gorgeouskid
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Post by gorgeouskid on Oct 26, 2014 20:26:36 GMT
Three weeks ago, I invited five friends to come have an early dinner at a fancy resort my husband is at for his yearly sales meeting (usually these meetings are at awesome destinations and this was the first one where there is no flying involved.)
One person said yes immediately, one said no. Two said they'd check calendars. One no answer. I asked again for the maybes and no answer. One no and two no answers. This morning the one person who had said yes cancelled, so I'm on my own.
Now it's tonight, and I had to cancel reservations because no one is coming (for sure.) It's local to all of them (10 minute drive.)
I get that everyone has lives, but three weeks to clear a couple of hours and not one of my "friends" can come? My feelings, despite trying not to, are a little bit dented.
DH can't socialize with me because it's a no spouse thing (which I knew about), so I told him that I'd fend for myself, and inviting friends was my way of fending for myself. He goes to meetings at 7:00 am and they're all day, with social (no spouses) dinners and receptions with vendors at night.
So I'm going to take my bent feelings and have a nice glass of wine and a super meal with dessert to soothe my ruffled feathers with my own spectacular self. Then I'll take myself to the spa tomorrow for a hard massage.
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Deleted
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Aug 18, 2025 21:44:52 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 26, 2014 20:41:35 GMT
I also get that people have busy lives. I also wonder how someone can NOT ANSWER and not consider it rude? Too many times I know my invitations were given "maybes" in hopes of getting better offers. I finally decided these were not my friends. I no have friends who will be honest and say, "That's not something I'm interested in, but thanks!" or "No, I already know that's a date where I'm committed elsewhere."
{{{{ hugs }}}}
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Deleted
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Aug 18, 2025 21:44:52 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 26, 2014 20:42:34 GMT
Perhaps the husbands felt ackward because your husband wasn't going to be there too. And the women didn't want to go withough their spouse because they don't spend much time together as it is with kid activities. Sorry you got left out. I can say as a single women, being friends with married women is next to impossible. As much as married women say they want female friends they will not make time for them at all.
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brandy327
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,353
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Post by brandy327 on Oct 26, 2014 20:44:13 GMT
Well that stinks. And I'd probably feel the same way. Honestly, I'm not much of a friends person...and what I mean by that is that I have one really close friend. We talk daily (usually via FB chat or text) and get together (either by ourselves or with our families) every couple of months, sometimes more. I have a lot of acquaintances or people that I'm friendly with but not many that I'd invite to do something like that.
I'm often envious of the people who have quite a few really close friendships and you see them always doing things together. Most often, they're friends that grew up together and/or are raising their families together...but not always. I'd love to have a group of girlfriends that I feel comfortable enough with to do girl getaways...but I don't. Sometimes it bothers me some...sometimes it doesn't at all.
I say, phooey on them and enjoy what you have planned now. Their loss.
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Post by cindyupnorth on Oct 26, 2014 20:46:37 GMT
I don't get it. So why are you even there? if it's only 10 mins away, and you're not with your dh? Plus your dh wouldn't be there? but you invited other couples? to an expensive dinner?
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Post by BeckyTech on Oct 26, 2014 20:46:39 GMT
Find the most decadent chocolate dessert on the menu and indulge. Chocolate makes everything better, even a teeny tiny bit.  |
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Deleted
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Aug 18, 2025 21:44:52 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 26, 2014 20:49:12 GMT
I also get that people have busy lives. I also wonder how someone can NOT ANSWER and not consider it rude? Too many times I know my invitations were given "maybes" in hopes of getting better offers. I finally decided these were not my friends. I no have friends who will be honest and say, "That's not something I'm interested in, but thanks!" or "No, I already know that's a date where I'm committed elsewhere." {{{{ hugs }}}} I don't think is a matter of a "better" offer but a matter of scheduling other obligations that may not have the same time window. When I had teens in the house I couldn't say "yes" three weeks out to anything. I didn't know if they would end up in a higher level tournament for their activities or not, or have their carpool fall apart, of have the h's work schedule suddenly change (he didn't work a 9-5 M-F type of job) when they were younger than teens finding a sitter could be a pain. |
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tiffanytwisted
Pearl Clutcher
you can check out any time you like, but you can never leave
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Post by tiffanytwisted on Oct 26, 2014 20:51:19 GMT
Perhaps the husbands felt ackward because your husband wasn't going to be there too. And the women didn't want to go withough their spouse because they don't spend much time together as it is with kid activities. Sorry you got left out. I can say as a single women, being friends with married women is next to impossible. As much as married women say they want female friends they will not make time for them at all. While this is quite possibly true, it is sad if it is. My husband travels A LOT, so I get the whole 'I don't get to see my husband thing'. However, friendships need to be nurtured, too. One day your kids grow up and you're going to need your friends and find you have none because you blew them off for years. Also, I think saying 'many married women say they want female friends . . . ' is more accurate. I definitely make time for my friends. Granted, I try to do most of it during the week when he's away, but I have spent many weekends away w/my girlfriends or sisters. Not all married women blow off their friends. OP, any of your friends who weren't interested should have said no from the get-go. I'm hoping the one who cancelled this morning had a good reason. If not, she's just as bad. And the no answers? Well, sadly we all have those Emily Post dropouts in our lives. Hang in there, don't let it get you down and enjoy your lovely dinner & massage! |
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Deleted
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Aug 18, 2025 21:44:52 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 26, 2014 20:54:13 GMT
I don't see where the OP said she invited couples? Just friends.
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Post by alittleintrepid on Oct 26, 2014 20:54:16 GMT
I don't get it. So why are you even there? if it's only 10 mins away, and you're not with your dh? Plus your dh wouldn't be there? but you invited other couples? to an expensive dinner? I'm sorry your feelings are hurt but, maybe the friends don't get it either? Or feel like it's expensive and not about getting together but somehow about the husband's sales dinner? |
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tiffanytwisted
Pearl Clutcher
you can check out any time you like, but you can never leave
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Post by tiffanytwisted on Oct 26, 2014 20:58:05 GMT
I don't get it. So why are you even there? if it's only 10 mins away, and you're not with your dh? Plus your dh wouldn't be there? but you invited other couples? to an expensive dinner? No, it doesn't look like you get it. She has the chance to stay in a nice hotel near her house. She knew her husband had work stuff and couldn't be with her, so she invited friends to dinner. She said she invited 5 friends, not couples. And if they didn't want to spend the money on the expensive dinner, the polite thing to do is say, "No thank you." |
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Post by gmcwife1 on Oct 26, 2014 21:03:28 GMT
I also get that people have busy lives. I also wonder how someone can NOT ANSWER and not consider it rude? Too many times I know my invitations were given "maybes" in hopes of getting better offers. I finally decided these were not my friends. I no have friends who will be honest and say, "That's not something I'm interested in, but thanks!" or "No, I already know that's a date where I'm committed elsewhere." {{{{ hugs }}}} I don't think is a matter of a "better" offer but a matter of scheduling other obligations that may not have the same time window. When I had teens in the house I couldn't say "yes" three weeks out to anything. I didn't know if they would end up in a higher level tournament for their activities or not, or have their carpool fall apart, of have the h's work schedule suddenly change (he didn't work a 9-5 M-F type of job) when they were younger than teens finding a sitter could be a pain. This is me right now. The last 3 or 4 scrapbooking events I've paid for I had to forfeit my payment because of either work or my 15 yr olds activities. We started 4th quarter mandatory OT in September, a month earlier than last years voluntary OT. It's not a better offer, it's a higher priority offer. Look at all the posts complaining about parents not helping out. For us 4-H is like church to many others. I am sorry about your friends not being able to spend time with you. |
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Post by anxiousmom on Oct 26, 2014 21:21:54 GMT
I am sorry. As a single woman, I know how disappointed when your friends appear to put your invitations at the back of the list of things to do. I know that families come first, but friendships are also important and I feel very much unimportant at times when my friends don't commit to events.
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Post by betsy on Oct 26, 2014 21:26:55 GMT
I don't think people realize they are suppoosed to respond to invitations. They just don't get it anymore.I have family who will NEVER respond to any invitation, because they think I'm supposed to know that of course they'll be there, ie, silence = attending. I have friends who don't respond if they can't go, ie silence = not attending. I can't win!
It's rude not to respond to even a casual invitation.
People get embarrassed when the answer is "I can't afford that right now." Maybe others didn't like the no males thing, if you don't regularly have Girls Nights.
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Deleted
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Aug 18, 2025 21:44:52 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 26, 2014 21:29:05 GMT
I also get that people have busy lives. I also wonder how someone can NOT ANSWER and not consider it rude? Too many times I know my invitations were given "maybes" in hopes of getting better offers. I finally decided these were not my friends. I no have friends who will be honest and say, "That's not something I'm interested in, but thanks!" or "No, I already know that's a date where I'm committed elsewhere." {{{{ hugs }}}} I don't think is a matter of a "better" offer but a matter of scheduling other obligations that may not have the same time window. When I had teens in the house I couldn't say "yes" three weeks out to anything. I didn't know if they would end up in a higher level tournament for their activities or not, or have their carpool fall apart, of have the h's work schedule suddenly change (he didn't work a 9-5 M-F type of job) when they were younger than teens finding a sitter could be a pain. In my case, I learned more than once that it *was* an issue of waiting to see if a better offer came a long. And why couldn't you schedule something 3 weeks out? Is your schedule not important that it must always be kept open JUST IN CASE a teenager might get something come up on their schedule at the same time? Having kids little is one thing...babysitters are hard to get. But teenagers? My need to occasionally get out with friends is just as important as anything that *might* come up in the teenagers schedule. I'm weird that way  ETA: IF that's how you live your life, then so be it...answer no. So the person offering the invitation can move forward. Based on what I "know" about you voltagain, you would probably do that...which is better than no answer at all. |
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Post by chaosisapony on Oct 26, 2014 21:30:28 GMT
I'm sorry your friends let you down. I have been in your shoes many times and it sucks. It really makes you feel like you must like the people way more than they like you.
One of my good friends invited 6 people over to her house two weeks in advance to just have dinner and catch up since her husband wasn't going to be home. Of the 6 only 3 people could come. Two of those people coming called her 20 minutes before we were all to meet up and said that they weren't coming. It just left me. My friend called me and told me if I still wanted to come over it was fine but for all intents and purposes her "party" was cancelled. She sounded near tears, I felt so bad for her because I have been there. It really sucks to feel like you have no friends.
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Post by myboysnme on Oct 26, 2014 21:32:10 GMT
I have had this scenario more times than I care to recall. It does hurt and it has made me rethink the friendship in that people I thought I was really close with I'm probably not. I no longer try to organize groups of people anymore.
If I was you at this point in my life I would ask one friend to dinner, my treat, and if they could not come, then ask another. Your friends may have thought that others were coming, or they didn't have the money right now, or that the timing was bad being Sunday night. Like at my house the Eagles are on and I'm afraid my husband will have a coronary, and Boardwalk Empire series finale is tonight, so I'd be a no.
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Deleted
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Aug 18, 2025 21:44:52 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 26, 2014 21:36:05 GMT
I thought about this some more. I also came to realize that these friends were in different places in their live than I was. Their families did thing differently from how we did them. In the end the friendship wasn't a good fit. I'm now engaged in friendships were our way of living is similar...our kids are in similar stage of life. And I started these friendships asking they be honest with me. If you can't make it, just say that. I'm much happier knowing than having to keep asking and guessing. Thankfully, my current group of friends likes to be treated the same way and it works for us.
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Post by cindyupnorth on Oct 26, 2014 21:46:25 GMT
Ohhhhh..sorry. No clue how I came up with she invited couples. HA..sooooorry.
But back to the OP. Soo..I don't even get why she is there. If it's no spouses involved in anything, why is she even there? it's sort of like..saying HEY!! I get to stay here...and I'm bored with no dh so come to dinner with me. Vs doing something any other time just to get together with friends.
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Post by lucyg on Oct 26, 2014 21:48:12 GMT
I don't think people have to "prove" their friendship by showing up whenever you (we) invite them to something. Everyone has different wants, needs, and obligations pulling on them, and no one else gets to decide for them whether this particular event is the one they need to focus on at this particular moment.
BUT that doesn't excuse the rudeness of not responding at all, not giving you a definitive answer within a reasonable amount of time, or cancelling at the last minute without a really good excuse.
I don't mind when my friends are too busy to get together, but I would resent it like crazy if they couldn't be bothered to let me know or skipped out at the last minute.
ETA to the OP, d'oh, I forgot to say I'm sorry your friends disappointed you. It sounds like such a nice place. Hope you have a really good time without them.
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Post by cmpeter on Oct 26, 2014 21:48:17 GMT
I totally get that friends might be busy and have conflicts. But, you still owe it to the friend invites you to give them a yes or no.
I invited a friend and her daughter to a concert three weeks ago. She responded yes and said how excited they were. Last week I emailed her to confirm the time we would leave. She acted like she had no clue and when I reminded her of the date she said she had another commitment. Blech on her!
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mallie
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Post by mallie on Oct 26, 2014 21:56:55 GMT
I am sorry you are hurt.
Honestly, I think their behavior is the norm today. People give very little consideration to others. Even being polite is too much to ask, apparently.
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Post by annabella on Oct 26, 2014 22:07:37 GMT
I'm sorry! That really sucks the way they treated you. Be sure to post photos on facebook to show what a great day you're having! lol
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Post by epeanymous on Oct 26, 2014 22:23:13 GMT
I am really sorry. I realized a few months ago that I am that friend. I have been so focused on my job and my kids and my home life generally (my parents moved here two years ago and dh's parents have had a lot of issues we've needed to deal with) that I have let my friendships lag and have acted like your friends have acted here. I don't want to admit that I am doing it so I don't answer invites immediately or I commit tentatively and back out at the last minute. I feel terrible about it and have been making a project out of saying (and following through on) yes.
So maybe your friends are in that position. I think a lot of us turn inward and homeward when life gets busy and stressful and we blow off people we care about.
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back to *pea*ality
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Not my circus, not my monkeys ~refugee pea #59
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Jun 25, 2014 19:51:11 GMT
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Post by back to *pea*ality on Oct 26, 2014 23:43:32 GMT
Everyone has a busy life. To not take 30 seconds to text or email, sorry can't join you, have a nice time - is rude and inconsiderate. Sorry your feelings are hurt, maybe it's time to reevaluate these relationships.
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gorgeouskid
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by gorgeouskid on Oct 27, 2014 2:41:09 GMT
So I'm done with the dinner by myself- totally delicious, their loss, and now some of the invitees are coming for lunch tomorrow or dinner tomorrow tonight. So we can make it work on another schedule.
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gorgeouskid
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by gorgeouskid on Oct 27, 2014 2:42:08 GMT
I just figured that inviting 5-7 to dinner one night would get me at least one yes.
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gorgeouskid
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by gorgeouskid on Oct 27, 2014 2:43:40 GMT
And I'm sitting on the balcony overlooking the Pacific Ocean with a great glass of Pinot Noir and a yummy terry cloth robe.
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Post by freecharlie on Oct 27, 2014 2:47:19 GMT
Is it very expensive? While typically I am all for getting together with friends, I am not a fancy place kind of gal. Steakhouse? Yes please. Something with French food or seafood on the menu? No thank you.
Also, it is the end of the month. If they only get paid once a month, that could be it...until you mentioned lunch.
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gorgeouskid
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by gorgeouskid on Oct 27, 2014 2:50:45 GMT
It was dinner, but I made it clear in my invite that dinner was "on me." But we all have our own schedules. It works out okay, so I can see one or two friends over a few days rather than all of them on one night. Makes my stay more fun.
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