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Post by freecharlie on Aug 3, 2020 1:44:18 GMT
DH and I are updating/completing our wills and other legal documents since I am going back into the classroom and we are slightly stuck on naming a guardian for DD (16).
Right now it is my brother, who just can't be anymore as he already has too much. (Although we won't be telling him this yet as I don't want him to feel bad)
We could (and probably will) name our mothers, but who should be primary and who secondary? Can ds choose if the time comes? My mom is 70, MIL is 73. We can open enroll ds into his current school even if he moves. I think MIL is closer by maybe 5 minutes or so.
Ds (19) just doesn't need the responsibility.
We have some friends/other relatives that could he named and they would be in town, but with him being 16, it is hard to think what would uproot him less.
So who do you have named?
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Post by revirdsuba99 on Aug 3, 2020 1:50:44 GMT
After you have a few choices, give your DD/DS? some input. Also talk to the people involved. Be SURE the grandmothers will not be offended. Make sure there are provision for there to be required visits... Also you can choose someone else to handle the monies or not!
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johnnysmom
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,687
Jun 25, 2014 21:16:33 GMT
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Post by johnnysmom on Aug 3, 2020 1:52:05 GMT
Right now we have my brother. I was just recently thinking we should revisit this as they now have 4 kids, including one who is severely autistic so their hands are full. My mind went opposite of you though, I wonder if we should name ods (19) the guardian of yds (almost 10). It would be a ton of responsibility but I wonder if keeping them together would be best. Idk, we’ll probably just keep it as is for a couple of years.
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Post by mom on Aug 3, 2020 1:54:14 GMT
I would pick the person (between your mothers) who is the healthiest. If your youngest is 16 already, it won't be long before he would bee would be over 18 and not need a guardian.
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Post by freecharlie on Aug 3, 2020 2:02:16 GMT
Right now we have my brother. I was just recently thinking we should revisit this as they now have 4 kids, including one who is severely autistic so their hands are full. My mind went opposite of you though, I wonder if we should name ods (19) the guardian of yds (almost 10). It would be a ton of responsibility but I wonder if keeping them together would be best. Idk, we’ll probably just keep it as is for a couple of years. i go back and forth on his brother (ods). Ds is 16 and a junior, so he is pretty self sufficient and both sets of grandparents are within 30 minutes and have always been very involved in their lives. I personally lean toward my mother, but I wonder if that is fair. MIL is wonderful. FIL can be a selfish ass which is part of the reason I lean toward my mom. Neither house is bigger than the other. MIL has diabetes. My mom has macular degeneration and can't drive at night (whish doesn't matter now that ds can drive). Both grandparents own their houses free and clear. My inlaws need to move to a one story as my MIL needs to quit having to go up and down the stairs. Omg so much and just typing it out gives me more and more to think about |
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Post by bc2ca on Aug 3, 2020 2:09:12 GMT
I would ask your DS if he has a preference.
We named close family friends instead of my sister after talking to the kids. Our situation was complicated by the fact we live in the US and everyone we would name as guardians lives in Canada. The kids asked if we could find someone here. Fortunately these friends are also good friends of my sis who would have been first in line.
In addition to a Will, we created a Trust. Even though the kids have aged out of needing a guardian, the friends and my sis are Trustees and would still be looking out for them if anything happened to both DH & I.
FWIW, we never considered naming either set of grandparents.
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Post by bothmykidsrbrats on Aug 3, 2020 2:31:20 GMT
We baptized my DS Catholic, and my sister and BIL are his Godparents. We left the church before DD was born, and asked DH BFF to be her honorary Godmother. They are 22 & 18 now, but still live at home. If something happened to me and DH, his BFF would be moved in, bag and baggage (and 2 dogs to add to our 4), in a hot second, to make sure nothing went sideways.
At 16, I would ask your DD who she would like to live with.
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Post by epeanymous on Aug 3, 2020 2:40:37 GMT
So I am an only child, and my parents are elderly (77 and 88). DH’s parents are in their early 70s and (but?) can’t deal with the kids for more than an hour. His brother and SIL are stretched emotionally with their two and almost didn’t have a second.
I have literally no one to leave the kids with. My oldest leaves for college this fall and the other five range from 5-14. It’s just so many kids. They are really, really good and lovely kids, and I love my life with them, but I have yet to meet a single family member or friend who I think could or would take them.
We just can’t die.
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Post by malibou on Aug 3, 2020 2:57:23 GMT
epeanymous wow, that is a tough situation. Would the eldest be able to step up with guidance from someone? My in-laws are old, and all of our other family is far. We chose very good friends of ours for our son.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Aug 3, 2020 3:27:20 GMT
When my kids his high school, I changed the guardians to family friends who live in the same town. I thought it would be easier to stay in the same school and activities that they were heavily involved in than moving states on top of everything else. They'd asked us years ago as their family is in another country.
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Peal
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,524
Jun 25, 2014 22:45:40 GMT
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Post by Peal on Aug 3, 2020 3:29:06 GMT
OMG, I hated this decision so much. I didn't want any of DH's relatives to be guardians, and I wanted my mom, but not my dad, to be guardian, but then she got dementia. My "plan" was if DH and I went, we were taking the kids with us. I know that isn't a real plan, but it's as far as I could get with it.
Now, I only have one left who is a minor. He has 2 1/2 more years till he is 18 and since oldest DS has graduated college, he could be guardian if it came to it. Still not ideal, but I am comfortable with that.
I hope you can make a decision you are comfortable with.
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hannahruth
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,849 
Location: Adelaide, Australia
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Post by hannahruth on Aug 3, 2020 13:56:42 GMT
When our DD was younger it was my DH’s sister who we asked to take her if necessary. DS was already 18 but he was happy to go with her - they both love her so much and they really get on well together. Fortunately we didn’t have use this option!
I would not name any of the grandparents simply because of their age.
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Post by Linda on Aug 3, 2020 14:16:44 GMT
Our oldest would take on the youngest (13) if need be but he's nearly 29 - it would require him to request a hardship transfer (he's Navy) closer to where we live so he wouldn't have to uproot her. DD20 would take charge in the interium with guidence and help from local friends.
All our parents have already passed as have 4 of DH's siblings. His remaining siblings - neither is suitable. My younger sister would be happy to step in but DD13 barely knows her and she lives out of state and doesn't really have space. My older sister would, I'm sure, be willing but she's lives overseas and has never met any of my kids.
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Post by cindyupnorth on Aug 3, 2020 14:21:21 GMT
When our girls were younger we named my brother. At the time he was single, now he is married with a son, but he would still be our choice. My parents are near their 80s now, but even back then I knew it would be too much for them.
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Post by gar on Aug 3, 2020 14:25:30 GMT
I think it's generally recommended that grandparents are not named simply due to age but as he would only need that legal requirement for a couple of years that may be acceptable. We had 'equal' sisters, so to speak, but chose the one who had the most similar life style, values etc in the end. It can be difficult for sure.
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paigepea
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Post by paigepea on Aug 3, 2020 14:41:33 GMT
When our kids were little we had my mom (then in her late 60s) and it stated she would decide where the girls would go when the time was right (which one of our sisters - mine or Dh’s). The issue is mine is closer to the kids but she lives out of the country while Dh’s lives in our city. We figured they were closest to my mom as babies. Then when the kids grew but were in younger primary school we switched it to my sister. Then when they were in upper elementary we switched it to Dh’s sister because we felt by that point the girls would no longer want to leave their city. I’m very happy with this decision.
At 16 years of age I’d keep him as close to home / regular life as possible.
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Post by *sprout* on Aug 3, 2020 14:59:12 GMT
We named our next door neighbor. He's a completely unconventional choice - single, no kids - but he is the absolute best choice for our dd.
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Post by leannec on Aug 3, 2020 15:00:47 GMT
We chose ex's sister because she lives in our city and is able, with BIL, to give the best care to 17 year old dd#2 ... I'm an only child ... Dd#1 is 21 and is a full time student ... I wouldn't put that responsibility on her ... Both of our mothers have health issues so they would be out ... In your situation I would probably name your older ds as guardian with guidance from the grandmothers  |
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Post by peano on Aug 3, 2020 15:07:58 GMT
This was a decision fraught with anxiety for me. I initially named my brother and SIL, but we became estranged after Sandy Hook and some comments my SIL made at the time. So I quietly took them off and put my nephew and his wife, even though I wasn’t fully comfortable with them either, mainly because if they were forced to step up, just like with my brother and SIL, it would have caused total disruption in DS's life with moving far away, to another part of the country. Now I’m kind of estranged from them too over politics. I had no way of knowing at the time how divisive everything would become under Trump, but in retrospect, knowing what I know now, I might have considered local close friends who are more aligned with DH and my values, and that would have minimized the disruption caused by a long-distance move. I literally breathed a sigh of relief when he turned 18.
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Post by Basket1lady on Aug 3, 2020 15:10:24 GMT
We named my brother. DH’s sister didn’t want more kids in addition to her one, DH’s brother was unsuitable, DH’s parents were already 70, and my dad didn’t want to raise his own kids, much less someone else’s. My brother was a good choice and when he married, we asked them to make sure it was still a good arrangement. It created a special bond over the years and the kids moved in with them in a March when Covid hit and they needed out of the dorm/group apartment.
If your brother would still want to be the guardian, leave it there. You are unlikely to die, your DS is almost of age, and he will likely find the best fit for himself if needed. Another thought would be to declare your oldest the guardian, but your brother controls the money. We have it that way now. My kids are over 21 as of April, but my brother controls our assets until they are 25. Neither need a large pot of money now. They just need to get through university and grad school.
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ginacivey
Pearl Clutcher
refupea #2 in southeast missouri
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Post by ginacivey on Aug 3, 2020 15:47:26 GMT
I think it's generally recommended that grandparents are not named simply due to age that seems awfully generalized we would be the guardians of all four of our grandchildren - 13, 13, 7, and 3 we are both 49 i have friend raising their own, similarly aged, children by the time the youngest is 18 we would be 65 - more than young enough to hang |
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Post by freecharlie on Aug 3, 2020 16:35:31 GMT
We named my brother. DH’s sister didn’t want more kids in addition to her one, DH’s brother was unsuitable, DH’s parents were already 70, and my dad didn’t want to raise his own kids, much less someone else’s. My brother was a good choice and when he married, we asked them to make sure it was still a good arrangement. It created a special bond over the years and the kids moved in with them in a March when Covid hit and they needed out of the dorm/group apartment. If your brother would still want to be the guardian, leave it there. You are unlikely to die, your DS is almost of age, and he will likely find the best fit for himself if needed. Another thought would be to declare your oldest the guardian, but your brother controls the money. We have it that way now. My kids are over 21 as of April, but my brother controls our assets until they are 25. Neither need a large pot of money now. They just need to get through university and grad school. he would still do it, but he is in and out of the hospital with his cancer and they have enough stress. Also, it would mean ds moving from a town of 1500 to Denver as a junior or senior in hs. I can't imagine that transition would be smooth if we were alive let alone if he had just lost us. |
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Post by sam9 on Aug 3, 2020 17:06:17 GMT
It's a few years since we made this decision, but we talked to the boys beforehand. It was actually a very funny and endearing conversation. They were so matter-of-fact about ruling people out - my parents were probably their number one choice for familiarity but said there was no way they wanted to live in a condo, LOL, and they couldn't be sure that they would be willing to move into a house. My sister was a no because her boys are too annoying (very similar in age to mine; I think the competition for attention would be stiff). MIL is alone and not very kid friendly. Ultimately they chose what we had already decided - my husband's brother. He and SIL are just a few years older than us, but their two kids are already in university and college. We thought that that they were the most sensible and stable choice. Plus they are more than willing to take on the responsibility if needed.
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Post by Basket1lady on Aug 3, 2020 17:16:32 GMT
We named my brother. DH’s sister didn’t want more kids in addition to her one, DH’s brother was unsuitable, DH’s parents were already 70, and my dad didn’t want to raise his own kids, much less someone else’s. My brother was a good choice and when he married, we asked them to make sure it was still a good arrangement. It created a special bond over the years and the kids moved in with them in a March when Covid hit and they needed out of the dorm/group apartment. If your brother would still want to be the guardian, leave it there. You are unlikely to die, your DS is almost of age, and he will likely find the best fit for himself if needed. Another thought would be to declare your oldest the guardian, but your brother controls the money. We have it that way now. My kids are over 21 as of April, but my brother controls our assets until they are 25. Neither need a large pot of money now. They just need to get through university and grad school. he would still do it, but he is in and out of the hospital with his cancer and they have enough stress. Also, it would mean ds moving from a town of 1500 to Denver as a junior or senior in hs. I can't imagine that transition would be smooth if we were alive let alone if he had just lost us. Yeah, I can see why he isn’t a good choice. Although he could still be the guardian and live with someone else. Have you asked your DS who he would like to live with? It’s a rough conversion, but he is definitely old enough to have an opinion and a say. Or you could make your oldest the guardian knowing that your younger son would likely live with a grandparent. It does sound like your mom would be the better choice. |
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Post by gar on Aug 3, 2020 17:20:43 GMT
I think it's generally recommended that grandparents are not named simply due to age that seems awfully generalized we would be the guardians of all four of our grandchildren - 13, 13, 7, and 3 we are both 49 i have friend raising their own, similarly aged, children by the time the youngest is 18 we would be 65 - more than young enough to hang Maybe I didn't phrase that quite right. We were told by a couple of solicitors to not automatically name our parents without taking into account their age and health. If someone has older parents, and/or are older parents themselves then it makes sense that it should be taken into account at least. |
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Post by bc2ca on Aug 3, 2020 18:17:39 GMT
I'm been thinking about the process we went through in naming a guardian and we have three named in succession with "first choice, and if they are unable, second choice, and if they are unable, third choice kind of wording". I'm too lazy to grab the paperwork but I'm sure it is template type stuff for an attorney. We named three successive decision makers on everything within the Trust, Will and POA paperwork IIRC. We also asked all the people involved if they were willing to take on the responsibility and let them know our reasons for choosing them. For us it was friends, my sis and dh's sis in order as potential guardians. The hardest conversation was DH telling his sis that she was our third pick. She was surprised and a little hurt but she was fine with it once the reasons were explained. Our kids did specifically ask that we tell both families because they didn't want to get caught in the middle of any Big Fat Greek Custody of the Orphans battle if the worst case scenario happened to DH & I while they were minors. freecharlie , could leave your brother as guardian but add in the second and third picks? As someone else pointed out upthread, being a guardian doesn't mean your son has to move in with them. They may make arrangements for him to live with a friend until he finishes school. |
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ginacivey
Pearl Clutcher
refupea #2 in southeast missouri
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Post by ginacivey on Aug 3, 2020 18:34:46 GMT
Maybe I didn't phrase that quite right. We were told by a couple of solicitors to not automatically name our parents without taking into account their age and health. If someone has older parents, and/or are older parents themselves then it makes sense that it should be taken into account at least. that...does make sense gina |
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Post by anniefb on Aug 3, 2020 18:56:00 GMT
I don't have kids but when my brother and I were growing up my parents named family friends as guardians because they had kids around our age and we didn't have any other family in New Zealand.
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Post by brynn on Aug 3, 2020 20:48:52 GMT
Right now we have my brother. I was just recently thinking we should revisit this as they now have 4 kids, including one who is severely autistic so their hands are full. My mind went opposite of you though, I wonder if we should name ods (19) the guardian of yds (almost 10). It would be a ton of responsibility but I wonder if keeping them together would be best. Idk, we’ll probably just keep it as is for a couple of years. As an only child, I was so glad to turn 18. If my parents would have died before I turned 18, I would have gone to live with a family with different values and traditions from those I was used to. |
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Post by crazy4scraps on Aug 4, 2020 5:16:44 GMT
So I am an only child, and my parents are elderly (77 and 88). DH’s parents are in their early 70s and (but?) can’t deal with the kids for more than an hour. His brother and SIL are stretched emotionally with their two and almost didn’t have a second. I have literally no one to leave the kids with. My oldest leaves for college this fall and the other five range from 5-14. It’s just so many kids. They are really, really good and lovely kids, and I love my life with them, but I have yet to meet a single family member or friend who I think could or would take them. We just can’t die. We are in a similar boat. All of our parents are gone. Siblings are out of the question for various serious reasons. The only one I would truly trust lives out of state which would mean our kid would be totally uprooted if she went with them. We currently have a friend and his wife listed for guardianship but that relationship has soured in recent years so we need to find someone else but most of our friends are older than we are by at least 15 years and/or have significant health issues. Our kid is only ten, which would put them into their 80’s by the time she’s out of college and we don’t think that’s a fair thing to ask of someone who isn’t blood related. DH is kind of pooh-poohing the virus (although he does wear a mask for work, in stores, etc.) and honestly it keeps me up at night worrying about what would happen if she were to bring the virus home from school or if either one of us got seriously ill for an extended time or died. |
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