Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 7, 2024 11:23:23 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 13, 2014 17:07:37 GMT
Money issues are always awkward! Is the future in-law family contributing to the cost of the wedding?
I think this one is on you, unfortunately. You should have said two bills, not one. I know it can feel awkward, but you need to speak up for yourself.
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The Birdhouse Lady
Drama Llama
Moose. It's what's for dinner.
Posts: 7,348
Location: Alaska -The Last Frontier
Jun 30, 2014 17:15:19 GMT
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Post by The Birdhouse Lady on Oct 13, 2014 17:10:48 GMT
She sound like a real peach! Take a deep breath and remember to pray for your daughter!!
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quiltz
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,840
Location: CANADA
Jun 29, 2014 16:13:28 GMT
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Post by quiltz on Oct 13, 2014 17:24:26 GMT
I would have taken the $5.00 tip and then leave it for the waitress. FMIL must have been a real peach during lunch.
How many people were with you on this excursion?
I suggest that you have the future bridesmaid dress sessions with only the necessary people.
Also, only include the future MIL in the items that she is paying for and that "While you appreciate her willingness to help with the rest of the wedding planning, you and your DD have a firm grasp on the rest of the details.".
Good luck with her list of guest invites - if there is a [HASH], give her a lower [HASH] of guests for her to invite, knowing that you really have a slightly larger allocation to help with the stress of this situation.
Let her have all the fun with the rehearsal dinner/party. Even better, have the rehearsal dinner/party 2 days before the wedding (lots of people are doing this now), so that the day before the wedding is less-stressed. |
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Post by auntkelly on Oct 13, 2014 17:28:20 GMT
This is exactly why I don't think a bride should be pressured into inviting her future mother-in-law (or anyone else for that matter) to go wedding dress shopping with her. I just think it's so much easier when it's just the bride and her mother and maybe a sister or close friend.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 7, 2024 11:23:23 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 13, 2014 17:43:20 GMT
This is exactly why I don't think a bride should be pressured into inviting her future mother-in-law (or anyone else for that matter) to go wedding dress shopping with her.  |
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momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,153
Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Oct 13, 2014 17:48:02 GMT
She sound fun  I'd never heard the expression before, but an aunt said she frequently reminded her (big mouthed) husband that during their ds' wedding planning and wedding he was to wear beige or be beige. Someone correct me on that one? Very basically this wedding was being paid for by the brides family and he need to keep his trap shut, lol! Maybe someone needs to inform FMIL of that one! |
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Post by dreamer on Oct 13, 2014 17:51:15 GMT
it was a very nice gesture on your part. How kind of you to want to include FMIL. From now on. I"d let it alone! Especially when their is money and decisions to be made! You know where she is coming from.
Hugs! and Congrats to your DD! How exciting! I hope your FSIL is a great guy!
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perumbula
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,439 
Location: Idaho
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Post by perumbula on Oct 13, 2014 18:02:20 GMT
oh dear. I'm sorry she put in a crimp in your day. Good for you for trying, though.
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Post by littlemama on Oct 13, 2014 18:07:42 GMT
we asked future MIL if she wanted to come along. After about the 5th dress and 'this one is ok but not this part' 'I can't see myself sitting down in this one', comments from my DD - FMIL made quite a few comments about color, design and oh no that's not you - EXCUSE ME!!!! We let her tell us what she liked and didn't like and go on to the next dress.
Why did you invite her if not to offer opinions and advice?
Yes, her comments about you not "skimping" on the wedding were inappropriate, especially if she is not contributing anything to the cost, and her comments while at David's Bridal were not appropriate either, but then again, you could have been more diplomatic about what you would choose to wear.
As for the lunch, she may have felt that you invited her for the whole day. As your guest, she might not have thought she was supposed to pay for her own. You should have had the checks split if that was not your intention.
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Post by lorieann13 on Oct 13, 2014 18:12:43 GMT
That is why it was just my mom and I. I didn't want others telling me what dress I should get. We did invite "mil" (we have no relationship now) to my final dress fitting though. And it was just mom and I for bridesmaid dresses too. Then the my sister and sil came to try them on.
Next time you need to put your foot down. Its no ones decision than your daughters, and well yours due to price.
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Post by my2apps2 on Oct 13, 2014 18:13:23 GMT
That was so sweet of you to include her in the day! I am currently a "FMIL"...mom of the groom, and I have to tell you that for the most part I am not included and am overlooked. I know that is just the way it is because weddings are all about the bride and her family, but I don't agree with it and think in many ways it is cruel to be dismissive of the woman who is also "giving away" her son. Groom's mommies love and will miss them just as much as the bride's mom loves and will miss her. But that's another thread for another day.  I'm sorry she was so difficult, but now you know how she is and can plan accordingly on the next outing. Be sure to speak up for yourself, if you don't have the money for something...say so! There is no shame in being on a budget. We all would buy our kids a magical wedding with all the frills if we could afford it, but we can't all do that. And your daughter is aware of your limitations and will love whatever you can do for her. Of course, a well placed "FMIL, you are right...that dress IS nicer, how much are you contributing to the cause?" might get her to back off. Best wishes to your families and congratulations to your daughter and her guy! |
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Post by beanbuddymom on Oct 13, 2014 18:34:06 GMT
I'm sorry your DD's FMIL put a damper on her day. Sounds like she has very strong opinions.
Let me tell you if you think this next year is the only time you are going to have to deal with that woman, you are, I am betting, sorely mistaken.
If she is this outspoken on a day where I feel she should have been polite I can't imagine what your DD entire life is going to be like. I hope you both realize this. Not to mention that she made it all about her when it came time for getting a dress.
Hopefully your DD is marrying a DH that supports your DD and doesn't let his mom overun their lives with her strong opinions. You see enough MIL stories on this board to know how important that is.
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IPeaFreely
Full Member
Posts: 389
Location: Castle Frankenstein
Jun 26, 2014 8:32:27 GMT
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Post by IPeaFreely on Oct 13, 2014 18:50:58 GMT
OK, what? 2 bills at the restaurant? Are people saying you should have singled out FMIL to have her own check?
You can't go forward just assuming she will do something like pick up the check. You invited her so while I would probably have picked up the check (and offered to help pay for the wedding dress) she doesn't feel like I do. And maybe she doesn't have the same kind of money I do. Let's not vilify her because she didn't do what you thought she should have done. It sounds like you are in different financial circumstances. She's going to act differently than you.
So what else is left to decide? Flowers? Reception? If she's in on any of that just inform her of the budget and the need to really stick with it. Straight up, let her have it. And tell her nicely she needs to plan the rehearsal dinner. If she asks for financial help from you, tell her you did not budget for that as it's the groom's responsibility.
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Post by hennybutton on Oct 13, 2014 19:22:40 GMT
we asked future MIL if she wanted to come along. After about the 5th dress and 'this one is ok but not this part' 'I can't see myself sitting down in this one', comments from my DD - FMIL made quite a few comments about color, design and oh no that's not you - EXCUSE ME!!!! We let her tell us what she liked and didn't like and go on to the next dress.
Why did you invite her if not to offer opinions and advice?
Yes, her comments about you not "skimping" on the wedding were inappropriate, especially if she is not contributing anything to the cost, and her comments while at David's Bridal were not appropriate either, but then again, you could have been more diplomatic about what you would choose to wear.
As for the lunch, she may have felt that you invited her for the whole day. As your guest, she might not have thought she was supposed to pay for her own. You should have had the checks split if that was not your intention.
Was she just supposed to remain silent? When DD got married, we went dress shopping with the bridal party. My sister-in-law came along because her daughter was a bridesmaid and didn't drive yet. SIL is very opinionated and has a tendency to take over. That's just the way she is and we accept it. The bridesmaids all had opinions and expressed them too. If we hadn't been willing to accept other people's opinions, dress shopping would have been just DD & me. If I had been a nasty bitch, DD would have gone with just a friend or two. I've been married twice and shopped for my dresses alone, so I'm glad DD was able to include friends and family. I also think that FMIL wasn't expecting to pay for lunch. In general, when you "invite" someone to go somewhere, the implication is that you're paying. When our group went wedding dress shopping, I paid for lunch for everyone. |
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Deleted
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Oct 7, 2024 11:23:23 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 13, 2014 19:25:11 GMT
As someone who just got married recently, your daughter or you may want to put your foot down now or it's going to be a LONG year. You can be kind, but firm and this is great practice for your DD in standing up for what she wants. Maybe if you take the lead once, she'll follow suit.
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Post by eebud on Oct 13, 2014 20:05:11 GMT
Why did you invite her if not to offer opinions and advice?
Yes, her comments about you not "skimping" on the wedding were inappropriate, especially if she is not contributing anything to the cost, and her comments while at David's Bridal were not appropriate either, but then again, you could have been more diplomatic about what you would choose to wear.
As for the lunch, she may have felt that you invited her for the whole day. As your guest, she might not have thought she was supposed to pay for her own. You should have had the checks split if that was not your intention.
Was she just supposed to remain silent? When DD got married, we went dress shopping with the bridal party. My sister-in-law came along because her daughter was a bridesmaid and didn't drive yet. SIL is very opinionated and has a tendency to take over. That's just the way she is and we accept it. The bridesmaids all had opinions and expressed them too. If we hadn't been willing to accept other people's opinions, dress shopping would have been just DD & me. If I had been a nasty bitch, DD would have gone with just a friend or two. I've been married twice and shopped for my dresses alone, so I'm glad DD was able to include friends and family. I also think that FMIL wasn't expecting to pay for lunch. In general, when you "invite" someone to go somewhere, the implication is that you're paying. When our group went wedding dress shopping, I paid for lunch for everyone. I agree with this too. I also think it would have been rude to say, put hers on one ticket and you can put the rest on another ticket and give that one to me. While I would have paid for my own, she may have assumed you were paying since you invited her. It sounds like both you and your middle DD don't like confrontation. I have no problem telling someone I am not going to pay over $X for something. If they argue or say something about it, I ask them if they are volunteering to pay the rest? If they get defensive, I have no problem telling them that they don't get to choose how I spend my money. When it comes to expenses for the wedding that you are paying for, you need to tell her this is the budget and you will stick to it or if you go over, then some other area of the budget will be reduced. I would also be prepared with how many people they will be able to invite to the wedding. If they wish to invite more, let them know how much per person the extra people will cost them. Of course, if they want to invite more, make sure you figure in the all of the costs (extra invites, food, drinks, etc.) |
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Post by traceys on Oct 13, 2014 20:15:28 GMT
I know it's hard to really "get it" sometimes when you're not there, but honestly it doesn't sound so bad to me....more like some different expectations and confusion that can come from not knowing someone well, and just doing things differently in general.
As for the lunch tab, when I am out to lunch with a group and I tell the server to put it on one check, that means I'm paying. When the check needs to be split, I will say something like "Put mine and hers (DD) together..." And let everyone else have their own. If I was in a group where someone asked for the check, it would never occur to me to think that they expected me to give them money.
Hopefully as you all get to know each other better, things will go more smoothly.
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Post by OntarioScrapper on Oct 13, 2014 20:15:38 GMT
This is exactly why I don't think a bride should be pressured into inviting her future mother-in-law (or anyone else for that matter) to go wedding dress shopping with her. Well unless it's the MIL who can speak Hindi and get you a better deal on your Sari.  You do have to stand firm on price if you can though. My older sister tried to cause a stir and wanted to get Saris at 3 times the price I was budgeting (we were buying the outfits). I said no can do unless he wanted to pay more and no one else in the party could. So younger sister took them back to the first store as my MIL notigated my dress. When I found them, my younger sister got a deal. They found lovely royal blue Saris. She talked them down to $25 each so it would be 4 foe $100 instead of the 3 advertised. My younger sister is awesome! |
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PaperAngel
Prolific Pea
Posts: 7,799
Jun 27, 2014 23:04:06 GMT
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Post by PaperAngel on Oct 13, 2014 20:27:53 GMT
Congratulations to your middle daughter on her engagement & upcoming nuptials! It was a nice gesture for her to include her fiance's mother in the wedding shopping. I agree with you the mother of the groom should have reserved her opinions unless directly asked, especially regarding the budget/money, & been more supportive/complimentary (e.g. The edging of the veil complements the detailing on the gorgeous dress you chose. OR I agree this dress may be cumbersome at the reception, but it is beautiful, & I can understand why you wanted to try it. OR Although uncertain about the color, the style of these bridesmaid dresses seems flattering for all body types; what other colors are available?). I would have offered to pay for my own lunch, & then insisted after witnessing the grandmother of the bride reimburse you afterwards!
Having seen the mother of the groom in action, encourage your daughter to exclude her from the next shopping spree OR schedule it between meals. I also suggest you spend the next year helping your daughter develop coping mechanisms for her future mother-in-law's inevitable strong opinions, confrontations, etc.!
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Post by mommaho on Oct 13, 2014 20:32:23 GMT
I didn't expect FMIL to be silent, just didn't expect or want my DD to feel like we were in a bad episode of "Say Yes to the Dress". She is a very sweet young woman who takes everything to heart. It is her day and I wanted it to be her decision on her dress. That is why we My Mom, Oldest DD and I) only asked what she liked and didn't like about each dress. There was one "Oh Hell No" dress and DD told us that as soon as she walked out of the dressing room.
It is true that neither DD or I like confrontation which is why I kept quiet about her $5 tip offer and said I already added the tip to the bill.
I realize that this is one of those "First World Problems" and just needed to vent - so thanks for letting me get it off my chest!
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Post by annabella on Oct 13, 2014 20:37:05 GMT
If I overspent $200 on a dress I never would have gone out lunch, I would have told everyone they can eat at home.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 7, 2024 11:23:23 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 13, 2014 20:41:34 GMT
I'm with whoever said that it was very nice of you to make the gesture and invite her along. Now you know what she's like, and you can keep your distance.
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Post by epeanymous on Oct 13, 2014 20:53:39 GMT
Hopefully it is a one-off. I do think it would have been weird to ask for a separate check just for her (although in her position I would have offered to pay for myself), but I also know what you mean in terms of the difference between what you are hoping for when someone comes along on a dress-buying expedition and what you get.
I would try to remain optimistic and would try not to write her off. However, I will say, after nearly eighteen years of being married to my husband, a lot of the lessons that I learned during the wedding planning in terms of dealing with my inlaws were lessons that, this many years out, turn out to be representative of what I had to expect.
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quiltz
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,840
Location: CANADA
Jun 29, 2014 16:13:28 GMT
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Post by quiltz on Oct 13, 2014 20:56:09 GMT
When FSIL first proposed FMIL said they would be willing to help and knew there was a list of who should pay for what so they will take care of what they were supposed to take care of. So basically - they are taking care of whatever The Knot says they should pay and that will be it. Except, she offered to use a friends daughter who was just getting started do the engagement pictures which is a grand total of $85.00. Which ok - drives me crazy because I won't have the CD - she will!!!!! I know all you scrappers get that! I wasn't expecting them to pay for anything more than the Grooms Family is supposed to take care of - I just really didn't expect her to be telling me or DD how much we should be spending if that makes sense! Thanks for letting me vent . . . FSIL makes our DD happy ( we are still getting used to him!)- and that is all that counts in the grand scheme of things! I do need to speak up for myself more but I hate confrontation! (bold type is what I have highlighted)
1. It is good to know that they are aware of what they are to pay for (the Knot). Does this include engagement pictures. You could ask for a copy of the CD of the engagement pictures, have you done this? Or have the pictures not been taken yet?
2. You are still getting used to your FSIL. Yes, everyone comes from different backgrounds. I would try to get to know your FSIL and his family. Differences doesn't necessarily mean bad or horrible.
I do wish you and everyone involved a wonderful wedding.
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zztop11
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,537
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Post by zztop11 on Oct 13, 2014 21:04:25 GMT
Just think how good your daughter's FMIL is feeling right now about her FDIL. She's thinking about being invited to go along, being able to give her opinion, being treated to lunch, sharing this important occasion with future family. Think of it as setting a nice tone for your daughter's family.
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Kerri W
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,790
Location: Kentucky
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Post by Kerri W on Oct 13, 2014 21:10:53 GMT
I agree.
My DD was married 5/31. We invited her MIL to participate in every single aspect of the wedding, including dress shopping, because she doesn't have daughters and won't get to experience that part of the wedding planning. She was very appreciative and it was a great opportunity for our side of the family to get to know her better. Is she a carbon copy of me and my opinions? No. Thank goodness. But she does love my DD and I see it as my job to foster that in any way I can. Of course I don't want my DD to be a doormat but I will always ask DD to consider her MILs point of view. I will always encourage my DD to include her MIL. I will always remind DD that her MIL raised a wonderful young man and wants to be a part of their future children's lives just like I do. I will do anything *I* can to foster their relationship. I think it's very important to not start out with an us vs. them mentality.
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IPeaFreely
Full Member
Posts: 389
Location: Castle Frankenstein
Jun 26, 2014 8:32:27 GMT
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Post by IPeaFreely on Oct 13, 2014 21:12:46 GMT
Regarding the photographer...why would you not get a CD of the pictures? Can't you just ask for one? I mean, how much could it possibly be to get one?
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Post by darkangel090260 on Oct 13, 2014 21:25:19 GMT
Tell dd to run now Befor its to late
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Post by christine58 on Oct 13, 2014 21:32:21 GMT
Tell dd to run now Befor its to late Oh please... |
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Post by 950nancy on Oct 13, 2014 21:38:57 GMT
As far as the CD goes, I take pictures of my son and his gf quite often. I have hundreds of them. I always offer to make a cd for her, but now she just comes with a flash drive and retrieves them off the computer to share with her mom who does not own a camera except her phone. I love sharing the photos and know her mom enjoys the fact that I take a lot of pictures.
I hope that I will make a good MIL. I only have boys and want to have a good relationship with whoever my boys choose. I would certainly know better than to say anything about a dress and a budget. That really wasn't her place to comment on the cost. I guess I would offer to pay for lunch too. Being invited somewhere as an adult is different to me than inviting a young person.
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