GiantsFan
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Jun 27, 2014 14:44:56 GMT
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Post by GiantsFan on Oct 25, 2014 15:59:57 GMT
I was 18 + boyfriend + motorcycle = My parents did not approve, however, I was of legal age. I got a good jacket and helmut.
Honestly, she is an adult. There is nothing that you can do.
This was me too. But before the helmet laws. |
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Post by Zee on Oct 25, 2014 16:21:55 GMT
I don't think any mom really "approves" of your scenario, but she's an adult and you have to trust that if she thinks he's reckless, she won't ride with him.
I am living this scenario, only DD is 20 and her boyfriend's bike isn't a super fast racing bike, but still. My DH has a Harley so DD isn't new to the experience. I know her well enough to know that if she felt unsafe, she would be quite vocal about it, lol. She says he is very cautious when she's on the back. I think he takes good care of her. If only I didn't have to worry about the rest of the vehicles on the road!
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scorpeao
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Jun 25, 2014 21:04:54 GMT
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Post by scorpeao on Oct 25, 2014 16:26:26 GMT
I'd pray. That's about all you can do. It's in God's hands...
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azredhead
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Post by azredhead on Oct 25, 2014 16:32:13 GMT
you can let her know your worries, if she doesn't know already but she's on her own as the relationship goes. And like others have said, speaking your disapproval to much will encourage her.
Educate her on safety issues, organ donor stuff but the rest is up to her.
I come from a family of Harley riders but they are HUGE on saftey. I love to ride as a passenger but I have my own boots, chaps, helmet and jacket.
Maybe ask her about that kinda stuff, how often she rides etc.
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Post by bosoxbeth on Oct 25, 2014 16:35:22 GMT
I would be totally freaked out!! I don't like motorcycles at all. I would never want my kids on one.
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Post by lurkingsince2001 on Oct 25, 2014 17:25:18 GMT
I know this will sound sexist, and I truly don't mean it this way, but perhaps your husband should talk with her. As he is the one with motorcycle experience and can probably better foresee and get her to understand all the things that can go wrong. He can approach her about the safety course question, insurance, gear, etc as the "concerned" father and maybe she would take it better than what some see as an "overbearing" mother. Was his riding before you were married or is it something she's grown up with? That could make a difference. As a teenager I would've understood my mom's concerns, (she was never shy about letting them be known and was very controlling at times and I was very practical and safety minded anyway) but I would've taken those concerns more seriously if they came from my brothers or dad with all their experiences and medical experience. Yes it is her choice, but it's always good idea to make certain she's got all the info possible when making a choice right? Approach and delivery are very important here.
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LeaP
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Post by LeaP on Oct 25, 2014 17:41:10 GMT
As for the OP's question, I'd tell my dd what I think because that's how we roll in our family. My kids have also never suffered from the cut off nose to spite mom condition. So I'd also ask her if she has life insurance and if that boyfriend will agree to care for her in perpetuity should they be in an accident and she suffer debilitating injuries. The reality is that motorcycle crashes are much more likely to cause death and injury than car crashes (in part due to not wearing helmets, but that is not the only reason).  I'd have to say something. We just had a motorcycle death in family 3 days ago and are all more than a little bit raw about it ( link) |
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Post by CarolinaGirl71 on Oct 25, 2014 17:49:18 GMT
I would ask if they are organ donors. My husband is a surgeon and he sees so many people who were involved in accidents.he now calls motorcycles -- donor cycles My DH is an anesthesiologist and he calls the people who ride motorcycles "organ donors" |
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Post by Zee on Oct 25, 2014 18:09:36 GMT
People who like to ride really don't give a shit that every nurse and doctor calls them organ donors, have heard this 53 times already, and aren't really too worried what their moms think about it to be honest.
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PrettyInPeank
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Post by PrettyInPeank on Oct 25, 2014 18:32:27 GMT
People who like to ride really don't give a shit that every nurse and doctor calls them organ donors, have heard this 53 times already, and aren't really too worried what their moms think about it to be honest. Speak for yourself. I listened to mine and sold the bike. |
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Post by moveablefeast on Oct 25, 2014 18:55:08 GMT
People who like to ride really don't give a shit that every nurse and doctor calls them organ donors, have heard this 53 times already, and aren't really too worried what their moms think about it to be honest. Speak for yourself. I listened to mine and sold the bike. Not us. We love to ride. Are we aware of the hazards? Of course. It is by nature more hazardous than driving a car. But statistically speaking, motorcycling is a reasonably safe activity when done sober, with training, and with proper safety equipment. Of course ER doctors cite all the horror stories. That's what they see. They don't see the millions of safe, enjoyable miles ridden by motorcyclists every day. So naturally their sample is going to be biased. |
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Deleted
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Aug 18, 2025 21:03:47 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 25, 2014 18:55:56 GMT
I agree that if you're going to say something, it needs to be said from a position of concern and not whether you approve it or not.
I have an 18-year-old daughter, and yes, if she were dating someone who rode a motorcycle and she was riding with him, I would have a discussion with her. Not angry, not threatening, but just laying out the facts of the dangers of motorcycle riding--just as I would about any other behavior she might be engaging in that has risks.
I don't think that saying something makes you a "helicopter mom," and I think there's a happy medium between being completely overbearing and not expressing your thoughts to your child, even when he or she is an adult.
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Post by happymom on Oct 25, 2014 20:28:55 GMT
My dad is 64 and rides a motorcycle and omg- my mom rides with him. I can't imagine "disapproving"
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Post by anxiousmom on Oct 25, 2014 20:48:24 GMT
I am pretty sure OP is not really actually asking how to get her daughter to stop this. She knows she can not do anything at this point. I think OP just needed to talk it out a little with fellow pea moms. I am shocked anyone would cut their mother out of their life for her concern. WOW!!!! Her daughter is only 19 and is doing something that EVERYONE knows is dangerous (donor cycles- yikes!!). Though it is no longer Mom's "right" to protect her adult child from her dangerous choices, I think Mom should still express her concern and give her safety suggestions. Also, though it is no longer Mom's right to protect her from her dangerous choices, who do you think will be taking care of her if she gets seriously hurt?? And, not only care for her physically and emotionally but also financially as we know 19 year old college students are still on their parent's medical plans. I don't think any one is suggesting that the mom would get cut off for expressing concern...or at least that isn't the way I was reading it. My interpretation (and the thoughts that I hopefully expressed as well) was that there is a line between discussions of those concerns and the idea of approval/disapproval. That it is one thing to say "hey, I get worried when you guys are riding on the motor cycle, can we talk about that?" and "hey, I don't approve of what you are doing" which suggests judgement. I remember being that age and I would have been happy to talk to my mom-as an equal. Because in my mind, I *was* an equal. Approval/disapproval would have sounded too much like the child/parent relationship which I would have seen as my mother tell me I couldn't do it. And as an adult, being told what to do by my mom would have made it so I wouldn't have wanted to be around her. |
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PaperAngel
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Jun 27, 2014 23:04:06 GMT
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Post by PaperAngel on Oct 25, 2014 21:41:24 GMT
As you mentioned, she is living away from home at college. It's impossible for you to monitor her actions & decisions like when she lived under your roof. However, you are & always will be her parents. If expressing your concern about her safety or disapproval of the motorcycle causes her to permanently eliminate you from her life, as other posters predicted, then your relationship was weak before she even met her current boyfriend & you've got much more to be concerned about than her riding on the back of a motorcycle! I suggest you & your husband share your limited, but negative, experiences with motorcycles &, based on such, tell her you are worried &/or disapprove. I'm certain she's realizes that her age/stage in life allows her to decide how much your opinion influences her decisions. If she chooses to continue riding & it's his only mode of transportation, then give her protective riding gear during fall break as an early holiday/birthday (whichever comes first) gifts.
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Post by DinCA on Oct 25, 2014 21:50:19 GMT
I would worry and I might say something to her about it. (I have a 19-year-old dd, too.) That said, she's an adult so that would be the end of my involvement.
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Post by AussieMeg on Oct 25, 2014 21:53:52 GMT
Apart from begging her not to ride on the back of the bike and offering the use of my own car instead (if he doesn't have a car), I don't think there'd be much I could do seeing she is an adult. Plus, my kids know that I used to ride a motorbike so my DD would be using the hypocrite argument for sure.
That's the main reason I sold my bike when my DD was a baby. I didn't want my kids to ever get on a bike. It's too bloody dangerous.
ETA: I'll never forget the look of complete dismay on my dad's face when I came home with a motorbike. Up until that point I think he thought that me getting my learners permit was a passing fancy and I wouldn't take it any further. But even though I felt guilty for putting him through the worry, I was always gonna do what I wanted to do. Now that I am a parent I can understand! |
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Post by AussieMeg on Oct 25, 2014 21:55:49 GMT
I would ask if they are organ donors. My husband is a surgeon and he sees so many people who were involved in accidents.he now calls motorcycles -- donor cycles My DH is an anesthesiologist and he calls the people who ride motorcycles "organ donors"
I've heard that too. And here they are also called "temporary Australians".
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Nicole in TX
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Post by Nicole in TX on Oct 25, 2014 23:10:31 GMT
I am in my 40s and my parents still give me their opinions and I still value their opinions.
I would tell her you felt very strongly against it.
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Post by corinne11 on Oct 26, 2014 0:54:17 GMT
Clearly, at 19 she will make her own decisions, but as a parent I too would feel worried and would definitely express my concerns.
When my grandson was younger I told him not to ride a motorcycle (I've known 3 people who died and one who has been in a wheelchair since he was 19), not to get a tattoo (I've amended this one- wait till he is 25!) and not to go surfing (too many sharks!)
Of course, this was all tongue in cheek, but it is normal human nature to want to protect your family. Every day I see motorcyclists weave in and out of traffic, and have seen many close calls. In no way do I want to imply all riders are at fault, but the fact is they are less visible than other cars. And just reading the statistics on injuries sustained during bike crashes compared to car crashes is enough to convince me that I would be stressed if my daughter or grandson starting riding one.
Strangely enough, I have no concerns about my husband scuba diving ever and we live in Great White territory , so go figure!
I must ask though, is it not compulsory to wear helmets in some places? I cannot imagine even getting onto a bike without one. But we can't ride a bicycle without a helmet either here.
Corinne |
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Post by ntsf on Oct 26, 2014 1:20:54 GMT
my dh had two broken legs due to ski injury...very very severe injuries...and every x-ray tech would say...."motorcycle??" over and over for 20 yrs...just finished another surgery...30 yrs after accident.
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Post by sisterbdsq on Oct 26, 2014 1:52:11 GMT
Let's see...I started riding on my dad's bike, in front of him, strapped to him with a belt, when I was about 1. It was a chopper with big ape hangers. It was the seventies, and no one freaked out. I have two bikes of my own. Most of my family rides. We're not unsafe. We've all taken the class. You know the real problem? There's a class for us, but no mention of how to drive a car safely with bikes on the road when you are learning to drive a passenger vehicle.
Yeah, yeah, donor cycle. Whatever. Anything can be unsafe. Any activity. I dont like when people put their fears onto others.
I know a guy who is a quadriplegic from an accident. He rides a modified cycle now. He was hit by some ass in a car. I'm sure many peas will think that's stupid for him to ride again. But, it's his passion and he wasn't going to give it up.I've been hit too. So has my dad, and my brother.
OP, be more worried about the dumb shits in cars than the boyfriend.
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styxgirl
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Jun 27, 2014 4:51:44 GMT
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Post by styxgirl on Oct 26, 2014 2:10:39 GMT
No! But I was once that 19 yo riding around with her boyfriend on a motorcycle. In our state you don't have to wear helmets!!! OMG I can't believe I ever did that!
I married the boyfriend and that was 25 years ago. I got my motorcycle license and used to ride with a helmet back and forth to college because you could get better parking spots! ;-)
Eventually we sold the bikes and ended up with a mini van and kids.
I would crap if either of my DDs did that at any age!
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scrapaddie
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Post by scrapaddie on Oct 26, 2014 2:29:57 GMT
at this point all you can do is pray that the last 18 years of mothering have sunk in. My dd ia 32 and i still do a lot of praying!!
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Post by Sassenach on Oct 26, 2014 3:13:00 GMT
I would have a serious discussion with her about how she plans to handle the financial consequences of a potential accident. Has she thought of the cost to you if she becomes debilitated and needs lifelong care? Is she willing to risk your financial future? I would ask her to buy health insurance that includes long term care or accident coverage. She is an "adult" now and needs to think about how her actions and decisions could affect other people.
Since she is only 19, I doubt she would follow through on any of this but; if it were my daughter I would have the conversation and hope that it would give her something to think about.
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kikinichole
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Post by kikinichole on Oct 26, 2014 12:22:44 GMT
I would worry. But that's about it.
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purplebee
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Post by purplebee on Oct 26, 2014 13:23:01 GMT
This is such a difficult thing. Motorcycle riders will ride until they have the wreck that makes them unable to ride any more. It is not if, it's when. This is what I have been told by a number of my bike riding friends, including the one who almost lost his leg, and spent 7 months in the hospital after being hit by a car last year. And he was not riding recklessly and was wearing proper gear. I agree that it's not always the biker, but the careless car drivers who are entirely at fault.
I have a 19 yo ds who bought a bike from an aquaintance. Fortunately it needs a lot of work to be road worthy, and he has not had the time or money to fix it. DH and I held nothing back in expressing our extreme disapproval. Reminded him that he was still living with us, and was covered by our health insurance, to put it briefly. I think part of that must have sunk in as I haven't heard anything about motorcycles lately.
I know that your dd is an independent adult, but I also think that you have the right to express your disapproval especially since you are still covering her on your health insurance, and likely still supporting her since she is a student. Don't know what else you can do. Talking about long term care insurance and quoting motorcycle injury stats can't hurt, but will probably not make much difference.
Good luck, and pray a lot.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Oct 27, 2014 4:12:55 GMT
I was that girl. DH was that guy with the bike.  While he/we were lucky and never had a serious accident, he has had enough close calls where people just didn't see him and that's what made him give up riding even though he loved it. My brother has had several serious accidents on his and he still rides, but now he's much more careful about using the right gear EVERY time he does. No matter how careful the guy is (and DH was very careful), you can't control all of the *other* people on the road and THAT is what you have to worry about most. She's an adult, so aside from offering to buy her some protective gear, there's not much else you can do. |
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Jili
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Jun 26, 2014 1:26:48 GMT
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Post by Jili on Oct 27, 2014 4:21:04 GMT
I agree that if you're going to say something, it needs to be said from a position of concern and not whether you approve it or not. I have an 18-year-old daughter, and yes, if she were dating someone who rode a motorcycle and she was riding with him, I would have a discussion with her. Not angry, not threatening, but just laying out the facts of the dangers of motorcycle riding--just as I would about any other behavior she might be engaging in that has risks. I don't think that saying something makes you a "helicopter mom," and I think there's a happy medium between being completely overbearing and not expressing your thoughts to your child, even when he or she is an adult. Well said. I have an 18-year-old dd as well, and these are my exact thoughts on the subject. |
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Post by Miss Lerins Momma on Oct 27, 2014 5:10:10 GMT
I would not approve. My 20 year old cousin died on a motorcycle... I don't want my kids on them period.
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I'd have to say something. We just had a motorcycle death in family 3 days ago and are all more than a little bit raw about it (
Refupea #402
Time to get off the internet!
While he/we were lucky and never had a serious accident, he has had enough close calls where people just didn't see him and that's what made him give up riding even though he loved it. My brother has had several serious accidents on his and he still rides, but now he's much more careful about using the right gear EVERY time he does.
