pancakes
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,002 
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Post by pancakes on Feb 1, 2020 7:30:10 GMT
I’ve been with my husband for more than 12 years now (married for 3.5). For whatever reason, my mom told me at the end of 2019, after so many freaking years, that she and my dad thought it was disrespectful (it’s a cultural thing — I’m 1st gen American) for my husband to refer to them by their first names. For awhile, he called them Mr. or Mrs. last name. But obviously that’s odd at this point.
If you were my parents, what else could you be called? Pretend the obvious Mom and Dad are also off the table.
Other considering factors:
- They are about in their 60s.
- We are in our early 30s.
- We are about to have our first kid, so someone suggested my husband call them whatever their grandchild will call them. It will def work if we are referring to them, but I think it might be odd to address them as grandma/grandpa (or whatever they decide to be called) if we weren’t in the context of our kid. Like I can’t imagine saying “Hey grandma, what do you want for lunch? 😂” Or other adult to adult casual conversation.
Update to add: My parents need some help with suggestions — I’ve already asked what they wanted to be called. So that’s why I’m looking for some potential options among the Peas 🙂
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Post by gar on Feb 1, 2020 7:45:16 GMT
I really don't know! I was about to say Mum and Dad until you said that wasn't acceptable either. Have you asked them what they would like to be called?
I call/ed my in-laws either their christian names or Nanny/Grandad depending on the conversation. I am called by my christian name or Nanna.
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Post by gillyp on Feb 1, 2020 8:17:47 GMT
Years ago a friend surprised me by calling her in laws, to their faces, Mil and Fil and that was their designated names. My sister in law called my mom Mom, my daughter in law calls me by my first name. I referred to my father in law as grandad so there’s a whole hotch potch of names in my circle.
What would they like to be called?
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pancakes
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,002
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Post by pancakes on Feb 1, 2020 8:19:41 GMT
Years ago a friend surprised me by calling her in laws, to their faces, Mil and Fil and that was their designated names. My sister in law called my mom Mom, my daughter in law calls me by my first name. I referred to my father in law as grandad so there’s a whole hotch potch of names in my circle. What would they like to be called? Like pronounced “mill” and “fill”? |
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Post by gillyp on Feb 1, 2020 8:30:35 GMT
Years ago a friend surprised me by calling her in laws, to their faces, Mil and Fil and that was their designated names. My sister in law called my mom Mom, my daughter in law calls me by my first name. I referred to my father in law as grandad so there’s a whole hotch potch of names in my circle. What would they like to be called? Like pronounced “mill” and “fill”? Yes. After I’d gotten used to hearing it, it sounded quite sweet. |
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Post by AussieMeg on Feb 1, 2020 8:40:56 GMT
It's probably about 12 years too late for them to decide calling them by their first name is disrespectful. I'm at a complete loss as to what your poor husband can call them, if he's not allowed to call them by their first names, Mr and Mrs is odd, and Mom and Dad are off the table. It really doesn't leave much, does it? If I was your husband I'd be rather offended - cultural differences or not - and I'd probably avoid calling them anything. Like pronounced “mill” and “fill”? Yes. After I’d gotten used to hearing it, it sounded quite sweet. My sister-in-law and I call each other Sil.  |
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Post by Jockscrap on Feb 1, 2020 8:43:35 GMT
My dad managed to go around 50 years of not calling my grandparents anything! When he first starting dating my mum, they would have stood on ceremony and insisted on Mr and Mrs but after they married I think they wanted him to call them Mum and Dad which he absolutely would not do (I wouldn’t have been comfortable with that either - I have my own parents and they are the only ones I’ll ever call mum and dad).
It’s amazing how well you can avoid saying someone’s name if you want to. He would occasionally say: ‘Ask your mother if she’d like more tea’ or whatever, but mostly he could get away with just speaking directly to them. I was in my teens before I noticed that he never used their names.
I know lots of folk who always refer to their in-laws by their grandparent names, even when the kids aren’t around or are grown up. It doesn’t really sound weird to me as it’s so commonly done and comes across as affectionate. I always called my parents-in-law by their first names from the time we first started dating.
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Post by Basket1lady on Feb 1, 2020 10:18:25 GMT
What name does your mother think your husband should use? I’d just outright ask her. What about Mom and Dad in your cultural language? You could work it in when you are talking about what they want to be called as grandparents. We let both sets of grands pick their grandparent name.
I know DH and I struggled with this ourselves when we were dating and first got married. We were young enough (22) that we still called most adults Mr and Mrs and using first names seemed disrespectful. DH’s older siblings were married and one called them by their first names and one Mom and Dad, so I settled on Ann and Marv. For years, DH just never called my father anything.
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anniebygaslight
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Jun 28, 2014 14:08:19 GMT
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Post by anniebygaslight on Feb 1, 2020 11:49:35 GMT
I’ve been with my husband for more than 12 years now (married for 3.5). For whatever reason, my mom told me at the end of 2019, after so many freaking years, that she and my dad thought it was disrespectful (it’s a cultural thing — I’m 1st gen American) for my husband to refer to them by their first names. For awhile, he called them Mr. or Mrs. last name. But obviously that’s odd at this point. If you were my parents, what else could you be called? Pretend the obvious Mom and Dad are also off the table. Other considering factors: - They are about in their 60s. - We are in our early 30s. - We are about to have our first kid, so someone suggested my husband call them whatever their grandchild will call them. It will def work if we are referring to them, but I think it might be odd to address them as grandma/grandpa (or whatever they decide to be called) if we weren’t in the context of our kid. Like I can’t imagine saying “Hey grandma, what do you want for lunch? 😂” Or other adult to adult casual conversation. I was expected to call my in-laws Mr and Mrs .... I was in my 20s and they were in their late 60s when my beloved and I got married. I called them ‘Mother in law’ and ‘Father in law’. She declared once that she thought it very forward of my father to call them by their first names. I told her to pull herself together, and the fact that they had (at that time) 3 mutual grandchildren entitled him to call them by their first name as we were all family. She was not suited. |
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Feb 1, 2020 12:03:18 GMT
I think the quality of the relationship between family members is so much more important than what we call one another. People get so bent about the wrong things. Your parents should be grateful for a loving son in law and about-to-be-father of their grandchild.
(I don't mean this as a handslap. I just think their priorities are misplaced.)
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SuPeaNatural
Full Member
AUSTRALIA
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Jun 27, 2014 8:49:11 GMT
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Post by SuPeaNatural on Feb 1, 2020 12:19:58 GMT
I'm kind of floored that your mother took so many years to mention it. If they don't like your DH using their first names, they need to tell him what title they'd be happy with. I didn't call my inlaws anything. I only ever saw them a handful of times as they lived far away, they would not visit us, and as FIL was an alcoholic, my XH would not take me or the kids to stay with them. I once referred to my MIL as Mrs Surname and FIL said - "what's this Mrs Surname business, call her Mum". I politely told him that I only had one mother, and that she was the only one I would call Mum, he was not impressed. My D'sIL all use different names for me. One is my first name, one is Ma and one is Nan. I don't have any preference. As my Dad used to say - call me anything you like, as long as it's not late for dinner. |
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maryannscraps
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Aug 28, 2017 12:51:28 GMT
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Post by maryannscraps on Feb 1, 2020 12:28:56 GMT
My husband calls my mom "Miss Firstname" - he's from the South where that's very common.
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carhoch
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Be yourself everybody else is already taken
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Post by carhoch on Feb 1, 2020 12:39:20 GMT
Cultural thing or not I would have told my mother that she should have said something 12 years ago and that now was too late for a change.
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Deleted
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Nov 2, 2024 17:23:18 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Feb 1, 2020 13:06:27 GMT
My dad managed to go around 50 years of not calling my grandparents anything! When he first starting dating my mum, they would have stood on ceremony and insisted on Mr and Mrs but after they married I think they wanted him to call them Mum and Dad which he absolutely would not do (I wouldn’t have been comfortable with that either - I have my own parents and they are the only ones I’ll ever call mum and dad). It’s amazing how well you can avoid saying someone’s name if you want to. He would occasionally say: ‘Ask your mother if she’d like more tea’ or whatever, but mostly he could get away with just speaking directly to them. I was in my teens before I noticed that he never used their names. I know lots of folk who always refer to their in-laws by their grandparent names, even when the kids aren’t around or are grown up. It doesn’t really sound weird to me as it’s so commonly done and comes across as affectionate. I always called my parents-in-law by their first names from the time we first started dating. This ^^^^ I went most of my marriage without calling them anything. I just spoke directly to them without addressing them. I guess the OP's husband could go back to calling them Mr./Mrs Lastname. |
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kibblesandbits
Pearl Clutcher
At the corner of Awesome and Bombdiggity
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Post by kibblesandbits on Feb 1, 2020 13:11:40 GMT
Well, what would they like to be called? Or did they just drop this connundrum on your head and figure that you'll somehow puzzle out what they want?
Gads, people are strange.
*EDIT* good lord, talk to type is wonky
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Post by mikklynn on Feb 1, 2020 13:12:00 GMT
It's not an alternate name, but I'd explain to my mother it is in no way disrespectful and she needs to deal with it. I call my MIL by her first name, or occasionally Miss Daisy when I am driving her around. |
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Post by Merge on Feb 1, 2020 13:25:05 GMT
If it's cultural, what is the typical thing in-laws are called in their/your culture?
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Post by pierkiss on Feb 1, 2020 13:34:07 GMT
If they don’t want him calling them by their first names, they need to tell you what the heck they want to be called.
You can go a surprising amount of time without using someone’s first name. 😀. After my husband and I were engaged, but before we were married (2 years) I just stopped using names for my in-laws. I thought Mr and Mrs was a bit much at that point, but I wasn’t ready to just use their first names. Which is ridiculous because we had been dating for 4 years at that point. Once we were married it was 1st names.
All of their children in law call them by their first names. Except one. He insists on mom and dad. They do not like it. He doesn’t seem to care. They don’t care enough to rock the boat though by correcting him.
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Post by gramasue on Feb 1, 2020 13:36:15 GMT
How about this - using the first initial of their surname, he could call them Mr. T and Mrs. T, or whatever the name starts with. This is what my kids' friends did when they were younger. I was just Mrs. C. It's a combination of respect and familiarity.
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StephDRebel
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Posts: 6,707
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Post by StephDRebel on Feb 1, 2020 13:42:26 GMT
I just realized that hmm husband just talks directly to my mom and stepdad and when hes talking to me he refers to them as 'your mom' and my stepdad by his first name.
He calls my dad sweetheart and my dad calls him honey or 'you big sack of sugar' but they're really weird and I'm certain that isnt helpful.
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Post by trixiecat on Feb 1, 2020 13:47:48 GMT
I flat out ask my mother in law what I should call her. I think I felt a little awkward at first calling her by her first name, but got used to it quickly. Obviously don't you think this is prompted by the fact you are having your first child? I think the "Mil" and 'Fil" are cute.
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peabay
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Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Feb 1, 2020 13:59:03 GMT
I called my mother in law what the kids called her: "Nana." It worked fine.
It's SO awkward to call them Mr. or Mrs. My daughter's 25 year old boyfriend gave me a Christmas present addressed to "Mrs. Bxxxx" and I laughed out loud - it just seemed so silly!
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Post by GamGam on Feb 1, 2020 14:11:43 GMT
I am the Generation of the MIL/older parent in this scenario, and I prefer to be called Mom. True enough, I am not her/his biological parent, BUT I am a MOM in this family, and that is what I prefer to be called. One of my DIL does this, but the other one calls me by my given name and that’s okay since she is comfortable do so. Interestingly, this DIL also uses her Mother’s given name instead of Mom when talking about her. How’s that for a different twist?
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Deleted
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Nov 2, 2024 17:23:18 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Feb 1, 2020 14:14:38 GMT
I'd just continue to call them by their first names, after 12 years it's way too late to start being annoyed by something.
I just don't get how calling someone by their name is disrespectful anyway.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Feb 1, 2020 14:15:40 GMT
My ex mother in law tried to pull this shit with me too. About two years into my marriage we were having a discussion and she said she thought it was disrespectful for me to refer to her as Cynthia. I just internally rolled my eyes and kept on doing it.
Then when my kids were about 5 & 6 years old my ex father in law made a comment about how he hated being called grandpa Mike. Again I just fucking rolled my eyes.
If you want something special, it's up to you to decide *before* people just assume.
I'm happy to say these people haven't been a part of my life in 10 years and my kids haven't seen them in 7 years. So...now I guess it's a moot point and they can be alone with their crazy.
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Post by KikiPea on Feb 1, 2020 14:18:12 GMT
I’d pretend they’re off the table, but mom and dad is what I call them.
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Post by auntkelly on Feb 1, 2020 14:32:34 GMT
This is one of those times that the old fashioned rules of etiquette make so much sense to me. My mom taught me that you address an older person as Mr. or Ms. unless and until that person says “Call me John.”
It just makes so much sense to me that if you want to be addressed in a certain way, you should politely make your preference known. How in the world is the other person supposed to know what you want to be called if you don’t tell them?
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Post by craftedbys on Feb 1, 2020 14:38:29 GMT
Both of my SILs started out calling my parents Mr. And Mrs. Last name because back then (mid 70s) it would have been considered incredibly disrespectful to call them by their first names. As soon as grandchildren arrived they started using Grandma and Grandpa, although one SIL did use my Dad's family nickname occasionally, or sometimes combining the two for Grandpa Nickname.
My ex-BIL always called them by Dad's nickname and Mom's first name and it grated on my very last nerve. However, it never really bothered me when DH would occasionally use it
When I started dating DH I called his parents Mr. And Miss First name, completely acceptable here in the south. After we had been married a bit I would occasionally use her nickname from DH and hen kids came along she was Grandma Nickname.
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Post by littlemama on Feb 1, 2020 14:44:56 GMT
I called my FIL dad
I call MIL mom
I call step-FIL by his first name (DH does also)
DH calls my mom, mom
He called my stepdad by his first name and so did I.
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Post by SockMonkey on Feb 1, 2020 14:45:50 GMT
I’ve been with my husband for more than 12 years now (married for 3.5). For whatever reason, my mom told me at the end of 2019, after so many freaking years, that she and my dad thought it was disrespectful (it’s a cultural thing — I’m 1st gen American) for my husband to refer to them by their first names. For awhile, he called them Mr. or Mrs. last name. But obviously that’s odd at this point. If you were my parents, what else could you be called? Pretend the obvious Mom and Dad are also off the table. Other considering factors: - They are about in their 60s. - We are in our early 30s. - We are about to have our first kid, so someone suggested my husband call them whatever their grandchild will call them. It will def work if we are referring to them, but I think it might be odd to address them as grandma/grandpa (or whatever they decide to be called) if we weren’t in the context of our kid. Like I can’t imagine saying “Hey grandma, what do you want for lunch? 😂” Or other adult to adult casual conversation. Well, what would they LIKE to be called? ETA: I just call mine Mom and Dad. My husband calls my parents by their first names. It's just kind of what we do. I don't know if it bothers my mom; she's never said. But, my husband loves my parents and does all kinds of nice stuff for them so it's not like there is tension or weirdness. Like, they hang out without me sometimes. Haha. |
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