johnnysmom
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,682
Jun 25, 2014 21:16:33 GMT
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Post by johnnysmom on Jul 13, 2019 14:44:08 GMT
What kind of rules do you have for your adult child? We're struggling here. Dh and I moved out (and in together) at 18, in part because of my parents over the top monitoring, so we have no first hand experience here. We try to be pretty easy going with ds (who just turned 18 2 weeks ago, he'll be a hs senior this fall), he's a pretty good kid so I think he gets away with a lot; he seems to think he needs more freedom  The most recent example: he and his girlfriend went to a town fair (about 30min away via country roads....we live in the country everything is 20-30min away via country roads). When he left around 5 he said they were going to the fair, watching a friend play in a softball game, watching the fireworks and that he'd be home around 11 or 12. I said fine, keep me posted and be safe. He calls at 11 and says the softball game was just starting (weird, but whatever), it'll be late, it's foggy (doubtful) and is it ok if he just stays at his GF's instead of coming home (10min away). She's 17.5 so I texted her mom to make sure it was ok with her, she said it was ok if he slept on the couch. I texted him a few minutes ago to see when he was going to be home today. He called me back and I said I was asking for a plan. He got all pissy saying he doesn't know why he needs to have a plan, why he can't just go off and do whatever <sigh>. We're about ready to say, fine you don't have to tell us what you're doing but you have to tell us where our car (that we paid for, is in my name, and we pay most of the insurance on) is going to be. But I don't think taking a hard line like that is the way to go. All we're asking for is a general plan, that it be semi stuck to and he's home around midnight (with some exceptions but after he rolled in after 2am one day we set a flexible curfew). Does that seem like too much to ask? |
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trollie
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by trollie on Jul 13, 2019 14:47:31 GMT
Since he lives at home, it's not unreasonable to know where he is and what time he'll be back. That's common courtesy. The attitude is typical of his age.
eta- FWIW I think you are being pretty lax. I am also like that with my older teens. Being super strict at that age doesn't help anything.
eta - I will revoke the car privilege if I don't feel like adequate appreciation for it's use is on display. Driving MY car is not a right.
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rickmer
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by rickmer on Jul 13, 2019 15:01:18 GMT
if he was an adult, he would actually understand why his loving parents kinda want an idea of where he is/what he is doing. every time i leave my mom's house (about a 40 min drive from my home), she asks me to call when i get home. i know she worries about me driving on the highway, especially at night. i am 48 years old and could tell my mom to go blow.... but as an ADULT i understand her worry. as an adult i don't want to worry her. DD is 18, almost 19 and will start her 2nd year of university this fall. she is good about checking in... i tease her i have to know where to start looking for her body if she goes missing. |
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Deleted
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May 18, 2024 21:05:14 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 13, 2019 15:03:05 GMT
I expected a general idea as to what they are doing, but didn’t question too much. However, at that age, my kids didn’t stay overnight at their GF/BFs house. It would be one thing if it was a special trip, but simply because they got home late? Nope and if I suspected any lying, then use of the car would be limited.
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Deleted
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May 18, 2024 21:05:14 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 13, 2019 15:03:11 GMT
I think it is very reasonable to expect him to tell you where he is/plans to be and what time he expects to be home. That isn't control, it is courtesy to the other residents in the home. I wanted to know when I heard a door open at 3 am if it was a family member coming in or a burglar.
If you own his car, pay his insurance, pay his phone etc, you can remind him that those items are for his USE, they are not his. YOu can require the car and phone be home by 4:30 every day. If he wants to live with no accountabity it is time to find and pay for his own life (apartment, vehicle, meals) Until then he has to be respectful of you and provide what you want from him (to know where he is and what he is doing)
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ddly
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,947
Jul 10, 2014 19:36:28 GMT
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Post by ddly on Jul 13, 2019 15:03:13 GMT
I think you're being very reasonable. My DD was a pia and in trouble a lot but we always knew where she was. We told her we'd track her phone if we needed to but she was always good about letting us know where she was or if her plans changed. We were also very clear about picking her up anywhere any time she needed no questions asked (until after pickup). I went out several times in the middle of the night to pick her up in places I didn't know existed because she asked. DS was an angel compared to her. We never worried about him and he sticks with the same group of people so if they were not here, we knew where they were.
They are 23 and 21 now but I still have a pretty good idea where they most times. DD likes us to know where she is, just in case. She still knows that regardless to where she is and what time it is, I'll pick her up. It was very important to establish that with her and it has paid off.
Pick a time when DS is home alone and you can have a conversation. I think it's important to let him know that it's an issue of safety (or whatever) so he doesn't think you are trying to be controlling. I don't think you're trying to control him. I think being honest and up front will work when he's in a space to hear and comprehend that. It'll be easier at home when he's not in the middle of hanging with friends or with friends.
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LeaP
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Location: Los Angeles, CA where 405 meets 101
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Post by LeaP on Jul 13, 2019 15:03:15 GMT
I have an 18 year old girl living at home so I am in your same boat and will be paying attention to what others post. Mine has no curfew and is rarely out very late. Our issue is that when she is home she leaves a path of destruction in her wake. Insofar as safety I usually have a general idea of where she is and we share our locations on our phones. I like to know if she is going to be out all night so I can go to sleep and not wonder if she is stranded somewhere. In your case, I think trollie is right that is a matter of common courtesy. If he balked, I would tell him that if he is 100% independent he can buy and pay expenses for his own car, food and rent and I wouldn't need to wonder where he was at any time because he would be working 3 minimum wage jobs to pay for his independence. <- I'm mean that way. |
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Post by littlemama on Jul 13, 2019 15:18:59 GMT
Common courtesy dictates that you let the people you live with know when you are coming and going. We always asked ds to let us know when he was changing locations when he was in hs, so we had an idea of where to find him. We also wanted to know if he would be home for dinner.
Being in school was a curfew in itself- he had to get up at 530, so he was hone and in bed by 930 or 10
Ds is now 21 and he still follows these basic rules of courtesy.
We arent telling where to go or who to hang out with, just that we know approximayely where he is and when he will be home.
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Post by annie on Jul 13, 2019 15:20:51 GMT
I have a very social 18 year old and I cut her a lot of slack. She's leaving for college shortly when I won't be there to see a thing lol. I have hopefully taught her to make smart choices, and yeah, I know she's fucked up occasionally. But ultimately it is her life. I don't want her to hate us because we held the reigns too tight.
I only ask that she communicate to me what her plans are for the evening, as in - are you coming home? Are you sleeping over somewhere? I totally agree with your "give me the general plan" idea. That's what we do and it's working out pretty well, with a few bumps in the road.
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Post by Merge on Jul 13, 2019 15:24:33 GMT
I’m in the camp that as long as I know roughly where she’s going and when she’ll be back, that’s fine. I ask for a text if plans change so I don’t worry. We don’t put restrictions on where she spends the night as I’d far rather have her sleeping over (even at boyfriend’s house) than on the roads late at night.
But my 18 year old is a graduated senior, not a rising one. Last summer we kept a little tighter tabs on her.
Bit I’m with Trollie also - the car I pay for is a privilege. It’s the first thing to go if I feel like she’s abusing our trust. Her independence is very important to her, so I’ve had to take the car away only once. She won’t risk losing it again.
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Post by candleangie on Jul 13, 2019 15:45:40 GMT
Our policy is “roommate courtesy.” That means:
-Give me an idea of when you think you’ll be back, so I know when to start worrying.
-If you’re not here when I cook and you don’t tell me you will be home for dinner, too bad....I’m not fixing you food.
-Pick up your shit and clean up your messes,
-Contribute 100 a month to utilities (rent comes later, when they aren’t in college full time)
But this came AFTER graduation.
Also, an 18 year old is not legally emancipated from their parents until they move out. At 19 they’re an adult regardless of their living situation
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Post by scrapmaven on Jul 13, 2019 15:54:54 GMT
One son never went anywhere at night unless he was working. He's still like that. My other son did go out and we didn't put limitations or a curfew on him, but we did make him text his whereabouts every now and then. Granted, we knew his friends well and knew their usual haunts. At 11pm they'd often go out for a burger or other food. As long as we knew where he was and that he was safe we were good w/it. As a result, he was very honest w/us and never gave us reason to pause. Now that they're both in college, when they're home they have to extend the same courtesies, but we also recognize that we have no control over what they're doing at night when they're away at school.
Also we installed dashcam in the car, in case of an accident. So, yds knew it was pointless to lie, because if we had ever checked we'd know where the car was and what time it was there.
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jacquesym
Shy Member
Posts: 24
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Post by jacquesym on Jul 13, 2019 16:04:29 GMT
I watched a friend deal with "I'm 18 and an adult so don't give me any rules." while still in HS.My DS turned 18 in November of his Senior Year of HS. He knew from about the age of 16 that as long as he was still in school and I was paying all the bills, the rules did not change at 18.
Maybe I was lucky, but he was a good kid and didn't push too hard. I did relax on the curfew on weekends towards the end of the school year, but he knew staying out all night or having his gf stay all night was not going to happen.
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Post by hockeymom4 on Jul 13, 2019 17:32:31 GMT
DD just got her license so is anxious to be out and about. She is 17 and will be in grade 12 in September
We are pretty flexible, car has to come home at night (I will take her back out if she is staying over) this May change once she has more experience.
Curfew is dependent on the situation, I do need to know where she is, and an idea of who she is with (I generally require the number of at least one of the people she is with.... but it is usually the same gang so I have the info)
In a bit of a dilemma tonight.... they are going to Snoopdog at Bluesfest and want to bus and then hang out for a bit after....
I have been driving and picking up for all the other nights....
Am I just being biased because of the act!!! I know whatever happens at tonight’s show is happening every other night....
(I am also thinking of just what I would have been doing at her age!!!)
Why can’t they stay little, and why couldn’t she be a goddy goody like her father!!!!!!
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Post by Basket1lady on Jul 13, 2019 18:26:19 GMT
I think it is very reasonable to expect him to tell you where he is/plans to be and what time he expects to be home. That isn't control, it is courtesy to the other residents in the home. I wanted to know when I heard a door open at 3 am if it was a family member coming in or a burglar. If you own his car, pay his insurance, pay his phone etc, you can remind him that those items are for his USE, they are not his. YOu can require the car and phone be home by 4:30 every day. If he wants to live with no accountabity it is time to find and pay for his own life (apartment, vehicle, meals) Until then he has to be respectful of you and provide what you want from him (to know where he is and what he is doing) My kids didn’t turn 18 until February and April of their senior years, so I can’t advise on that. But we still pay their way while they are in college. They still get an allowance and we pay for their cells, cars insurance, and health insurance. This is what we told our kids. As long as we pay your cell bill, I expect a return text and one voice phone call a week (when they are at college—we usually FaceTime). We call that proof of life. As long as we pay the car insurance (on OUR car), you follow the laws. As long as you live in our house, you will let us know where you are, when you will be home, and if you will be home for dinner. I tell the kids that I need to know where to start looking for the bodies. I do point our that DH and I also do this. It’s common courtesy to those you live with. I would suggest a family meeting. Sit down, explain your rules, and ask your DS what he sees as his role in the family. |
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Post by busy on Jul 13, 2019 18:29:00 GMT
An 18 year old high schooler living at home is not an "adult," except by some legal definitions.
Our family rules would not change simply because a child turned 18. Would they have a later curfew because they were a senior in high school? Yes. But otherwise, the rules we'd had before would remain in place (of course, there is a natural loosening of rules as kids age, especially after they are able to drive, to prepare them for greater independence in college or whatever they do after high school). A birthday isn't a magic wand.
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Post by bc2ca on Jul 13, 2019 18:30:57 GMT
We drilled in the common courtesy rule. You don't need our permission to do what you want, change plans or stay out late, but when we live in a shared household, your coming and going affects others. For us, it isn't just who will be home for dinner. We can't all be out of the house between 6 & 8 without figuring out who is walking the dog and when. It has worked pretty well for us.
DD texts throughout the day, updating me continuously on where she is. DS doesn't give many details but will usually let me know by 4 if he isn't going to be home for dinner.
When DS first resisted letting us know his plans, I used to say it was just so I could tell the police where to start looking for his body.
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johnnysmom
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,682
Jun 25, 2014 21:16:33 GMT
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Post by johnnysmom on Jul 13, 2019 18:36:38 GMT
Thanks girls for confirming that I'm not the only mom who makes their kid have a plan! I didn't think our expectations were unreasonable but you know the way kids talk......none of their friends ever have to check in with their parents  We did have a discussion with ds when he got home today. Trying to impress upon him that when the phone rings at 11pm our first thought isn't an eyeroll of 'what does he want now'; it's of panic thinking something is wrong and he's in the hospital or worse! I'm not foolish enough to think that everything will change with one discussion (especially since this isn't the first time he's pushed his luck) but we'll survive it. Parenting teens isn't for the weak, that's for sure! |
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amom23
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,333
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Post by amom23 on Jul 13, 2019 18:40:43 GMT
Ours rules never changed just because the kids turned 18 and were Seniors in HS. That being said our rules were never over the top to begin with. Basic common curtesy stuff like helping out at home, letting us know where you are going and with whom, being home at a reasonable agreed upon time, etc. None of my kids had serious girlfriends in HS so never dealt with that aspect.
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Post by craftedbys on Jul 13, 2019 19:14:29 GMT
Our situation was a bit different in that both DD and DS went to boarding school for their junior and senior years of high school. They had to follow the school rules about curfew and where they were allowed to go off campus, although if necessary, I could have imposed stricter rules and the school would have backed me up.
Thankfully, I have a science and an art nerd, neither of whom had a huge social circle and drinking and running around or cruising weren't part of the activities they took part in, mostly game nights (including D&D) and movie nights.
They are now 21 and almost 19 and the youngest starts college away from home in a month. While they are home we expect them to let us know if they are going out, a general idea of where, and a ballpark time they are getting home. Neither has their license so that is one less worry.
I will say, though, that the common courtesy is a two way street and DH and I do let the kids know the same information, where we are going and about when we will be home.
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Post by underwatermama on Jul 13, 2019 19:18:50 GMT
I have an 18 & 20 yo boys. I don't think it's unreasonable to know where they are, especially at night and when they have my car. I also request "proof of life", meaning answer my texts in a timely fashion, if they are out gallivanting all day or in an unknown situation. I can also track via find my phone if needed.
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Post by belgravia on Jul 13, 2019 20:22:12 GMT
Our daughter is 16, a new driver (since February) and we just got her a car, which we paid for. We also pay for insurance, gas, phone etc. Well, ok, we pay for everything  We are fortunate in that in our province we have graduated licensing, and as a new driver she is not permitted to drive between midnight and 5 am, so she has a built in curfew. Also, there is zero tolerance of alcohol consumption, she would lose her license if she was stopped and had a blood alcohol level above zero. We are pretty relaxed in terms of what she’s permitted to do, but she knows that as a new driver she has to text us when she gets where she’s going, and text when she’s leaving to come home. Also, she texts if plans change. She needs to keep us in the loop. So far, she’s been really good about observing the rules. If things start to go sideways, she knows her new car will be parked. We are lucky, she has always been a good kid and has attended a small private school since kindergarten so we have known all her friends for ages. |
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Post by freecharlie on Jul 13, 2019 21:27:29 GMT
My 18 year old graduated in May.
It depends on the day and what he is doing what time he has to be home and if it is somewhere out of the ordinary, I ask that he pop in and gently wake me when he gets home.
He leaves for college Aug 30. So I know he will do what he wants then.
I just like to know he is safe
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Post by AussieMeg on Jul 13, 2019 22:28:28 GMT
I didn't have any rules as such for my DD when she was 18 (she's now 21). The only expectation is that she lets me know if she is not going to be home, either for dinner or for the night. Mind you, there have been plenty of times that I have had to message her and ask whether she was coming home, because she's forgotten to tell me. That doesn't happen as much now that she no longer has a boyfriend.
She paid for her own car (her dad paid half), and she pays her own registration and insurance, so I cannot enforce any rules about that.
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Post by tentoes on Jul 13, 2019 22:44:56 GMT
When my kids were living in my house, it was with MY rules. They had a curfew just to be respectful to the other people living in a small home. If they knew they weren't going to be home for a meal, they were to call before prep time so I didn't end up with a bunch of leftovers. My son did stay at his girlfriends home because they lived about 90 miles away, so he'd usually go there for a weekend, or she'd come here. The girlfriend slept with my girls, he slept in her brother's room I'm told. (He was in college by that time.) I don't think he had a girlfriend in high school. My daughters didn't stay with their boyfriends that I can remember. They got a car when they paid for it themselves with money from their jobs. Before they bought their cars, they paid the difference in the insurance that let a "teen" drive. We did that to instill responsibility. It worked. They all turned out pretty darn good--even if I do say so myself.
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Deleted
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May 18, 2024 21:05:14 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 13, 2019 23:06:45 GMT
IMO, there's a difference between an 18yo after graduation or in college vs. 18yo high school student.
My rules and expectations didn't change much just because the calendar says they were 18. I treated them and had the same expectations of them as I did when they were say...16.
For me, a high school student is still a student. Even if they are 18.
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Post by Zee on Jul 13, 2019 23:19:40 GMT
When my kids were 18 they were expected to let me know their plans but as long as everything was reasonable there were no real rules. DD had her own car but DS had to use mine for a bit so we need to coordinate schedules.
I think it's just respectful to let other members of a household know generally when to expect you home and where you're going (again, in general).
Both my kids are moved out now so it's no longer an issue but our system worked pretty well. Like you, I moved out at 18, but my mother and I had a system just like what I did with my kids and it worked for us. No real rules, just an expectation that I'd tell her where I was going or call if I was not going to be home.
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We are fortunate in that in our province we have graduated licensing, and as a new driver she is not permitted to drive between midnight and 5 am, so she has a built in curfew. Also, there is zero tolerance of alcohol consumption, she would lose her license if she was stopped and had a blood alcohol level above zero. 
