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Post by kokomo on May 5, 2020 1:10:56 GMT
Hi Friends , I read this board daily but don’t often post. I generally think of myself as a very strong person, but can be emotional at times . I am a partially retired RN , but I did apply for a full time job and had 2 great interviews to work for a drug company, which is now on hold because of COVID . So that is a wait and see situation until they start hiring again My BIL who was 57 as been in ill health on/0ff for the last 15 years with Crohn’s disease. A year ago he was diagnosed with cancer and passed away 10 days ago in the hospital. My soon to be 95 yr old mom tested positive for COVID-19 3 weeks ago. She did not have any signs or symptoms. Do to her dementia she became resistive to eating and drinking 10 days ago and passed away peacefully a week ago Sunday. One of my sisters and I were dressed in full PPE and were with when she passed.Funeral staff will not come in and up to the floor in the nursing home . My sister and I had the privilege of taking her down to the hears
I am struggling with grieving for our mother and trying to help my younger sister. It angers me that they had had little to none discussion about his health and possible death. She didn’t know up till 24 hrs before he passed if he wanted to be buried or cremated. She has no idea where the will is. We have offered to help her with planning but she keeps saying “it’s ok” . She hasn’t written an obituary nor order flowers and the small service is tomorrow afternoon. my other sister and I are going but mostly likely will spend the time social distancing in the car park with our masks on as it has not been 14 days since we were with our Mom who was positive for COVID .He didn’t have many friends nor does my 19 yr old nephew, so no friends of his are going to support him at the service
I feel I can’t take much more emotionally yet feel sad I feel so mad at my sister for ignoring the things that need to be done that are not being done. I am a fixer! So yes, I feel that not much is being done for her late husband who she says she doesn’t know how she is going to live without him. She has always worked full time and hopes to be able to keep her house. She loves her neighbours .
To top it off I get a call from my son today that his dad, my ex husband was found unconscious in his apartment and is in ICU on a ventilator! I feel so bad for my kids. Non of them have had a relationship with their dad in 15; years and only see him 2 to 3 times a year. My son is POA and my ex has no assets. I feel for my son who will have to deal with all this and his Dad was a hoarder on top of it all. How do you even get rid of his belongings in this time of COVID. Is there a way that social services can take responsibility for disposing of his belongings. Is there an agency or someone I can hire to help them out. My son did not know he was POA. I am not saying there is no love there but it definitely was very strained relationship that they had with them. I feel for everyone going thru deaths during COVID but 2 and maybe 3 is alot I will share I live in Ontario in case any peas know of agency to help out in these trying times
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Post by ntsf on May 5, 2020 1:17:54 GMT
hugs... nothing I can suggest. but be kind to yourself.. remember not every problem is yours.. and hugs and more hugs.
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Post by tommygirl on May 5, 2020 1:19:38 GMT
I am so sorry for all the loss you are dealing with right now!
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Post by Really Red on May 5, 2020 1:20:52 GMT
Oh my Lord. You poor pumpkin! You cannot handle all of this! It is literally just too much. I am so sorry for all of your losses. Those would be one thing to handle, but your ex husband on top of that is a lot, and sadly I understand that. I don’t know what the law is in Canada, but there’s always a case manager in the hospital, and case managers can tell you all the options that you have. Your son should be able to talk with the case manager and explain the situation and the case manager will set things in motion. The person I would concern myself with the most is your 19-year-old nephew. I don’t know how old your children are, but maybe one of them can reach out to their cousin. 19 years old is very tough to lose your dad because you’re just starting to be an adult and you’ve spent the prior years probably not having a great relationship. You didn’t mention if your sister had other children, but I hope she does. You should not have to help your sister. What might be helpful is to make a list of all the problems, and everything that is in your purview to be able to handle or help. And then make sure you say no to everything else. You have an enormous plate of poo in front of you. Take care of yourself first and then do a little bit for everybody each day. I am so sorry.
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Post by Lexica on May 5, 2020 1:23:27 GMT
I am so sorry that you are dealing with so much all at once. My condolences on the loss of you mom and BIL.
When my ex fiancé’s mom died, we drove to her state and my ex chose what he wanted to keep. He then called an auction service who came to her home and took everything that was left. Everything. They held public auctions every weekend with a mix of all sorts of items from multiple people. After the auction you were given the option to go and pick up anything remaining or instruct them to just go ahead and donate it to wherever. Since we lived several states away, he asked them to just donate anything that did not sell. He was mailed a check with an itemized list of how much everything sold for. They seemed to group things into larger lots for the smaller things and sold furniture as sets. I don’t know if there is a service like this where your ex lives, but it would be worth calling around. Of course, with Covid, who knows if these places are still operating. Again, I’m so sorry for all that is going on in your life.
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Post by ntsf on May 5, 2020 1:24:22 GMT
hugs... nothing I can suggest. but be kind to yourself.. remember not every problem is yours.. and hugs and more hugs.
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Post by drummergirl65 on May 5, 2020 1:24:41 GMT
My condolences for your many losses! You have so much on your plate. Can you contact the hospital where your Ex passed? They may be able to connect you with some social services. I don't know how old your son is but it may give him a direction of how to start the process. If you can, try to get some exercise and deep breathing. I'm a Christian so I find comfort in prayer and my faith group. Can you connect with friends for some emotional support?
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scrapngranny
Pearl Clutcher
Only slightly senile
Posts: 4,763
Jun 25, 2014 23:21:30 GMT
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Post by scrapngranny on May 5, 2020 1:27:32 GMT
That would be a lot for anyone to handle. Allow a day or two to rest and regroup if at all possible. Take care of yourself, you can’t care for anyone else if you are not in good working order. Hugs. I hope the worst is over.
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PLurker
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,744
Location: Behind the Cheddar Curtain
Jun 28, 2014 3:48:49 GMT
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Post by PLurker on May 5, 2020 1:29:37 GMT
My heart is in my throat reading this OP. Put simply, that's too much. I can't even. For now all I have is my sympathies to give. ((hugs))
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Post by pierkiss on May 5, 2020 1:37:00 GMT
Oh my goodness. I am so sorry. This is a WHOLE lot to have on your plate. It’s too much. I am so sorry that all I can offer is virtual hugs and an ear to listen. One day at a time, step by step. Your sister might be in shock from losing her husband, and that’s why she’s not making any big moves. I wouldn’t pressure her. Maybe they really never thought this would happen now, and they didn’t discuss future plans? I’m just so sorry. 😢
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Post by ameslou on May 5, 2020 1:43:32 GMT
I'm sorry Kokomo - that is more heartbreak than any one person should have to grieve at one time. You're a wonderful sister, daughter and mom.
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Post by Chips on May 5, 2020 1:51:07 GMT
I am so sorry senfing you love and hugs.
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snyder
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,958
Location: Colorado
Apr 26, 2017 6:14:47 GMT
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Post by snyder on May 5, 2020 1:52:39 GMT
Oh wow! So much on your shoulders. I will say a prayer for strength to get through this rough road and eventually reach peace. Be easy on sister, some people just do not plan or always think there is a tomorrow. Nothing can be done now, but a one day at a time approach. After the funeral, maybe sit with her and make a to do list and just tackle what can be done each day until she is at a place where she will be okay. I'm with pp that mentioned the auction house. I think they take a big chunk like 40%, but at least is is not your son's headache. If the dad does not recover, be sure to have son get a good amount of death certificates as you will need one for everything; utilities, cars, house, insurance, phone, etc. Here in our state, it is cheaper to order them at time of death instead of going back later to request more. As you navigate the days ahead, the Peas are a superb bank of knowledge and can assist and support you on almost any topic you need help with. Bless your heart. {{{Hugs}}}
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Post by MichyM on May 5, 2020 3:01:10 GMT
Oh my gosh. I am so sorry, it’s no wonder that you’re feeling overwhelmed. Sending warm and kind thoughts as you navigate all this.
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Post by librarylady on May 5, 2020 3:05:33 GMT
Oh,my! That is all overwhelming indeed.
All I can do is send virtual hugs.
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Post by bc2ca on May 5, 2020 3:18:40 GMT
I'm overwhelmed just reading your post. And so sorry this is all hitting you at once.
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Post by papersilly on May 5, 2020 3:33:55 GMT
Wow, you have been through so much recently! I hope you find help and resources to help you with the ex and whatever else you are dealing with. I hope things settle down for you soon.
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Post by calgaryscrapper on May 5, 2020 3:51:57 GMT
Here in Alberta there is a toll free number to call to ask for assistance from social assistance. Google: Ontario Office of Public Guardian. Maybe they can help
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Post by tryingtobewise on May 5, 2020 3:52:36 GMT
I am deeply sorry for your losses and the ongoing stress. You 100% deserve any nice thing or treat you can think of for yourself right now. Hang in there!
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used2scrap
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,036
Jan 29, 2016 3:02:55 GMT
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Post by used2scrap on May 5, 2020 3:58:23 GMT
I am very sorry for your losses and all you are dealing with.
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Post by elaine on May 5, 2020 4:00:59 GMT
(((Hugs))). That is too much for one person to deal with. I wish I was familiar with the way things are done in Canada.
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Post by paperaddict on May 5, 2020 4:06:00 GMT
Hugs. I'm so sorry for all your losses. Your sister may be overwhelmed right now and just doesn't know what to do. She is also in the grieving process. Losing a loved one is hard in "normal" times but with everything with the pandemic...it is extremely hard especially making funeral plans. Many families do what is "needed" and have memorial services at a later time. I am devastated by the huge losses of lives in our nursing homes to COVID-19 in Canada. We need to do better for our older loved ones.
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Post by malibou on May 5, 2020 4:07:04 GMT
I'm so sorry for your losses. It's a lot to be dealing with during normal times let alone right now. Wishing you peace in the coming days.
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pancakes
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,993
Feb 4, 2015 6:49:53 GMT
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Post by pancakes on May 5, 2020 4:13:55 GMT
Oh man — I feel for you. This is so much to take on, even without COVID looming.
I think you should focus on helping your son. Even though I’m sure you don’t want to have the burden of your ex’s estate, your son likely is the least prepared for this unusual situation. How old is he? Never too old to have mom help, I’m sure.
And I’d try to offer emotional support to your nephew. You have every right to be perturbed at your sister, but she’s an adult and can handle it, especially if she should have been more prepared.
So sorry about your mom. Don’t forget to take care of yourself, too.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 19, 2024 15:13:44 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 5, 2020 4:17:54 GMT
Oh, no wonder you are feeling overwhelmed! That's such an awful lot to have to hurt through, especially right now. I hope other Canadian Peas can offer some guidance. Please take care of yourself ((hugs))
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 19, 2024 15:13:44 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 5, 2020 4:29:39 GMT
Hugs.
Pm me about cleaning up the hoarding.
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on May 5, 2020 7:10:38 GMT
I have no advice, but offer lots of (((Hugs)))
I'm so sorry for your loss.
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Post by gar on May 5, 2020 9:12:33 GMT
I'm so sorry you're dealing with so much, truly that is too much.
I think you need to make sure you don't take on board your sister's problems too much. She is a grown up and she will get through it. Does she have other children - I'm guessing not - so she and her son will have to pull together, they will support each other.
It sounds harsh perhaps but you cannot worry for everyone or solve everything. Maybe concentrate on your son for now and give yourself the space to grieve fro your mother.
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Post by Alexxussss on May 5, 2020 10:18:38 GMT
I’m sorry I don’t know of any way to help but to offer my ears to listen and arms for a virtual hug. I’m so sorry for all you’re going through. We’re here for you.
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Post by jeremysgirl on May 5, 2020 10:19:59 GMT
I'm so sorry for your losses. Losing your mother is so sad. And then the other two on top of it put a strain that you don't need right now. Is it possible just to out everything sort of on hold right now? To just give you and your kids some time to gather and figure out a plan of attack on these things as well as just he allowed to grieve for a bit?
I'm sending my prayers. And my hugs. I'm so sorry.
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