Peas who have lost parents

sorry for your loss.

My mom died suddenly in March. In July my father also passed away ( he died of a broken heart. This is a thing I firmly believe) my parents were 64 and 67, has been married as young teens and were always together. I was very close to my mother and I feel her loss as a sharp pain everyday.. I didn’t have the same closeness with my dad but I loved him and I miss them both so much. I function, I have to.. but grief counseling is on my agenda.. I need to talk to someone that doesn’t have an emotional stake,you know? I’m so sorry for your loss. Be gentle with yourself.

Yes, it will get better.

I probably cried every day going to/from work for at least a month, maybe longer.
Eventually the tears stopped but there was a great sadness when others spoke of their moms.
Eventually the hurt stopped "bleeding" and scabbed over--but at odd times the grief gets triggered.

What to do? Not much can be done as each person heals differently.

If you think it will help your healing, join a grief group. Many religious organizations host them and all (to my knowledge) hospice organizations host a grief group. If your deep grief lasts longer that 6 months, then consult a grief counselor.

So sorry for your loss.
I lost my mother in 2014 and I still have dreams about her or dreams that she is in. Your mother was a very integral part of your life and it is very hard to adjust to the loss of that part. It is like losing an arm or leg only you do not have the constant visual reminder of the absence. It takes time and you may always be different and eventually you and those around you will adjust to the new you.

You might ask your husband if he can define how you are different. Are you no fun anymore? If that is the case, this will pass. You will need though to remind yourself that your mother would not want you to give up laughter, joy and fun. Find ways to keep busy and to more on to finding the new you. Think of fun things you and your mother did together, things that make you smile even though there are tears involved. Have you been able to talk to others about your mother? maybe that is needed to get it out, to express the sorrow and also the joy you had in your relationship. Or maybe it is just the opposite, there might be reminders everywhere of your mother so she is constantly on your mind. I would not recommend removing those but when you see those reminders think of the joy you two had together instead of the sorrow that she is no longer around.

These are a few of the things I did to "move on" as my mother would not have stood for me to "brood" or be constantly saddened by her passing.

I lost my dad 3 years ago. We weren’t close because I was taken from him when I was 3. I only saw him twice. It was like having my whole life flipped upside down. I found out so much my mom lied about at dads funeral. My husband made a comment after around 6 months that I wasn’t coping with it, something was wrong. So I started tackling my grief head on. It got better but then my brother died last year at Christmas. I’m still avoiding dealing with that. I compartmentalize things to deal with them on my own terms. Probably not the best way to live. But I know Christmas is going to be hard and I don’t know what to do about it. I’m really sorry for your loss. I hope the days get brighter for you.

My mom has been gone for 29 years. She died a month before my wedding and was buried in her MOB dress. That was hard, but she really loved that dress. She died unexpectedly, so there were no goodbyes. That was rough. Really rough. At times, the grief would physically hurt.

When they say the first year is the hardest, it’s not just a cliche. It really is because you are learning to live your life without your mom, day by day and life event by life event. It’s hard and it’s sad and you just have to get through it.

I’m sending hugs. Your grief is still so new. Be kind to yourself. And don’t be afraid to talk to someone if you need to.

I am so sorry for your loss.

I don’t know if better is a good word for it, it becomes more bearable. You become less raw, you don’t tear up every time someone mentions their mother or father, you can think of them without crying.

I am so very sorry for your loss. Be gentle with yourself and don't let anyone tell you how long you should grieve for. I find that grief makes people uncomfortable and they want you to be over it quick. I lost my father 7 years ago July. I found this from a man on reddit describes how it has felt:

As for grief, you’ll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you’re drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it’s some physical thing. Maybe it’s a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it’s a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.
In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don’t even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you’ll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what’s going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything…and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.
Somewhere down the line, and it’s different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O’Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you’ll come out.
Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don’t really want them to. But you learn that you’ll survive them. And other waves will come. And you’ll survive them too. If you’re lucky, you’ll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.

At 7 years out, the occasional wave still comes and sinks me.

And this quote as well resonates with me:

“The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not 'get over' the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same.
- Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler

My Fathers death changed me, and I grieved deeply for him. It wasn't unexpected, a year long battle with Leukemia.

My philosophy is this: It does not get better. It gets different. You learn to function differently without that missing piece. It takes a lot of time to come to terms with that and you are doing the best you can. functioning is fine. At this stage in the game you don't have to keep up or do anything other than put one foot in front of the other. People will try to put you on the timeline they feel you should be on. Screw them. You get to do this at your own pace. You will never be the same person. Death changes people in ways most of us don't ever see coming or realize until it's pointed out. Grief also comes in waves. They are monstrous at first and you feel like you will drown at any minute. Then they space out a bit and are smaller. And just when you think okay...I can surf these...a big one comes out of nowhere and hits you. Its okay. It's the process.

Big big hugs to you. Be gentle with yourself. Don't heal on someone else' timeline. Heal on your own. And drink your water Best advise I was ever given.

It will take time. So sorry for your loss. (((HUGS)))

I am so sorry. 💔

My mom passed very unexpectedly Feb 2005. I was 4 months pregnant with what would have been her first (only) grandchild(I’m an only child). 16 months later my dad passed after a short battle with cancer 💔 It takes a long long time to feel more “normal” but really it’s a new and unwelcome normal. The pain eventually fades. No that’s not right, it doesn’t fade it’s just as strong for me but instead of it being consistent it comes and goes when I least expect it. Just when I think I have a handle on the emotions a song will trigger a memory and the flood gates will open, or my Son will say/do something and I wish my mom was here to see it. I’m at a point where I can laugh and reminisce with family but it took time. Give yourself time.

Again I am so very sorry, I wish I could help ease your pain, just know that we are here for you.

ETA After reading responses I want to add I really wish I had went to counseling, but my son was born 3 months premature and I just threw myself into his medical needs. That got me through the first couple years.
After all this time I still feel pretty raw (they were only 53) and think therapy would have been so helpful.
I think that would be my biggest suggestion for helping you heal. Hugs to all that are hurting.

In 23 days it will be 3 years since my mom died. Losing her has been so hard, much harder than losing my dad. He had Alzheimer's so we had been slowly losing him for years. With my mom the loss was sudden and unexpected. There are still days I cry and tell myself to just breathe. In a sense it gets better eventually, meaning you learn to live with your loss and go on living, but I don't think the hurt ever fully goes away. Everyone grieves in their own way, there is no right or wrong way. It takes time, lots of time and is different for everyone. Be gentle with yourself, take extra good care of yourself and cry as much as you need to. God gave us tears to help wash the hurt away. Life will never be the same, but it will be good again. It will take time to find  your new normal. Hugs and prayers coming your way.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I was a mess for years after my Dad died when I was 17. I suggest counseling. I think it might have helped me through the roughest parts and gotten me to a better place sooner. It does get better, although you may have bad days even years later. Remember you are still alive and your mom wouldn’t want you not living your life happily.

Hugs