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Post by SweetieBugs on Feb 29, 2020 0:24:58 GMT
My MIL recently had oral cancer surgery and lost 1/3 of her tongue as well as tissue inside her cheek and under her tongue. A really brutal surgery for an 84 year old person.
We cared for FIL the week she was in the hospital and then both of them afterwards for another week. MIL is on soft foods-only for at least 5 to 6 weeks or more. While they were here, I made 9 different batches of home cooked (from scratch) soups and stews for her lunches and dinners. After that first week post-op, my DH drove them home (2 1/2 hours away) and now DH's brother and wife are caring for MIL and FIL. We just found out that BIL/SIL have not been cooking anything for MIL and she has been fed Progresso and Campbells soup twice a day every day since last Sunday dinner. I think FIL has gotten lazy and is not doing anything for himself. I thought going back home would get him up and doing basic things but apparently cooking isn't on his list.
I just can't believe BIL/SIL not doing anything to provide more than canned soups. That seems borderline cruel to me.
I was not thrilled AT ALL with having to take care of them in my home but not cooking for her was never a consideration in my mind. It's just "the right thing to do" in my opinion. I mean, think of how you would want to be treated in this same situation.
Do you arrive at the same thought "right thing to do" or do you feel that BIL/SIL really don't have an obligation.
Also, they will be overnight guests next week (will come before lunch so I need a lunch and a dinner) for another post op appointment and then overnight guests every few weeks for another 6 months!!! I'm going to need a bunch of soup or stew suggestions for the short-term. I have already made these (all of them blended in a Ninja):
Chicken and orzo Chicken with broccoli (her favorite vegetable) Split pea and ham soup Butternut squash soup with apple Beef vegetable with barley Hearty beef stew Navy bean and ham soup Cream of broccoli and cheddar soup Butternut squash soup (a more savory version)
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Post by mom on Feb 29, 2020 0:29:48 GMT
My first question is what does MIL want? Is it possible she would rather have canned soup?
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paigepea
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Post by paigepea on Feb 29, 2020 0:40:30 GMT
I wouldn’t feel obligated but I’d feel more than just my responsibility. If it was me I’d expect my FIL to do something. He’s never cooked anything in his life so why start now but he should get a caterer to make some things. Or at the very least take me out because I make things for MIL. I’d do it because I’d want to, not because I feel obligated or responsible.
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Post by allison1954 on Feb 29, 2020 0:43:26 GMT
I do not cook soup, have never cared for it much and DH dislikes intensely.
If that was all she could have, it would be canned. Or takeout
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GiantsFan
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Post by GiantsFan on Feb 29, 2020 0:45:51 GMT
While I don't think canned soup is bad for once in a while, I prefer to make soups because I can control what's in them. Does the canned soup bother the IL's? Maybe they told SIL it was fine. And honestly this isn't something that would bother me.
As for other soups... tomato soup is very easy to make, as is minestrone. I haven't tried from scratch but our grocery store sells a really good potato soup.
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keithurbanlovinpea
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Post by keithurbanlovinpea on Feb 29, 2020 0:48:21 GMT
I think home cooking is great but I understand it's not practical for everyone. I also don't think canned soup says I love you any less than homemade soup
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Post by myshelly on Feb 29, 2020 0:52:30 GMT
You value home cooking.
Others don’t.
You don’t get to force your value on someone else.
I don’t feel “obligated” to cook even for my own freaking kids, so I certainly don’t feel obligated to cook for anyone else.
There would be a lot of UberEats happening if I was in this situation and if you judged me for it, you’d get a big old middle finger.
This post is so pretentious to me.
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Post by bothmykidsrbrats on Feb 29, 2020 0:57:38 GMT
For MY MIL I might open a can of soup, if I could find one dented and bulging. For anyone else I would make homemade soup. If for some reason I was unable to make homemade, I would at least get the prepackaged deli soup from the grocery store. I confess, I'm a soup snob and the only canned soup I buy is tomato, because that's what my gram used in her goulash and stuffed cabbage, and it's just not right with homemade or deli soup.
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Post by refugeepea on Feb 29, 2020 1:07:52 GMT
My first question is what does MIL want? Is it possible she would rather have canned soup? That was my thought as well. I love Progresso's tomato soup. Also at that age, her taste buds may not be the greatest. She may not be able to appreciate the taste between store bought and homemade.
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Post by allison1954 on Feb 29, 2020 1:10:27 GMT
My first question is what does MIL want? Is it possible she would rather have canned soup? That was my thought as well. I love Progresso's tomato soup. Also at that age, her taste buds may not be the greatest. She may not be able to appreciate the taste between store bought and homemade. Progresso has a great variety! And you don’t have to have the same kind as leftovers.
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Post by Miss Lerins Momma on Feb 29, 2020 1:11:40 GMT
I don’t see how it has anything to do with “responsibility”. I don’t see anything wrong with canned soup. Maybe they are busy? Maybe they have other obligations. She’s being fed, that’s what matters. Feed how her you wish when she is with you. Maybe you have more time on your hands? Maybe food isn’t a love language for them? I’d say stay in your own lane or take food to her yourself.
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johnnysmom
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Post by johnnysmom on Feb 29, 2020 1:13:22 GMT
You value home cooking. Others don’t. You don’t get to force your value on someone else. I don’t feel “obligated” to cook even for my own freaking kids, so I certainly don’t feel obligated to cook for anyone else. There would be a lot of UberEats happening if I was in this situation and if you judged me for it, you’d get a big old middle finger. This post is so pretentious to me. Yep. Sorry. I don’t really cook and can’t even think of 9 types of soups I could make. I’ll stock your fridge/pantry, drive you to the doctor, call you daily, even let you stay with me (very) briefly, but don’t expect me to cook for you.
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Post by revirdsuba99 on Feb 29, 2020 1:23:05 GMT
Truthfully ask her what she would like. You could make some and freeze it to send some home with them if she would like. Pack them in an inexpensive cooler and they will travel fine. That is if she wants them and you want to make them.
You have been a good DIL, do what is best for ALL of you!
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Post by myboysnme on Feb 29, 2020 1:32:35 GMT
I chose the first option, not because it is not my responsibility but because I do not cook and canned soups can be quite a good choice in my opinion, especially compared to what I would make from scratch.
I was on a liquid diet for 4 weeks and ate lots of Campbell's soup. At least 6 of the soups you made I would not eat no matter how delicious because of what is in them that I don't like.
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Post by 950nancy on Feb 29, 2020 1:32:50 GMT
I might make one or two and then my husband would get some of the soup from our local grocery store that is served hot in tureens at the store.
I would want to treat someone else kindly and make a meal for them now and then, but I wouldn't take it upon myself to be soup queen either. I also don't know the relationship of the MIL to the other couple (in behavior and expectations), so knowing more about them might make me think differently.
Some people cook and some people don't. I cook because everything canned would be gross (to me) and I like having meals made from home with a mix of eat out meals once a week.
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Post by myshelly on Feb 29, 2020 1:33:12 GMT
I can’t even vote in your poll because it’s so judgy.
I love my MIL. I would stock her pantry. But I don’t cook.
No, I wouldn’t cook, but I’m also not selected any of your snobby statements about responsibility and obligation.
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Post by chaosisapony on Feb 29, 2020 1:36:49 GMT
I don't see that there's anything wrong with canned soup in this situation. Not everyone likes to cook or is good at cooking. Canned soups/deli soups/takeout soups doesn't mean they love her any less.
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freebird
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Post by freebird on Feb 29, 2020 1:39:59 GMT
Option 3. I don't feel obligated, but I am bossy so I'll force my soup on my MIL. (who loves my soup btw).
What would annoy me, is if I was making huge batches of soup for MIL because of her medical issues, and FIL or family was eating it because it was "easy."
I was making food for my MIL because she'd been in the hospital, had knee surgery, etc. But I admit I was irritated when I went over there and she told my BIL to just have some chicken (that I'd made for her to have when she's alone so she doesn't eat fucking crackers all day long.)
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Post by epeanymous on Feb 29, 2020 1:42:26 GMT
What is the problem, exactly?
My father is literally your MIL. He has oral cancer and is having surgery on Monday. I can tell you that he would prefer to have canned soup to anything I ever would cook, *because canned soup is all he has ever had and is what my mother makes.* I can also tell you that (1) I don’t cook, dh does, (2) we both work, so there isn’t a lot of time for involved cooking, and (3) neither one of us has ever made soup in our lives.
Cancer is really upsetting to deal with. I am guessing your reaction is more about that.
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Post by huskermom98 on Feb 29, 2020 1:59:30 GMT
I would make soup because I want to help out and I also like to cook (not because I'd feel obligated). I personally don't think it would be good for someone to eat that much canned soup because of the amount of sodium, but I can't control others.
If I were the MIL I would have also made and frozen some soup before my surgery.
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kibblesandbits
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Post by kibblesandbits on Feb 29, 2020 2:03:10 GMT
I think I'd stay in my lane and do what makes me comfortable, and let others do what they are comfortable with. You can't force your values on someone else.
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Post by nlwilkins on Feb 29, 2020 2:21:38 GMT
There is more to soft foods than soup - that is what strikes me.
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NoWomanNoCry
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Post by NoWomanNoCry on Feb 29, 2020 2:22:42 GMT
I have no confidence in my cooking abilities for dh and I much less someone else..so I would probably pick up take out stuff, grocery shop and clean the home for them. I’m just not a Betty Crocker so I’m not subjecting others to that.
I also find this post judgmental.
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Post by imkat on Feb 29, 2020 2:28:35 GMT
My mom has had similar surgeries. I would ask what she wants to eat. My mom had plenty of canned soup, as well as oatmeal, yogurt, jello, eggs, applesauce, protein drinks and macaroni and cheese. She also likes coffee with lots of cream and sugar. She cannot tolerate anything acidic (tomato-based soup) or spicy.
Our main concern is for her to get enough calories and hydration. She has lost a lot of weight and has fallen a few times. The more she eats and drinks, the better, even if it is not home cooked or super nutritious.
Prayers for your mother-in-law for comfort and healing.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 29, 2020 2:33:36 GMT
My mouth was wired shut for 4 weeks after a 12 hour surgery.
My mom cooks wonderful meals.
Guess what? She bought canned soup, cooked them, blended them, and handed me a mug with a straw.
For 4 weeks.
Did I feel unloved? Shit no. It was easy for my mom and it was food for me.
I would not expect my mom to cook for the rest of the family and then make me homemade soup.
If she is being fed and is enjoying the soup, does it really matter if it is home made or from a can? No
Also she may have zero taste buds after that surgery due to trauma of the tongue
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Post by roberta on Feb 29, 2020 2:35:09 GMT
IMO you need to ask: What does your MIL like? Does your MIL mind canned soup (my mom loved canned soups!)? Is there a salt restriction (canned soups have lot more salt)? Can your MIL pick out some easy soup recipes she would like?
It is clear that you value home cooked foods however not everyone is a good cook, values it the same as you do, or is up to it. IMO you could be happy the sibs are helping and not worry about the food unless it is against docs orders: ie needs low salt.
It is a stressful situation for everyone! Do what you need to do to show your love and allow others to do what they need to do.
Hugs and prayers for your family. Be good to yourself.
ETA: the doc or nutritionist should be able to give you more info on soft foods. There is a lot you can do in addition to soup. She should be having more protein (unless kidney complications) especially.
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Post by Jennifer C on Feb 29, 2020 2:40:09 GMT
I would ask my MIL what she wanted on the menu.
Jennifer
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Post by bc2ca on Feb 29, 2020 3:07:03 GMT
I couldn't pick an option in your poll. My MIL is a good cook and makes fabulous traditional Greek soups. I love to cook and make soups, but would never dream of trying to make one of MILs specialities and feed it to her. Anything I make will be too fancy or weird for her tastes. Even if it is plain and bland. She would love a Progresso chicken noodle of lentil soup. There is comfort in having something you know and like when you're sick. It's the only time I reach for Lipton's Chicken Noodle soup and is a complete comforting throw back to my childhood. For my parents, I know my dad would not be happy with anyone fussing over them and bringing meals. Another thought, can whatever you normally make for dinner be just blended to a soft consistency rather than liquid? DD rejected baby foods very early on and I'd just stick whatever we were eating into the mini-foodprocessor and blitz for a bit to feed her. SweetieBugs , I think you have gone above and beyond for your ILs during this incredibly stressful time.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 29, 2020 3:13:25 GMT
This may be the only time I'll agree with myshelly. I actually prefer canned soup, especially progressive. DH hates them. I loved it when he had to travel for work. I would buy my favorite soup and enjoy it with cheap garlic bread.
You may have the time and desire to make homemade soup. Maybe they don't. For all you know, MIL told them she can't tell the difference or that she didn't like your stuff. Try a little harder to be less judgy.
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Post by jubejubes on Feb 29, 2020 3:15:38 GMT
SweetieBugs Big ( ( ( hugs ) ) ) to you. You seem very stressed and in your previous post about your FIL, I could feel your frustration and being overwhelmed. I will agree with the many that your poll is very judgemental. Not everyone cooks and not everyone feels that "homemade" is better than store bought. I prefer homemade, however, sometimes the best way that a friend showed me that they cared (when I was in a difficult situation), was by giving me a gift card to a restaurant that I could either eat in or have takeout or delivered. Your MIL is 84, and as another pea mentioned, might not even have taste buds. Your FIL seems really scared and can't remember how to care for himself, let alone his wife. Has your FIL even really cooked in the past? Or did your MIL do the cooking & housekeeping. Getting old and being sick can be really scary. It makes people face their mortality and most times, they don't know how to deal with this. Having someone else telling them that they aren't doing things "the right and proper way" isn't helpful. Please, don't insist that your values, or the way that you would handle things is the only or the best way. As has been mentioned, and I say this gently, please stay in your own lane. They will survive. You know that you can't change this situation and please don't judge your BIL/SIL for what they are doing or the way that they are doing things. They are adults. They have a different relationship with your in-laws than you do. Please, step back, take a long hot bath or anything to decompress or you might possibly ruin relationships because of the way that you want to control things. I am saying this gently, please step away and do not judge others as they don't do as you would do.
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