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Post by papersilly on May 15, 2019 21:36:35 GMT
I will be the first to admit that my mother in law isn't my favorite person. And due to some things in the last couple months I am even less inclined to bend over backwards for her. So I know my judgement is clouded on this and I am wondering what the peas say. She is retiring after almost 40 years from working at a local university as an English as a second language teacher (mostly with foreign exchange students). My husband got an email inviting him to a retirement event for her: My husband will be out of town doing a triathlon. I will be at home with our 4 kids. We do not have a reliable babysitter. I don't have memories of her teaching to share. Other than my father-in-law it is likely that I won't know anyone else there.
I feel slightly guilty because her family sucks and they aren't planning anything else to celebrate her retirement. But again because of current family drama I am not going to step up to plan something else. And there is no way that either of her daughters are going to make the effort to come out here for it (if they were even invited). But I really don't want to go. If my dh was in town I would figure out the babysitter situation and go, but I just feel like this is not something I should have to do. Dh forwarded it to me with the note "This is when I'm in xxxxx unfortunately, but you may want to go so forwarding..." What say the peas? i think your answers are all right there in your post. in short, i wouldn't go for those reasons.
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Post by brina on May 15, 2019 21:40:32 GMT
His mother. Their are triathlons practically every weekend in season. Let him change his plans and go.
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Post by SockMonkey on May 15, 2019 21:44:47 GMT
No babysitter plus no husband present = you're off the hook.
Make plans to take her out for a nice dinner when you can all be there.
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Post by ihaveonly1l on May 15, 2019 21:49:00 GMT
I’d ask my husband if he wished I would attend. If he did, I’d try to get a babysitter. I would not take the children, but I may take one for the team if my husband was feeling guilty and couldn’t be there.
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Post by mustlovecats on May 15, 2019 21:58:52 GMT
Honestly... I am of two totally opposite minds on this.
My first thought was someone ought to represent the family
My second thought was if it’s not important enough for her son to go himself (prior plans or no) then it’s probavly not that important - and if it is that important he can straighten it out his own way
I think I would personally not go. I don’t think this is DIL duty.
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Post by ladytrisha on May 15, 2019 22:01:34 GMT
I think your hubby should RSVP that he's not able to go due to work. You weren't invited (seriously a +1 does not rank) and I'd let him handle taking her out to dinner when he returns from out of town.
I put up with stuff like that for over 40 years - it's okay to just say nope.
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Post by LisaDV on May 15, 2019 22:03:20 GMT
I'd say no. This sounds more like an event for coworkers/colleagues, not a friends and family event. I'd say no as well. Not only is for coworkers, your DH received an invitation with a +1, not you. But I'm jaded by MIL drama as well, so... My DH wouldn't even have forwarded the note to me.
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Post by beaglemom on May 15, 2019 23:13:00 GMT
His mother. Their are triathlons practically every weekend in season. Let him change his plans and go. He just got the invite today. This is a half IronMan that he signed up for 6 months ago that is out of state. That he has purchased a plane ticket for and paid for a hotel room and paid $300+ to sign up for. If it was a regular local Olympic distance race he would not do it in a heartbeat.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 1, 2024 4:34:34 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 15, 2019 23:32:26 GMT
I wouldn't go, but I would take your MIL and FIL out to dinner to celebrate once your DH returns from his trip.
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Post by freecharlie on May 16, 2019 0:59:10 GMT
Not without dh and not in your circumstances
I would have gone to my mils, but we get along well and my kids would have gone with me
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Post by canadianscrappergirl on May 16, 2019 5:11:34 GMT
Nope I'd feel no obligation to go. If anyone should be going it's her son.
Sounds like you'd know no one there other than your IL
It's taken me awhile but I no longer feel obligated to attend things I have no desire to attend and especially for people who treat me poorly!
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Post by crazy4scraps on May 16, 2019 5:32:58 GMT
That would be a big fat NOPE from me.
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lurkyloo
Full Member
Posts: 284
Dec 5, 2018 6:53:08 GMT
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Post by lurkyloo on May 16, 2019 6:04:59 GMT
First I was going to say that if your MIL knows your email address and you still didn’t get your own invite, she can fly a kite...but then if you had gotten the same email, it would have seemed like you could each bring a +1 of randos, so maybe that’s why. Ultimately, the question is: are you invested enough in the relationship to go to the trouble? It sounds like a no, which is totally valid. But because of the invitation ambiguity, I’d have your husband send his regrets that he’s out of town and the two of you will not be able to attend.
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peaname
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,389
Aug 16, 2014 23:15:53 GMT
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Post by peaname on May 16, 2019 10:12:01 GMT
If it was important to her son he’d change his plans or at the very least find a reliable sitter for the event and a few extra hours so you could have some time to yourself, like, on a massage table.
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Post by pattyraindrops on May 16, 2019 10:55:33 GMT
His mother. Their are triathlons practically every weekend in season. Let him change his plans and go. He just got the invite today. This is a half IronMan that he signed up for 6 months ago that is out of state. That he has purchased a plane ticket for and paid for a hotel room and paid $300+ to sign up for. If it was a regular local Olympic distance race he would not do it in a heartbeat. That right there would have me attending. The "+ 1' doesnt phase me. This is a quick email invitation sent out to mostly coworkers. The plus one makes total sense for the majority of people coming. Her son/family was important enough to invite with the coworkers. Who ever sent the invitation didn't stop to change that wording. It's very informal. So the key for me is "he would not do it (the race?) in a heartbeat" if it were local and he had not already spent and planned a lot because this party was that important to him, then I would go to the party to represent him. Now if you meant he would "not attend" (the party) if the race were local then I would skip the party, but from context it seems you mean the race.
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anniebygaslight
Drama Llama
I'd love a cup of tea. #1966
Posts: 7,394
Location: Third Rock from the sun.
Jun 28, 2014 14:08:19 GMT
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Post by anniebygaslight on May 16, 2019 12:31:25 GMT
Nope. You have children to wrangle, and, most importantly, she is not your favourite person.
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Post by Fidget on May 16, 2019 16:43:20 GMT
Personally, I would go.
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Jili
Pearl Clutcher
SLPea
Posts: 4,363
Jun 26, 2014 1:26:48 GMT
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Post by Jili on May 16, 2019 16:50:35 GMT
I wouldn't do it. We have similar retirement receptions where I work. Often, the retirees bring their spouses and/or children. I've attended a number of times and I always feel that it's awkward for the family members. They usually don't know anyone there, because it's really a work function. Ours is held off-site, but we pay our own way to go and no one else brings guests.
Given what you've described, I'm guessing family members are invited as a courtesy. Another way to look at is that your MIL may actually have a better time celebrating with your colleagues without you there more or less as a third wheel.
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Post by Prenticekid on May 16, 2019 16:55:44 GMT
I would still, even under the circumstances described, plan a get together for her, even if it is just your family taking her to dinner or having her over for dinner.
To me, its a big milestone, and family should acknowledge milestones. OP has had a couple of months of something making her not want to step up, but I've seen some high school graduates with years of bad attitude and poor conduct get some pretty nice graduation parties, kwim? I'm not saying she has to plan some big soiree, but she could remind her husband to make dinner reservations.
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Post by aleighl55 on May 16, 2019 17:24:25 GMT
I would go for a short amount of time and then excuse myself to get back home to the kids. I had a baby shower for a family I've known my entire life but I had only met their new daughter-in-law a few times and it was an hour drive with a 1 year old. I really considered staying home and bringing the gift the next time I was in town but sucked it up and went. A couple months later, the father was hit and killed on his way home from work. I have never been so thankful to have gotten my butt off the couch and captured pictures and videos that day. Now I show up more often than not even if I end up hiding in the kitchen with the 1 or 2 people I know.
My grandmother retired in a similar manner about 5 years ago and while it was mostly employees, our immediate family came, kids and all. I think that's how most retirements around here go.
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Post by crazy4scraps on May 16, 2019 17:56:36 GMT
DH and I didn’t go to his mom’s retirement party, and after seeing the photos from it after the fact it was fine that we didn’t. It was ALL co-workers and people we didn’t know at all and we would have been very uncomfortable. The only person we would have known at the party was his mom.
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gina
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,205
Jun 26, 2014 1:59:16 GMT
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Post by gina on May 16, 2019 18:00:07 GMT
I wouldn't go. Your husband isn't going to be home. If he was, then yes, I'd say you would be rude to not go. But he already has another commitment and you have 4 small kids and it's a Sunday afternoon smack in the middle of the day? Yeah no. I'm out.
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gina
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,205
Jun 26, 2014 1:59:16 GMT
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Post by gina on May 16, 2019 18:00:58 GMT
My second thought was if it’s not important enough for her son to go himself (prior plans or no) then it’s probavly not that important - and if it is that important he can straighten it out his own way
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 1, 2024 4:34:34 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 16, 2019 18:53:58 GMT
a solid nope from me.
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Post by katiekaty on May 16, 2019 23:51:53 GMT
His mother. Their are triathlons practically every weekend in season. Let him change his plans and go.
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