RedSquirrelUK
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,742 
Location: The UK's beautiful West Country
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Post by RedSquirrelUK on May 30, 2019 17:55:02 GMT
I can't share this on Facebook or to other friends yet because it hasn't been made public. My dear friend and fellow alto who I have sat next to in the church choir for 6 years and have known for 17 years has had vascular dementia for several years. She's only in her early 70s but lately she's been deteriorating. She lives alone and has been packing a suitcase and getting on the bus to the city bus station to go "home," but she doesn't know where "home" is. There is a small network of church people who have been been looking out for her, hugging her when she was bewildered, cheering her up when she's confused, joking and making her laugh, taking her home, picking her up, keeping her safe, liaising with her family and carer. I just texted her carer to remind her there is no choir practice tonight because the organist is on holiday (the last thing I spoke to her about last Sunday) and I've been told her son and daughter-in-law took her to a secure facility on Tuesday for an assessment and she has been kept in. They live 160 miles (3 hours) away. No goodbyes. I know it's for her safety. I knew it was coming. I'm still crying. I shall miss her horribly. Update June 4th
That was last Thursday. On Friday I had a text from her DIL saying Sunday would be her last day in church, she would have a few days home as normal and then would be taken to the care home next weekend. So Sunday was a normal service: no announcements, no goodbyes, no cards. We got a couple of photos in afterwards. We managed to tell all the choir, and many of the 40-ish congregation so that nobody said anything to distress her. The best bit was that as it was the last Sunday in Easter, when the clergy gave the final dismissal response "The Lord is risen" and we answered "He is risen indeed! Alleluia!", the organist plunged straight into Handel's Alleluia Chorus as we processed out. The congregation was treated to my dear friend dancing down the chancel and singing to the music. It was darling! What a lovely memory of her.  |
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Post by JoP on May 30, 2019 17:57:01 GMT
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Post by ladytrisha on May 30, 2019 18:00:16 GMT
I've been told her son and daughter-in-law took her to a secure facility on Tuesday for an assessment and she has been kept in. They live 160 miles (3 hours) away. I'm sorry you didn't get a goodbye, but depending on how agreeable she was, it is better this way for her and much less stressful. I'm envious that her son and DIL were able to get it done so easily - we spent over $70k in attorneys fees trying to get an order so we could put my MIL in a secure facility. It took a court order only after she was running in traffic, and playing with dead animals in her lap before the judge finally agreed - despite APS, a geriatric case manager and her family all saying she wasn't safe. We were 200 miles away so I can relate to her family and their worry to keep her safe. Horrible disease - no matter if it's dementia or Alzheimer's (my MIL has alzheimer's - her mother and 5 of 12 siblings had it) |
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Post by mom on May 30, 2019 18:05:02 GMT
I am really sorry. That must hurt so much. Can you get an address and perhaps mail her cards, letters, etc on a weekly basis? She most likely won't respond, but at least you could still tell her the 'going ons' of the church, etc.
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Post by liya on May 30, 2019 18:17:20 GMT
I'm sorry.
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Post by malibou on May 30, 2019 18:21:29 GMT
I'm so sorry about your friend. I like the idea of writing her letters about regular goings on.
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Post by newscrapper05 on May 30, 2019 18:35:03 GMT
I'm so sorry. My mom passed away January 1 - she had dementia but of course that's not her cause of death. The rotten disease didn't do that for her. I don't know what it is - Mom had lived in her apartment for 20 years before suddenly thinking it wasn't her home. Begged me to take her to her home. Heartbreaking.
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Post by mikklynn on May 30, 2019 18:52:25 GMT
RedSquirrelUK I am so sorry for you and for your friend. It would have been nice to be able to say goodbye. newscrapper05 Heartbreaking is the word for it. My fun loving, vivacious cousin died from early onset dementia last year, just before her 60th birthday. My own mother has short term memory issues that I pray don't progress to full blown dementia. Last week I called her and she thought she called me. It cracked my heart a little.
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Post by newfcathy on May 30, 2019 19:18:02 GMT
My mom suffered from Alzheimer’s for the last 11 or 12 years of her life.
It was so hard watching the deterioration over the years it was like visiting a dear stranger st the end. At times I couldn’t even discuss my family as she would get frustrated trying to remember. Later on, I could then carry on a monologue.
At the end, it was a blessing, she was 95, and went down hill rapidly over a 3 day span.
Luckily, at my prior visit 3 weeks earlier she had a rare lucid moment & told me that she loved me.
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Post by teri on May 30, 2019 19:20:57 GMT
so sorry... Vascular dementia is terrible.
Just lost my Mom in November at age 69. She was in a nursing home almost 2 years. Her health declined sooooo fast.
When we first placed her in a home they were worried she would just walk out because she looked young and you couldn't tell anything was wrong with her (unless she spoke to you)
within the year she was in a wheelchair because she kept falling, no verbal and didn't know me at all.
Its heartbreaking
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Post by Peace Sign on May 30, 2019 19:21:51 GMT
i'm sorry. when things like this happen, often friends get left out of the loop.
i lost a great aunt on my dad's side and my uncle on my mom's side within ten days of each other a month ago - both had dementia. it's a terrible, terrible disease.
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Post by krcrafts on May 30, 2019 19:24:34 GMT
I'm so sorry. My mom passed away January 1 - she had dementia but of course that's not her cause of death. The rotten disease didn't do that for her. I don't know what it is - Mom had lived in her apartment for 20 years before suddenly thinking it wasn't her home. Begged me to take her to her home. Heartbreaking. My mom died the same day and had vascular dementia, but died of a stroke. I miss her every single day. I’m sorry for your loss. RedSquirrelUK, I hate dementia, too. I’m so sorry you didn’t get to say goodbye. Hugs to you |
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PLurker
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,744
Location: Behind the Cheddar Curtain
Jun 28, 2014 3:48:49 GMT
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Post by PLurker on May 30, 2019 19:30:59 GMT
I'm so sorry. It does suck. {{hugs}}
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Post by roberta on May 30, 2019 19:31:55 GMT
So sorry for your friend and for not being able to say goodbye.
Dementia is horrible. My uncle had it and now my cousin.
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Post by phoenixcov on May 30, 2019 19:44:49 GMT
So sorry that you didn`t get to say goodbye. I know only too well how much that hurts.
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Post by flanz on May 30, 2019 20:31:28 GMT
I'm sorry you didn't get a chance to say goodbye to your friend. I wonder if a group of you might travel to visit her at least once, to have that closure... Thanks for being an awesome and caring friend to her as she declined. (((HUGS)))
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valincal
Drama Llama
Southern Alberta
Posts: 5,635
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Post by valincal on May 30, 2019 20:38:23 GMT
I’m so sorry. I don’t think there’s one of us who hasn’t been affected in some way by this awful disease. 😢
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Post by crazy4scraps on May 30, 2019 20:43:36 GMT
Oh, I’m so sorry! That’s really sad that she’s so far away that it would prevent frequent visits. I hope her family is able to visit her often since her church friends won’t be able to. Hugs to you, that’s rough.  Even if you can’t visit in person, you could always send her little cards or other similar things that might make her smile. My mom loved stuff like that to put on her door even if she couldn’t always remember who gave them to her. |
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Post by librarylady on May 30, 2019 21:01:45 GMT
I am sad for both of you that you didn't get to say good-bye. Perhaps several of you could make a one time trip to see her.
I would send her cards or letters from time to time as the card may arrive on a day when her mind is working.
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Peal
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,524
Jun 25, 2014 22:45:40 GMT
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Post by Peal on May 30, 2019 23:34:46 GMT
I'm sorry. My mom has Vascular Dementia. She's 73. My dad died 3 months ago and watching her deal with her grief between the confusion is heartbreaking. That you guys watched out for her so much is so sweet.
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scrappinwithoutpeas
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,914
Location: Northern Virginia
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Post by scrappinwithoutpeas on May 31, 2019 1:47:18 GMT
I'm sorry you didn't get to say goodbye to your friend. I know you'll miss her. I like the idea of sending her cards & letters, and I would encourage those that do to try and send a picture along with the card/letter. Maybe a group photo of all her choir friends, with a cheat-sheet of everyone's names that she can keep nearby. Maybe some other photos of her old surroundings that were somewhat familiar to her before she left (as familiar as they can be to someone with dementia). In lucid moments, photos may spark a memory.
Hugs from a fellow alto! ((()))
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Post by jemali on May 31, 2019 2:46:03 GMT
Yes dementia is awful. We just moved my MIL to memory care last month. It is so sad seeing her this way.
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RedSquirrelUK
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,742
Location: The UK's beautiful West Country
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Post by RedSquirrelUK on May 31, 2019 5:36:49 GMT
Thank you everyone.
She has a bossy elder sister called Grace, and whenever we sang the word in a hymn, she would sing it with extra emphasis and look at me and roll her eyes. It was our own special joke, and one that she rarely forgot. We always giggled through Amazing Grace, like a pair of children. I'm not sure I'm going to be able to sing that one for a while.
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Post by gar on May 31, 2019 7:04:41 GMT
Aww, I'm so sorry about your friend. There's no mercy with this disease is there...my Mum has Alzheimer's and we lost DH's father to it too.
You were. good friends and I'm sure she treasured you as much as you do her.
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joelise
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,649
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Post by joelise on May 31, 2019 7:42:03 GMT
I’m so sorry. How sad for you and her family.
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theshyone
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,411
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Post by theshyone on May 31, 2019 12:12:59 GMT
So sorry you never got to say goodbye. It is terrible.
My Mom would wander, and be lost, and I wouldn’t know where she was. I’d get calls from rcmp or the transit authorities to go pick her up. I was terrified she would wander in our winter weather and freeze. In the end it was wandering in summer in extreme heat getting dehydrated that finally enabled me to get her into a secure living arrangement where although it’s not her “home” she is safe. It breaks my heart when she doesn’t know who I am, or who the kids are. Her being safe took precedence over everything, we couldn’t even get her placed in our city.
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anniebygaslight
Drama Llama
I'd love a cup of tea. #1966
Posts: 7,394
Location: Third Rock from the sun.
Jun 28, 2014 14:08:19 GMT
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Post by anniebygaslight on May 31, 2019 15:19:01 GMT
We have just learned that a neighbour has got dementia. We had guessed that things were not quite right, but don't know them well enough to barge in. She is 54 and has deteriorated massively in the last few months. Very sad to see.
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Post by bc2ca on May 31, 2019 15:47:42 GMT
My mom is another who was going "home" for many years before she went into full time care.  Do you have contact information for the son & DIL? I would send them a note, expressing your sadness at this transition and how his mom was a loved and active member of the community. Just from our personal experience, mom was well past the ability to read when she went into care. We've always surrounded her with family photos and photos of her favorite flowers. Sending a photo of the choir sounds like a wonderful idea. |
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 17, 2024 10:44:15 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 31, 2019 16:06:13 GMT
I'm so sorry, it really is a horrible condition |
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Post by LisaDV on May 31, 2019 17:32:49 GMT
🤗 big hugs. It sucks. It sucks to have dementia, it sucks she had to go without a goodbye. Could you visit? Send cards?
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Even if you can’t visit in person, you could always send her little cards or other similar things that might make her smile. My mom loved stuff like that to put on her door even if she couldn’t always remember who gave them to her.
