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Apr 26, 2024 2:48:55 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 10, 2014 14:51:33 GMT
She ran her last cross country race yesterday. She's done well for her first season - who knew she was a runner. Yesterday, in order to medal, she had to pass her teammate and friend. As she was passing her, the friend said, "No, please don't", but my daughter passed her, and received a medal. The friend didn't receive a medal, didn't talk to dd after the race, and appeared quite sad. My daughter (11) feels terrible. This is her first time (and mine!) dealing with an issue regarding competitive sports.
What would you say to dd?
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Post by ktdoesntscrap on Oct 10, 2014 14:57:51 GMT
What would have happened if they had ran together? I have been so impresseed by the team spirit on our schools cross country team. If they both could medal I think they would run in together. I don't think your daughter did anything wrong. It is a competitive sport. I would talk to her about competition and that in this instance her job is to do her very best. Even if that means beating a friend. I would also talk to her about working with team mates and helping each other be better. Its not the same but my daughter is in musical theatre and she doesn't always get the role she wants and she has to support those who get the leads and be humble when she does. She often gets one of the main leads and her best friend in the company who has been there the longest has never had a lead. So we route for her friend no matter what part she gets but we also celebrate DD's accomplishments. |
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georgiapea
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Post by georgiapea on Oct 10, 2014 14:59:37 GMT
Friend was asking your DD to "Throw the race"? That's so wrong. I hope her parents explained how life works to that girl.
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luvnlifelady
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Post by luvnlifelady on Oct 10, 2014 15:00:25 GMT
That is a tough lesson to learn. I would just tell her that they both ran their best race and she won. Hopefully the friend will come around. Just give her some time and space. If she doesn't, then there's nothing your DD can do about it and it's on the other girl to be a good sport.
My DD is in band and in winter auditions, it does put friends against friends obviously. Kids just have to learn to take their hits even if it's from a friend. Winning out is fair and maybe your DD"s friend will train more or something to beat your DD in another race. Congrats to your DD for winning.
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Post by pretzels on Oct 10, 2014 15:01:24 GMT
My kid is on cross country, too. He has been frustrated all year by his inability to medal, even when he has run sub-7-minute miles. He would have passed a teammate in a second in order to medal. I'd tell her this is part of it, and her friend is being selfish.
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Post by gar on Oct 10, 2014 15:06:35 GMT
First of all - good for her for going ahead and winning the race. Unless there is a real reason that her friend was desperate to win (parental pressure for example) then it really is her friend's problem. I would suggest she gently ask her why she so badly wanted to win and go from there. I'm sure thr girl will get over it soon enough.
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Post by littlemama on Oct 10, 2014 15:09:25 GMT
Her friend is being immature and selfish, and clearly does not understand the concept of COMPETITIVE. Had your daughter not passed her teammate, that would have been cheating. Her friend will get over it, and if not, she wasn't much of a friend to start with. For heaven's sake, it's 6th grade cross country, not the Olympics.
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Post by 5peanutsnana on Oct 10, 2014 15:23:48 GMT
As a former Xcountry mom, I would say your DD did the right thing. Every race they are striving for a PR and to help the team. She should not feel a bit bad. That said...it's great to have a friend who pushes you and vice versa. It only makes them better.
As far as calling her friend immature and selfish...they are 11. Maturity and selfishness shouldn't be expected of them. They are kids. I have an 11 year old DGD who runs Xcountry.
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Post by Flowergirl on Oct 10, 2014 15:25:09 GMT
DS ran XC/T&F throughout middle school, high school and now in college. He and a friend were the top two varsity runners on our team for several years. They were very similar ability-wise. Sometimes DS would finish ahead of his teammate and vice versa. Although it's an individual sport, XC is also very much a team sport and in order for a team win, each person on the team needs to do their best to hit whatever goal the coach has for them. But at the modified level that your DD is at, they don't really understand that. They understand what place they finished and whether there's a medal/ribbon etc awarded.
Assure her she did nothing wrong by not slowing down. Some days she may finish ahead of friend, some days she may not. She may be naturally faster and better built for running than her friend and may always finish ahead of her. Or her friend may blossom and be the one finishing ahead of your DD. That's the sport. I've seen some kids work SO HARD and never finish in the top 7 for team scoring, and though they may feel down about it, the coaches always stressed achieving a personal best. If you are doing better than you did the last time, you are getting better.
DD's friend probably needs this lesson more than your DD, but at 11, she still has plenty of time to learn it.
I'll also say, that of all the sports my kids played over the years, the runner kids & parents are good bunch of people. DS made really good friends with some of his competitors from other schools.
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anniebygaslight
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Jun 28, 2014 14:08:19 GMT
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Post by anniebygaslight on Oct 10, 2014 19:25:50 GMT
I'd say that her friend is unsportsmanlike in asking your daughter to throw the race in order that she could win. I'd be looking for another friend if I were her.
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Post by cmpeter on Oct 10, 2014 19:53:04 GMT
I would 1) tell my dd I was sorry that her friend put her in that spot and that it was very unfair and unsportsmanlike of her to do that. 2) I would explain why it's important to the team for everyone to do their best. 3) I would talk to her about why the friend asked her to not pass. Is she just a bad loser or are there other things going on with her. None of which would be excuses, but might help explain why.
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freebird
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Post by freebird on Oct 10, 2014 20:26:27 GMT
I'd suggest your daughter talk to the coach about it and then the coach could confirm with the WHOLE team that how it works.
They're just little girls, it takes a lot of maturity to handle things like that. xcountry at 11 seems young!
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mallie
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Post by mallie on Oct 10, 2014 21:35:00 GMT
I'd probably tell my daughter that she did the right thing and that her friend has the choice to get over it or die mad.
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Deleted
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Apr 26, 2024 2:48:55 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 10, 2014 21:38:01 GMT
Thank you so much, everyone. I passed along much of your input and it seemed to really make sense to her. Especially the part about promising her coach to do her best and fulfilling that promise, and sportsmanlike behavior. I appreciate your help!
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luvnlifelady
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Post by luvnlifelady on Oct 10, 2014 21:41:51 GMT
On a side note, my niece moved from CA to Wisconsin summer of freshman year (IIRC). She was nervous about it but joined XC and quickly met a great group of friends. One of them also went to the same college as her (Unversity of Wisconsin-Eau Claire). It's nice because she has a built-in friend and someone to hang out with that can also help her meet others.
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Post by emelle64 on Oct 10, 2014 22:39:22 GMT
OP I read your post with interest as we had a similar situation at our house a few weeks ago except that our DD is 19 and away at university. She trained her first year with the cross country team but didn't make the varsity team (varsity is only the top 12 runners) but she still got to go to a few university races last year. She worked her butt off over the summer and really wanted to make the varsity team this fall. She had some iron issues at the beginning of the season but by the time of her first race she was in great form and really raced well. Well, for the second race her coach sent an email naming the girls that would be on the varsity team and our DD was one of them. She was thrilled until she went to the next practice and two girls who didn't make it were less than gracious about it. She phoned us crying and said she was going to tell the coach to take her off the team. We talked her through it and said that part of competitive athletics is that sometimes other people do better than you and sometimes you're the one who is doing better. We said that eventually the other girls would come around and they have. One of the great thing about running is that you are really running against your own best time and trying to improve. It sounds like your DD absolutely did what she should've done. Good luck to her in her next race!
Emelle
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bandjmom
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Jun 25, 2014 23:28:19 GMT
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Post by bandjmom on Oct 11, 2014 1:56:30 GMT
At oldest ds' first cross country meet in middle school he was side-by-side and running stride-for-stride with a runner from the other team. As they approached the shoot, DS glanced at the other runner, pulled back and let him go first.
Honestly, with all his first meet nerves I think it was just instinctive.
His coach saw it. He didn't say anything with everyone around, but the next day at school he told ds that sportsmanship is a great virtue, but he had earned his place in the race, he needed to compete to the finish and he never wanted to see him do that again.
I'm sorry your dd's friend is giving her grief, but it's the friend's problem. My other ds is a competitive swimmer. There are times competing against friends is tough, but they learn to leave it at the pool.
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