So your child makes not so good decisions as an older teen..

Unfortunately there really is nothing you can do at this point. You've taught her what you think is right and wrong but it's time for her to choose for herself what she believes. All you can do is love her because no matter what choices or paths she takes in life, she'll always be your baby. 

Great post with some wise words.

I have a 17 year old daughter and she has pretty much been a dream teen - I am not nieve enough to think that there is stuff that she has done that I wouldnt be happy about. I give myself a reality check by reminding myself what I was up to at her age and much earlier!

Most teens will do stupid things, you just have to give them the strong foundation so they are only going to be blips on their life journey.

I can't give you any advice about what to do, but I do know what you are going through.

My own two boys are now in their 30s, but I remember exactly the sorts of things you are describing.  All I can say, is that both my boys turned out to be well-adjusted and productive adults.  There were times through their teenage years (and even early twenties at times) when I really felt a failure as a parent - how could they DO those things.  My very wise aunt told me that all I could do was to trust that the values we had taught them would become important to them as they matured - and sure enough she was right.

Hang in there.  And you know, most people manage to survive even the most horrific life-changing things.  Perhaps your daughter's life might not be what you had imagined and hoped for, but she can live it well anyway.  Or perhaps she will come to her senses' and put these actions behind her. 

And yeah, it is freaking hard, isn't it!  Things were much easier when they were little and they relied on us for everything, weren't they.  Sounds like you're being very sensible to cool off beofre talking to her.   Hang in there. 

I was a dumbasses and made some stupid choices as a teen. It did affect the way my life unfolded, but I landed in a good place. It did take me extra years to do so though.

If these choices are threatening her air force career, I'd find a way to stress that.

She isnt 18 yet, you could take the car and make sure it isnt in her name when she turns 18. Also, I do believe that as long as she is under your roof, she does have to follow the rules.

If it isn't something drastic, then I think you let her fall on her face and learn from it.

Sometimes, very frequently for a teen, the brain is in the "off" position. That's all I've got. I hope, for your sake, the "on" position kicks in.

No advice but wanted to let you know you're not alone. I've BTDT & yes I felt like a failure. I also thought, "oh shit, if she thought THAT was ok, I can't let her out of the house for fear of what OTHER common sense thing I failed to teach her."

We were heartbroken too but luckily it didn't screw up her future, just her summer. At some point they have to deal with the consequences of their actions & figure it out on their own. Being a mom is HARD!! Hugs!

I struggle with this DAILY! There isn't a day that I don't play "what did I do wrong" with my oldest. People tell me it wasn't me ( and I know they are 90% right) but I still feel guilt, failure and remourse because of the choices he has made.

Hugs to you....parenting teenagers is harder than infants (in my opinon)

  

Fast forward 5 years and she will be as different again in all likelihood.

Sometimes they just have to try things for themselves even if you have told them X and Y are not good ideas. Logically they know you're right but they're unthinkingly determined to be independent and to find out for themselves. Sometimes they're just wired that way. You have raised them to think independently and so they are - so they're not just going to take your word for the fact that when you do X the consequences are Y, they're checking to make sure you're right by doing it themselves 
Uksue said it well - as long as the basis of a great upbringing is there......she'll come good I'm sure.

I hope you won't be too hard on yourself. It sounds like many people here share your experience. One of my children caused me grief and tears for many things he did. I kept searching for a reason for his behavior but there really wasn't one connected to things I had or had not done. He had a stable childhood, lots of loving support from myself, my husband, and other relatives, and he also had many advantages that some children don't have. None of that made a difference when he got tangled up with some friends who made terrible choices. He got sucked right in and there was no pulling him back. We let him know we didn't approve of what he was doing, and let him face the very unpleasant consequences of his actions. I think that was key. We didn't bail him out of the trouble he created even when it broke my heart not to do so. When he finally decided to get his life back on track (which was very difficult for him) we set down some guidelines, gave him support, and he turned out to be quite a wonderful young man that we are very proud to call our son. I think my key point here is that you should not blame yourself. Nothing good can come from that. Be firm, be patient, and don't give up hope that all will be well in the end.

I can very much relate. I have a 24 year old, an 18 year old, and a 15 year old. Some of the things I've had to face over the last few years are things I would never have imagined dealing with. I was raised by great parents who loved me and did their best, but they were sort of hands-off parents. I kind of ran a little wild. And even though I would overall describe myself as a good and smart kid, I DEFINITELY did more than my kids have done. I wanted to be a different parent. I loved my kids, but I also very much kept up on what was going on in their lives. We do so much as a family. I've made sure I gave my kids lots of wonderful and loving experiences. I listened to them. I thought I was a good role model. I accepted them and encouraged them. When they were younger they were so easy! They worked hard at school and were polite and loving and good. I truly thought I was going to be one of those parents who escaped teenagedom completely unscathed. I really did. I won't go into details either, but suffice to say, I have not. I've had to face things that have have shocked me and sometimes broken my heart.

All I can say is that I keep in mind that I love them wholly and unconditionally. They love me too. And I know they are good people. I know they are struggling and trying to make their way into adulthood and it's not easy. I am confident they will come out on the other side as good, strong, productive adults. But getting them there--it's a bumpy road. Just keep loving and supporting them, be tough when you need to, but always let them know they're loved. That's really all we can do. Part of the problem I think is that my mom just let me go and trusted I would come out fine on the other hand, which I did. Plus I think she was more naive than I am. She did not have a CLUE about half of what I did. I don't just sit back and trust--I actually look into what's going on. My nosiness has probably made me aware of things that other parents aren't aware of about their kids.

Anyway, good luck mom. You'll all get through this. Stay strong!

Parenting older teens is an exercise in patience, and in re-thinking how you parent. To me, they are like giant toddlers in adult bodies.

My older boy made some crappy choices. What kept me from losing my mind was remembering myself at that age and realizing all the wild child behavior I participated in. It helped me put reasonable consequences in place rather than go old school lock down on him...which at 18 and still in high school, just doesn't work. Sure the boy still lived here, and the bills were paid for him, but at 18 he was an adult and as such had much more freedom. It is a thin line to walk, between parenting expectations and his legal adultness.

There is good news - I was that wild child. Some of my decisions and choices back in those days would probably make your head spin. But because I had good parenting, I did grow out of it. I managed to get a college degree and become a functioning member of society and all that wildness helped shaped who I am now. 

Best I can tell you is try not to control the outcome. Talk, talk and talk some more, but the tighter you pull the reins, the less likely you are to be listened to. I have been reading lately that the military is really tightening up on who they allow in now, and what would have been overlooked even 5 years ago isn't anymore. One statistic I read yesterday was that the Army is predicting that only 3 out of 10 potential recruits is going to make it based on things like weight, test scores and background (which includes drug use and arrest records.) I would take some time to talk to her about her behavior has the potential to derail her desires to join the Air Force...find some articles to back it up so it isn't just coming from you...