likescarrots
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,879 
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Post by likescarrots on Nov 14, 2014 19:43:40 GMT
I think you should look past the idea of this being a relationship you have put a great deal of time and effort and emotion into, and figure out what you were getting from the relationship that you were happy about (if anything), and what you would get if you continue on. I disagree with most of what you said about male\female roles, or at the very least think you have fallen into the trap of socially constructed gender roles, but I also wonder if staying in a relationship with someone who is both angry and unwilling to take blame for their negative actions is really going to be fulfilling to you. But I see this from the angle of an adult child with an angry parent who never takes responsibility for their part in the destruction of their relationship and I always wonder what the other parent was getting out of it.
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Post by needs_prayers on Nov 14, 2014 19:59:02 GMT
I can see the pain on both sides. Is it possible that his feelings of rejection run so deep he can't open back up yet? Have you THANKED him, and acknowledged everything he did to try to reach you? He sounds like a sensitive man. Try writing down a list of things he did to show you he wanted you, wanted the marriage. Write the list for YOU first. Then each day pick one thing off of the list and thank him for it. Do it slowly. Let the gratitude resonate. Actually I have. I made a point one day of going to him and telling him that I appreciate and see all that he did to try to make this right. I fully acknowledged what all he did. I wanted him to know that I did see that. When he talks about this to the counselor he tells him that I came to him and told him that he did "everything right". That's not what I said, if he had done everything "right" would we be here now. He twists it to make himself the good guy. I whole heartedly acknowledged and thanked him for what he had done, but I never said he had done everything right. likescarrots we very much fall into the stereotypical gender roles that's why i said that. I don't think for us it's socially constructed I think it's just who we are (however we got here…). |
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Aug 18, 2025 19:58:47 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 14, 2014 20:07:18 GMT
One thing I have found is that I had to be "slowly consistent" with the changes. ONE DAY was not enough and often felt fake because it was TOO MUCH when you "fully acknowledged what all he did". One doesn't change in a day, even if you come to that moment of realization that you need to change.
Go back and re-read what putabuttononit said......one a day...slowly..... and I found the same thing about showing him love (in HIS love language -- if you don't know what his is, that's the very first step)....slowly one day at a time.
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calgal08
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,519
Jun 27, 2014 15:43:46 GMT
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Post by calgal08 on Nov 14, 2014 20:22:21 GMT
Actually I have. I made a point one day of going to him and telling him that I appreciate and see all that he did to try to make this right. I fully acknowledged what all he did. I wanted him to know that I did see that. When he talks about this to the counselor he tells him that I came to him and told him that he did "everything right". That's not what I said, if he had done everything "right" would we be here now. He twists it to make himself the good guy. I whole heartedly acknowledged and thanked him for what he had done, but I never said he had done everything right. likescarrots we very much fall into the stereotypical gender roles that's why i said that. I don't think for us it's socially constructed I think it's just who we are (however we got here…). Reading this, do you know if dh really wants to give the marriage another chance? If "He twists it to make himself the good guy" it sounds to me like he isn't ready to commit |
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River
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,627
Jun 26, 2014 15:26:04 GMT
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Post by River on Nov 14, 2014 20:34:00 GMT
I'm sorry to say this, but it sounds to me like he wants you to do all the work in the romance department and he can just do gift giving. You are taking all the blame because you didn't romance HIM enough. It's very much a two way street. It's great that he's telling you what he wants and needs, but you need to also tell him YOUR wants and needs as well.
I feel for you both and I'm praying both of you find what you need during the counseling. I'm glad to hear that you are both going.
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likescarrots
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,879
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Post by likescarrots on Nov 14, 2014 21:24:38 GMT
I realize you think this which is why I disagree with you on that issue.
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Post by mellowyellow on Nov 14, 2014 21:44:00 GMT
I'm sorry you and DH are going through such a hard time. My DH and I went to a marriage bootcamp several years ago and it was so awesome. I remember when we were working on forgiveness. They said it's not a one time thing. Sometimes you have to forgive over and over until YOU believe you have forgiven the other person. It may be several months or years but if bitterness or anger creeps back in......you forgive them. That has really helped me get past my hurts with DH as well as others. I gave myself permission to keep doing it over and over until I felt good about it.
Big hugs!
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Post by k8smom on Nov 14, 2014 22:01:00 GMT
I've seen many long term marriages end when one person is just "done." It seems like once one party gets to that point, it's the point of no return. The main characteristic of being "done" is a total lack of emotion though, and even though it is unpleasant for you to hear your husband's anger, anger is still an emotion. So, based on this train of thought, he has not reached the point of being "done", and you still have the hope of forgiveness on both parts to start anew. If this is what you both want, you have to agree to put it behind you and truly clear the slate of old resentments and habits. But yes, I do believe forgiveness is possible, as well as the prerogative to start fresh. I wish you the very best!
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Post by freecharlie on Nov 14, 2014 22:57:50 GMT
The weekends are the worst. I feel him missing more than any other time. All I seem to do is think about things I want to say to him, but I don't, I just ruminate all weekend. Tonight is my DDs bday party so at least that will be a distraction. Today I want to tell him that he has his anger, he has his fear and he has his "I did everything right" attitude but bec he's gripping those so tightly he can't make room for love, joy, happiness, peace or freedom. But he's got his anger. He can't be happy with me, with himself or with anyone else until he choses to let it go and decides to forgive me. I'm getting these thoughts out here bec now is not the time to say those things to him but they're weighing on my mind. glad you aren't sayi ng those things to him because it would be counter productive. You r ea lly do sound like you are still finger pointing. Instead, if you are at the stage where you could say it, text and say, "I am glad we are trying to give us a chance. Thank you." |
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