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Post by myboysnme on Dec 18, 2019 13:52:03 GMT
My sister and I have not spoken in more than 5 years. I got so sick of her cruelty toward me I told her to never contact me again in life. As a result of our falling out she also stopped speaking to our mother. She lives just about an hour away from her but her daughter has visited my mom only once and her son not at all. Obviously this is a big gap in my mom's life but she seems accepting of it as much as one can be.
I admit I have been very happy to have no contact with my sister. She also got together with a half sister I had been marginally close with but she never really knew, and now half sister doesn't speak to me either. Again, no big loss except it means I have no opportunity for contact if I wanted it.
My mom will 85 in a few weeks. She recently fell and her face is all black and blue. She lives alone now but my brother goes over in daily. I got to thinking that maybe it is time for me to try to mend fences, however my sister is one where I would have to grovel, beg and endure her rejecting my efforts.
So my thought was to send a Christmas card. In fact I could possibly send one to both sisters who don't speak to me. It would take no effort really and the worst that could happen is I get it back return to sender. Is there any reason to make this step? Is it too little to matter? I can't do more than that at this point.
Thoughts?
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Post by kkooch on Dec 18, 2019 13:54:46 GMT
I'd send a card. You have nothing to lose. If anything I would put a note in it saying how your mom misses hearing from her. Keep it simple.
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lisaknits
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,483 
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Post by lisaknits on Dec 18, 2019 14:04:29 GMT
I'd send a card with a short handwritten note about your mom's recent fall. As you said, it's really no effort to send a card and it might possibly mend fences in the family which is more and more important to your mom as she ages (I'm guessing). I think Christmas is a perfect time to reach out.
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momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,153
Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Dec 18, 2019 14:09:04 GMT
I'd send a card. You have nothing to lose. If anything I would put a note in it saying how your mom misses hearing from her. Keep it simple. I'd just send the card, no note. Sadly even saying your mom misses hearing from her can be taken as a dig. I have those "victim" family members who take everything as an attack. My sister and I don't speak. One year I didn't do Christmas cards at all and she ran right to my mother to inform her I didn't send her one that year:rolleyes: She walks right by me and doesn't speak, but ridiculously we exchange xmas cards. My reason for continuing to send them is this...I have nephews who are middle/high school age. The only family they have that their parents speak to are my parents. My kids have limited relationships with them. No one on their father's side speak to their family. So I continue the cards to keep any limited relationship with the nephews open. |
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ddly
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,019
Jul 10, 2014 19:36:28 GMT
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Post by ddly on Dec 18, 2019 14:14:44 GMT
I'd send a card. You have nothing to lose. If anything I would put a note in it saying how your mom misses hearing from her. Keep it simple. I agree with this. It's unfortunate that she has chosen to not speak with your mother anymore. |
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Post by quinlove on Dec 18, 2019 14:21:17 GMT
My quick answer is to send a card. My deeper answer is ~ what do you really want to do ? Do that.
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smartypants71
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,816
Location: Houston, TX
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Post by smartypants71 on Dec 18, 2019 14:23:12 GMT
If you have been happy with no contact, why open that can of worms now? I wouldn't send anything.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 6, 2024 17:31:00 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 18, 2019 14:35:20 GMT
If my sibling sent me a card, I would only open it to see if he sent me a check for my share of parent’s estate that he has stolen from me.
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Post by mikklynn on Dec 18, 2019 14:35:24 GMT
Your sister abused you. Her behavior towards you won't change. Don't start it up again.
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Post by workingclassdog on Dec 18, 2019 14:36:38 GMT
I wouldn't send anything. I am going through something similar with my dad. It's taken me YEARS to accept that it is okay that I can let him go without guilt (I do still feel guilty) but I deal with it everyday. I have been much happier just to let it all go and not worry about his selfish ways. Everyone else has accepted it. I was the only family member other than his brother speaking to him. My sister was smarter than me and she broke ties 30 years ago. I have dealt with him for all these years.
This year is the year I said no more. I am done being the one making the phone calls and reaching out. So keeping my problems short here.. If I were you... I would skip the card. BUT that is me based on my own struggles.
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Anita
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,702
Location: Kansas City -ish
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Post by Anita on Dec 18, 2019 14:43:21 GMT
Honestly, I wouldn't send a thing. Sounds like you are better off without them in your life. Why invite drama back in?
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Post by crazy4scraps on Dec 18, 2019 15:17:24 GMT
I’m in the don’t send anything camp. I have a sibling (two actually) that I had a major falling out with that I don’t want to have anything to do with anymore. The one I never ever hear from at all which is totally fine by me and the other one keeps trying to stick a foot in the door by sending us Christmas cards or a happy birthday text on my birthday. Both of them are all kinds of crazy and I don’t need the drama either one would bring back into my life so I do my best to keep my distance. My DH is Facebook friends with the second one’s spouse and even that allows them to have more of a peek into my family’s business than I like.
While it’s sad that your sister isn’t in contact with your mom anymore, what is stopping your mom from sending your sister a card herself saying she misses her? Mom could also send cards to her grandkids individually if they no longer live at home.
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scrapngranny
Pearl Clutcher
Only slightly senile
Posts: 4,826
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Post by scrapngranny on Dec 18, 2019 16:01:22 GMT
For a minute stop and think, which way are you hoping the Peas will answer, go with that feeling.
If you do send card and can open the door to repairing the relationship, be prepared that the things that bothered you before are still there. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t reconnect. To do successfully you have to adjust your mindset. You can’t change them, but you can change your reaction to their behavior. If your sister says something painful to you, you have the choice to let it roll off you and not take in.
If you don’t truly want a relationship with these sisters, let it go.
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Post by bc2ca on Dec 18, 2019 16:02:39 GMT
I got to thinking that maybe it is time for me to try to mend fences, however my sister is one where I would have to grovel, beg and endure her rejecting my efforts. Been there, done that. The cycle repeated and I realized I didn't need the drama in my life and stopped trying to mend fences. The sad thing for me is that I started seeing DH about the same time as this sister started the drama cycle, so he just thinks she is mean & crazy. Don't try to do this for your mom. Your mom and/or your sister can reach out to each other. You didn't mention if your brother has a relationship with this sister? Does he? |
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Post by snowsilver on Dec 18, 2019 16:08:09 GMT
Forgiveness is a lovely thing and it sweetens the spirit of the person offering it. It IS the Christmas season and that is what this is all about. Do it. Even if you are rejected, there will be that warm feeling of joy inside yourself that you made the effort and were the bigger person.
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pilcas
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,147
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Post by pilcas on Dec 18, 2019 16:42:09 GMT
No, don’t do it. She will just behave the same as always. If you are happy without her in your life do nothing.
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kelly8875
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,407
Location: Lost in my supplies...
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Post by kelly8875 on Dec 18, 2019 16:46:15 GMT
If you have been happy with no contact, why open that can of worms now? I wouldn't send anything. I agree with this. And yes, there is a whole side of my family that doesn’t talk to each other, so I fully understand what it’s like. |
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Post by workingclassdog on Dec 18, 2019 16:47:54 GMT
Forgiveness is a lovely thing and it sweetens the spirit of the person offering it. It IS the Christmas season and that is what this is all about. Do it. Even if you are rejected, there will be that warm feeling of joy inside yourself that you made the effort and were the bigger person. I did that for years and ended up in the same cycle over and over again year after year. Being the bigger person sometimes meaning letting it go. There is no warm joy bringing back a toxic person who won't change. I totally understand where you are coming from though. |
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 6, 2024 17:31:00 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 18, 2019 17:45:15 GMT
My sister and I have not spoken in more than 5 years. I got so sick of her cruelty toward me I told her to never contact me again in life. As a result of our falling out she also stopped speaking to our mother. She lives just about an hour away from her but her daughter has visited my mom only once and her son not at all. Obviously this is a big gap in my mom's life but she seems accepting of it as much as one can be. I admit I have been very happy to have no contact with my sister. She also got together with a half sister I had been marginally close with but she never really knew, and now half sister doesn't speak to me either. Again, no big loss except it means I have no opportunity for contact if I wanted it. My mom will 85 in a few weeks. She recently fell and her face is all black and blue. She lives alone now but my brother goes over in daily. I got to thinking that maybe it is time for me to try to mend fences, however my sister is one where I would have to grovel, beg and endure her rejecting my efforts. So my thought was to send a Christmas card. In fact I could possibly send one to both sisters who don't speak to me. It would take no effort really and the worst that could happen is I get it back return to sender. Is there any reason to make this step? Is it too little to matter? I can't do more than that at this point. Thoughts? Do you WANT them back in your life long term. If yes, send the cards. If no, don't open the door by sending a card. |
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Post by nlwilkins on Dec 18, 2019 17:48:54 GMT
You can forgive without having to endure all the hurt again. I say let sleeping dogs lie, not saying your sisters are dogs just using the analogy. If you can find peace without bringing them back into your life, then go with peace and leave them alone. Your mother is responsible for her relationship with your sisters, not you.
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Post by busy on Dec 18, 2019 17:49:16 GMT
Forgiveness is a lovely thing and it sweetens the spirit of the person offering it. It IS the Christmas season and that is what this is all about. Do it. Even if you are rejected, there will be that warm feeling of joy inside yourself that you made the effort and were the bigger person. Forgiveness is not the same as inviting abusive behavior back into one's life. |
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Post by pelirroja on Dec 18, 2019 17:49:43 GMT
When in doubt, do nothing. Is there anything positive to be gained by repairing this situation? If no, I'd let it go.
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cycworker
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,387
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Post by cycworker on Dec 18, 2019 17:58:21 GMT
I think you should. If you choose not to, someone needs to let her know about mom's fall.
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Post by Lexica on Dec 18, 2019 19:14:30 GMT
I have no contact with either of my sisters due to their conduct when Mom died. Well, that and years of being toxic people. I wouldn’t send them anything and am quite happy to continue living peacefully without them in my life. Obviously, I vote for not sending them anything, but that is a decision you will need to make for yourself.
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Post by ladytrisha on Dec 18, 2019 20:29:57 GMT
I have reached out as you did many times and each time there was a brief reconciliation but then the bomb would explode again.
Finally I told my Mom that I was sorry, but for my own mental health (and physical) I couldn't keep going back in for more.
Funny enough, but doing that and me actually walking away and refusing to engage got my sister to take notice.
We have reconnected somewhat this last year, but it will never be what it was - I'm fine with it and I have no expectations of anything beyond what it is. I think me reaching that point of walking away scared my sister somewhat.
So as quinlove said first, what do YOU really want and go with that.
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Post by Lindarina on Dec 18, 2019 21:05:57 GMT
You are not responsible for the relationship between your mother and your sister. That is on them. If you want to send your sister a card for your own sake, do it. But please, don’t make contact with someone who has been cruel to you just to mend someone else’s relationship.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 6, 2024 17:31:01 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 18, 2019 21:06:38 GMT
There is no warm joy bringing back a toxic person who won't change. I completely agree with you. I tried more than once to mend fences with my brother and all it got me was the chance to be his verbal punchbag again. I'm now at a point where my life is peaceful and I have no intention of ever inviting him back into it. Some people won't change no matter how much we want them to. If you're at a place where your life is better without your sister than it is with her then I think deep down you know what to do. |
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Post by AussieMeg on Dec 18, 2019 21:13:33 GMT
I originally ticked "Don't do anything" but I'm thinking that it wouldn't hurt to send a short note (not even a card) to let her know of your mum's fall and that your mum would like to hear from her.
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Post by Scrapper100 on Dec 18, 2019 21:28:46 GMT
I would send a card with a update about your mother and go from there. At this point it’s about your mom.
ETA: I say this because it doesn’t sound like your sister will be in your life but maybe will be in your mom’s unless she is also toxic to you mom in that case don’t send anything. Does your brother have contact if so maybe he has already mentioned the fall?
Toxic family members are so hard and the hurt never goes away. So no matter what hugs to you.
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Post by librarylady on Dec 18, 2019 22:09:41 GMT
My sister (known for mood swings and temper) quit speaking to all of her siblings several years ago.
She remained silent for 7 years.
During that time, I sent her a Christmas card each year. Don't think I did bdays.
Then she began to speak again as if nothing ever happened.
She has been back on terms with us about 4 years now.
I'd send a card and in the card wish her a happy year and ask if she knew Mom had fallen.
Don't expect any response but do your part to be family.
I would not grovel. Just be what a sister could/should be. If she is cruel, don't engage and keep contact at an annual card.
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