Parents of adult children- tips needed

For the most part, yes, I think that is true. If I do need to state my opinion, I try to do it privately, especially with DS, who thinks he is never wrong.

Yeah....oh and don't look at them either. You'll be doing that wrong too.

I do believe a lot has to also do with what your sex is and what your child's sex is. I think daddys and daughters get along much better than moms/daughters. I have the same feeling about dads/sons and dads/moms.

So, since I've learned this I will ask questions through my husband. He can get a response. Me......she just gets ticked. I've repeatedly told our daughter that she is hearing things that I'm not remotely thinking or wondering about. That hasn't helped, at least outwardly. I would like to think she is thinking about it after she calms down.

*snort*. Well, I think I’m keeping my mouth shut, but the kids say otherwise. Part of the problem is that everything I think shows on my face. I do take comfort in the fact that they call me for advice. I can’t be too horrible then, right?

My kids are still pretty young adults—20 and 22, and they both still receive financial support from us since they are still in school. So we do know more about their business than if they were married and living on their own.

I will say that I feel I try to run the pros and cons with them and I try to praise them when they take a risk. We all tend to be a cautious bunch and sometimes a leap of faith can bring great things. I do ask a lot of questions because that who I am (I have a journalism background). But at the same time, it’s so interesting to see how they are developing their own opinions and ways of doing things. I try to show approval when it’s obvious they have really thought something out. For years, we have talked about making a deliberate choice and not just falling in with a crowd.

We also talk about how hard it is to parent young adults and to be a young adult. So they are less sensitive if I ask why they chose to do (or not do) something. I love hearing the answers and getting their opinion. It also helps to look to them for advice. DD works for a Theatre’s costume shop and we will discuss a sewing project that I’m working on. DS is an electrical engineer and I’ve asked a lot advice about European power and what and what not to bring with us on our move to Belgium. I think it helps to let them know that their opinions have value, too.

Only when asked and even then I try to be very careful about what I say most of the time. It's a bit easier now that they are older - the youngest is 30.

My mother though, had to be taught to stay out of things. She used to call me after she had tried to talk to my children and say can't you make them do or not do something she didn't like. I would just repeat they are adults and I can't make them to anything. She finally got the hint and I haven't got any of those calls in years.

Oh, also learn to listen but not judge

momto4kiddos my mother is the same, and we do not have a good relationship because of it. It breaks my heart because I am a good person, I have a good job, I am kind to others, but I will never ever be good enough for her.

I have not allowed that to happen with my adult children, and they both have made decisions that would not be what I have chosen for them. All I have to do is remember that because I made different choices for myself then my mother would have, I can't have a relationship with her and I shut right up.

My only tips to you are this...1) remember that this is 100% their life and they get to make their own choices. What is right for me, may not be right for them. and 2) I have a very strong faith and I believe that things work out the way they are supposed to...even if it is rough along the way. I am 52 and I make mistakes all of the time. I am not always right. Your (and my) kids are going to make mistakes also.

All that said, hugs mama because I know it is hard!

Once your children are adults it no longer your job to run their life. If they ask your opinion, be careful what you say. Your best bet it to listen and be supportive. If you feel the need to give your opinion, be prepared to not have it taken appreciatively. You need to decide which is more important, giving your opinion or a good relationship with your kids.

I don't usually give my opinion - I will listen and help them come to a decision and sometimes ask questions if I think they haven't thought about a particular aspect (for instance -deciding between two apartments, I might ask about the commute from each or what the laundry situation is but I would never say that I liked one better than the other or thought they should choose a particular one)

And I don't necessarily think it's a gender thing - I have an adult son and an adult daughter - they both come to me for advise and to bounce ideas off. Neither goes to DH - but DH is a fixer who needs to find a solution for everything (even if they just want to talk something through) and is strongly opinionated.

I don’t find the success of relationships to be an opposite gender thing at my house. I have much better relationships with my three dds than dh does. By far. And dh gets along better with his father and his four sisters get along better with his mother.

My girls are almost 26, 23, and 20. I can offer opinions - like someone else said, it’s just better to offer it as an option and be fine with whatever. I just be supportive and interested in their lives and proud of them and it’s working great so far. I make a point to offer lots of unsolicited praise about random things so when asked for an opinion I can share the truth, even if not what they want to hear, if it’s important. It’s easier to take it if I’m not always negative and have lots of positive stuff built up. Also, I feel if I always offer rainbows and fluff my opinions starts to not be as true and I want them to continue to trust me.

Im failing as a parent of an adult child, so I got nothing to offer. But I hope you are able to figure it out whatever it is you need to be doing (or not doing).

first, unless they are engaged, I don't comment on my kids' relationships. I find it is not my business. I am just a sympathetic listener.

If you feel you MUST give an opinion keep in mind two things:

1. THEY are the ones that have to live with their choices. It is NOT your life. It is their's to live. You are not responsible to pick up the pieces if things go wrong.
If you are finding it hard to clamp your teeth together and hold your tongue then you are probably too invested in their life still. Your job was to get them to adulthood in the best possible shape (mental, physical, spiritual) what they do after that is THEIRS.

2. Take  a very very deep dive into the reasons why YOU must give your opinion. Is it worth losing that chance to ever give advice because the adultchild cut your communication off? I hid a lot from my mom because she worries too much and can't hold the advice any more. My dad may worry but it doesn't express it to me and ask a load of questions for months on end about it. 

If you decide you must indeed do it then:

1. Present the "advice" as things to consider. Starting with the most worrisome aspect.  "Have you considered xyz?"  and LISTEN to the response. If they have considered that angle then let it go.  If they haven't considered it then read their reaction to decide whether to dialogue about it or shut up. You don't have to ask about all the issues. Just the biggest one.

2. Present options instead of advice. Let them know upfront what you are willing to offer if things don't go the way they expect  and need help.  But only offer what you are really truly willing to provide without strings or resentment.  Adultchild making a career change... if it doesn't work can you offer them to return home for 3 months while they look for other opportunities. 
 

Because advice from someone else can help keep mistakes to a minimum, I don't withhold opinions. But I am careful to not belittle or be condemning. Also, I always make sure that they have to do what is best for them and my feelings will not be hurt if they ignore my advice. Another good tactic is to find out their opinion first and then ask questions in a non-confrontational way.

We all love our children and want their lives to be free of mistakes and the like. I feel as their parents we should not withhold our opinions, we have lived longer and supposedly are wiser, etc. But we just need to be sure they feel free to go their own way and know we will love and support them no matter what.

BTW my daughters are in their late forties and we have a good relationship.

I agree with this. I think so many issues come with how the advice is given, not simply that it is offered in the first place.