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Post by Dixie Lou on Aug 11, 2019 23:29:25 GMT
I am getting more seriously wishing to die. It's been a really hard summer. I've been moments away from tears for months now. Nothing is going to make it better. I'm at a place in my life where all of my friends (most are younger teachers) have families and my brother has family. My dad lives here with me but he's no company. It just makes me feel more isolated than if I lived alone because I am stuck in my bedroom. My dogs are my lifeline but even so now I am thinking that the rescue I volunteer for would take them in and find them homes. I didn't want this divorce. I miss the old Matt, not the one he turned into. I am too depressed to be in a relationship and even so that would be the very last thing on my list I want to do. I am a teacher and school is about to start. The distraction is good for me but going back to work also brings many more stresses and problems. My teacher friends have lives outside of school and I don't want to appear to be the needy one. My best friend at school is getting her doctorate and has four kids plus her full time job! I am here to support her and she most certainly doesn't have time for me. If only it was about teaching the kids! We will have two planning times per week this school year so that means on Tuesdays and Thursdays the only "break" we'll get will be a 20 minute lunch. Those meetings are so stressful and actually take time away from preparing to teach my class. Our administration has no idea how elementary teachers need to plan. They both taught middle/high school. Apparently we should WAIT to plan until those planning times but in reality we have to be prepared going in there. So we are constantly planning and getting ready for the "show" we have to put on. We hardly have time to pee during that 20 minutes, if we want to eat lunch. My house payment increased $300 because of taxes and my electricity bill was $440. My water bill was $284. I'm not making it through the month. I need to get a second job but I'm already so anxious and depressed I'm not sure how I will manage with that. I'm scared to go out and look for one too. I've been at my current job for 18 years. It's been a while since I've had to hunt for a job. I clean my house and spend time in my backyard but besides that all I do is sleep. It's all I can do not to scream and scream until someone calls the police and take me to a hospital. I'm afraid I am going to snap. I will never hurt anyone but I will hurt myself. I don't want to call attention to myself. Being alone with all the stress and with no money to get out and DO SOMETHING makes it worse. I didn't even get to plant flowers in my yard this year because of no money. I will say I am sorry for the negativity but it helps to get it written down. I wish there was a sure way of killing myself with what I have here at home. Unfortunately no mixture of my medications will cause death. i've done the research. Nothing I say truly describes how sad I am.
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scrappinwithoutpeas
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,894
Location: Northern Virginia
Aug 7, 2014 22:09:44 GMT
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Post by scrappinwithoutpeas on Aug 11, 2019 23:37:20 GMT
Please take care of yourself and consider calling the hotline to talk to someone. 1-800-273-8255. We peas care!
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RosieKat
Drama Llama
PeaJect #12
Posts: 5,374
Jun 25, 2014 19:28:04 GMT
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Post by RosieKat on Aug 11, 2019 23:37:24 GMT
Dixie Lou, that is a lot to handle even when you are feeling 100%. But please, please call a suicide hotline or 911 or something. I'm worried about you.
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Post by KelleeM on Aug 11, 2019 23:37:56 GMT
I’m so sorry. Please call for help. 1-800-273-8255. Please.
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Post by annie on Aug 11, 2019 23:39:36 GMT
Dixie, my heart breaks reading your post. It is all overwhelming, and as a teacher I truly relate to what you are saying about the pressures at school. You are so right. Couple that with taking care of your dad, your money worries, and your anxiety and depression, well - you need to get some help! This is no way to live! I am worried for your safety. Please call for help now if you have the strength. We all care about you so much! We truly do! Dixie, have you considered medication for depression? It saved my daughter's life. I know it could help you too!
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Post by kikitwo on Aug 11, 2019 23:39:43 GMT
I am so sorry you are going through this sadness. Please I BEG you—-do NOT hurt yourself! You have friends on this board.
I taught for 33 years so I do understand how stressful that can be.
I know someone is going to respond who can provide more help than I can. I just wanted you to know that I care about YOU!
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Post by bothmykidsrbrats on Aug 11, 2019 23:41:47 GMT
Please call for help! It gets better. {{HUGS}}
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Post by nysparkle on Aug 11, 2019 23:45:55 GMT
Hugs (((DixieLou))) I'm sorry. You do have a lot to deal with. I'm glad writing it out has helped. Do consider calling the hot line.
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Aug 11, 2019 23:47:38 GMT
I am getting more seriously wishing to die. It's been a really hard summer. I've been moments away from tears for months now. Nothing is going to make it better. I'm at a place in my life where all of my friends (most are younger teachers) have families and my brother has family. My dad lives here with me but he's no company. It just makes me feel more isolated than if I lived alone because I am stuck in my bedroom. My dogs are my lifeline but even so now I am thinking that the rescue I volunteer for would take them in and find them homes. I didn't want this divorce. I miss the old Matt, not the one he turned into. I am too depressed to be in a relationship and even so that would be the very last thing on my list I want to do. I am a teacher and school is about to start. The distraction is good for me but going back to work also brings many more stresses and problems. My teacher friends have lives outside of school and I don't want to appear to be the needy one. My best friend at school is getting her doctorate and has four kids plus her full time job! I am here to support her and she most certainly doesn't have time for me. If only it was about teaching the kids! We will have two planning times per week this school year so that means on Tuesdays and Thursdays the only "break" we'll get will be a 20 minute lunch. Those meetings are so stressful and actually take time away from preparing to teach my class. Our administration has no idea how elementary teachers need to plan. They both taught middle/high school. Apparently we should WAIT to plan until those planning times but in reality we have to be prepared going in there. So we are constantly planning and getting ready for the "show" we have to put on. We hardly have time to pee during that 20 minutes, if we want to eat lunch. My house payment increased $300 because of taxes and my electricity bill was $440. My water bill was $284. I'm not making it through the month. I need to get a second job but I'm already so anxious and depressed I'm not sure how I will manage with that. I'm scared to go out and look for one too. I've been at my current job for 18 years. It's been a while since I've had to hunt for a job. I clean my house and spend time in my backyard but besides that all I do is sleep. It's all I can do not to scream and scream until someone calls the police and take me to a hospital. I'm afraid I am going to snap. I will never hurt anyone but I will hurt myself. I don't want to call attention to myself. Being alone with all the stress and with no money to get out and DO SOMETHING makes it worse. I didn't even get to plant flowers in my yard this year because of no money. I will say I am sorry for the negativity but it helps to get it written down. I wish there was a sure way of killing myself with what I have here at home. Unfortunately no mixture of my medications will cause death. i've done the research. Nothing I say truly describes how sad I am. Please call the hotline NOW. Or call the hospital. You will benefit from calling someone who will know exactly what to say and do. It’s been 3+ years that you’ve been so depressed and you just need help from a professional to help you out if this unfortunate quagmire. Please call.
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asta
Shy Member
Posts: 19
Jul 23, 2014 11:41:46 GMT
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Post by asta on Aug 11, 2019 23:48:33 GMT
Just want to send you lot of love and lot of hugs, from a fellow teacher in Iceland.
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samantha25
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,892
Jun 27, 2014 19:06:19 GMT
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Post by samantha25 on Aug 11, 2019 23:48:38 GMT
I have felt sad, too lately. Please know that you matter. Keep posting here and we can chat with you about anything.... can we help with ideas for planning?
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Post by stumpedagainof3 on Aug 11, 2019 23:53:45 GMT
(((Hugs)))
Hoping you feel better soon.
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Post by smalltowngirlie on Aug 11, 2019 23:59:28 GMT
I wish I had some great words of wisdom, but the I would suggest that if you feel like crying then cry. Let that be a release.
Also, please see if you have something at work to get some free counseling session. My agency has them but many people forget it is available.
There are a tone of free experiences you could do to get out if the house more often. We were just talking about walking through some local gardens. I do understand you may not feel like going out, but please try.
Is there a local dog park you could take your doggies to? Again it is free and gets you out with your puppers.
Hugs.
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Aug 12, 2019 0:06:58 GMT
I'm sorry you are at this terribly low point. You cannot get yourself out of this. You must seek help. Please contact someone -- your teacher union, the human resources department at your district, your physician, or a similar resource. Tell them what you have typed here. We want you to feel better and stay here in this world as part of our pea family.
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Post by Dixie Lou on Aug 12, 2019 0:09:38 GMT
I don't want to try anymore. I am on medication.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Aug 12, 2019 0:10:47 GMT
Dixie Lou when you are that low, it's hard to pull yourself out alone. Please seek help. And I will say the only thing that matters to me when I am that low...you are loved. You are valued.
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paget
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,741
Jun 25, 2014 21:16:39 GMT
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Post by paget on Aug 12, 2019 0:11:35 GMT
Please tell someone - reach out over the phone or in your life (doctor, work). I want you to feel better. You deserve to feel better. I’m thinking of you. ❤️
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Post by christine58 on Aug 12, 2019 0:15:59 GMT
You NEED help...inpatient HELP... If you posted this on FB, there'd be a button we could click to get 911 called. You posted here for help. Take the advice given and CALL THE HOTLINE
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Post by Blind Squirrel on Aug 12, 2019 0:16:17 GMT
You are certainly going through a tough time, but tough times don't last forever. You are loved and precious. Please seek help. It will get better.
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Post by scraphop on Aug 12, 2019 0:24:05 GMT
I understand a little of what your going through because my ex husband walked out on me and our son 3 years ago. It’s been hard because never in a million years did I expect it to happen. A year prior to his leaving we moved to a town of 600 where I didn’t know anyone. I found a job at the local school which I love but I don’t have the same life as my married coworkers who have known each other their entire lives. Meanwhile he moved back to our hometown. I say all this to say it will get better!! I am just now comfortable saying the words “divorced” and “ex”. I still miss him and have no interest in dating anyone. All the ladies here are so supportive of you and care about you! So many on this board have walked this same dark road and even though I rarely comment, their stories taught me that it would eventually get easier and it has.
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Post by librarylady on Aug 12, 2019 0:32:07 GMT
Please tell another teacher friend, that you are lonely and really need someone to drop by and talk with you.
Call that hot line. I have called it at a low point and did get the help I needed.
I wondered how things were going for you as you had not posted in awhile......
We care. I KNOW there are at least 2 people in real life that care about you. Don't give up!
Hug.
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Post by ntsf on Aug 12, 2019 0:37:49 GMT
I just want to say we are thinking of you and reaching through our screens for a hug...
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Post by birukitty on Aug 12, 2019 0:42:35 GMT
I don't want to try anymore. I am on medication. Dixie Lou, through absolutely no fault of your own the medication you are taking isn't working. And it's happening at the worst time in your life when you need to be strong as so much is being heaped upon you. Again-this is not your fault! What can you do? You have two choices. Fight for your life by calling for help-this isn't easy for any of us. We don't like asking for help because we think it makes us look weak. Or stay as you are and keep sinking more each day as you struggle more and more. Asking for help is actually a sign of being strong. It means taking control of the situation, telling it, "You're not in control anymore, I am!" and calling for help from the suicide prevention hotline or 911 and tell them you've been thinking about suicide. Your life it too precious to waste. What you are feeling now is the disease of depression filling your thoughts-they are temporary thoughts. Suicide is a forever act. You can't go back and reverse it. I've suffered through depression too in the past, spending 10 years of it with a form known as treatment resistant depression. I know it can get much better-night and day better. I will pray for you.
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Post by gizzy on Aug 12, 2019 0:48:47 GMT
I'm sorry life has been so difficult lately. It's so easy to feel alone when you're in that space.
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Post by NanaKate on Aug 12, 2019 0:55:10 GMT
I am so very sorry for your struggles. I can tell you one thing for sure and that is nothing stays the same for long. Things will change. I have battled depression myself so I understand how hard it can be to believe this. Please don’t harm yourself. Reach out to someone for help even if it is calling one of the helpline numbers posted above. There are those that care and are willing to see you through this difficult time. (((HUGS)))
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moodyblue
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,170
Location: Western Illinois
Site Supporter
Jun 26, 2014 21:07:23 GMT
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Post by moodyblue on Aug 12, 2019 0:56:16 GMT
I don't want to try anymore. I am on medication. You need to let your doctor know that the medication isn’t helping. You need help NOW. The school stuff, the money - those can be dealt with after you and your doctor or therapist get the mental health part figured out. I know what it’s like to not have the life you had and still want; my husband died last January and I’m having to build a new life around that enormous gaping hole in the middle of my world. Do I want to? No, it sucks, and sometimes I’m exhausted emotionally and physically and close to tears at any moment because there are always more things I miss, but I’m doing it. I don’t know what it’s like to want to kill yourself, but I do know that you need help if that’s the way you feel. Don’t make a permanent decision about the future based on your emotions now. Things can and will be different - please get help.
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scrappinspidey2
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,511
Location: In the Parlor with the Fly
Mar 18, 2015 19:19:37 GMT
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Post by scrappinspidey2 on Aug 12, 2019 0:58:22 GMT
Dixie I have been where you are. It is hard to pull out of but you have resources. Your brain is lying to you when it says its to hard to get help. All you have to do is pick up a phone. You can do that. They will do the rest. Do it. You are worth it. you are loved. You have people on this board who have been where you are and can help.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Apr 26, 2024 5:53:00 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 12, 2019 1:00:21 GMT
It's exhausting to be a caretaker and provider and you need to talk to someone to help you through this difficult time. Please take care of yourself. You matter. You really, really do.
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Post by LilyRose on Aug 12, 2019 1:01:01 GMT
Dixie Lou, you matter! Please, please reach out for help. The number listed in the first two responses is the perfect place to find some help. I hate that you are feeling this way. Please seek help.
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Post by ihaveonly1l on Aug 12, 2019 1:03:53 GMT
Please make the call! You are WORTH it! Pick up the phone!
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