|
|
Post by 5peanutsnana on Nov 10, 2014 22:37:04 GMT
Update: I talked to my son today and told him I thought the best thing to do was for me to call the other Grandma and see if it was OK if I could be there with her for my DGD (more than one person can go) and let the BF go for DGS. He agreed, so I called the other Grandma, and she said that I went last year and she didn't see why she had to share our DGD... I could go next year. (Next year she will be in 6th grade and won't have Grandparents Day.) I can't even imagine saying that to her if the situation was reversed. She said she doesn't get involved in her kids lives and I would have to take it up with XDIL. I know it would be futile to talk to her so as of now there will be no Grandparents Day for me.  Trying to keep peace. Thurs. is Grandparents Day at my grandkids school (one granddaughter, one grandson ages 11 and 9.) My son is divorced and I have had an OK relationship with his ex, although at times it hasn't been easy. I saw his XMIL at the store last week and she said that she was going to Grandparents Day for DGD. Great! I said I would go for my DGS. Today I was told by my son that XDIL asked who DGS wanted to be there for him, and said he wanted her BOYFRIEND to go. WTH? He is OLD enough to be his grandfather. I truly believe she asked him if he wanted the BF to go without mentioning me. We have done as much as possible for the kids for the last five years, including picking them up form school, doing homework with them and feeding them, buying their school supplies etc. My son was livid yesterday when she told him that she sent in the form that her BF friend was going. She manipulates him every chance she gets. Perhaps it shouldn't bother me so much, but I am typing this through tears and I am not a crier. I was looking forward to going to Mass and attending the program with my GS. (For 4 years she and the kids were living an hour away and they were in several school systems. And yes WE were the ones who traveled to their school programs.) My roots are very deep at this school. Our family has gone there for generations. My sister and brother have grandkids there and will be there for Grandparents Day. If you have read this far, thank you. So should I just suck it up even though my heart is aching? |
|
|
|
Post by mikklynn on Nov 10, 2014 22:42:33 GMT
Oh, my heart breaks for you. I can't imagine how hurt you are.
I don't think there is much you can do that won't alienate your ex-DIL. I'm sure she did this to get at your son, not you. I am so sorry!
What the beeyotch doesn't get is this is cruel to her son! I'm sure he'd love to have YOU there.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Aug 18, 2025 20:11:20 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 10, 2014 22:51:30 GMT
I'm really sorry that your feelings are hurt. I really don't think there's anything you can do in that situation. It's not right and it sucks.
However, as a kid, I never had "local" Grandparents. As a parent, my kids never had "local" Grandparents.
Perhaps you could call your local elementary school and ask if they need an extra Grandparent (or set) for kids that may not have local Grandparents.
Of course, it may not be easy unless you've already been involved in the school. But it's worth a phone call.
(and if you have free time and want to involve yourself at your local elementary school, ask if they have a mentor program. I know a woman from where I used to go to church that would go into the schools to read with kids who were struggling)
I hope that as your Grandchildren get older, they realize that it was their mother making things difficult. I think most kids of divorce can figure stuff out like this as they age. I sure know I did.
|
|
happymomma
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,083 
|
Post by happymomma on Nov 10, 2014 22:56:31 GMT
I'm so sorry. That would be hurtful. It doesn't even make sense, it is GRANDPARENTS day, not just 'bring a random guest' day.
It sounds like you have been a good and helpful grandparent. I am sorry they did this to you.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Aug 18, 2025 20:11:20 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 10, 2014 23:00:32 GMT
So I'm guessing that each child can only have one grandparent come?
I agree that she is using this to get at your son, but how unfortunate for your grandchildren and thoughtless toward you. I'm sorry you are hurting, I would be too.
|
|
momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,156
Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
|
Post by momto4kiddos on Nov 10, 2014 23:25:26 GMT
So I'm guessing that each child can only have one grandparent come? I agree that she is using this to get at your son, but how unfortunate for your grandchildren and thoughtless toward you. I'm sorry you are hurting, I would be too. Good point, most kids have more than one grandparent that might want to attend. While i'd probably not want to hang out with the BF, i'd probably grin and bear it to be there. |
|
NoWomanNoCry
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,856
|
Post by NoWomanNoCry on Nov 10, 2014 23:34:15 GMT
I have always known GPD at schools to allow more than 1 grandparent so if this is the case here I would show up as well. Don't let someone else stop you from going.
If for some reason it's only 1 GP per child there isn't much you can do. Your son needs to be the one to step up and say something to his ex. Good luck. I'm sorry.
|
|
|
|
Post by Eddie-n-Harley on Nov 11, 2014 0:28:09 GMT
So should I just suck it up even though my heart is aching? Yes. Because what else are you going to do? Have a fight with ex-DIL? Cause a scene at the school? Sure, it's possible your ex-DIL is being manipulative. But perhaps your grandson is at an age where he just wants someone of the same gender to go. I am sorry you're feeling bad, though. |
|
|
|
Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Nov 11, 2014 0:39:00 GMT
I don't blame you a bit for feeling hurt. I'm so sorry your former DIL is handling it this way. She's not doing her children any favors either.
|
|
moodyblue
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,381
Location: Western Illinois
Site Supporter
Jun 26, 2014 21:07:23 GMT
|
Post by moodyblue on Nov 11, 2014 0:42:45 GMT
Can you call the school and ask about the rules - see if more than one grandparent can come? At our school, any and all grandparents are welcomed.
If there aren't restrictions, your son has rights as a parent (I'm assuming he has at least partial custody/visitation) and I would think he might be able to "sign you up" to attend for his children.
|
|
|
|
Post by 5peanutsnana on Nov 11, 2014 0:43:05 GMT
Yes. Because what else are you going to do? Have a fight with ex-DIL? Cause a scene at the school? Sure, it's possible your ex-DIL is being manipulative. But perhaps your grandson is at an age where he just wants someone of the same gender to go. I am sorry you're feeling bad, though. No, I certainly wasn't planning on making a scene or have a fight with XDIL. If I wanted to fight with her it would have happened long ago and for very good reasons. I have taken the high road more often than you can imagine. As far as wanting to have someone of the same gender, my husband, his actual grandfather is available...the guy who has been an amazing grandpa for him for 9 years. I don't think for a minute she suggested either one of us. I do thank you for your reply, though. |
|
|
|
Post by PEArfect on Nov 11, 2014 1:15:02 GMT
Our school district allows all grandparents to go. If that's the case I would just go. I'm sure your grandson will be thrilled.
|
|
|
|
Post by cindyupnorth on Nov 11, 2014 1:44:55 GMT
I would have your son call the school and ask about how many grand parents are allowed.
|
|
|
|
Post by traceys on Nov 11, 2014 1:48:34 GMT
At our elementary, there is no limit on grandparents. I agree with those who have advised to contact the school (or let your son do so) and see if there is any problem with you and your husband going as well. I don't understand why all the grandparents shouldn't come.
|
|
|
|
Post by Really Red on Nov 11, 2014 1:48:59 GMT
Oh. I am so so sorry. That sucks. HOwever, I'd absolutely call your XDIL and say you'd like to go as well. If the best it does is that she feels like [poo] then maybe next year she'll think of you. I hope it's because she didn't think you'd like to go. I'm really sorry. I hope you get to go.
|
|
|
|
Post by Darcy Collins on Nov 11, 2014 2:10:07 GMT
It's possible she's thinking a whole lot more about the bf than you - ie hey you're family, you have to go. While it's still obviously horribly inconsiderate to you, it might not have been done to spite you. You're obviousiy closer to the situation, do you think she doesn't want you there or just that she wanted the bf there. If she's just tryng to include the bf, and your relationship is good - I'd call her and tell her how much you're lookijng forward to the day and see if the children can have more than one guest. If she really doesn't want you there, unfortunately you don't have any options and burning bridges will only hurt you and the grandkids.
|
|
|
|
Post by nantini on Nov 11, 2014 2:14:09 GMT
I'd show up anyway, even to tell your grandson you were thinking of him. I hate that your xdil would do something so damn cruel.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Aug 18, 2025 20:11:20 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 11, 2014 2:17:25 GMT
I'm so sorry. I can understand how upsetting this must be for you. I wish I had some great advice, but unfortunately I don't. Just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you.
|
|
|
|
Post by momof3pits on Nov 11, 2014 2:23:11 GMT
I'm a little confused.. For grandparents day, your XDIL signed her boyfriend up to go? As in the kid will introduce him as my mom's boyfriend?!? That makes absolutely no sense to me whatsoever.
|
|
|
|
Post by Skellinton on Nov 11, 2014 2:28:03 GMT
I would call the school and casually ask how many are allowed to go first, then if you find out there is no cap, call your ex dil and mention that you were planning on attending with GS since her mother is going with GD.
I can't imagine a school having a cap on grandparents, what kind of school would have children choose between grandparents?
|
|
|
|
Post by Darcy Collins on Nov 11, 2014 2:29:37 GMT
I'm a little confused.. For grandparents day, your XDIL signed her boyfriend up to go? As in the kid will introduce him as my mom's boyfriend?!? That makes absolutely no sense to me whatsoever. [ Lots of kids won't have grandparents available for whatever reason. Our school encouraged them to invite any special person if the gp couldn't make it. I'm guessing the ex-dil thought it'd deepen the relationship or some such garbage. |
|
|
|
Post by traceys on Nov 11, 2014 2:43:28 GMT
It's possible she's thinking a whole lot more about the bf than you - ie hey you're family, you have to go. While it's still obviously horribly inconsiderate to you, it might not have been done to spite you. You're obviousiy closer to the situation, do you think she doesn't want you there or just that she wanted the bf there. If she's just tryng to include the bf, and your relationship is good - I'd call her and tell her how much you're lookijng forward to the day and see if the children can have more than one guest. If she really doesn't want you there, unfortunately you don't have any options and burning bridges will only hurt you and the grandkids. Normally, I would be less inclined to jump to conclusions just from reading this if it were about a different event but who would even pose a question to a child about a non-grandparent going when not one but two grandparents were available? (And seem to be very involved with the children?) If my dd had already expressed a preference that Granny Maternal go for her, my question to my son would be "Do you want Granny Paternal or Grandpa Paternal to go with you?" It's an event for grandparents and not to give them first refusal seems to be extremely suspect. |
|
|
|
Post by momof3pits on Nov 11, 2014 2:43:53 GMT
I'm a little confused.. For grandparents day, your XDIL signed her boyfriend up to go? As in the kid will introduce him as my mom's boyfriend?!? That makes absolutely no sense to me whatsoever. [ Lots of kids won't have grandparents available for whatever reason. Our school encouraged them to invite any special person if the gp couldn't make it. I'm guessing the ex-dil thought it'd deepen the relationship or some such garbage. I get that and think it's a good idea. But this kid has grandparents available. Why didn't your son bring this up when he has the conversation with XDIL?? |
|
StephDRebel
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,718
Location: Ohio
|
Post by StephDRebel on Nov 11, 2014 2:50:49 GMT
I'll go out on a limb and be the crazy one that says why don't you call the ex DIL and have a conversation, let her know you're available and have been looking forward to going and see what happens from there before getting upset and jumping to conclusions?
I was also the bitchy ex daughter in law (well, still am) but our relationship improved a million times over when she just started communicating with me. It's amazing what can happen when you go to the source and cut the middle man.
I'm not saying you or your son are in the wrong, but too many people confuse a lot of situations. Go to the source, if she's really a total bitch have your son call the school and RSVP for you. He's the parent too right?
|
|
|
|
Post by maryland on Nov 11, 2014 3:06:41 GMT
The child belongs to dad just as much as mom. So dad gets a say too. I would go! You are his grandparent, not a boyfriend. Your son should contact the teacher and explain the situation. I bet in cases like this, they allow two to go. Sorry your dil is so mean. Her son will see this, and when he gets married will think dad's parents aren't as important, and she will get back what she gives. You sound like a great grandmother and your grandson needs good people like you in his life. Sorry you are going through this. But you deserve to be there as much as the other grandparents.
|
|
|
|
Post by 5peanutsnana on Nov 11, 2014 4:23:27 GMT
I get that and think it's a good idea. But this kid has grandparents available. Why didn't your son bring this up when he has the conversation with XDIL?? Oh, he did bring it up, but she didn't see anything wrong with it. He didn't want to upset the kids and he was afraid things would get out of control so he left. Thank you to all who responded. Maybe tomorrow I will be able to see things more clearly and make a plan. |
|
|
|
Post by momof3pits on Nov 11, 2014 4:39:39 GMT
I get that and think it's a good idea. But this kid has grandparents available. Why didn't your son bring this up when he has the conversation with XDIL?? Oh, he did bring it up, but she didn't see anything wrong with it. He didn't want to upset the kids and he was afraid things would get out of control so he left. Thank you to all who responded. Maybe tomorrow I will be able to see things more clearly and make a plan. How sad and it sounds malicious. I would maybe reach out to XDIL yourself and without mentioning her bf, pull on her heart strings about your desire to share in the day as well. I don't think a reasonable person could fault that approach. |
|
cycworker
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,556
|
Post by cycworker on Nov 11, 2014 9:08:40 GMT
I'd simply show up. At best, I'd call & inform her that I'm coming. I wouldn't ask; I'd inform. But that might be risky, so I'd likely just show up with no warning.
|
|
|
|
Post by ScrapsontheRocks on Nov 11, 2014 9:20:22 GMT
I only wish to say I hope you feel better soon. People can be such insensitive idiots and I am so sorry they hurt you.
|
|
|
|
Post by anxiousmom on Nov 11, 2014 12:17:00 GMT
When I first got divorced, I got a phone call that will forever be one of the most heartbreaking of my life. My ex-MIL called crying and asked me if it would be okay if I would allow her and my ex-FIL to continue to be a part of the boys lives. I can't even imagine how she must have been feeling to even make that phone call.
It never occurred to me that they wouldn't be part of the boy's world and at the time, didn't understand why she would have even thought that I would somehow prohibit contact...but I do now. I hear story after story like this and it saddens me so much. It is vindictive and mean.
My ex is sometimes clueless, even about how his own parents feel about their level of participation, so I have been careful to make sure that the get invitations to everything-and have made sure that the boys are around when they visit (even if it was during "my time.")
I wish I had some great advice for you...but at this point, I am not sure that even calling the ex-DIL will help. But do talk to your son. As someone else said, he has rights too and has every right to participate in school events-including signing you up for being there for Grandparent's Day. There will be lots of times throughout school that family will be able to participate, and the mother isn't the only one who calls the shots. Schools are used to multiple households and your son can have school information sent directly to him just as it is to mom-and that would allow him to bypass situations like this if he wants.
|
|
Trying to keep peace.
