|
|
Post by workingclassdog on Nov 20, 2019 19:50:45 GMT
A couple of years ago one of my dear friends passed away. Her and I scrapped together a lot at retreats. I used to drive her because she didn't like to drive.. It worked out great. Anyways, at her memorial, her husband came up to me and asked me to help him with all her scrapping stuff. I KNOW she had a lot of stuff. But when I did go to her house.. She literally had more or less a store full. Meaning 100s of empty albums, paper from floor to ceiling at least three times over. Iris boxes stack floor to ceiling full of embellishments. You get the drift.
Anyways, we discussed different options and I told him to shoot me an email when he was ready to go. First time around I waited like six months and I shot him an email asking how he was doing and so forth and I didn't bring up her stuff. He responded and then he brought up her stuff up and said, let's wait till after the holidays and we can start on it. I was like great. Holidays come and go and more and more months. So I sent him another email to check on him and I did ask if he made a decision. Apparently he had some water leaks in the basement (none of her stuff got ruined) but he wanted to get that taken care of. Perfect.. no problem. AGAIN nothing from him.
Now I don't care about her stuff and getting anything for me personally.. I truly wanted to help him because I know how much work it will be to haul of it up there.. In fact, I was going to see if a boy scout troop could help out going up and down the stairs. We talked about if he just wanted to donate, have a garage sale, FB marketplace... So I came up with a plan thinking this would jump start the project. I emailed it to him and he said he liked the idea. Crickets since then. April 11th is the last I heard from him. Now I don't know if I should email him again? I don't want to feel like I am trying to get anything out of it but he is older and he can't be going up and down the stairs with all this stuff. I do really worry about him. Heck I am 51 and I am not about doing that either. I can do some, but not that much. Should I just let it go at this point or send another 'how are you doing' email?
I wish I had his daughter's contact information (she lives in Canada, we are in Colorado).. I would just ask her what she thought. It never dawned on me to get her information from her mom.
I could just let it go if I knew he wasn't in the right frame of mind to get rid of it, but he contacted me first and would respond back...uggg...
|
|
amom23
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,329 
|
Post by amom23 on Nov 20, 2019 20:14:37 GMT
I'd let it go. You've offered your help and the husband has your contact information. Let him contact you if he ever wants your help.
|
|
|
|
Post by sleepingbooty on Nov 20, 2019 20:30:07 GMT
We talked about if he just wanted to donate, have a garage sale, FB marketplace... So I came up with a plan thinking this would jump start the project. I emailed it to him and he said he liked the idea. Crickets since then. April 11th is the last I heard from him. Now I don't know if I should email him again? You've tried quite a few times and I appreciate your being worried about his health and the state of his home but he's clearly not in the mood to part with this stuff just yet. You can't keep pushing the matter. I'd shoot an email or send a card for the holidays and end that with a vague "If you ever need help with anything, please reach out" type of sentence, that's it. The ball's in his court. He's his own person. He has his own grief to deal with and decisions to make, including the scrap stuff. You can't mother him. I'm sorry your friend passed. I hope you have other people to go to retreats with nowadays. *hugs* |
|
|
|
Post by mom on Nov 20, 2019 20:52:37 GMT
I would just let it go. He obviously isn't in a hurry to get rid of her things, and that is his preogiative. I would continue to check on him and NOT mention the stuff. You don't want him to think you just care about the stuff. He knows you are willing to help, now its up to him to decide when.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
May 3, 2024 7:47:31 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 20, 2019 20:59:24 GMT
I am so sorry about your friend, and you are very nice to try and help. It seems like he is stuck. This is why I have made plans for my stuff, should I pass before my husband. He will just keep it all the way it was and I want my scrappy friends to get it all. I should put a RAK in my will!
I guess I would feel the time has come to be honest. If you feel comfortable asking if you can stop by, do so. Ask him straight out, do you just want to keep the stuff as is? Tell him you feel awkward checking in all the time but you want to help. As it has been a couple years, I guess I would feel like I could be more blunt.
|
|
|
|
Post by Skellinton on Nov 20, 2019 21:03:13 GMT
I agree with the wise ladies who posted above. You have reached out, he either had an excuse or hasn’t responded at all. He knows how to contact you. I would absolutely send a “thinking of you” card for the holidays just like sleepingbooty suggested. People deal with grief differently. That stuff may stay in the basement until he passes away or he may have just had someone come and take it all away. Who knows. You are very kind to worry about him, but I would let it go unless he contacts you with a concrete offer to do something. |
|
pilcas
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,913
|
Post by pilcas on Nov 20, 2019 21:26:07 GMT
I am so sorry about your friend, and you are very nice to try and help. It seems like he is stuck. This is why I have made plans for my stuff, should I pass before my husband. He will just keep it all the way it was and I want my scrappy friends to get it all. I should put a RAK in my will! I guess I would feel the time has come to be honest. If you feel comfortable asking if you can stop by, do so. Ask him straight out, do you just want to keep the stuff as is? Tell him you feel awkward checking in all the time but you want to help. As it has been a couple years, I guess I would feel like I could be more blunt. The thing is, he doesn’t owe the OP an explanation. If he had wanted to do something he would have reached out. It really isn’t the OP’s place to keep insisting. The offer has been made several times and not taken up. Does one have to force him to say no or push him to do something he is not interested in doing? I know the offer was made with the best of intentions and it was a very nice thing to offer. |
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
May 3, 2024 7:47:31 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 20, 2019 22:13:35 GMT
Does one have to force him to say no or push him to do something he is not interested in doing? I think it depends on how close she is with him. I know that (and I TOTALLY understand this is just me personally) I have a group of very close girlfriends. If my DH was still sitting on my stuff years after I passed, they would pretty much stage an intervention. I can just imagine them sitting around him, grilling him. All this of course, with love. But we are like family, they are like his sisters. So I guess it just depends. |
|
GiantsFan
Prolific Pea
Posts: 8,288
Site Supporter
Jun 27, 2014 14:44:56 GMT
|
Post by GiantsFan on Nov 20, 2019 22:18:33 GMT
I know you want to help but I agree that you should just let it go. People have different ways of and length of time for grieving. Maybe he likes to have her stuff around because it reminds him of her and the things she enjoyed. Or maybe he has already gotten rid of the stuff not remembering that you had offered to help him.
|
|
|
|
Post by workingclassdog on Nov 20, 2019 22:19:51 GMT
I am so sorry about your friend, and you are very nice to try and help. It seems like he is stuck. This is why I have made plans for my stuff, should I pass before my husband. He will just keep it all the way it was and I want my scrappy friends to get it all. I should put a RAK in my will! I guess I would feel the time has come to be honest. If you feel comfortable asking if you can stop by, do so. Ask him straight out, do you just want to keep the stuff as is? Tell him you feel awkward checking in all the time but you want to help. As it has been a couple years, I guess I would feel like I could be more blunt. The thing is, he doesn’t owe the OP an explanation. If he had wanted to do something he would have reached out. It really isn’t the OP’s place to keep insisting. The offer has been made several times and not taken up. Does one have to force him to say no or push him to do something he is not interested in doing? I know the offer was made with the best of intentions and it was a very nice thing to offer. Well I am not pushing him at all (in the past).. I sent him 'how are you doing email' and he brings it up.. then I respond back to him, then crickets.. It happened in all the emails.. He would say this and that and ask me questions then I give him a response and nothing. I think I will send one more holiday email to be sure he is doing okay. The last time I saw him was a great visit.. He was showing me lots of old pictures of his family in Colorado.. They have long deep roots in Colorado. I won't mention the stuff at all (like before)... Maybe that is all I need to do.. just see how he is adjusting without her. |
|
|
|
Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Nov 20, 2019 22:35:20 GMT
I'd let it go. You've offered your help and the husband has your contact information. Let him contact you if he ever wants your help. I agree. He'll let you know when his heart is ready to part with that bit of his passed wife's things. |
|
|
|
Post by deekaye on Nov 20, 2019 23:17:59 GMT
Let it go. If he was ready, he would have contacted you. He's not ready and may never be.
|
|
scrapnnana
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,130
|
Post by scrapnnana on Nov 21, 2019 1:58:59 GMT
I would just let it go. He obviously isn't in a hurry to get rid of her things, and that is his preogiative. I would continue to check on him and NOT mention the stuff. You don't want him to think you just care about the stuff. He knows you are willing to help, now its up to him to decide when.  |
|
gramma
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,896
Location: Sacramento, Ca
|
Post by gramma on Nov 21, 2019 2:19:29 GMT
Let it go. When my mom passed I told my step-dad to let me know when he wanted me to empty her sewing room. At one point a couple of years later he told me that sometimes he just went in there and sat. That it made him feel like she was just out shopping. I emptied it when he passed. 16 years after she did.
|
|
pinklady
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,514
|
Post by pinklady on Nov 21, 2019 3:25:55 GMT
Honestly, you need to let it go. You are way too interested in someone else’s scrapbook supplies.
|
|
|
|
Post by artisticscrapper on Nov 21, 2019 3:43:15 GMT
It’s nice of you to check on him and see how he’s doing. As far as the scrappy stuff goes I’d just forget about it. He knows you’re willing to help so he’ll call you if and when he’s ready to get rid of it.
|
|
|
|
Post by don on Nov 21, 2019 5:37:10 GMT
I'm in sort of the same position. The Queen can no longer drive, but I can't sell her car. I can only hope she will allow it someday.
Maybe in his grief he still thinks of her as being up there crafting away.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
May 3, 2024 7:47:31 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 21, 2019 8:13:10 GMT
Well I am not pushing him at all (in the past).. I sent him 'how are you doing email' and he brings it up.. then I respond back to him, then crickets.. It happened in all the emails.. He would say this and that and ask me questions then I give him a response and nothing. I think I will send one more holiday email to be sure he is doing okay. The last time I saw him was a great visit.. He was showing me lots of old pictures of his family in Colorado.. They have long deep roots in Colorado. I won't mention the stuff at all (like before)... Maybe that is all I need to do.. just see how he is adjusting without her. I am so sorry about your friend.
When I read your original post I thought that is probably what is going on. He brings it up, you try to help, he gets quiet. It goes on and on and on.  I did the same thing to my friends. I know they were probably frustrated and concerned. You are a really caring person and I can tell he likes & trusts you because he keeps up a correspondence with you. I think you are one of his safe places he can talk about her. I think he is just bringing up her scrapbook supplies so he doesn't seem like a bother.
Grief is the worst. You don't deal you just kind of walk around in a daze for years. You gravitate towards kind people. I kind of understand what he is going through because I did this too. I am sure a few of us over here have done this going through the hard grief process. Be his friend. Don't say a word about the items. Send him e-mails just letting him know you are there just for him to talk about anything, show photo's or just reminiscence.
He probably doesn't want those things. He probably can't deal with handling it all. He also probably thinks getting rid of her things is a betrayal or losing her all over again. He might not be ready for the rest of his life.
|
|
|
|
Post by mikklynn on Nov 21, 2019 13:31:52 GMT
I think it would be lovely if you continue to reach out to him in friendship. But, I would not bring up her craft supplies again. It sounds like he thinks he "should" get rid of them, but is not ready.
|
|
|
|
Post by workingclassdog on Nov 21, 2019 14:36:46 GMT
Honestly, you need to let it go. You are way too interested in someone else’s scrapbook supplies. No I not interested in her supplies. Period. She was a dear friend who I miss terribly. It was sudden when she passed away. She was my mom's age and I always felt close to her. She was in her late 70s. She still had her mom until a year before that! That is amazing to have your mom for most of your entire life. Her husband was our vet for awhile before he retired. Funny thing is I didn't know her until later. My heart is with him to help him if needed in anything not just her stuff. |
|
|
|
Post by workingclassdog on Nov 21, 2019 14:37:33 GMT
I'm in sort of the same position. The Queen can no longer drive, but I can't sell her car. I can only hope she will allow it someday. Maybe in his grief he still thinks of her as being up there crafting away. Thanks Don.. So sorry about your 'Queen'  |
|
|
|
Post by workingclassdog on Nov 21, 2019 14:39:13 GMT
I did send him an email last night just saying I was checking in with him and hoping the family was doing good. I wished him happy holidays and that was the end. No mention of anything else.
UPDATE: He responded to me this morning.. telling me he was doing fine. He said 'I still haven't done anything with Carole's stuff'.
Poor guy!!! I just said I will keep checking on you cause I can.. lol... for anything.. just let me know if there is anything else I can do for you. I said I am sure it is hard about her stuff, but you know when you will be ready.. no worries.
|
|
|
|
Post by tripletmom on Nov 22, 2019 4:38:45 GMT
I would absolutely contact him again. People grieve differently and he may not be ready and may not want to admit that to himself. It took me almost three years to commit to something after my daughter died. I couldn’t admit to myself for that long and I’m glad my close people brought the subject up periodically for that long.
|
|
|
|
Post by don on Nov 22, 2019 6:42:28 GMT
For any problem, the Peas I know go shopping. Shopping and ice cream solves all sorts of things.
|
|
|
|
Post by workingclassdog on Nov 22, 2019 14:25:21 GMT
I would absolutely contact him again. People grieve differently and he may not be ready and may not want to admit that to himself. It took me almost three years to commit to something after my daughter died. I couldn’t admit to myself for that long and I’m glad my close people brought the subject up periodically for that long. Oh I am so sorry about your daughter...Thanks for the suggestion.. makes me glad I did reach out again, just to check in with him.  |
|
I did the same thing to my friends. I know they were probably frustrated and concerned. You are a really caring person and I can tell he likes & trusts you because he keeps up a correspondence with you. I think you are one of his safe places he can talk about her. I think he is just bringing up her scrapbook supplies so he doesn't seem like a bother. 
