ellen
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,562
Jun 30, 2014 12:52:45 GMT
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Post by ellen on Jan 5, 2021 21:38:10 GMT
I have a coworker/friend that I am letting go. Between the election, Covid 19, and an awful letter he wrote speaking from the perspective of a teacher, I just can't be associated with him anymore. At work we are following some pretty strict Covid rules, so we all keep to ourselves and we just did almost two months of distance learning. It has been really easy to avoid him and will continue to be. I am cordial at work - that's it. I have a few people I am done with in my everyday life. Covid has made it really easy to avoid them. It will continue that way, so I figure after what is likely to be several more months of social distancing no one will really notice. They won't say anything. If they did, I'd likely tell them.
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Post by manomo on Jan 5, 2021 21:42:44 GMT
While I know you can bow out of this relationship without a word, I admire that you are considering speaking up for what you believe in. Too many of us remain silent and silence is often taken for agreement. You have the opportunity to let her know that her beliefs and opinions sit in direct opposition to yours and are particularly hurtful to your family and for those reasons you are no longer willing to participate in a relationship with her.
Not that it will change who she is but she should know her words carry consequences.
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Post by Really Red on Jan 5, 2021 21:43:56 GMT
I have dropped quite a few people who actively support Trump and when they write idiotic stuff, I do this: "You are better than this" and then I drop them.
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Post by MichyM on Jan 5, 2021 21:45:20 GMT
No reason to engage or explain anything. There is no possible way she will not be offended or will be provoked to consider changing her ways. She is who she wants to be. You are the one that she hopes will change and see the light. Remove from friends list. Politely turn down invitations. That should take care of it. You could always use the block feature, but not likely to be needed. Exactly that. No fuss, no muss. She’s not really a *friend* friend anyhow, so to me it seems pretty easy. if you feel the need to explain the whys of it, write a letter and then just stick it in a safe spot. If you feel like sending it after 3 months of no contact, and want to open that can of worms, then go for it.
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Post by wrongwayfeldman on Jan 5, 2021 22:15:22 GMT
It's hard to stop myself from going back and forth about what to do, especially after reading the most recent responses. I'm torn mostly because I DO feel the need to say something, but in a way that doesn't incite confrontation. I'll think about this one a bit more. Thanks for the advice: the Peas are my go-to when I can't make my own decisions.
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purplebee
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Jun 27, 2014 20:37:34 GMT
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Post by purplebee on Jan 5, 2021 22:31:36 GMT
I must say that while I would not want to engage in a long back-and-forth with her, I don’t think I could let it go without letting her know how hurtful her statements are to the real people in her life that she is talking about. She is likely spouting some typical right wing blanket statement Christian dogma re homosexuality, but I would want her to realize that her hate-filled rhetoric applies to your family, and that you are angry and upset to think that she would talk this way about your child. Then unfollow her, don’t respond, and cross her off your list of people you want to spend time with.
Good luck, I’d love to smack her up side of the head on behalf of you and your kid!
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Post by Tamhugh on Jan 5, 2021 22:43:04 GMT
Just unfriend her. If she asks you to do something in the future, just calmly tell her that you were hurt by the LGBTQ comments she made and why. I can take someone being offensive to me, but don't crap on my kids.
And for the record, I will never understand how someone can believe in an infallible God and still think he will punish someone for being exactly the way he made them.
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Post by AussieMeg on Jan 5, 2021 23:04:18 GMT
I am also going to be in the minority and say that I would absolutely say something to her, for all the reasons @candleangiementioned. "As long as we all continue to be silent and just ghost people out of our lives, they can continue to live in their happy little bubble where they think that everyone agrees with them or no one has a problem with their discriminatory views. Silence continues the idea that it’s socially acceptable. And staying silent makes us part of the problem." Plus if you let her know up front right now, it will save any awkwardness later if she tries to make dinner plans or something down the track. If my child were LGBTQIA, I would feel compelled to say something. It doesn't have to be confrontational or nasty (although that appeals to me immensely). Something along the lines of what gar said: with her anti LGBTQ stance and the meaning that has within your family, friendship no longer feels possible and is something you no longer wish to pursue. And then immediately unfriend and block.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jul 2, 2024 15:30:33 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jan 5, 2021 23:23:46 GMT
On one hand, telling these people why you're removing them from your life only cements their belief that they're right, you're wrong, and you're trying to silence them. It has played out here before.
At the same time, ignoring her, ghosting her will also do the same.
I would unfriend her without a word. If she sends a request, I'd respond with "your anti-lbqt stance tells me you're against my child. If you're against him/her, you're against me as my child comes first. I cannot allow your negative opinion in my or his life. Do not contact me again."
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Post by workingclassdog on Jan 5, 2021 23:39:26 GMT
I hide everyone like that.. I don't block but I never see their posts. If it is something face to face I would just decline offers. I don't like confrontations.. can you tell..lol
Now my daughter will be up in their face before the FB Block. She is way more blunt than I am. I'm not sure what she is going to do when we are planning on going to a wedding in the summer (MAYBE).. cause they are ALL Trump fans. I am hoping to a point that it's going to be limited and we will get the cut. But they probably won't do it. Anyways, that is for a different day.
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Post by iamkristinl16 on Jan 5, 2021 23:47:47 GMT
I would probably just unfriend or unfollow. But the next time my husband asked me to hang out with her and her husband I wouldn’t hesitate to tell him why I don’t want to spend time with them.
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Post by fiddlesticks on Jan 6, 2021 0:22:33 GMT
I've written and re-written so many short messages to her, and I just can't do it without appearing to want to engage. I'm having a hard time letting go of not saying anything in defense of my kid. I've been able to disconnect with the few trumpers I knew on social media up to now and haven't missed a beat, and I'm sure they are going on with their little happy lives without me, but this one's a bit harder and I know it's because of her anti-LGBTQ comment. I'm sure she think she's just as right as I know I am. ![::)](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/eyesroll.png) It's probably best I just unfriend her and move on. If she notices and tries to contact me, that's when I'll explain why I let that friendship go. Thanks for the encouragement. I think that is the way to go. If she reaches out you can explain your stance. People can spew all the crap they want and will often get defensive when it is brought to their attention. But, others get to decide how they want to react to it. You can simply say something like that. You aren't responsible (and probably won't) change her mind but it doesn't mean you are obligated to read the crap she posts. If it helps at all, I don't think you are alone in feeling like you need to do something like this. I know I have started to distance myself from people over trump fanatics.
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Post by pierkiss on Jan 6, 2021 0:56:17 GMT
I just hide these people and try to never be around them in person. If I have to be I am polite, but not super welcoming.
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Gennifer
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Jun 26, 2014 8:22:26 GMT
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Post by Gennifer on Jan 6, 2021 1:21:40 GMT
I’m not a person that’s ever afraid of confrontation, but even I wouldn’t say something, I would just unfriend.
Of course, I have that luxury, because I would have already said something many times over. No one who has access to my feed would ever have any doubt where I stand on things, and, even if they had unfollowed me, they still wouldn’t be surprised.
Now, if they noticed and asked? Sure as shit I’d let loose then. Politely, of course, but they would know it was intentional.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jul 2, 2024 15:30:33 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jan 6, 2021 1:35:43 GMT
I’ll swim against the stream and say that I’m glad you’re planning to tell her why. As long as we all continue to be silent and just ghost people out of our lives, they can continue to live in their happy little bubble where they think that everyone agrees with them or no one has a problem with their discriminatory views. Silence continues the idea that it’s socially acceptable. And staying silent makes us part of the problem. I agree. And you are a being an advocate for your child by speaking up.
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Post by paulao on Jan 6, 2021 1:38:59 GMT
Do not announce that you are no longer her friend. Block her on FB. Do,you really think she cares why are doing this? She’s not going to change.
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Deleted
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Jul 2, 2024 15:30:33 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jan 6, 2021 1:40:46 GMT
It really sounds like you are processing through your feelings and I think that is healthy. I am aghast when I see postings from my dad's cousin on facebook. It just is so crazy and does NOT match the image I have of her as always so loving and kind my whole life. She sounds brain washed. She sounds mean. It just does not make sense!
So I think your feelings are totally valid and it is good for all of to explore our boundaries. Do we want to be listed as a friend to these people? How can we hold them accountable in a way that will penetrate their defenses and make them really re-evaluate how they are acting? I just have a hard time writing some people off who I know are better than this. (Not saying she is) If she has kids maybe she can think for a second, hey wow how would I handle my kid coming out...? Light can dawn in some dim places.
Also why do the men folk in this situation get off the hook? They get to be friends and not talk about any of this? It seems like her husband might be aware of your kids and concerned her bigotry might offend your husband?
I do think it is time now that some people will stop the craziness soon. Maybe it is time to speak up more. But no real direct advice to you but you might feel better writing a big long letter and never sending it.
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Post by peasapie on Jan 6, 2021 1:46:34 GMT
Its exhausting to explain anything to people in the Trump cult because they don’t follow the usual logic. I would say nothing and put her on a break for Facebook.
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moodyblue
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Jun 26, 2014 21:07:23 GMT
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Post by moodyblue on Jan 6, 2021 1:55:39 GMT
... I can't support someone who is in direct conflict to the values of my family and my LGBTQ kid ... You have your own words right here. If it were me, I’d simply say exactly this in reply to one of her posts, and then unfriend her if that’s what you ultimately want. She may delete your reply, but she will have seen it, and you will be saying all you need to for her to know why you’ve unfriended her. In addition, anyone else who sees it will also see that you are speaking up and not staying silent. (And if you don’t want to specifically mention your kid, stop after the word "family.")
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Post by pjaye on Jan 6, 2021 2:21:03 GMT
Nope, I disagree strongly with all the "ghosting/ignore/don't engage' comments, you're saying you have an LGBT+ kid, and if that was me, there is no way I would let those comments slide and not stand up for my child/ren. I wouldn't give a shit about not wanting to make a scene or being polite, I would point out that her hateful comments are directed at my child/ren and that I will not tolerate people like her in my life. There is no way I would be silent about this. Hate like that has real consequences for real people and everyone who does not feel the same needs to speak up loud and clear against it, anything else is pure cowardice.
Stand up publicly, loud and PROUD for your child/ren - if you aren't prepared do do it, then how can you expect others to? Who else will? She needs to have it said to her and you need to say it even if it makes no difference.
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Deleted
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Jul 2, 2024 15:30:33 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jan 6, 2021 2:56:18 GMT
I actually had a good friend unfriend & block me on Facebook. Why you ask? Because I posted a story with the results of one of the recounts where Biden added votes to his victory over Trump. I NEVER post anything political on my Facebook page & I didn’t add any personal opinions to the news story I shared so her reaction was unbelievable to me. To be honest, I really don’t give a 💩. The things she posted on her Facebook page were outrageous & down right ignorant. I’m not mourning this lost friendship.😏 I do, however, find it laughable that I’m the person being blocked.
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Post by backgroundpony on Jan 6, 2021 6:32:29 GMT
My trump friend just posted if you didn't vote for trump then defriend them. I hope one day will be able to be friends again but not any time soon.
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ellaknits
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Mar 17, 2020 22:21:56 GMT
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Post by ellaknits on Jan 6, 2021 7:08:57 GMT
It's hard to stop myself from going back and forth about what to do, especially after reading the most recent responses. I'm torn mostly because I DO feel the need to say something, but in a way that doesn't incite confrontation. I'll think about this one a bit more. Thanks for the advice: the Peas are my go-to when I can't make my own decisions. If it's at all helpful to you, my company is encouraging us to move from allyship to advocacy and speaking up this year - we're having little talks about before meetings instead safety talks...I guess they're really committed. Ha! I laugh at this because they're normally pretty non-confrontational and now they're giving everyone the nudge to speak up about bias or situations they see that should be addressed.
So I've decided to try to be more in the moment with people and situations. Nothing we can do about situations that have already happened, but maybe you could stay friends with her and next time something like that comes up, you'll be ready for it and can address it in the moment. That way you also won't be surprised and not have something prepared?
It'll be easier and you'll be able to be calm because you know it's coming and that you're planning to say this isn't okay with you and it would be better to part ways or whatever you want to say. My two cents.
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Post by nlwilkins on Jan 6, 2021 8:05:21 GMT
For me, being silent would not be an option. I would always feel guilty for not saying something in support of my child. You don't have to be ugly or demanding. No need to be in her face about it. But make some kind of statement even if it is just a sad face emoji and saying I cannot find common ground with you anymore.
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cycworker
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,378
Jun 26, 2014 0:42:38 GMT
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Post by cycworker on Jan 6, 2021 8:23:22 GMT
I’ll swim against the stream and say that I’m glad you’re planning to tell her why. As long as we all continue to be silent and just ghost people out of our lives, they can continue to live in their happy little bubble where they think that everyone agrees with them or no one has a problem with their discriminatory views. Silence continues the idea that it’s socially acceptable. And staying silent makes us part of the problem. Thank you. I think if we have LGBT people in our lives that we love, we owe it to them to take a stand before we block these people. I blocked a guy I've known for years. He seemed like a good guy; coached floor hockey in a league I ran. His wife is my hairdresser. He started spewing pro-Trump stuff in response to some news articles I posted, I deleted his comments & snoozed him 30 days. Once he started posting attacks on the LGBT community, I told him point blank we were done, and why. I said, "You know, Bill (not his name, obviously) I can put up with a lot. I will not put up with attacking people I love, and when you say _______ (whatever he said; I don't recall specifics) that is what you're doing. I'm done. #Blocked" And that was the end of it.
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cycworker
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,378
Jun 26, 2014 0:42:38 GMT
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Post by cycworker on Jan 6, 2021 8:26:12 GMT
It's hard to stop myself from going back and forth about what to do, especially after reading the most recent responses. I'm torn mostly because I DO feel the need to say something, but in a way that doesn't incite confrontation. I'll think about this one a bit more. Thanks for the advice: the Peas are my go-to when I can't make my own decisions. She can't confront you / engage if you hit block immediately after you post the message. You definitely need to call out her anti-LGBT posting. And I'd do it right on her wall, so others see it. It means a lot to the people we love to see us publicly take a stand in support of them.
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Deleted
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Jul 2, 2024 15:30:33 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jan 6, 2021 12:00:41 GMT
It's hard to stop myself from going back and forth about what to do, especially after reading the most recent responses. I'm torn mostly because I DO feel the need to say something, but in a way that doesn't incite confrontation. I'll think about this one a bit more. Thanks for the advice: the Peas are my go-to when I can't make my own decisions. She can't confront you / engage if you hit block immediately after you post the message. You definitely need to call out her anti-LGBT posting. And I'd do it right on her wall, so others see it. It means a lot to the people we love to see us publicly take a stand in support of them. The problem with blocking on FB is that she will disappear as well her comments and messages. Blocking on FB renders you invisible completely to the person that is being blocked.
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