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Post by wrongwayfeldman on Jan 5, 2021 18:51:31 GMT
Without looking like an ass?
She's not necessarily a really great friend, more of a friendly wife of one of DH's friends. We see them as a couple here and there, but only if it's planned, like dinner or a lake weekend. DH sees the husband through work occasionally and once in awhile for drink or a college football tailgate.
I hid her from facebook about a year ago because I grew tired of her preachy, all Christians should support trump posts, and the other day decided to peek at her holiday photos. I saw several posts where she claims the election is fraud, trump is the next coming of Christ, and honestly could have just shrugged off all that crazy, until I saw some of the anti-LGBTQ/trump supporting comments and claims she's both making and sharing. I can't support that, and hiding her but pretending to be her friend just for the sake of niceties just isn't a priority to me. However, I don't just want to silently shrink away without making a short and sweet statement about why I can't support someone who is in direct conflict to the values of my family and my LGBTQ kid! Since I also don't want to get into it with her, I want to send her a private message that doesn't invite debate, then sign off from there. Any words of wisdom from someone who's btdt?
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Post by katlady on Jan 5, 2021 18:58:10 GMT
I ignore them or stop following them. I don't engage because nothing good will come of it. As for seeing her in person, I would just decline the invites. I don't know how important her husband is to your husband's work, but I would tread carefully there if it could hurt his job.
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Post by revirdsuba99 on Jan 5, 2021 19:01:15 GMT
The possible opinion about your kid would be bye to her!! No thoughts needed! Done gone!
This one: trump is the next coming of Christ, and
Too much competition on that one. Yesterday I posted that Lin Wood or someone in his group is claiming he, the someone, is Christ...
These people are just too full of themselves and have no clue!
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Post by gar on Jan 5, 2021 19:03:45 GMT
If sending a short, calm message will feel right for you then do that. No need to be shouty, just state that with her anti LGBTQ stance and the meaning that has within your family, friendship no longer feels possible and is something you no longer wish to pursue.
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julie5
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by julie5 on Jan 5, 2021 19:05:00 GMT
I’m not sure how you would be the ass but I have zero tolerance for trumpers. I almost ended my marriage over it. I’ve stood up to my husband before but this one-It ducking mattered. And he knows I will not tolerate any of his Facebook friends being shit holes either. I’ve been on a break from Facebook for one month and I’m not even sure I’ll ever go back. The ignorance is astounding. Along with the Covidiots.
I did used to think the virus was a hoax and I was a trump supporter in part. Then the George Floyd incident happened and I saw right through him. If you had unfriended me during that time I probably wouldn’t thought much about it. Trumpers tend to be pretty self involved.
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Deleted
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Jun 30, 2024 18:41:06 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jan 5, 2021 19:05:39 GMT
What are you really hoping to achieve by sending her a message? You're not going to change her mind and you're leaving yourself open to abuse. You've seen who she is, why would you invite that crazy in? Leave it alone and don't engage with her at all.
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Just T
Drama Llama
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Post by Just T on Jan 5, 2021 19:13:10 GMT
No reason to engage or explain anything. There is no possible way she will not be offended or will be provoked to consider changing her ways. She is who she wants to be. You are the one that she hopes will change and see the light. Remove from friends list. Politely turn down invitations. That should take care of it. You could always use the block feature, but not likely to be needed. I agree with this.
I recently unfriended a lifelong "friend" not because she is a Trump lover, but because of some very offensive things she posted on a thread my son started on FB. He is gay, can't stand Trump, and she came on his post and said some very insulting things to him. This gal was once my best friend. She was at the hospital when my son was born, we spent years with her and her family/kids. I couldn't imagine saying the things to her daughters that she said to my son. So I just unfriended her. I didn't message her or say anything. A few days later, she sent me a friend request, and I have just ignored it. I'm sure she probably wonders why I unfriended her, but I really don't care.
I would either remove her without saying anything, or hide her and make it so she can't see what you post if you are worried it might have a negative impact on your husband.
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Anita
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Post by Anita on Jan 5, 2021 19:21:58 GMT
Just unfriend, block, and pretend she doesn't exist.
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Post by tracyarts on Jan 5, 2021 19:23:19 GMT
I just cut them off, or "ghost" them. You can't confront them, not even politely. They either want a chance to be a persecuted victim, or they will deny any wrongdoing or flaw/fault. It's a situation you can't navigate effectively much less gracefully. Best to just cut them off quickly and quietly.
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Post by Zee on Jan 5, 2021 19:23:36 GMT
I ended a similar "friendship" with just a "wut" on a post of theirs and then unfriended, done.
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schizo319
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Post by schizo319 on Jan 5, 2021 19:28:03 GMT
I get why you feel the way you do, but I'm not sure you get to make a statement without "getting into it" with her. If you bring it up, you are going to put her on the defensive essentially inviting a conversation.
I have deleted and/or blocked people for the kind of crap that you're describing your friend doing. I don't say anything about it, because I don't owe anyone an explanation, nor am I willing to waste my time and energy going back and forth with a bigot.
In your specific case, you also have the added potential to create an awkward situation for your husband with his friend/colleague. Tread very carefully with that.
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Post by Bridget in MD on Jan 5, 2021 19:28:51 GMT
No reason to engage or explain anything. There is no possible way she will not be offended or will be provoked to consider changing her ways. She is who she wants to be. You are the one that she hopes will change and see the light. Remove from friends list. Politely turn down invitations. That should take care of it. You could always use the block feature, but not likely to be needed. I would remove her from the friends list, not say anything until the time is right. For instance, if she finally notices she hasn't seen any posts from you, or if at the next invitation, I would probably say "I am going to have to decline this invite and any future invitations due to your beliefs/statements, which are hurtful to my me and my family. If you truly feel this way, knowing that my child is LGBTQ, you probably don't really want a relationship with me anyway. Take care...." ETA: I would also give my husband a heads, just so he is aware and doesn't accidently make plans that include me and her. |
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Post by elaine on Jan 5, 2021 19:30:25 GMT
Without looking like an ass? She's not necessarily a really great friend, more of a friendly wife of one of DH's friends. We see them as a couple here and there, but only if it's planned, like dinner or a lake weekend. DH sees the husband through work occasionally and once in awhile for drink or a college football tailgate. I hid her from facebook about a year ago because I grew tired of her preachy, all Christians should support trump posts, and the other day decided to peek at her holiday photos. I saw several posts where she claims the election is fraud, trump is the next coming of Christ, and honestly could have just shrugged off all that crazy, until I saw some of the anti-LGBTQ/trump supporting comments and claims she's both making and sharing. I can't support that, and hiding her but pretending to be her friend just for the sake of niceties just isn't a priority to me. However, I don't just want to silently shrink away without making a short and sweet statement about why I can't support someone who is in direct conflict to the values of my family and my LGBTQ kid! Since I also don't want to get into it with her, I want to send her a private message that doesn't invite debate, then sign off from there. Any words of wisdom from someone who's btdt? If you truly don’t want to get into it with her, you need to truly just unfriend and move on. If YOU engage by sending her a message, then you are getting into it with her and you should expect a response, and probably a defensive offensive hurtful response, at that. She won’t be right, of course, but it is unrealistic to expect her to take your rebuke in silence. I think that you need to carefully think about just what you want to achieve: If it is to stand up for your son in a public way, then say something and expect a response, which you can then move on from. If it is truly to just drop the friendship, then do it without comment and you will get the non-response in return that you say you are hoping for. |
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julie5
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Post by julie5 on Jan 5, 2021 19:31:08 GMT
I had a cousin who I considered a good friend posting transphobic shit after trump fucking lost and I posted a sad face on one thing and she blocked me. So it’s pretty easy to get rid of them.
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Post by beepdave on Jan 5, 2021 19:32:18 GMT
No need to even explain yourself. You already had her hidden, so you weren't interacting. No need to start now. If you cross paths and she asks, tell her then.
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pilcas
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Post by pilcas on Jan 5, 2021 19:33:10 GMT
I would not send a message, just unfriendl, for all the reasons given by others.
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Post by hop2 on Jan 5, 2021 19:36:11 GMT
You don’t owe her a reason for just walking away. People like that think the world revolves around them so she won’t notice anyway.
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amom23
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Member is Online
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Post by amom23 on Jan 5, 2021 19:44:26 GMT
I had a friend years ago that I just stopped interacting with. It created no drama. So I'd recommend you do the same (which it sounds like you basically have already).
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inkedup
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Jun 26, 2014 5:00:26 GMT
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Post by inkedup on Jan 5, 2021 19:49:39 GMT
I don't see any need to make a grand announcement. I'd quietly unfriend and move on.
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Post by sean&marysmommy on Jan 5, 2021 19:51:10 GMT
Take the drama free way and just delete her. That's my advice. I get wanting to explain, but I personally would prefer to avoid the drama. It will almost certainly rope the husbands in, too.
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Post by Laurie on Jan 5, 2021 20:02:14 GMT
I would just unfriend her and move on. I get it. The past few months I have really trimmed down my friend list and the irony of it is that I am a republican and I am removing other republicans. There are a few I have left but have chosen the option to remove them from my feed. I finally decided if you are being a nutter and are bringing no positive value to me on fb then you have got to go. If you are a family member or close friend and a nutter then you can stay but I am hiding your posts so I don't have to see how nutter you are. The plus side is my fb is getting back to what it should be...seeing pictures and updates about the person and/or their family.
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tracylynn
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Post by tracylynn on Jan 5, 2021 20:08:24 GMT
Honestly, trying to be the bigger person and explain won't get you what you want.
A group of my friends had a falling out over the course of the summer and fall with one of our friend group. It happened slowly. A few of us at first, then more. The first group of us never said anything, just unfriended and didn't engage. This is someone who had actually brought us all together and many of us wouldn't have known the other without her, so it was heartbreaking. But when she realized what was happening, she started calling us out on her page, and on our other friends pages who hadn't unfriended her yet. It was a mess.
I believe all of us have unfriended her at this point. And she's deleted all her nonsense bullshit off Facebook and moved to Parler.
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Post by heckofagal on Jan 5, 2021 20:09:14 GMT
I get it. 2 of my 3 best friends (and I'm not sure how the 3rd feels) are Trump supporters. I can't imagine cutting them out of my life. Thanks goodness they are not spewing all the shit on FB that I am seeing, however, one of their fiance's IS and I'm not sure how that will bode for our future. I really didn't like him before I even knew that.
I'm hoping Biden can just take office and once I see them again it can be business as usual.
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Post by smalltowngirlie on Jan 5, 2021 20:27:07 GMT
A lot of good advice about just walking away. Also, how will letting her know you no longer want to be "friends" possibly impact your DH and her husband at work. By sending her a message you are instigating it and I don't believe that is what you want. I unfriend people all the time from Facebook for a variety of reasons. I keep trying to trim it to the people I really only engage with in real life and then someone will notice we are no longer friends and send me a request again. Oops, sorry, glitch in Facebook I guess.
Best to just walk away and know you are a better person for it.
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Post by wrongwayfeldman on Jan 5, 2021 20:38:07 GMT
Lots of great advice. THANK YOU!! Any conflict will not affect DH or his work: they know each other through other work contacts but don't work directly, and her DH tends to stay out of his wife's BS. I'm going to consider several of these scenarios and send her a short note, more to take a stance against her LGBTQ statement than her support for trump, but keep it graceful and move on. My fb friends list has gotten shorter and shorter these last four years and she was honestly my last hold out.
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Post by papersilly on Jan 5, 2021 21:11:48 GMT
there is only two ways about it. if you want to be gentle, taper off your interactions until you can be completely rid of her. if you want to be done now, just stop all communication asap. if she's just a casual friend, i doubt she'll even notice enough to say something.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Jan 5, 2021 21:21:34 GMT
If you truly don’t want to get into it with her, you need to truly just unfriend and move on. If YOU engage by sending her a message, then you are getting into it with her and you should expect a response, and probably a defensive offensive hurtful response, at that. She won’t be right, of course, but it is unrealistic to expect her to take your rebuke in silence. I think that you need to carefully think about just what you want to achieve: If it is to stand up for your son in a public way, then say something and expect a response, which you can then move on from. If it is truly to just drop the friendship, then do it without comment and you will get the non-response in return that you say you are hoping for.  Exactly all of this. By engaging at all, you will be ‘getting into it’ with her which is exactly what you said you don’t want. It won’t end well, so just let it go. Unfriend, block and move on and if you happen to see her somewhere and she approaches you, maybe say something then. |
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Post by candleangie on Jan 5, 2021 21:26:32 GMT
I’ll swim against the stream and say that I’m glad you’re planning to tell her why. As long as we all continue to be silent and just ghost people out of our lives, they can continue to live in their happy little bubble where they think that everyone agrees with them or no one has a problem with their discriminatory views.
Silence continues the idea that it’s socially acceptable.
And staying silent makes us part of the problem.
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melissa
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Post by melissa on Jan 5, 2021 21:26:54 GMT
Do it quietly. Either mute, unfollow or unfriend. No need to tell her. If she realizes you have unfriended her and is concerned, she will contact you. You can then decide what to do. No need to say anything now.
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Post by wrongwayfeldman on Jan 5, 2021 21:30:42 GMT
I've written and re-written so many short messages to her, and I just can't do it without appearing to want to engage. I'm having a hard time letting go of not saying anything in defense of my kid. I've been able to disconnect with the few trumpers I knew on social media up to now and haven't missed a beat, and I'm sure they are going on with their little happy lives without me, but this one's a bit harder and I know it's because of her anti-LGBTQ comment. I'm sure she think she's just as right as I know I am.  It's probably best I just unfriend her and move on. If she notices and tries to contact me, that's when I'll explain why I let that friendship go. Thanks for the encouragement. |
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Exactly all of this. By engaging at all, you will be ‘getting into it’ with her which is exactly what you said you don’t want. It won’t end well, so just let it go. Unfriend, block and move on and if you happen to see her somewhere and she approaches you, maybe say something then.
It's probably best I just unfriend her and move on. If she notices and tries to contact me, that's when I'll explain why I let that friendship go. Thanks for the encouragement.