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Post by lesserknownpea on Nov 22, 2019 21:06:04 GMT
As most of you know, therapists urge us to have a place we go mentally when we need to de stress. I’ve had the same one for about 15 years. Or longer. It’s a very special beach on the Big Island where the road is bad enough to discourage most tourists. I’ve seen breaching whales, had a huge sea turtle waddle right up to where I was and sun herself next to me. Watched young surfers. Enjoyed kids and grandkids. And I’ve been there since XDH went to prison, and enjoyed the magical feeling of claiming it all for myself. It’s continued to be the place I go in my head when I’m having anxiety, getting a shot or blood draw, dental work, anything of the sort.
But I learned last week that my ex asked DD to take his ashes there. I was a little annoyed when i heard, but didn’t think more about it.
Until I just went to get my Shingrex vaccine, went to go to MY place, and it’s ruined! Even though his ashes aren’t there yet, that’s all my mind could think of, so the mental safe place didn’t work at all.
Ugh.
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Post by 950nancy on Nov 22, 2019 21:10:42 GMT
Can you pick somewhere on the beach where his ashes won't go? Maybe a favorite rocky area? Picture him in the ocean. The tide carried him out.
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Post by lesserknownpea on Nov 22, 2019 21:22:07 GMT
Can you pick somewhere on the beach where his ashes won't go? Maybe a favorite rocky area? Picture him in the ocean. The tide carried him out. Yeah, I might have to do more mental work. Picture him carried out to sea. But the goal is for him not to be there. I’ll talk it over with my therapist, who I don’t see until next week, ( I had an appt for today, but had to cancel because a much harder to get appointment with a super specialist cardiologist became available), I’msure she’ll have some ideas. But when you’ve used the same place for so long ( really I think it’s more like 20 years), it’s hard to think I have to start over or deal with his “presence”. |
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Post by Bridget in MD on Nov 22, 2019 21:23:39 GMT
I wish she hadn't told you! but think of it this way - his ashes may be there but with the wind and sea, not for long!
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Post by pierkiss on Nov 22, 2019 21:45:35 GMT
I would forget that info as fast as possible. Seriously. Do not let that man take up any more space in your head. Once he’s been sprinkled, that’s it, he’s out to sea. The end. Gone. None of him will remain on that beach.
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Post by lucyg on Nov 22, 2019 21:50:03 GMT
I agree with everyone else. He’s on his way to Fiji or something by now. I know, easier said than done.
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Nov 22, 2019 21:57:16 GMT
Maybe you can visualize an empowerment type scenario. He will always be "in" your life, but the more time that goes by, the more you control "how" he is there.
So maybe you know his ashes have been sprinkled there and you use that knowledge to ensure yourself that he can't hurt you anymore. He's nothing but dust and you are still here... vibrant, and happy, and living. In a weird way, you could almost take some comfort in the fact that you repeat that message to yourself every time and REJOICE that he has no further power over you.
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Post by Sanibel on Nov 22, 2019 22:01:47 GMT
Maybe you can visualize an empowerment type scenario. He will always be "in" your life, but the more time that goes by, the more you control "how" he is there. So maybe you know his ashes have been sprinkled there and you use that knowledge to ensure yourself that he can't hurt you anymore. He's nothing but dust and you are still here... vibrant, and happy, and living. In a weird way, you could almost take some comfort in the fact that you repeat that message to yourself every time and REJOICE that he has no further power over you. I agree with everything said here! And take heart knowing you are the one really there. You are standing on the beach, breathing in the scents, taking in the sights and can touch the water and sand. He isn’t truly there. YOU are! ❤️ |
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Post by revirdsuba99 on Nov 22, 2019 22:20:35 GMT
I would forget that info as fast as possible. Seriously. Do not let that man take up any more space in your head. Once he’s been sprinkled, that’s it, he’s out to sea. The end. Gone. None of him will remain on that beach. Rejoice that he is gone forever. It does not matter where you go he will never ever be able to hurt you again. You are totally free! |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 22, 2019 22:28:31 GMT
Frustrating that he choose that place, but if his wishes were to simply "take him there", then your DD can take him there and then quickly take him some place else.  Seriously though, it's just ashes. His soul is far, far away and likely trapped in some place where the sun will never shine. |
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tanya2
Pearl Clutcher
Refupea #1604
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Post by tanya2 on Nov 22, 2019 22:41:52 GMT
is there a public washroom on this stretch of beach at all? or close by? his ashes might "accidentally" get flushed out to sea instead!
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Post by stampnscrap1128 on Nov 22, 2019 23:11:39 GMT
I'd be tempted to find out where the ashes are and then go take a good, long pee on them.  |
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Post by freecharlie on Nov 22, 2019 23:16:45 GMT
High tide = ashes gone. Think of him going out to sea and then being carried into nothingness in the ocean
I'm sorry he picked that place and ruined your safe place for now
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Post by cannmom on Nov 22, 2019 23:33:23 GMT
Don’t give him that power over you. Get mad about it if that’s what it takes. Take back your place. Only you can control how you think and your narrative.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 23, 2019 0:35:04 GMT
I wish she hadn't told you! but think of it this way - his ashes may be there but with the wind and sea, not for long! I agree with others not to let this have power over you or to take it back, but I can't agree with this. I don't know the background but I sense it is filled with a lot of drama and maybe even abuse? To continue to go and use it as a safe space without the knowledge that his ashes were there would be a big betrayal. It would be like someone letting you consume something tainted when they had full knowledge |
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Post by scrapqueen01 on Nov 23, 2019 0:40:51 GMT
Imagine a bird flying over the moment his ashes are spread and the bird poops on them.
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Post by lesserknownpea on Nov 23, 2019 0:48:54 GMT
You all are terrific! Some have made me laugh. Some great ideas to help make my place still my place. Thank you!
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Post by refugeepea on Nov 23, 2019 0:51:04 GMT
All these nice thoughts and all I could think was you will be walking all over his sorry ass.  |
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Post by kernriver on Nov 23, 2019 0:53:24 GMT
I didn’t know you lived in Hawaii.
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Post by hop2 on Nov 23, 2019 0:53:46 GMT
Don’t give him that power over you. Get mad about it if that’s what it takes. Take back your place. Only you can control how you think and your narrative. Actually, that might be more healing than you think. Take it back, take it all back . |
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Post by lesserknownpea on Nov 23, 2019 0:57:21 GMT
Frustrating that he choose that place, but if his wishes were to simply "take him there", then your DD can take him there and then quickly take him some place else. Seriously though, it's just ashes. His soul is far, far away and likely trapped in some place where the sun will never shine. My DD has watched the video of “somewhere over the rainbow” where they took the Hawaiian singer’s ashes out to sea, with the mourners all making a circle ( many of them on surfboards) , over and over. Long before this thing with her dad came up, she just liked the singer a lot. So when her sister told that their dad wanted to be spread in the ocean there, I know exactly what she wants to do. And it will mean a lot to her. And I’m the one who’s drilled it into my kids that you carry out the deceased person’s wishes all their life ( long story). So I don’t begrudge them their ceremony. Whatever helps them. I’m just perturbed that he’s found yet another way to disturb my peace. But there are a lot of good ideas here about how to surmount my negative feelings. Worse comes to worst, I’ll pick another beach. |
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Post by lesserknownpea on Nov 23, 2019 1:01:47 GMT
Maybe you can visualize an empowerment type scenario. He will always be "in" your life, but the more time that goes by, the more you control "how" he is there. So maybe you know his ashes have been sprinkled there and you use that knowledge to ensure yourself that he can't hurt you anymore. He's nothing but dust and you are still here... vibrant, and happy, and living. In a weird way, you could almost take some comfort in the fact that you repeat that message to yourself every time and REJOICE that he has no further power over you. This is very helpful. |
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Post by pierkiss on Nov 23, 2019 1:06:02 GMT
Frustrating that he choose that place, but if his wishes were to simply "take him there", then your DD can take him there and then quickly take him some place else. Seriously though, it's just ashes. His soul is far, far away and likely trapped in some place where the sun will never shine. My DD has watched the video of “somewhere over the rainbow” where they took the Hawaiian singer’s ashes out to sea, with the mourners all making a circle ( many of them on surfboards) , over and over. Long before this thing with her dad came up, she just liked the singer a lot. So when her sister told that their dad wanted to be spread in the ocean there, I know exactly what she wants to do. And it will mean a lot to her. And I’m the one who’s drilled it into my kids that you carry out the deceased person’s wishes all their life ( long story). So I don’t begrudge them their ceremony. Whatever helps them. I’m just perturbed that he’s found yet another way to disturb my peace. But there are a lot of good ideas here about how to surmount my negative feelings. Worse comes to worst, I’ll pick another beach. I am just going to put this out there. There might be actual laws about whether or not someone’s ashes can be sprinkled in the ocean. |
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Post by lesserknownpea on Nov 23, 2019 1:06:38 GMT
I didn’t know you lived in Hawaii. I don’t. We have family and friends there, and used to go every year. I’ve been 5 times since he’s been incarcerated, staying with a sister in law. Total 20 times. Things have changed somewhat ( family politics) so it’s looking like I might not be visiting there for awhile anyway. But that’s ben my mental place for so long I hate to lose it. It really is perfect. |
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Post by lesserknownpea on Nov 23, 2019 1:07:13 GMT
My DD has watched the video of “somewhere over the rainbow” where they took the Hawaiian singer’s ashes out to sea, with the mourners all making a circle ( many of them on surfboards) , over and over. Long before this thing with her dad came up, she just liked the singer a lot. So when her sister told that their dad wanted to be spread in the ocean there, I know exactly what she wants to do. And it will mean a lot to her. And I’m the one who’s drilled it into my kids that you carry out the deceased person’s wishes all their life ( long story). So I don’t begrudge them their ceremony. Whatever helps them. I’m just perturbed that he’s found yet another way to disturb my peace. But there are a lot of good ideas here about how to surmount my negative feelings. Worse comes to worst, I’ll pick another beach. I am just going to put this out there. There might be actual laws about whether or not someone’s ashes can be sprinkled in the ocean. Oh I know. I’m sure they won’t care about that. |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 23, 2019 1:09:26 GMT
Frustrating that he choose that place, but if his wishes were to simply "take him there", then your DD can take him there and then quickly take him some place else. Seriously though, it's just ashes. His soul is far, far away and likely trapped in some place where the sun will never shine. My DD has watched the video of “somewhere over the rainbow” where they took the Hawaiian singer’s ashes out to sea, with the mourners all making a circle ( many of them on surfboards) , over and over. Long before this thing with her dad came up, she just liked the singer a lot. So when her sister told that their dad wanted to be spread in the ocean there, I know exactly what she wants to do. And it will mean a lot to her. And I’m the one who’s drilled it into my kids that you carry out the deceased person’s wishes all their life ( long story). So I don’t begrudge them their ceremony. Whatever helps them. I’m just perturbed that he’s found yet another way to disturb my peace. But there are a lot of good ideas here about how to surmount my negative feelings. Worse comes to worst, I’ll pick another beach.
That must have been Iz's funeral. So does it have to be done at that particular part of the ocean or did he just want that "type" of funeral? The ocean is a very big place.
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Post by lesserknownpea on Nov 23, 2019 1:14:41 GMT
My DD has watched the video of “somewhere over the rainbow” where they took the Hawaiian singer’s ashes out to sea, with the mourners all making a circle ( many of them on surfboards) , over and over. Long before this thing with her dad came up, she just liked the singer a lot. So when her sister told that their dad wanted to be spread in the ocean there, I know exactly what she wants to do. And it will mean a lot to her. And I’m the one who’s drilled it into my kids that you carry out the deceased person’s wishes all their life ( long story). So I don’t begrudge them their ceremony. Whatever helps them. I’m just perturbed that he’s found yet another way to disturb my peace. But there are a lot of good ideas here about how to surmount my negative feelings. Worse comes to worst, I’ll pick another beach.
That must have been Iz's funeral. So does it have to be done at that particular part of the ocean or did he just want that "type" of funeral? The ocean is a very big place.
I don’t think my ex ever saw that video. ( although he also loved Iz’s song). He just told other DD he wants to be sprinkled/spread whatever in that little bit of ocean there. Because I’m sure he had lots of great memories. Before this, if I were asked, I too would have asked for this place. He definitely ruined that! So the style of send off would be DD’s. The place is his choosing. |
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Post by kernriver on Nov 23, 2019 1:18:26 GMT
I didn’t know you lived in Hawaii. I don’t. We have family and friends there, and used to go every year. I’ve been 5 times since he’s been incarcerated, staying with a sister in law. Total 20 times. Things have changed somewhat ( family politics) so it’s looking like I might not be visiting there for awhile anyway. But that’s ben my mental place for so long I hate to lose it. It really is perfect. Aw, honey. With your problems you need a closer safe place. Why not make this a project to find one. Mine is in my bed. I feel best when I just curl up and close my eyes. I’ve had my husband try and figure out what’s wrong and I just have to say “I just need to be here for a while”. And he leaves me alone. also, are you the gal we sent all the neckties to? It seems like a long time ago now but I can’t exactly remember your history. |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 23, 2019 1:31:08 GMT
So it says that Iz's ashes were spread at Makua Beach, but "(U)nlike many Oahu beaches, Makua Beach is not protected by an offshore reef, so the waves can get really high and the currents strong on rough days. The ocean bottom drops off quickly here, so swimmers should stay close to the shore. Fishing and bodyboarding are popular activities on calmer days. There are no lifeguards or facilities here". Perhaps your DD will find a safer beach to do this and your place can still remain just yours? www.to-hawaii.com/oahu/beaches/makuabeach.php |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 23, 2019 2:28:07 GMT
Acquire yourself some sage and learn about (if you don’t already know) burning sage to cleanse a space. Hire it done if you need to.
Reclaim your power!
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Seriously though, it's just ashes. His soul is far, far away and likely trapped in some place where the sun will never shine.
