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Post by SweetieBugs on May 25, 2020 14:59:32 GMT
My DH fell from a ladder 10 days ago and passed yesterday. It was the most horrible 10 days of my life and as a parent, my grief has been strongest for my kids and what they have lost. I made a huge mistake in living like we had forever. We had 25 years but that wasn't nearly long enough. I leaned on him in ways I didn't even realize until he was gone. He maintained and fixed everything around the house, with the cars, computers, everything.
In both my DH's and my family, there hasn't been a loss is a long, long time. All four of our parents are still alive as well as siblings and spouses. We knew we were very fortunate.
I could really use advice on things I should know about the cremation process and what my primary and then secondary tasks should be.
DH and I both talked about what we would want (more like what we didn't want) several times so I know we will have him cremated, no casket viewing or elaborate service at a mortuary. I'll eventually get an urn that feels fitting and keep most of his ashes there. My children, 22 and 23, would both like to eventually spread some of his ashes in special places to them (Santa Barbara beach/ocean and possibly a remote hiking trail in central California--I'm only thinking of a few tablespoons at most).
Is it legal to spread ashes on public property (I'm thinking not)?
Because of COVID and just needing time to get over this initial shock and exhaustion, I'm not planning a memorial for probably two to three months maybe.
I seem to remember reading to make sure to get XXX number of death certificates? I can't remember what the rough number is? I assume I'll need these for life insurance, filing with DH's employer to hopefully see if I will get some of his retirement (he is a CA state worker and has the CAPERS retirement and I know there are spouse survivor benefits and he reached 25 years but I'm not sure that if he dies while still working if I will get that benefit (it is reduced quite a bit and he didn't get as high in the %%% table as he wanted).
Due to the distance between family and friends, I am on my own here and could really use some advice.
What type of tasks should I be prioritizing?
Getting death certificates Filing for his life insurance Researching his retirement benefits Do I need to notify the banks right away? Pretty much all our accounts were in both of our names but he is primary on many. Car insurance Do I have to notify Social Security? Do I have to take him off the house deed right away? Car registrations and ownerships? Utilities Cancel his bank cards
My head is reeling.
If you've reached this far, thank you for reading. My DH left behind two wonderful kids, a loving family and a huge, huge circle of incredible friends, admiring coworkers and good neighbors. He was the type that never, ever met a person he couldn't make a friend and still talked daily on the phone to his core group of friends he grew up with.
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Post by Skellinton on May 25, 2020 15:02:00 GMT
I have no information for you, but just wanted to tell you how very sorry I am.
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Post by snowsilver on May 25, 2020 15:02:33 GMT
Oh My Dear Girl! I am so, so sorry. You dear thing. I don't have any good advice, but just need to say that my heart is hurting for you. What a shock and how terrible for you and the family. God go with you through this.
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Post by stampnscrap1128 on May 25, 2020 15:02:39 GMT
I am heartbroken for your family and you, SweetieBugs. I will leave the advice giving to those Peas who have gone through this. I will instead offer my deepest condolences and sending you hugs and love. I'm so, so sorry.
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Post by peano on May 25, 2020 15:03:51 GMT
Gosh, I’m so very sorry about your DH. I don’t have knowledge of these things but I know you’ll get good advice here. It’s just so unfair you have to deal with all this right now. My thoughts are with you and your family.
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Post by tenacious on May 25, 2020 15:04:51 GMT
I could not read and run-I am so Incredibly sorry for your loss!! I lost my dad suddenly 8 years ago, and we are still dealing with it as a family. I am sorry you are having to deal with all the practicals in your time of grief, that is really one of the hardest things. I will try and come back later and add some things that helped for us. In the mean time, I am so, so, sorry.
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johnnysmom
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,682
Jun 25, 2014 21:16:33 GMT
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Post by johnnysmom on May 25, 2020 15:04:58 GMT
No advice but I am so, so sorry for your loss 😢
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Post by elaine on May 25, 2020 15:05:19 GMT
Oh my. What a terrible shock. I don’t have any advice about the cremation process, but wanted to share with you how sorry I am for your loss. 😢
May his memory be a blessing.
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artbabe
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,034
Jun 26, 2014 1:59:10 GMT
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Post by artbabe on May 25, 2020 15:06:50 GMT
I am so very sorry. I can ask my dad about all of those things- he handled all of it when mom passed. I'm guessing you'll get your answers by the time I get back on here, though.
This breaks my heart.
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Post by drummergirl65 on May 25, 2020 15:08:44 GMT
Oh I'm so sorry for your loss! What a shock. I don't have any advice, but I couldn't just read and run.
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Post by whipea on May 25, 2020 15:08:47 GMT
So sorry for your loss. You may want to start by reaching out to the hospital social worker or you may want to consult an attorney. Again, sorry for your loss.
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Post by KikiPea on May 25, 2020 15:09:08 GMT
I have no words of advice, but I am so, so sorry for your loss. Many prayers for your family during this time.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 10, 2024 1:02:19 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 25, 2020 15:11:08 GMT
I am so sorry.
You need at the very least 24 death certificates. We ran out with 36.
Do you have a lawyer? A will? You need a probate attorney. The attorney will walk you through all the rest.
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wellway
Prolific Pea
Posts: 8,764
Jun 25, 2014 20:50:09 GMT
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Post by wellway on May 25, 2020 15:11:47 GMT
I'm so very sorry, sending hugs across the pond.
On a practical note, and not knowing the American system, I would think the death certificate will be required to action changes in many other things.
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Post by yodutchess on May 25, 2020 15:12:29 GMT
I don’t have any advice, but I am so sorry for your loss. My condolences to you and your children.
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anniebeth24
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,544
Jun 26, 2014 14:12:17 GMT
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Post by anniebeth24 on May 25, 2020 15:16:34 GMT
Oh my, I am so very sorry to hear this. I am unable to offer guidance for the processes you'll need to undertake but will pray that the paperwork goes smoothly and is not a heavy burden as you grieve.
Hugs to you.
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cakediva
Drama Llama
Making the world a sweeter place one cake at a time!
Posts: 7,431
Location: Fergus, Ontario
Jun 26, 2014 11:53:40 GMT
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Post by cakediva on May 25, 2020 15:17:54 GMT
I’m so sorry for your loss. Hugs to you and your family.....
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Post by christine58 on May 25, 2020 15:19:38 GMT
SweetieBugs The funeral home will be a great help. They were to my mom when my dad died. They will contact SS, know how many Death Certs to get. Some places will take a copy. Do you have a lawyer?? Did he have a will?? I know someone mentioned 36 death certificates but I don’t think that’s the norm. We had five and most places took copies and didn’t need originals. But again the funeral home where you’re having him cremated is going to have 99.9% of the answers for you. A lawyer will help you with the life insurance, retirement benefits etc. My mom put the car registration in her name and the lawyer took care of it. Car insurance was taken off his car and then put in her name with our local rep. We did not change any utilities because they’re being paid and they don’t care who’s paying them or whose name is on the account as long as they are paid. Most utility companies will charge you to also change them over into your name so don’t do that just yet. You can notify the bank but my parents had theirs already set up so that they both had complete access to each others accounts which has helped tremendously. But again...don't do anything moneywise without consulting your lawyer. My best advice since I've been helping my mom through this is to rely on the funeral home director and lawyer. They have been down this road many times. I am so very sorry for your loss. We have yet to bury my dad's ashes or have a party (his desire) and hope to in July.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 10, 2024 1:02:19 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 25, 2020 15:20:32 GMT
I am so sorry for your loss.
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Post by malibou on May 25, 2020 15:20:32 GMT
I am so very sorry for your unexpected loss.
My dad is trying very hard to die, so I checked to see how many death certificates we would need to order. Seems most people recommend 3 dozen copies, as everyone will want one.
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Post by scrapmaven on May 25, 2020 15:20:36 GMT
I'm truly sorry for the loss of your wonderful dh. May his memory be for a blessing to all who knew him.
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on May 25, 2020 15:21:23 GMT
I am so sorry for your loss.
Big ((((Hugs))))
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scrappyesq
Pearl Clutcher
You have always been a part of the heist. You're only mad now because you don't like your cut.
Posts: 4,029
Jun 26, 2014 19:29:07 GMT
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Post by scrappyesq on May 25, 2020 15:21:59 GMT
I am so sorry for your loss.
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Post by Darcy Collins on May 25, 2020 15:23:14 GMT
I'm so very sorry for your loss. The mortuary company will typically handle ordering copies of the death certificate for you. You'll need quite a few as many companies will not take a copy - I'd order 20 unless you have a ton of different accounts.
You really don't need to rush to handle the paperwork. Be kind to yourself and slowly work through removing him. If you're comfortable sharing your state, it might help get more specific guidance regarding need for probate, lawyers etc. It varies tremendously by state.
ETA sorry - I hadn't finished my coffee and didn't notice that you said he was a CA worker so we can assume he lived in CA. With housing prices in CA, it'll be tough to avoid probate unless you had set up a trust beforehand. You're probably going to want an attorney's help.
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Post by grammadee on May 25, 2020 15:23:28 GMT
I am so sorry. You need at the very least 24 death certificates. We ran out with 36. Do you have a lawyer? A will? You need a probate attorney. The attorney will walk you through all the rest. So sorry to hear of your loss. ITA with @megmc 's advice above. Only thing I would add is to use all the services offered by the mortuary. I see christine58 already mentioned them. They should be able to provide you with all the documents you need. They were invaluable in helping us deal with all the other details after the loss of dh's parents.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 10, 2024 1:02:19 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 25, 2020 15:23:43 GMT
I'm so sorry for your loss.
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QueenoftheSloths
Drama Llama
Member Since January 2004, 2,698 forum posts PeaNut Number: 122614 PeaBoard Title: StuckOnPeas
Posts: 5,955
Jun 26, 2014 0:29:24 GMT
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Post by QueenoftheSloths on May 25, 2020 15:24:05 GMT
My thoughts are with you at this painful time. I hope you can find some comfort in these difficult days.
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Post by pjaye on May 25, 2020 15:24:06 GMT
I am so sorry for the loss of your dear husband, what a horrible time for you. You have my deepest sympathies. Being in another country I don't know if things are similar to here or not...but one piece of advice my mother got when my father died was to go and transfer/withdraw money from their shared accounts because once banks found out about the death any bank accounts with his name on them would be locked until the will was finalised. That turned out to be true here - and it took about 3 months for all of their joint assets to be transferred into my mothers name. Other people may know more about it, but perhaps make sure you have enough money in your name/bank account in case that scenario is likely for you. There are probably lists of what to do online, here is one I found
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Post by alsomsknit on May 25, 2020 15:24:34 GMT
I am so sorry for your loss. ((((Hugs))))
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Post by cindyupnorth on May 25, 2020 15:24:36 GMT
I have no advice, but wanted to say I'm sorry!
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