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Post by kernriver on Sept 9, 2019 22:49:45 GMT
I’ve learned (the hard way) not to give my opinion even if asked. I just put a neutral look on my face and try not to scream.
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Post by bc2ca on Sept 9, 2019 23:10:04 GMT
I think that, no matter how good your relationship with adult children, they default to hearing what you are saying filtered through the parent role. My DH can listen to advice/opinions from my dad that drive me nuts, because (even at almost 60!?) I hear him telling a child what to do. I also know what my dad's advice on any given subject will be. My mom had a great way of getting you to look at the pros and cons of a situation without ever telling you what to do. I strive to do that with my young adults. Sometimes it is hard for parents to accept that our opinion is completely irrelevant. Tattoos are an issue for DH. He loathes them and we had it out because he was angry I didn't "back him up" when DD started getting tats. I knew from the time she was a young teen that she would be getting ink and was only surprised that she waited until 20. I cared that she went to a good artist and clean shop. I like her first & third tattoos and am not a fan of 2 and 4. Funny thing I did give my opinion on those two from a design perspective and she did listen, changing the placement/orientation.
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PrettyInPeank
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,691
Jun 25, 2014 21:31:58 GMT
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Post by PrettyInPeank on Sept 9, 2019 23:48:46 GMT
Maybe I can offer some of my perspective as the adult child. When I talk about some situation, really any situation, my mom often struggles with just being supportive in general, and with not giving opinions on how it could have been better, how she did it differently when she parented children my children's ages, tells me what to do, etc. She just wants to "fix" things.
It comes off as criticism, and can really cause resentment. I told her she needs to address me almost like a peer or co-worker, not a child.
For example, if you had a neighbor frustrated and having problems with a repairman for example, and you thought they could handle it differently, would you say, "No, did you ask them that! You need to _____. This is why ______ is happening."
You probably wouldn't. You'd probably approach a peer by phrasing it as a suggestion or maybe a question. "______ worked really well for me, you should consider it" or "Have you tried ____? It worked well for me" Or if it's a lost cause you'd bite your tongue entirely instead, "Seems like a tough situation. Good luck!"
I would focus more on the support, not "fixing" things with opinions and advice. Try just saying stuff like, "I understand why you're frustrated" "This seems scary I imagine. I hope you get answers soon" "I'm sorry that happened" Being supportive means way less advice and opinions. It's really about the delivery of the opinion, too. As long as you talk to them like peers and not children, you should improve your relationship.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 2, 2024 7:54:54 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 10, 2019 0:00:34 GMT
It's subjective. I was always very close with my 2 children and we remain close now (they're 29 & 31). I'm usually encouraging them to figure life out without my input, but I'll gladly give it if it's necessary.
I can't carve out their lives for them, but I love being on close terms with them and giving my advice in small doses.
Good luck. I really feel that if you have always been close to them, then you'll remain close.
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Post by jackietex on Sept 10, 2019 1:01:54 GMT
I’ve learned (the hard way) not to give my opinion even if asked. I just put a neutral look on my face and try not to scream. Fortunately for me it was someone else's mistake with my kid. My oldest daughter (29) recently revealed she is dating another girl, and the first time she saw her grandfather in person after that, he felt the need to tell her that it wouldn't be fair for them to have children. She knows he loves her, but now she isn't sure she will vacation with us in Michigan anymore, as she has done every single year of her life, because her girlfriend doesn't want to be around that negativity, nor expose their children to that. I'm positive that the situation will improve, but it really hit home that I need to offer opinions and advise only when it is requested.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 2, 2024 7:54:54 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 10, 2019 2:21:37 GMT
Im failing as a parent of an adult child, so I got nothing to offer. But I hope you are able to figure it out whatever it is you need to be doing (or not doing). No you are not. More children do what he is doing than you realize. He will find his way. He has a good foundation.
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