sweetpeasmom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,652
Jun 27, 2014 14:04:01 GMT
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Post by sweetpeasmom on Oct 3, 2020 19:02:12 GMT
What are your house rules and how are you enforcing them? DS is 18, graduated. Living at home going to tech school and working full time. We have told him as long as he is moving forward (working, going to class, etc), he can live here rent free. We still pay his truck insurance and his cell phone. He pays for his gas and anything he wants to do. He is always welcome to eat here. Sometimes he does, sometimes he chooses to eat out. Again, he pays for that. Really the only house rules are take the trash out, keep the dishes out of his room, clean the bathroom when it's his turn (shared responsibility with dd) , mow the yard when it's his turn (shared responsibility with dh). As much as I'd like some sort of curfew, we don't have one.
Somethings he does, somethings he doesn't. Now that he is 18, not sure how we enforce rules. Can't really ground him. We could take his truck away but he needs to be able to get to work. I told dh we could always say if he doesn't hold up his end of the bargain, he can pay rent. I don't want to do that because I want him to be able to save his money so when he is done with his classes, he can work on moving out. This is uncharted territory for us. Please be kind.
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Post by ameslou on Oct 3, 2020 19:10:09 GMT
I have a feeling that I will be in your shoes in a year and a half when DD1 graduates from HS.
Is the problem that he’s not pitching in the way you want him to with the basic house maintenance stuff?
Have you done a budgeting exercise with him so he can see what it takes to be able to support himself fully? We did that with DD last summer. She went from feeling pumped bc she had Aaaaalllllll the money to “oh crap, do I eat or do I put gas in the car?”
That’s all I’ve got .. that seeing how much money it takes to live on your own might get through to him.
Otherwise... I feel you Mama. This parenting thing ain’t for the faint of heart.
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Post by ~summer~ on Oct 3, 2020 19:16:21 GMT
So the issue is that he doesn’t always clean the bathroom or mow the lawn? I would agree with letting him know he can either do the chores or pay for his truck.
Though I’m probably not one to ask bc I’m a big softie. If my kid was working and going to school I’d be pretty easy on him (not that that is necessarily the best thing)
I have an 18yo, just graduated and now just started college full time (from home unfortunately since all UCs are remote and online). He does not have a job and I don’t want him to have one necessarily- based on Covid and the work options out there. As long as my kids are in school I pay for basically everything and in return ask that they do well in school and be decent human beings.
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sweetpeasmom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,652
Jun 27, 2014 14:04:01 GMT
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Post by sweetpeasmom on Oct 3, 2020 19:21:34 GMT
I have a feeling that I will be in your shoes in a year and a half when DD1 graduates from HS. Is the problem that he’s not pitching in the way you want him to with the basic house maintenance stuff? Have you done a budgeting exercise with him so he can see what it takes to be able to support himself fully? We did that with DD last summer. She went from feeling pumped bc she had Aaaaalllllll the money to “oh crap, do I eat or do I put gas in the car?” That’s all I’ve got .. that seeing how much money it takes to live on your own might get through to him. Otherwise... I feel you Mama. This parenting thing ain’t for the faint of heart. Yeah. He does the trash when we ask and complains like he always has, so nothing new there. But the bathroom is not getting done. I have been asking him for 3 weeks now (yes I know that's disgusting to let it go that long). Like I said, he works full time and then has class (virtually) M & W from 7-10. T & Th, he pretty much goes out with friends. Same on the weekend. He had a lot of freedoms before. But when it was his turn to do his chores, we had a little more teeth because we could ground him. Also, he has a good bit of my dishes in his room.
He knows how much it would cost to move out. He was hot to do so for the longest time. We tried explaining it to him and then he finally wised up and realized, yeah mom & dad's deal is not so bad.
Dh has offered to finish out the basement so he'd have his own area. Then he'd be responsible for his own bathroom and not much I'd say b/c if he wants to bathe in filth, so be it. But that's not going to happen for a little bit. So in the meantime, I need him to live up to his end of the bargain.
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caangel
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,676
Location: So Cal
Jun 26, 2014 16:42:12 GMT
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Post by caangel on Oct 3, 2020 19:21:57 GMT
Different situation but thought I'd share. My cousin(19) has been living with us for a year. She moved from the Midwest to CA to escape the cold with the plan of establishing residency and going to school. In order to establish residency she has been self sufficient and paying rent. Besides taking care of her own spaces and things we don't require her to do chores. She does work and is happy to help out with things or the kids if we ask, which we rarely do. Prior to the pandemic she did her own grocery shopping. Now I just add things to my cart for her and she eats with us 95% of the time. She doesn't eat much so it isn't an issue.
She is free to come and go as she pleases (which is barely anything right now except to work). My only requirement is that if she is out late or all night that she tell us where she is so that I know where to send the cops if she doesn't come home. She doesn't know many people still so it hasn't been an issue.
We are keeping her rent payments aside and will gift most, if not all, back to her upon graduating college or a similar milestone.
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Post by stingfan on Oct 3, 2020 19:22:02 GMT
Sounds like your leverage at this point is the car insurance and cell phone $.
If he's not helping at home like he's been asked to, then he can start paying more of his bills.
I have a 19yo at home who is a full-time student. We pay for car insurance but she pays for gas, phone, etc. She has household responsibilities - just like everyone else who lives in my house. 😊
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Post by freecharlie on Oct 3, 2020 19:25:01 GMT
For the short time ds lived at home and had a full time job, we had him pay rent and we put it in an interest savings account
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sweetpeasmom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,652
Jun 27, 2014 14:04:01 GMT
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Post by sweetpeasmom on Oct 3, 2020 19:25:16 GMT
So the issue is that he doesn’t always clean the bathroom or mow the lawn? I would agree with letting him know he can either do the chores or pay for his truck. Though I’m probably not one to ask bc I’m a big softie. If my kid was working and going to school I’d be pretty easy on him (not that that is necessarily the best thing) I have an 18yo, just graduated and now just started college full time (from home unfortunately since all UCs are remote and online). He does not have a job and I don’t want him to have one necessarily- based on Covid and the work options out there. As long as my kids are in school I pay for basically everything and in return ask that they do well in school and be decent human beings. Yes. It's been going on 3-4 weeks now that I have been asking him to clean the bathroom.
I'm a big softie too. We want him to be successful when he does move out. I figure same chores he's always had minus curfew is a pretty good deal.
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Post by oliquig on Oct 3, 2020 19:34:07 GMT
I would tell him he does the chores or I stop paying for the phone and the truck will only be available for work. You are a household, everyone does their share.
My nephew (19) goes to school full time, has two part time jobs, and handles most of the garbage (both out to the can, and then to the road,) the cat litter duty, and putting away the dishes.
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Post by belgravia on Oct 3, 2020 19:35:17 GMT
My daughter will be 18 in December. She is a full time university student (engineering) and she lives at home. She’s an excellent student and is putting in a ton of work. It would be impossible for her to have a job while pursuing her studies. She gets allowance from us, we pay for her vehicle and insurance and her cell phone, clothes, etc. Her allowance is used to pay for gas, Starbucks, dinners out with friends, etc. Her education is fully funded by her grandparents and she has received multiple scholarships as well.
Around the house, she’s responsible for keeping her room, bathroom and office clean. I will do her laundry if she’s super bogged down with school. I’ve always been a SAHM so the house has generally been my responsibility. I realize she sounds spoiled. Maybe she is. She’s a great kid, she’s always been an accomplished student, she’s very social, and we feel very fortunate. She has never had a curfew and we’ve never felt the need to enforce one.
If she was working full time and not contributing around the house, she would definitely be financially contributing. Even if it was a nominal amount of rent than we saved for her, or making her responsible for her vehicle payment. As a family we put tremendous value on education, so as long as she’s pursuing that successfully she gets a cushy deal at home.
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sweetpeasmom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,652
Jun 27, 2014 14:04:01 GMT
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Post by sweetpeasmom on Oct 3, 2020 19:46:45 GMT
My daughter will be 18 in December. She is a full time university student (engineering) and she lives at home. She’s an excellent student and is putting in a ton of work. It would be impossible for her to have a job while pursuing her studies. She gets allowance from us, we pay for her vehicle and insurance and her cell phone, clothes, etc. Her allowance is used to pay for gas, Starbucks, dinners out with friends, etc. Her education is fully funded by her grandparents and she has received multiple scholarships as well. Around the house, she’s responsible for keeping her room, bathroom and office clean. I will do her laundry if she’s super bogged down with school. I’ve always been a SAHM so the house has generally been my responsibility. I realize she sounds spoiled. Maybe she is. She’s a great kid, she’s always been an accomplished student, she’s very social, and we feel very fortunate. She has never had a curfew and we’ve never felt the need to enforce one. If she was working full time and not contributing around the house, she would definitely be financially contributing. Even if it was a nominal amount of rent than we saved for her, or making her responsible for her vehicle payment. As a family we put tremendous value on education, so as long as she’s pursuing that successfully she gets a cushy deal at home. In high school, we told him as long as he was in sports, we'd pay for everything - gas, insurance, phone, running money. He chose to quit sports and get a job Jr year. That was his choice. I thought we were going to make him pay insurance but dh said no, just gas. We would have much preferred him to just do school and sports and be a kid. He choose different. I would have preferred him to do school full time and just work part time. He wanted to work full time and do school part time. His choice. I agree, if he keeps going to school and working hard (he has to be at work at 7am and works until 4 or 5pm most days), all we ask is he be a contributing part of the family.
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LeaP
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,939
Location: Los Angeles, CA where 405 meets 101
Jun 26, 2014 23:17:22 GMT
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Post by LeaP on Oct 3, 2020 19:59:10 GMT
I have a 19 year old who took a gap year last year. I won't lie, it was rough. She was miserable and messy all over the house and only did chores sporadically. She was supposed to leave in February for Asia but then covid came and we were all stuck in. A month later she got into a school in Amsterdam and so there was an end date to residence at home. Anyway, my plan was to start charging her rent in June and putting it in a savings account to be used for a deposit or tuition.
The biggest issue in our house and, I suspect, yours is that the same patterns of early teenage remain in place rather than the new rules of independence. In February I gave her the speech that she had to take responsibility for herself. She tried a little, so rinse lather repeat until she left in July. She cooks and cleans for herself in her dorm.
In your case, I would tell him that you have XYZ expectation and that you will charge him nominal rent if he treats home like a hotel. Bank the rent without telling him for a rainy day or tuition when he needs the help. Win win.
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anniebeth24
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,716
Jun 26, 2014 14:12:17 GMT
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Post by anniebeth24 on Oct 3, 2020 20:18:10 GMT
I don't know that charging rent will fix a stubborn kid. It's not a direct consequence to not cleaning the bathroom. He could give you cash and still blow off the chore.
Trying to think of something to get his attention. Perhaps you could charge him a "cleaning fee" - if he doesn't do x chore on x day, he has to pay you or his sister or dad to do it.
For the dishes in his room - make him buy disposable stuff and tell him he's not welcome to use your dishes unless he's eating in the kitchen.
I feel for you. My messy one moved out and it has calmed my heart tremendously.
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Post by Linda on Oct 3, 2020 20:39:48 GMT
my current young adult is 20 and my 28 y/o (29 this month how did that happen?) lived at home until he was 25.
Our house rules are pretty simple - show the rest of the household the courtesy of letting them know when you are expected home and update if that changes. We also ask that you let the cook know if you're not planning to be home for dinner. This applies to DH and myself as well - and when DS' godmother lived with us for 7 years, to her as well.
Chores - I expect my kids to cook dinner once a week during the summer from about 11 or 12 and once they graduate high school, it's weekly year round (and actually with the panademic DD14 has been cooking weekly also). With DS I had him buy the ingredients for his meal once he was out of high school - DD20 doesn't drive and isn't leaving the house really at the moment anyway so she and DD14 just have to make sure their ingredients are on the weekly shopping list.
The girls take turns putting away clean dishes and are pretty good at remembering whose turn it is and getting it down. We don't have a dishwasher so when the dish rack is full if I've asked to have them put away and it hasn't happened by the time the sink is full again, I'll lay out a drying mat on the counter and just add more - a couple of times of that and they figured out that it's a bigger job when they don't do it on time
Saturday mornings - I make a list of all the weekly chores plus any monthly/seasonal/occasional chores that pop up. And we all clean the house together - we each have a different coloured highlighter to cross off what we've done and the girls both like the freedom to decide what chores they are going to do vs me telling them. (happy side effect - I haven't had to clean a bathroom in months - we have two and DD20 cleans ours because she doesn't want to risk getting stuck with the one they share and DD14 cleans that one)
Curfews - we've never had one or felt we needed one.
Rent - we didn't charge any while they were in college (DD20 still is) but once DS28 finished and was working - we charged $150/month - mostly because we wanted him to be in the habit of needing to pay bills - he had his cellphone, his insurance (the difference in ours with him added), and the nominal rent. DH lived rent free with his mum before we married after he left the Army and it was hard for him to get out of the mindset that his paycheque was fun money - made the first decade of our marriage financially shaky so I wanted to avoid that
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peaname
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,390
Aug 16, 2014 23:15:53 GMT
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Post by peaname on Oct 3, 2020 20:42:19 GMT
My son is 19. There are no rules. You can support a kid who is making good choices as you are willing and able. Other people’s kids are different and after eighteen years you know your child best. As long as any rules are clearly defined and enforced do what feels right to you and don’t compare your relationship to others.
When my son was home he let us know if he’d be home for dinner and did his share of household chores. We pay his car insurance and cell phone. We use 529 money to pay for his college and cover rent. He saves money over living in the dorms.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 7, 2024 7:28:06 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 3, 2020 21:06:45 GMT
I am paying close attention to this thread, will be there in a few months!
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Post by flanz on Oct 3, 2020 21:12:28 GMT
I would tell him he does the chores or I stop paying for the phone and the truck will only be available for work. You are a household, everyone does their share. My nephew (19) goes to school full time, has two part time jobs, and handles most of the garbage (both out to the can, and then to the road,) the cat litter duty, and putting away the dishes. I agree. To this list of chores I would expect the young adult to do their own laundry, commit fully and be responsible for doing their assigned, agreed upon chores, and to realize what a deal they are getting as opposed to trying to "make it" out on their own. We do our kids no favors by coddling them.
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Post by flanz on Oct 3, 2020 21:14:57 GMT
If your DH and you go to the expense and trouble of creating a space exclusively for the use of your DS, that would be a very kind and generous thing to do for your son. I would fully expect him to keep it clean, part of the bargain. No bathing in filth under my roof. My house, my rules.
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Belle
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,309
Jun 28, 2014 4:39:12 GMT
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Post by Belle on Oct 3, 2020 21:15:28 GMT
Have you tried giving your son 2 options for when the bathroom needs to be cleaned and let him decide when it happens? You can pick 2 different days (today or tomorrow) or 2 different times (before lunch or after lunch). That can sometimes help with getting things accomplished.
Out of curiosity, what does your son say now when you ask him to clean the bathroom?
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sweetpeasmom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,652
Jun 27, 2014 14:04:01 GMT
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Post by sweetpeasmom on Oct 3, 2020 21:32:49 GMT
Have you tried giving your son 2 options for when the bathroom needs to be cleaned and let him decide when it happens? You can pick 2 different days (today or tomorrow) or 2 different times (before lunch or after lunch). That can sometimes help with getting things accomplished. Out of curiosity, what does your son say now when you ask him to clean the bathroom? Even though he could do it T or Th, I really don't expect it because after getting up at 6:15am and working until 5pm, I know I wouldn't want to come home to clean (M & W he has class until 10pm). So I have asked him to do it on the weekends. I've said Sat or Sun but please get it done. He leaves on Friday night and doesn't return until Sunday evening most times. When I remind him it's his turn or ask, he just says I know. He just likes playing all the time and not wanting to take the responsibilities.
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johnnysmom
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,684
Jun 25, 2014 21:16:33 GMT
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Post by johnnysmom on Oct 3, 2020 21:34:18 GMT
We're living it here too, so I have no real answers. Ds (now 19, a 2020 grad) had a solid plan....he was going to start an apprenticeship and get his own place in about a year, with a roommate/friend. Well the apprenticeship program shut down, they're not taking applications with no idea of when they'll start again. His gf started college about an hour away as planned. He's working f/t but in landscaping, not his career choice, and making ok money but not 'get your own place' money. So now he's decided he wants to go to school, of course he decided this after fall semester started so he's in a holding pattern until January. It's just a community college but it's about an hour away (not the same college as gf, to his dismay and my relief they don't offer the program he wants....I like the girl but I didn't want him "chasing her"), he wants to move closer to the college, we want him to stay home for at least a year and save up.....he can take at least 3/4 of the classes online in a regular year, depending on how things look come January it may be all of them. When he moves out it'll all be on him, we'll pay for the tuition but room & board is his. So for now he's floundering. He works 5-6 days a week and goes and stays with gf most weekends (we don't love it but it is what it is).
For now we still pay his car insurance, cell phone and gas. We don't charge him room/board. We don't give him any spending money, that's all on him. In exchange he is expected to be a decent human being, keep working and furthering his career (once he's able). He's also expected to help out around the house when asked but there's no set chores. He's pretty good about keeping his room clean, he may occasionally have a cup or plate in there but it's not there long.
The biggest issue we have is communication on what his plans are, if he'll be home for dinner, etc. Over the summer we had to have a bit of a chat about how we're all moving into uncharted territory....he's become an adult with adult privileges and responsibilities but dh and I are having to shift to being less like parents and more like roommates with him. While we know he's an adult, and pretty responsible, being a good roommate meaning letting the others in your house know when you'll be coming/going, it's a respect and safety thing. I explained to him that it's not easy for us to move into that role and asked that he be gentle with us and know that we're going to screw up and treat him like a teen again but that we mean well and will figure it out.
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Post by nlwilkins on Oct 3, 2020 22:01:01 GMT
Sounds like your son is having a great time without taking any responsibilities. Hanging out with friends T and TH nights and the weekends, not doing chores, big bill items paid for him -- you are not doing him any favors. But I understand that you do not want to push him into dropping out of school or moving out before you feel he is ready. It is hard.
If he is not handling his chores and helping out around the house, then it is time to realize he is not ready to be treated as an adult. He needs some more help to manage that aspect of his life, like a schedule. Set a time for chores and help him manage his time better so the chores get done. You might ask him how his friends get their chores done and when they do them.
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Post by tuva42 on Oct 3, 2020 22:06:25 GMT
I don't believe age should have anything to do with it. YOU are supporting him. He is not paying rent. As long as he lives in your house, no mater how old he is, and you support him, he has to follow your rules. He wants to keep that car and keep that job? He follows your rules. If he doesn't want to, he can move out and support himself. Sounds hard ass, but its not. You are just asking him to behave as a responsible adult.
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Post by 950nancy on Oct 3, 2020 22:13:48 GMT
My sons were both 18 their senior year. We told them they didn't qualify as adults until they graduated. They liked the housing and food plan offered, so they were both pretty good senior year. After that was pretty easy too. Now at 17, I would have sold one of them for a nickel.
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peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,891
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Oct 3, 2020 22:15:36 GMT
So the issue is that he doesn’t always clean the bathroom or mow the lawn? I would agree with letting him know he can either do the chores or pay for his truck. Though I’m probably not one to ask bc I’m a big softie. If my kid was working and going to school I’d be pretty easy on him (not that that is necessarily the best thing) I have an 18yo, just graduated and now just started college full time (from home unfortunately since all UCs are remote and online). He does not have a job and I don’t want him to have one necessarily- based on Covid and the work options out there. As long as my kids are in school I pay for basically everything and in return ask that they do well in school and be decent human beings. we are very similar.
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Post by AussieMeg on Oct 3, 2020 23:59:46 GMT
I like the idea of charging a cleaning fee when he neglects to clean the bathroom and someone else ends up doing it for him. But I guess you need to work out whether the main problem is that the bathroom is not being cleaned, or whether it's that HE'S not cleaning the bathroom. Maybe after a few weeks of having to fork out a cleaning fee, he will realise that it's not that bloody hard to clean a bathroom.
My son has only just turned 16, and has two years left of school before starting an apprenticeship. I daresay he will stay at home for a while after that, so it will be interesting to see whether I'm in the same situation with him in two years!
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Post by MZF on Oct 4, 2020 0:09:21 GMT
When my adult DS was living with us, he paid us rent, plus paid all his own bills--phone, car, insurance, going out expenses. He was also expected to keep room clean, keep the bathroom clean, and do any misc things when asked. I told him if the bathroom wasn't kept clean and I cleaned it for him, I'd charge him. And I did. I only had to do twice, charged him $25/cleaning.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 7, 2024 7:28:06 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 4, 2020 0:47:04 GMT
As long as he's working and attending school, we'll take care of the main bills. He has to pay for the car insurance but we take care of everything else. If he needs something and tells us, we'll get it, but if he doesn't, we don't. If he wants something, he either figures out his budget for it or wait for birthday/holiday money, depending on cost and timing.
We have almost no rules. Please be mindful of your parents being older and wanting to go to bed earlier some nights. (In other words, be quiet after a certain time) Write down your schedule for us. Please let us know where you're going and when you expect to be home, especially if you're going somewhere after work.
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Post by calgaryscrapper on Oct 4, 2020 1:20:56 GMT
A friend of ours charged their Daughter rent. The Daughter did not know but her parents put the money into an account and when she moved out and purchased a home they surprised her with the money that had been put into the account.
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Post by bothmykidsrbrats on Oct 4, 2020 1:51:29 GMT
Both of my YA children still live at home. As long as they are going to school and working, we will continue to cover their daily living expenses (food, boarding, insurance, phones, basic toiletries.) They both have daily chores, and very rarely have to be asked to do them. More often, they do more than they are asked. They pay for all their own entertainment, clothes, DD makeup and extras like fast food and specialty beverages. Sometimes I buy them things for me, like undershirts for DS, because he could care less about pit stains and they dive me bat shit, and KN95 masks for DD, because she works in a restaurant around unmasked guests, and it makes me feel better for her to have extra protection.
They are both expected to add to their savings accounts, as well as investment accounts monthly, and have to sit down with DH every month to discuss their investments. The goal is for them to move out with zero debt, and a very comfortable down payment for a home. They do not have curfews, but we are all very considerate of each others time, feelings and concerns. Adulting adults is not for the faint of heart. Good luck {Hugs}
Every family is going to be different, and they should do what works best for them.
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