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Post by pmm on Sept 19, 2019 2:20:24 GMT
I am so sorry. đ My mom passed very unexpectedly Feb 2005. I was 4 months pregnant with what would have been her first (only) grandchild(Iâm an only child). 16 months later my dad passed after a short battle with cancer đ It takes a long long time to feel more ânormalâ but really itâs a new and unwelcome normal. The pain eventually fades. No thatâs not right, it doesnât fade itâs just as strong for me but instead of it being consistent it comes and goes when I least expect it. Just when I think I have a handle on the emotions a song will trigger a memory and the flood gates will open, or my Son will say/do something and I wish my mom was here to see it. Iâm at a point where I can laugh and reminisce with family but it took time. Give yourself time. Again I am so very sorry, I wish I could help ease your pain, just know that we are here for you. ETA After reading responses I want to add I really wish I had went to counseling, but my son was born 3 months premature and I just threw myself into his medical needs. That got me through the first couple years. After all this time I still feel pretty raw (they were only 53) and think therapy would have been so helpful. I think that would be my biggest suggestion for helping you heal. Hugs to all that are hurting. I bet you could still go to grief counseling. It would be worthwhile to look into. Hugs to you, your plate was overflowing at that time.
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Post by Horse scrap on Sept 19, 2019 2:27:44 GMT
Youâve got lots of good advise/perspectives. Thereâs not right or wrong way to grieve. It has been 13 months since I lost my dad. My heart shattered that day. It changed me- some for the good, some Iâm not sure as Iâm questioning lots in my life. Iâve done grief counseling, now Iâm doing regular therapy. I also meet with 4 friends who lost a parent during the same year. Right now we are discussing if we are adapting or adjusting to life w/o our parents. Sending you good thoughts and healing prayers.
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Post by piebaker on Sept 19, 2019 2:28:32 GMT
I offer my condolences. I am sorry for the loss of your mom, your best friend. Perhaps a therapist might help you with your grief. Only you know the right course. Take care.
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Post by scrapmaven on Sept 19, 2019 3:16:40 GMT
I'm not ashamed to tell you that when my mom died, 19 years ago I had complicated grief. I just didn't process it. I was devastated and stuck in my grief. A dear friend sent me an article about complicated grief and convinced me to see a grief therapist. Doing so really helped me move fwd. Right now it's still a fresh loss for you. At only a few months I would expect that you're still deeply grieving. If you find that you can't get on w/life or that the fog won't lift then don't hesitate to see a therapist.
My heart goes out to everyone who's recently lost a parent.
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Post by chlerbie on Sept 19, 2019 4:05:28 GMT
I'm so very sorry. It's a club that no one wants to belong to, but everyone who is in it understands.
I lost my mom 23 years ago, when I was 29 years old. While my grief is not constant, I'll still have times that I cry over her, but mostly I feel wistful and think about how much I'd like to share my life with her and can't. I still feel jealous of other people who have their parents and sad that my brothers, who are 10 and 14 years older than me, got to have her so much longer than I did. I also remember that the first year was the hardest. And things hit me kind of suddenly about 9 months later and it felt like it had JUST happened. But I got through it and got to a point where I could talk about her and laugh and not cry. You will, too. Be patient with yourself and seek some help dealing with it if you need to.
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Post by anniefb on Sept 19, 2019 4:18:39 GMT
Iâm sorry for your loss. My experience is that the grief and pain has lessened over the years. My Mum passed away nearly 8 years ago, my Dad 25 years ago. I still really miss my Mum and think of her most days but as others have said you do adjust and the loss becomes more bearable. For me now when I think of Mum itâs more about happy memories about the special times we had together but some days eg Motherâs Day are still hard.
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Post by pherena on Sept 19, 2019 4:52:06 GMT
I lost my Dad on June 16th after a year of declining health. It still doesn't seem real. I haven't even had a good cry yet. I feel like a squirrel in the middle of oncoming traffic, emotionally. I wish I had words of wisdom for us both, but all I can do is say I feel your pain and send hugs from one grieving daughter to another.
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Post by Marina on Sept 19, 2019 5:17:20 GMT
I think the first year was the toughest period for me for both my parents so be gentle on yourself as it's only been 4 months. I lost my dad in my 20's and my mom in my 30's (now in my 50's). As others have said one doesn't get over the death but rather we adjust to a new normal, one without them in our daily lives. The painful grief turns into acceptance but of course you will still miss her and something may trigger a crying moment. Find someone with whom you can talk about how you feel, a friend, grief support group or counselor. For me it helped reading books on grief and journaling, but that's how I process. Everyone is different. As at odds with how you may feel right now make a point to choose life. Get outside, plan activities, you may feel like you are going through the motions but it helps to get out of your routines and put your mind elsewhere. My deepest sympathies to you.
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Post by callmenutz on Sept 19, 2019 5:22:46 GMT
Give yourself more time. It wasnât until the sixth month mark for both my Mom and Dad that I felt somewhat human again and found myself smiling now and then. Yes, life goes on but you will always miss your Mom and best friend. My Mom was my best friend too. I donât know how many times that I picked up the phone to call her. I think of her every day and miss her like crazy. I think it helps that my Mom was ready to go so Iâm thankful that sheâs not here suffering. I do talk to them at night when I say my prayers and usually am moved to gentle tears. I like to believe that they hear me.
Gentle hugs...
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Post by flanz on Sept 19, 2019 6:37:40 GMT
I love this analogy too. I'm so sorry for your loss izzyscraps. (((HUGS)))
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Post by disneypal on Sept 19, 2019 10:11:41 GMT
I am so sorry for your loss
Your DH said you are not the same and it is true, you are not and you never will be âthe sameâ as before
When my dad passed 6 years ago, I thought I would never be able to move on. I cried every day and it was difficult to function. It remained that way for a long, long time.
Over the years, I realized that my dad would want me to live my life. I still have a lot of rough days but I can now think of him and smile instead of always crying.
Time does not heal, but time does help you learn to live again. I also learned that I need to appreciate and enjoy being with everyone that I love who is still here.
((HUGS))
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Post by Mel on Sept 19, 2019 16:23:02 GMT
On Monday it will be 10 years since my Dad died. This week I'm seeing all of the "memories" of his last week on my FB page (that my memories of this day thing). I have opened a couple but scrolled past a couple too. I agree with everyone who has said that it never gets better, it gets different.
I "lost" my brother and sister a year later, by their own choice, they haven't spoken to me since a yr after Dad died. So not only did I have to figure out how to move on after Dad passed, but I also had to accept that my siblings didn't want me or my family in their lives. I'm not sure which is harder, never seeing Dad, or seeing them and knowing they are right here in the same town and won't even look at me if they see me in public.
Find a grief group or a counselor to help you process. Hugs to you!!
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 20, 2024 13:48:23 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 19, 2019 16:32:39 GMT
I'm so sorry for your loss.
My mum died on May 1st this year, some days it's easy to be busy and get on with things other times I'll hear/see/smell something that reminds me of her and it takes my breath away with how much it hurts. We're renovating our house and last night I actually said 'I can't wait to show my mum the kitchen'
Be gentle with yourself, don't feel you have to rush through this to 'be yourself' again. You'll get there naturally.
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inkedup
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,837
Jun 26, 2014 5:00:26 GMT
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Post by inkedup on Sept 19, 2019 16:42:46 GMT
I'm so sorry you are in this club. I think it's great you are reaching out for support. You need all the kindness you can get right now.
The 2nd anniversary of my mom's death is in a couple of weeks, and I will tell you that my grief has changed. It's not always the searing, breathtaking pain that at first permeated every minute of every day. Most moments are bearable, and many are good or even great.
This reddit post describes grief so eloquently:
As for grief, youâll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, youâre drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe itâs some physical thing. Maybe itâs a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe itâs a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.
In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and donât even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, youâll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know whatâs going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anythingâŠand the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.
Somewhere down the line, and itâs different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at OâHare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but youâll come out.
Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you donât really want them to. But you learn that youâll survive them. And other waves will come. And youâll survive them too. If youâre lucky, youâll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.
----
Wishing you comfort and healing. Be gentle with yourself.
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casii
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,466
Jun 29, 2014 14:40:44 GMT
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Post by casii on Sept 19, 2019 16:44:37 GMT
My mom passed away on June 30, so still very fresh. My Nana had passed away on Mother's Day so I felt like I'd just flown in and then out when my mom collapsed. I still catch myself realizing I no longer have a mother. We had a complicated relationship, largely because my father is controlling and theirs was a destructive codependent relationship, but still, she's my mom.
I had a dream a couple of weeks ago where she complained about me cutting my hair. She and Dad had a thing where they think I don't look good with anything but long hair. It was so Mom in the dream. LOL And yes, I had just cut my hair shortly before. I love it.
So, I can only say from talking to friends that I hear it does get easier, the pain does ease up a bit of its weight upon your spirit. The hard work of waiting is hard work. I'm so sorry for your loss.
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Post by hop2 on Sept 19, 2019 17:05:41 GMT
Yes & no. My parents were ill. It was not unexpected. My relationship with my mother wasnât the best plus she had dementia and we were loosing âherâ any way.
My Dad was a bit tougher. Even though he was ill and it wasnât a surprise I kind of expected him to beat it again as he always had before. I miss my Dad terribly. He was my super hero. But life does indeed go on& my dad wouldnât want me to be a miserable mess. So I try hard not to be. But I did go thru a pretty dark time for +/- 2 years. Plus my sister was there for me to help me thru. Some days are easier than others. I canât say that Iâll ever be âover itâ people use that term all the time your supposed to grieve & âget over itâ I donât understand that concept. I am different - it changes you. You canât âgo backâ so life is always different going forward.
When my sister was killed unexpectedly THAT was bad. I still cry 5 years later for seemingly no reason. Especially since the asshole will get out of jail next spring. Yes, life does go on, there are dark times, but there are times that are not that dark. As my dad would be disappointed in me if I gave up and wallow in pity, but my sister would kick my ass, so I try very hard not to wallow in sorrow. Itâs not always easy. Iâm not always successful. I donât always immediately cry when I think of her now. But I am not âover itâ I donât know how Iâll ever be âover itâ it was so fucking senseless and Iâm so filled with rage about it that I canât ever see me being âover itâ & thatâs WITH therapy. Iâm literally a different person. My fatherâs death made me strive each day to be more optimistic like he was & to accept each day I was given & live it as best I could. My sisters death made me more snarky, way way less likely to accept bullshit of any kind, more apt to call people out on said BS. Iâm ok with all that Iâve come to be at peace with my new self. I can be happy without guilt now ( that was hard work to get to that point )
OP HUGS. I hope you can find a way thru your grief. To find a new normal that you are at peace with. It is hard. IMO It takes longer than people around you think it should take to get thru it. Some days are better, truly. But some days still suck.
Hugs
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ginacivey
Pearl Clutcher
refupea #2 in southeast missouri
Posts: 4,685
Jun 25, 2014 19:18:36 GMT
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Post by ginacivey on Sept 19, 2019 19:10:40 GMT
has your husband lost a parent?
my dad died in 01 - my husband had no idea how to help me deal with it
and i probably was different for a year - but it does and did get better
my husband understood when his own father passed
and vehemently apologized - it's just something you can't understand until you deal with it
i STILL think 'i should call my dad'
gina
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MizIndependent
Drama Llama
Quit your bullpoop.
Posts: 5,836
Jun 25, 2014 19:43:16 GMT
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Post by MizIndependent on Sept 19, 2019 19:28:17 GMT
(((((I'm so sorry))))) I've found this explanation of grieving to be very helpful, maybe it will help you too: ETA I see a few others have posted this same piece. Here it is in its entirety from the original source:
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Post by izzyscraps on Sept 20, 2019 1:51:04 GMT
Thank you so much for your kind words. I am so sorry for all of those who have lost a parent. Hugs to each and every one of you.
I have felt so alone in my grief.
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Post by koontz on Sept 20, 2019 14:05:00 GMT
Hugs to you and all Peas that lost a parent. I lost my Mom 15 years ago, my dad not much after that. I agree with the others here - it doesn't go away, it does get more bearable. It makes me so sad that they didn`t get to see my kids grow up and see the amazing people they've become. But I am able to tell my kids stories about my parents and childhood without tearing up, but just enjoy the memories. It's bittersweet.
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Anita
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,646
Location: Kansas City -ish
Jun 27, 2014 2:38:58 GMT
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Post by Anita on Sept 20, 2019 18:36:46 GMT
Sorry for your loss. I'm coming up on the first anniversary of my father's death. He was diagnosed with cancer last summer and died about two months later. It felt sudden even though I got to say my goodbyes. I don't think the grief ever goes away, but it does get to be a lighter load to bear. I kind of went a different direction with my grief. I've spent the past year finally doing things I always said I wanted to but didn't because of that feeling of time running out. Skydiving, public speaking, solo travel. It has helped so much, and I'm discovering a whole new me. Big hugs.
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Post by katlaw on Sept 20, 2019 19:02:18 GMT
I lost my father 29 years ago. I was only 22. We were very close. We got together just to see each other, we grocery shopped together and enjoyed each other's company. It took me a long time to feel "normal". Every time I laughed I felt guilty for feeling happy when he was gone. Buying my first home. Having my first child. All of it felt like he should be there.
The first year I thought I just had to make it through the first Thanksgiving, the first Christmas, the first time his birthday passed, the first Father's Day. I just thought it would be hard and then I would move on. The first anniversary of his death I could not even get out of the house. I cried and cried. It just really hit me that I had to do it all over again. He was never going to be there with me again.
Give yourself time to grieve, there is no timeline on when it should be over. I am sorry you are hurting. In my own experience it does not "get better", it just is different. You will be able to think about her without that shortness of breath you get when you realize someone is gone.
Now when I think of him I remember things he taught me, the fun we had together, the comfort I felt knowing he was there for me. I am sad he never got to meet his grandchildren, I know he would have loved being a grandfather.
Sending you hugs. The Peas are always here if you need someone to talk to, we are great at listening.
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Post by kimpossible on Sept 20, 2019 23:20:35 GMT
I've lost both my parents - my Mom was unexpected, sudden and just a few months after we moved out of state away from her. I would call her every Saturday morning and we would catch up on everything from the week before. It took me many many months to not just lose it on Saturday mornings. I just wanted to be able to speak to her one more time. Eventually it eased up...but holidays and birthdays are always a reminder. That first Mothers Day was rough. I remember saying to my DH, "I don't have a Mother to buy a card for this year".
My Dad had been ill for sometime so his death was not as much of a surprise, but I soon realized that I no longer had parents alive and that was so tough.
I still have waves of it hit me - just this past week when my DS had some good news I thought about the fact I couldn't share it with his grandparents and how sad that was.
Talking about it (or sharing it online) with others that have been through it can help some. Most of it is just time...it won't go completely away, it just eases up a bit.
Very sorry for your loss.
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