NoWomanNoCry
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,856
Jun 25, 2014 21:53:42 GMT
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Post by NoWomanNoCry on Dec 18, 2019 22:14:09 GMT
Forgiveness is a lovely thing and it sweetens the spirit of the person offering it. It IS the Christmas season and that is what this is all about. Do it. Even if you are rejected, there will be that warm feeling of joy inside yourself that you made the effort and were the bigger person. Forgiveness is not the same as inviting abusive behavior back into one's life. You said this a lot nicer than I was thinking. This subject hits home with me and I get annoyed when others try to guilt me into mending fences with someone who was abusive to me. My vote is don’t open the can of worms OP... if you’re happy with how things have been let things be a keep living your happy life.
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smcast
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,475
Location: MN
Mar 18, 2016 14:06:38 GMT
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Post by smcast on Dec 18, 2019 22:17:41 GMT
Personally, if she really cared, she'd be in contact. You don't owe her updates. Like others have said, it is not your responsibility to play peacemaker. If you want, go ahead but it might not pan out how you would like. I'm not exactly sure how I would respond, TBH. I could go either way but if my attempt was unsuccessful, I'd be done for sure.
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Post by grammadee on Dec 18, 2019 22:20:47 GMT
As you say, no real extra effort to pop a couple of cards into the mail. Include the newsletter and a quick note about your mom.
The thing to remember is that once you have sent these envelopes, you are not responsible for the recipients' behavior. If they refuse to accept and they come back to you, that is their decision. If they accept the cards and don't respond, or even if they simply toss them in the trash, again, not your call. You have made an attempt at contact.
If you can do this without being hurt by their response--or lack of it--go for it!
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Post by katiekaty on Dec 19, 2019 1:02:13 GMT
Send the card, if you want to include a short note, do it. If she contacts you, try it out. Its been five years, things may have changed. You may have a good relationship now and if it lasts a few years, it could be a good thing for you mom-she doesn't have many left and you relationship may long enough to make your mom happy. If it falls apart after that, then who cares, kick her out of your life again!
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julie5
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,611
Jul 11, 2018 15:20:45 GMT
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Post by julie5 on Dec 19, 2019 1:42:40 GMT
Send nothing. I haven’t spoken to my mom and sister in 3 years. I “broke up” with them for a reason. They’re manipulative and abusive and I have no need for that and no sympathy over the lost relationship. You’ve been away from your sister so long, you’ve probably lost sight over why the relationship ended.
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Post by pjaye on Dec 19, 2019 2:16:01 GMT
I say 'do what you can live with"
If you feel some responsibility about your sisters not seeing your mother - then I would send a card to both of them and an honest note, along the lines of..."I know we've had out differences but our mother is getting older and I don't think our issues should get in the way of your relationship with her" Tell them she hasn't been well had a fall and that you think she'd really like to see both of them. If they don't take the opportunity, at least you will always know you tried. You can agree to be civil to each other for the sake of your aging mother without pretending to be great friends again.
If you honestly think the current situation is the best for you, and possibly your mother, then don't send anything. Don't grovel to your sister for a relationship if that's not what you want because if/when it all goes wrong again, then you'll regret that.
Think long and hard about when your mother is gone - which scenario will give you the most peace/comfort over the years to follow? What are you least likely to regret doing?...and chose that option. If you are always going to think "I wish I'd tried harder" then try.
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Post by myboysnme on Dec 19, 2019 3:03:00 GMT
Thank you for all the thoughtful responses. My mother continues to send her cards, and gifts to her children and a small token gift to my sister at Christmas. My half sister is from my dad and he is deceased. The children, who are adults now, generally do not respond except my niece has on occasion sent my mom an email of thanks.
I have one brother who speaks to our sister and he has his own problems, and his daughter has contact I think. The brother that looks in on my mom also broke off contact with our sister after she was raging at my mom on the phone, he took the phone from my mom and heard her and told her he was done with her after her cruel tirade. I have 2 cousins who are in more regular contact with her and I will see them at New Years. I'm thinking I can ask them to tell her about our mom's health since they will see my mom too. I am not going to send anything at this point. I have been not exactly comforted but understood is maybe a better word from so many of you who have these toxic family members and I see myself in all of you. I get to thinking that everyone has these great close families but me.
I can't imagine having any contact with my sister, either one really, but if it is something I can do to help my mom connect I will. But you are right, it is my mom's role to reach out and she continues to do so even with no response. I imagine my sister thinks my mom and I are the psychos. I guess that me finally losing it and telling her to never contact me is pretty psycho. She did contact me a few times by sending me old emails I had sent to her many years ago and making nasty comments. I blocked her from email contact at that point. I think I posted about that here when that happened.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Dec 19, 2019 14:47:54 GMT
Forgiveness is not the same as inviting abusive behavior back into one's life. You said this a lot nicer than I was thinking. This subject hits home with me and I get annoyed when others try to guilt me into mending fences with someone who was abusive to me. My vote is don’t open the can of worms OP... if you’re happy with how things have been let things be a keep living your happy life. Exactly. Maybe someday I will be able to forgive my one sibling for the absolutely horrible things that were said to me, but I’m not ever going to forget it or how it made me feel. The other one is a slimy dirtbag and tigers don’t easily change their stripes. There is no way I’m letting that back in now that it’s finally been shoved out of my life. Now that our mom is gone I have absolutely NO reason to ever be in contact with those two siblings again. Some doors need to stay closed and some fences don’t need mending.
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Post by bc2ca on Dec 19, 2019 16:10:49 GMT
Forgiveness is a lovely thing and it sweetens the spirit of the person offering it. It IS the Christmas season and that is what this is all about. Do it. Even if you are rejected, there will be that warm feeling of joy inside yourself that you made the effort and were the bigger person. Forgiveness is not the same as inviting abusive behavior back into one's life. A timely quote appeared in a feed this morning: "Forgiveness doe not require reconnection."
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msladibug
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,533
Jul 10, 2014 2:31:46 GMT
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Post by msladibug on Dec 19, 2019 18:22:49 GMT
OMG! Sometimes I think this board is spying on my thoughts. I just had this conversation with my therapist. I have mixed feelings about sending card to my sister that I cut off about 5/6 years ago. I see her whenever I go to family functions. I do speak but I don’t invite her into my personal life. She’s a shit stirrer, I don’t need the stress.
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