Need Suggestions for DH's Memorial. Don't know what to do

Did you work with the funeral home because they might have some ideas of what you can do? We had a religious service for my sister but my mother we had sort of just a peaceful, lots of pretty music kind of thing. Whatever you do it will be perfect.

You don't *have* to do a memorial or a celebration or anything. My siblings and I didn't plan to do anything upon our Mother's death - her grandchildren were the ones who really wanted something done.
If you feel you have to do something - it can be a simple gathering -- you would say something then you can open it up to anyone who wanted to say something. Then give them wine and cheese.

The funeral director and my mom’s church really helped a lot with my mom’s. We’ve gone to others that weren’t religious and that were more of a low key celebration of life. They had music that was meaningful to the family, several people were organized to go up and say a few words about the person, and just some time for people to walk around and talk to each other. Often times if a non religious service is wanted it can be held at the funeral home. Again, I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ve been keeping your family in my thoughts.

I did what my husband wanted, and it was right for him. Neither of us being at all religious, there was no service of any kind. It was a Celebration of Life, and there were no speeches or formal pieces at all. It was more akin to a visitation, except that I opted not to have his ashes there. My friends did most of the work for poster boards with pictures and quotes. I used quotes from people (without their names) from the wonderful emails we got during the last couple weeks of his life. My friends harvested the seeds from the ornamental peppers he loved and packaged and labeled them and we had them available, asking people to plant peppers in his honor (this was actually what my husband had planned "just in case.")

There were two DVDs we played, with music and old videos from his teenage years, made with his oldest friends. He told me which ones to look for, that he wanted played.

It was held at the funeral home, which sits on the site of the old bowling alley where he and his friends hung out a lot when young, and more than one person commented on how appropriate that turned out to be.

It was three hours in the afternoon, so not during a time when the funeral home would be doing services and burials; those are typically in the morning. We had them set up the room with couches and a mix of chairs and not rows like a formal event. I wasn’t planning on a formal line of any kind, but people arrived and all wanted to speak to me so a line did form very quickly. Family and close friends were there for the whole time but others came and went like a visitation or wake.

You do NOT have to have people speak. It can be more of an open house format if you want.

I'm so very sorry about your loss, SweetieBugs.

We did one for my former MIL. At the funeral home they had an urn of ashes and each of her kids stood, said a little something about her, and put one or two things into the urn as mementos. (She loved eating chocolate, for example, and liked Broadway shows, so they put in some chocolate candy and a Playbill.) Here is where you could include a quote he loved or that makes you think of him if you want. Even something a little funny if you are in the mood for that.

After everyone spoke and put their mementos into the urn, the family processed to the cemetery. They asked me to make a little speech, (eulogy, whatever,) which I did. I talked about my relationship with and memories of her as a reflection of her life, and I included a song at the end by playing something from my phone, a song she and her husband had loved. I thanked everyone for coming and allowing me to be a part of it, and that was it. The urn of ashes was buried.

I hope some of that helps you with your planning. We just kind of made it up ourselves, so I have no idea if there is some traditional way to do it. I think I would want a service for me to reflect who I am - so the most important thing is to do what you feel honors him in that way. I hope you will let us know what you decide.

This is what we are doing...my dad was cremated and his ashes will be buried in July at the Catholic Cemetery. It will be attended by whoever my mom decides to have there. When he died in January, my brother opened his house and many friends/family came then.


After his ashes are buried, that same day we are having (hopefully) a Celebration of Life where he asked us to do it. There will be finger food and some drinks. We expect people will not stay the entire time---again all of this is up in the air due to COVID. My nieces are doing a picture board, my cousins will set up their small impromptu band. It will be a celebration...If COVID does not allow this to happen, not sure what we will do because we can't keep putting it off.

You could do a private service at the funeral home. Do what you feel comfortable with. There's no right or wrong. What do your kids think?

Myself and my brothers are not religious. When our mom passed last year we invited friends of mom and family for a celebration of her life. We had pics of her on the TV via slide show. We had food and snacks. We had a wonderful turn out. We all just talked about mom. It was beautiful.

You don't have to do one - it's okay to say there isn't going to be a memorial or even the memorial will be private (and private can be just you)

If you DO want to do something - it can simple

When one of my SILs died - we hosted an open house - some easy food (a tray of lunchmeat from the grocery deli, a tray of cookies, and a bag of rolls plus soda/coffee is more than sufficient - that's what we did for the after funeral gathering for my mum - for my SIL, I made ham and sides but that was my gift to my niece and nephew). People came and went, they shared memories and hugs and offered condolences. Just a gathering to remember...

What would would help YOU and your kids? Would it help to have people gather around and share memories? Would it be more comfortable for you and your kids to do something just you guys (plant a tree, gather somewhere meaningful, do an activity that is right for you guys?) There's no one right choice and whatever you decide will be the right choice for YOU.

((((Hugs))) and prayers

And depending on where you live---you may not have much of a choice due to Covid. YOU do what you want..not what his friends want.

You know what, if they are that invested they can arrange one.  This is just going to add to your burden at a really stressful time for you.  It is OK to tell them you are not intending to organize one.  No one will think badly of you, and if they do, shame on them.  

You could also say that your husband didn’t want one.  They will have no idea of that is true or not.  I don’t normally suggest lying as a way out (if he never said that), but if it gets you out of this I think it is alright to do so.  It sounds very much like it is not something you want to do, and I can’t say I blame you.  

Take care of yourself.  

Can you ask people to give you pictures and to speak about their relationship with him?

I totally agree with this. I had a colleague that passed away a few years ago. The funeral was 7 hours away so only a few people from work went but with the family's blessing we organised a memorial service of our own. We didn't want to burden them with worrying about us so they were thrilled that we offered to have something. 

This is already a very stressful time for you SweetieBugs that you shouldn't have to be worrying about this if it isn't what you want. Are gatherings of that size even allowed at the moment? You could always use the current situation "my husband did not wish for a memorial service and are honouring his wishes. We acknowledge that his workmates may wish to say their farewells and we would be happy for you to hold your own gathering". 

Do you have access to the fireman’s hall?
And the firehouse Chaplin could help you.

I'm so sorry for your loss, SweetieBugs. I'm sure that people pressuring you about a memorial just makes things harder. It's perfectly OK not to hold a memorial at all if that's your preference, but if you do decide to hold one you should definitely feel free to reach out for help - preferably from people who would be most likely to help you carry out your wishes without trying to impose their own ideas of what should be done.