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Post by donnab on Aug 31, 2020 19:34:32 GMT
I'm in this place also. We've talked about it a couple years ago and still soldiered on. Now it seems inevitable. I'm just so worried about the financial aspect. We had all these plans to travel when we retired. Our house would be paid off and we would be FREE! Now, I'm 50 years old and will be divorced. I'll have to sell the house we've been in for 20 years and have barely enough money to save each month. I forsee never traveling overseas again. It's not a bad divorce-we've just grown apart. We make the same amount so I will not be getting any extra money. I worry more for retirement funds. There was a stretch there where I did not put anything in my 401k. I was raising the kids and working less hours. I'm sure we can get that evenly divided-but I'm so sad. Even though I know it's for the best. We also help support our disabled daughter so I don't know what we will do about that. I'm so sorry you are going through this. The financial hit was the hardest part for me. We had everything paid off including the house we built in 1994. Now I've had to get a mortgage on it in order to buy him out for half the value (which is more than double what we paid to have it built as we did a lot ourselves and my dad was the contractor). But I didn't want to sell and have to find a smaller cheaper place. Plus all the kids still live with me and it's been their home since they were born. I've come through and figured out most of the finances but it's nothing like before where we could go and do all the time. But for me it's all worth it in the end.
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Post by katyscrap on Aug 31, 2020 19:35:03 GMT
I was in your shoes about 9 years ago. We had been married for 20 years and there was no reason to stay together. We were living like roommates and I wanted a marriage.
It's hard, I'm not going to lie but you CAN do this! We had a yard sale and got rid of a lot of stuff, I got an apartment and we arranged a custody agreement and the lawyers decided on child support. We sold the house.
I am remarried to the love of my life now and I am so blessed that I finally had the courage to end that first marriage to save myself. My ex and I are still good friends.
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Post by mom on Aug 31, 2020 20:23:27 GMT
I'm in this place also. We've talked about it a couple years ago and still soldiered on. Now it seems inevitable. I'm just so worried about the financial aspect. We had all these plans to travel when we retired. Our house would be paid off and we would be FREE! Now, I'm 50 years old and will be divorced. I'll have to sell the house we've been in for 20 years and have barely enough money to save each month. I forsee never traveling overseas again. It's not a bad divorce-we've just grown apart. We make the same amount so I will not be getting any extra money. I worry more for retirement funds. There was a stretch there where I did not put anything in my 401k. I was raising the kids and working less hours. I'm sure we can get that evenly divided-but I'm so sad. Even though I know it's for the best. We also help support our disabled daughter so I don't know what we will do about that. It probably will be hard, but you can do hard things. The money worry is real. I've been there. But you will find ways to make things work. Will you have the same lifestyle as before? Probably not. But you will be happy and that counts for something. Get yourself an attorney and let them worry about the financial side. Someone who will protect you. Just because you make the same amount now does not mean you wont be entitled to something else. Especially since you couldn't put in $ to retirement because you were taking care of kids. Keep your head up. You can do this and we will be here to cheer you on!
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ddly
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,947
Jul 10, 2014 19:36:28 GMT
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Post by ddly on Aug 31, 2020 23:18:34 GMT
Day by day. By the time I separated my ex had me believing my friends didn’t like me. Of corse, that wasn’t true and they were there to support me. My kids were 18 and 20 so I could come and go as I pleased and take people up on invitations to hang out or get dinner. I relied on friends and family and kept busy.
My marriage was not good and I realized that very quickly. I took time to care for myself. I did all the paperwork so that also kept me busy. Our divorce was amicable and we didn’t need a lawyer. I stayed in the house but was at the point where I wouldn’t have been able to keep it for much longer when I met my current husband.
Talk to a lawyer, take care of yourself, keep busy and utilize your support system!
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kelly8875
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,390
Location: Lost in my supplies...
Oct 26, 2014 17:02:56 GMT
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Post by kelly8875 on Sept 1, 2020 12:56:11 GMT
I’ve been divorced 5 years now. It was hard at first. I was definitely in mourning for a couple years about what I thought would be my future, and losing that. Even though at the same time I was very confident that the correct choice was made to divorce. Our kids were 14 and 16 at the time, so at least they were old enough to kind of understand. And now, I know they fully understand and see the difference in their parents.
XDH and I have a weird relationship. We still work together, so I see him all the time. And currently we are working on huge stuff together at work, and we totally get along. But we can compartmentalize work into a different part of our relationship. But when he tries to talk about the kids, sometimes I want to strangle him lol.
Just concentrate on finding yourself. I know it sounds cliche, but you have to. Do things that make you happy. If it’s having cake for dinner, have cake. If it’s going to Target, go to Target. If it’s crying it out, let yourself cry. For me, it was allowing myself to watch tv more. I was so used to running here and there for the kids, that once they could drive themselves, I was kind of lost. I didn’t know what to do with my free time. Now I watch more of my favorite shows, I read more again, I scrapbook more, go for walks, and just enjoy the free time without feeling guilty.
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Post by femalebusiness on Sept 1, 2020 16:34:28 GMT
mimix3 Take it from an old broad, at 46 you are a spring chicken. You won't have any idea how young you were when you divorced until you are way past this. You will do just fine and in fact you will thrive.
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Post by gryroagain on Sept 2, 2020 0:13:19 GMT
I’m 46, and we split up last year. Yes, it was terrifying, especially as I’d followed him around the world for his career for the last 20 years. Our youngest was in her senior year of high school and it seemed like the future was so bright for us...little did I know.
But now a year and a half out, I can see just what a number being married to him did to my confidence and self. He had me convinced I couldn’t survive without him. That I was unattractive amd unloveable. None of that was true- it’s almost every day I see someone and they exclaim how wonderful I look now, because I’m free of him tearing me down. My friends were fucking amazing- and I realized the reason I have these wonderful people in my life is because I am a good friend, and a good person. None of the lies he told me for so long were true.
Yes financially it’s a little hairy. But I’m actually quite content to be poor, it’s him who wanted the suburbs and the picket fence and all that, it was never me. It’s been really hard on our girls, but they are doing ok and while I’m always going to be sad their future is now different I know they will be ok.
Oh and I’m having tons of sex so that’s pretty awesome.
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Post by MalleyCat on Sept 2, 2020 3:27:30 GMT
You must have been really young when you married if you are 46 and were married for 29 years! You are still young and can have fun being single or dating! I would think online dating would be easier. 😉
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