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Post by needs_prayers on Nov 13, 2014 23:28:11 GMT
We've had a rough year. Last Dec. DH had had enough. Basically, I was withdrawn, wasn't being loving and doing the little things that are necessary to keep a marriage alive. We were having sex about 2 times a week but it wasn't what it should have been. A lot of the time it was just another chore for me. We've been married 24 years.
He moved out in July and things have been 'stuck' ever since. We are seeing a counselor and it all boils down to DH being able to forgive me and move past his anger. He's angry bec. this topic would get brought up about 2-3 times a year and nothing would ever change. I would tell him it was me but I didn't know how to fix it. I didn't. I didn't see that he also wasn't meeting my emotional needs- namely in the way of communication. I didn't feel connected to him and didn't feel like he was interested in me so I withdrew. He would do things to try to fix it mainly being generous with gifts. We both stopped do the little things for each other.
He has a very, very hard time getting that he was "wrong" too. In his mind he did everything he could do to fix it. Yea, but he was speaking Spanish and I needed to hear French. He thinks that he 'begged' me to fix this and he didn't. He's way more subtle about it and I didn't know the depths of his feelings and hurt from it until it all blew up. That was a big part of it, I never realized what a HUGE problem this was for him. Men and women are so different about sex and for men it's the 'main course' of a relationship and for women it's the 'dessert' (in general terms, I realize that's not the case 100% of the time but it is for us). For women it's okay to not have dessert sometimes but for men it means they're starving to death!
I've learned so, so much this past year about me, what I need and things we did wrong in our relationship. I've also been relying on God like never before and I know without a doubt that that is one reason He is letting this happen. If you are a Christian, please pray for me and us. DH has to forgive me and open his heart back to me again for us to fix this. I'm not the same person I was then, I"m aware of what I did wrong and I live with regret every single day. I will never go back there again.
I don't know what the point of this post is, maybe just to get some support or stories of a huge screw up and how the person forgave you.
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Post by needs_prayers on Nov 13, 2014 23:32:13 GMT
And yesterday at the counselors I had to sit there while he vented his anger at me again and all I could do was take it. I did the things he was saying. I have no defense. DH doesn't have a temper and he's never mean so for him to say (not yell) those things while he was so angry just really hurt as much as if he was yelling and screaming at me.  |
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Post by lbp on Nov 13, 2014 23:43:50 GMT
I didn't want to just read and run. Hugs and prayers for you and your husband. I can't imagine how hard it must be to hear his anger toward you. I am glad you are both in counseling. Sometimes we just don't know another persons Love Language.
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gottapeanow
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,912 
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Post by gottapeanow on Nov 13, 2014 23:51:57 GMT
I didn't want to read and run either.
I am sorry you are struggling in your marriage. And I will pray.
And yes, read the Love Languages book by Gary Chapman.
Lisa
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GiantsFan
Prolific Pea
Posts: 8,704
Site Supporter
Jun 27, 2014 14:44:56 GMT
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Post by GiantsFan on Nov 14, 2014 0:08:43 GMT
I hope everything works out for you.
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RedSquirrelUK
Drama Llama
Posts: 7,077
Location: The UK's beautiful West Country
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Post by RedSquirrelUK on Nov 14, 2014 0:13:19 GMT
Hugs. Good luck with coming to terms with things and getting them sorted out.
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Post by Lexica on Nov 14, 2014 0:24:48 GMT
I will pray for you and I think that you are both going to counseling and he is actually able to express what his hurts were is HUGE. The fact that he is verbalizing them might be painful to sit through, but he needs to know you're hearing it. Why he couldn't express this to help you understand how critical this was for him before he blew up, who knows. But the important thing is you know now and you are committed to fix it.
Are you also verbalizing your feelings? Like why you shut down? He needs to hear and accept that too. It is rarely ever about just one person. Both have made contributions to the void between them. And both need to acknowledge that.
It sounds like you are on the right track with seeing a good counselor and expressing yourselves. Maybe you can get to the point where you can date again and start returning to those feelings that attracted the two of you to each other in the first place.
Again, I will be praying for the both of you in this.
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Post by baslp on Nov 14, 2014 0:28:41 GMT
Hopefully your husband will give your marriage another go. I have to remind myself to be his girlfriend., and to treat him kindly.
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Deleted
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Aug 18, 2025 19:59:20 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 14, 2014 1:01:23 GMT
Keep giving therapy a chance. Now that he's had the opportunity to vent, it might be time to establish mutual goals with your therapist. Get deep in finding out what each of you need from each other. It's gonna be incredibly uncomfortable but that means you're making progress. Good luck. I truly feel for you and wish you both the best.
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Deleted
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Aug 18, 2025 19:59:20 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 14, 2014 1:23:48 GMT
Having been through a separation, I will say that you can't just say you will change, but actually show him that you are working on it. I wanted to blame my DH for all the issues until I read the book "desperate marriages" by the same author that wrote " the 5 love languages".
It took me a while to convince DH that I truly loved him (and yes, much of it was his fault too). But I had to be willing to admit my faults and change me...couldn't change him. So if you are hoping to change him, you can't. He must be willing to change himself.
We didn't have a great counselor and stopped even before we really got started....I didn't find that helped me...the book above did much more. But it does sound like you "get" your part in the issues, so I don't want to beat you up on that front. Instead I want to encourage you to work on yourself. I too have a high amount of faith and that did help me get through some really tough spots!
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Peamac
Pearl Clutcher
Refupea # 418
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Post by Peamac on Nov 14, 2014 1:28:22 GMT
(((Hugs))) and prayers!
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Deleted
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Aug 18, 2025 19:59:20 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 14, 2014 1:34:52 GMT
I will definitely pray for you both!!
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Post by needs_prayers on Nov 14, 2014 1:42:58 GMT
I am definitely working on myself. I know I can't change him, that's never been my goal. I'm always one to tell women to never, never marry a man if you want him to change. Marry him because you love him just as he is.
Once we get past this point and can begin to fix our communication issues, I believe that he will be willing to learn what I need. We're not there yet, well he's not.
Thank you for all of the prayers. They are appreciated.
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Post by kikitwo on Nov 14, 2014 1:59:57 GMT
Good for you going to therapy and accepting your part in the difficulties. I admire you for this. Keep working and praying. I'll say a prayer for you and your husband.
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Post by freecharlie on Nov 14, 2014 2:00:57 GMT
I am definitely working on myself. I know I can't change him, that's never been my goal. I'm always one to tell women to never, never marry a man if you want him to change. Marry him because you love him just as he is. Once we get past this point and can begin to fix our communication issues, I believe that he will be willing to learn what I need. We're not there yet, well he's not. Thank you for all of the prayers. They are appreciated. what I see in your posts is that you haven't forgiven him. I see you blaming him for the problems. It seems to be about what he is doing and what he will do. That could be his sticking point. While you may verbally assume your responsibility in this situation, he may think it is still lip service. |
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Post by needs_prayers on Nov 14, 2014 2:10:44 GMT
freecharlie, you could be right about me not forgiving him. I think I have but then again he doesn't 'own' his part in the communication issues so that makes it difficult to forgive. I don't blame him for the problems. It's not about blame, I've told him that. I've not been defensive when he's told me what I did to hurt him, I"ve not not owned up to it and I've not denied it. It hasn't been easy but I"ve stood up and taken ownership of what I did. I think we all realize that one person can't be at 100% fault in a problem. It takes 2 to screw it up. I've looked in hindsight at what he did or didn't do so that I can learn about myself and see what I was or wasn't getting that I needed which contributed to my behavior towards him. Not to place blame but to learn from it and be aware of what was going on. I'm not going to repeat the past so I have to learn what we did "wrong" to get where we are now. Again it's not about blame it's about fixing this.
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Post by flanz on Nov 14, 2014 2:14:33 GMT
I didn't want to read and run either. I am sorry you are struggling in your marriage. And I will pray. And yes, read the Love Languages book by Gary Chapman. Lisa I was coming here to say the same thing. The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman is a really eye-opening book, and if you both read it, it may really help. I would have hoped that your counselor would have recommended it to you by now!! Thank goodness for the Refupeas.  Seriously, sooo worth the time and ten bucks or so! Hugs to you. I hope things work out in a way that blesses both of your lives! |
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Post by mikklynn on Nov 14, 2014 2:19:40 GMT
What does the counselor say about his blaming you?
I wish you all the best in this difficult time.
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eastcoastpea
Prolific Pea
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Jun 27, 2014 13:05:28 GMT
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Post by eastcoastpea on Nov 14, 2014 2:24:07 GMT
I will pray for you and I think that you are both going to counseling and he is actually able to express what his hurts were is HUGE. The fact that he is verbalizing them might be painful to sit through, but he needs to know you're hearing it. Why he couldn't express this to help you understand how critical this was for him before he blew up, who knows. But the important thing is you know now and you are committed to fix it. Are you also verbalizing your feelings? Like why you shut down? He needs to hear and accept that too. It is rarely ever about just one person. Both have made contributions to the void between them. And both need to acknowledge that. It sounds like you are on the right track with seeing a good counselor and expressing yourselves. Maybe you can get to the point where you can date again and start returning to those feelings that attracted the two of you to each other in the first place. Again, I will be praying for the both of you in this. Very nicely said, Lexica. |
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Post by Dixie Lou on Nov 14, 2014 2:28:01 GMT
I'm praying for you. I feel your pain. My husband and I are having struggles too.
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Post by needs_prayers on Nov 14, 2014 2:30:01 GMT
What does the counselor say about his blaming you? I wish you all the best in this difficult time. He actually hasn't said anything about it. The counselor focuses on now and not the past. I've never been before this so I don't know if that's normal but that's the way he's dealing with things. He's stressing to DH that he has to chose to forgive me (or not) and that in order to create anything again he has to make himself vulnerable to me (or not. He never says that we "have" to do something). I think it's a sticking point but I"m not the counselor. And I think in DHs heart of hearts he does blame me 90% for all of this. In his mind he did everything "right". It's very frustrating actually. |
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Post by mom2samlibby on Nov 14, 2014 2:57:37 GMT
His Needs, Her Needs is another really good book. It, along with the other mentioned, helped my husband and I work through our issues a few years ago. This website might have some ideas for you. www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.htmlOur therapist covered both the past and then had us work on moving forward, along with forgiving each others for things we had done that had really hurt each other. Good luck to you and your husband. |
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Deleted
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Aug 18, 2025 19:59:20 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 14, 2014 3:05:41 GMT
{{{ hugs }}} You'll be in my prayers.
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calgal08
Pearl Clutcher
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Jun 27, 2014 15:43:46 GMT
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Post by calgal08 on Nov 14, 2014 3:11:31 GMT
I have to ask, are you changing because YOU want to or are you changing because you want dh to fall back in love? Make sure you're doing it for the right reason otherwise true happiness for both of you will never happen. Sit back and think about your needs and what you want in a lifelong relationship. The only person who can truly make you happy is you.
This is coming from my experience.
Love yourself first
[[hugs]]
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Post by Mary_K on Nov 14, 2014 3:11:34 GMT
I have prayed for you. I know you must be hurting.
Keep praying, having faith and working on it.
Mary K
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Post by needs_prayers on Nov 14, 2014 3:23:13 GMT
calgal08 I'm changing for me. Looking back I don't like who I was or how some of my behavior was. I want to change it and never be that way again. Regardless of what happens I will come out a better person for all of this. I've also had a lot of time to think about my DH and his 'flaws' and if I want to fix this with him or just move on. I"ve come to realize that I'll choose him and his flaws again- eyes wide open. Thanks again to you all for all of the prayers!
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Post by leftturnonly on Nov 14, 2014 3:34:51 GMT
I am definitely working on myself. I know I can't change him, that's never been my goal. I'm always one to tell women to never, never marry a man if you want him to change. Marry him because you love him just as he is. Once we get past this point and can begin to fix our communication issues, I believe that he will be willing to learn what I need. We're not there yet, well he's not. Thank you for all of the prayers. They are appreciated. I believe you truly accept that you have made mistakes that you can change, have begun to change, and will continue to improve. Your husband is actually showing you he's angry. He's going to counselling with you and getting this out in the open. Those are very positive signs. I think that you have very good reason to hope for a reunion of a true marriage. It may take some time yet for him to work that anger out though, but I think he's well on his way. I also think that a lot of men go through a time as rough as adolescence at this stage in their lives. They can turn into people you don't even recognize! Check into male menopause and you'll see how common this really is. (Filed under Things Mother Never Told Me) |
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scrapaddie
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,090
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Post by scrapaddie on Nov 14, 2014 3:49:08 GMT
It sounds like he is so busy being hurt and blaming you ( and you seem.so willing to accept the blame) that he hadn't realized that a relationship is both of you.... your actions were in response to him.... they didn't come from nowhere!
Some say that if you act it, you will feel it...do the little things.... it becomes easier las he responds....but info think he has to.accept responsibility....
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Post by needs_prayers on Nov 14, 2014 18:59:16 GMT
The weekends are the worst. I feel him missing more than any other time. All I seem to do is think about things I want to say to him, but I don't, I just ruminate all weekend.
Tonight is my DDs bday party so at least that will be a distraction.
Today I want to tell him that he has his anger, he has his fear and he has his "I did everything right" attitude but bec he's gripping those so tightly he can't make room for love, joy, happiness, peace or freedom. But he's got his anger. He can't be happy with me, with himself or with anyone else until he choses to let it go and decides to forgive me.
I'm getting these thoughts out here bec now is not the time to say those things to him but they're weighing on my mind.
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Post by putabuttononit on Nov 14, 2014 19:34:19 GMT
I can see the pain on both sides. Is it possible that his feelings of rejection run so deep he can't open back up yet? Have you THANKED him, and acknowledged everything he did to try to reach you? He sounds like a sensitive man. Try writing down a list of things he did to show you he wanted you, wanted the marriage. Write the list for YOU first. Then each day pick one thing off of the list and thank him for it. Do it slowly. Let the gratitude resonate.
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Seriously, sooo worth the time and ten bucks or so!
