pancakes
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,002
Feb 4, 2015 6:49:53 GMT
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Post by pancakes on Apr 6, 2021 6:21:06 GMT
I don’t know if it was seeing family over Easter weekend or the fact that my daughter just turned one yesterday, but I have been thinking that my husband and I should get our affairs in order if something were to happen to both of us. We are in our early 30s and healthy, knock on wood, but I would rather be safe than sorry.
Question 1: How did you go about naming someone to raise your kid(s) if something were to happen?
Question 2: My first choice of person ticks all of my boxes but has a chronic health issue (MS) that, though not an issue now, could potentially be an issue in the future — or it could continue to be mild in perpetuity. Has anyone ever put in stipulations regarding a person’s health and indicating a “backup choice” if necessary? Or should we just avoid the issue and choose someone else?
Clearly I’m out of my element here, but just looking for general wisdom from the Peas’ experience.
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Post by mom on Apr 6, 2021 6:40:00 GMT
Happy Birthday to Baby Pancakes!
You (and anyone else) with any children under 18 absolutely needs to have their affairs in order. Will, Power of Attorney, Guardianship.
1. DH and I both talked about charactereistics/qualities of what we wanted in a guardian. We both agreed on an obvious person and then we discussed it with them, before doing any paperwork. How we would want our kids raised. Our plans for our kids financial futures if we were gone. Things that were important to us (values) that we wanted passed on.
2. We named who we wanted...but also had a second choice if Person A didnt feel they can uphold our wishes for any reason. Truthfully, either our 1st or 2nd choice would have been fine. Also, just because you name someone now doesn't mean you cant change it later if their medical issues get worse.
3. Our kids are over 18 now and we still have our #1 person 'in charge' of all financials over our estate (if we die early) until the kids are 30. There is allowances made for school, medical, etc, but we didn't want to dump our whole estate into an 18 year olds lap with no guardrails for him if that makes sense.
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Post by Basket1lady on Apr 6, 2021 6:47:35 GMT
Awww, congratulations on Little Pancakes turning 1!
Our lawyer did it all. We only named my brother; we didn’t have an alternate. Fortunately we never needed it. He did marry a few years later and we did discuss with his new wife if she wanted to continue with the possible guardianship. However, we didn’t go back and name her separately.
We did discuss if we wanted a separate person to be the executor of the money. But my brother had already showed that he was fiscally responsible with his own money and we decided that he would take care of the kids regardless of how he spent the money. He would have needed a larger house and we wanted him to be able to buy one.. We did have a separate account for college set up. I also discussed with him that I wanted a nanny when the kids were young or housekeeper when they got older It was important to me that someone be home with the kids even when they were school aged. But in the end, they were to be his kids to raise as he chose.
When the kids got to be school aged, we had another discussion about school and after school activities. And then again when DS was diagnosed with Asperger’s. When the kids were in late elementary school, they had a friend who lost her mother. They wanted to know what would happen to them and we talked about how Uncle Joe would take care of them. They seemed to like knowing there was a plan in place and they’ve always had a special relationship with my brother. He and his wife never were able to have kids and my kids do a lot with them now that they are in school in Minnesota. I worried a lot in the beginning that my brother wouldn’t raise them as I would have, but over time I saw that it would all be ok. Luckily, we never needed it.
ETA after Mom’s post: we have talked to my brother and the kids about how the money will be split up, but he is no longer formally named. Both kids seem to be financially responsible and we have decided not to put conditions on the money. However, my brother is named as an advisor. DD’s college money is in a separate account and the rest will be split 50/50.
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Post by mom on Apr 6, 2021 6:50:52 GMT
Awww, congratulations on Little Pancakes turning 1! Our lawyer did it all. We only named my brother; we didn’t have an alternate. Fortunately we never needed it. He did marry a few years later and we did discuss with his new wife if she wanted to continue with the possible guardianship. However, we didn’t go back and name her separately. We did discuss if we wanted a separate person to be the executor of the money. But my brother had already showed that he was fiscally responsible with his own money and we decided that he would take care of the kids regardless of how he spent the money. He would have needed a larger house and we wanted him to be able to buy one.. We did have a separate account for college set up. I also discussed with him that I wanted a nanny when the kids were young or housekeeper when they got older It was important to me that someone be home with the kids even when they were school aged. But in the end, they were to be his kids to raise as he chose. When the kids got to be school aged, we had another discussion about school and after school activities. And then again when DS was diagnosed with Asperger’s. When the kids were in late elementary school, they had a friend who lost her mother. They wanted to know what would happen to them and we talked about how Uncle Joe would take care of them. They seemed to like knowing there was a plan in place and they’ve always had a special relationship with my brother. He and his wife never were able to have kids and my kids do a lot with them now that they are in school in Minnesota. I worried a lot in the beginning that my brother wouldn’t raise them as I would have, but over time I saw that it would all be ok. Luckily, we never needed it. I think you make a good point. This isn't a one time discussion. As the baby grows and issues (or worries) come up, you talk and discuss things along the way.
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Post by nlwilkins on Apr 6, 2021 6:57:06 GMT
Times change, people change, and circumstances change. We decided to name an executor that we trusted and then allow this person to choose a guardian for our children. It was stipulated that the guardian and executor were to be two different people. That way they were a check on each other. Though one thing we were firm upon, whoever raised our children were not to receive a stipend for raising them. They had to WANT our girls enough to clothe, feed and house them as if they were their own. But, the money would be available for further education after high school.
The person we would have named guardian, if we had done so at the time is no longer part of our lives now and was not at them time they graduated from high school. Now they are both adults and they will only need an executor of our estate.
It should be pointed out that you need an advanced directive, and other things done as well as a will.
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twinsmomfla99
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,078
Jun 26, 2014 13:42:47 GMT
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Post by twinsmomfla99 on Apr 6, 2021 10:41:45 GMT
There are two kinds of guardian. The “guardian of the person” is the one who makes “legal” decisions for a child (all those things that parents have to give permission for) and oversees the day-to-day care. There is also a “guardian of the estate” for a child, who oversees finances. They do not have to be the same person.
The will alone does not confer guardianship status to the person you select. Just naming a guardian in the will does not necessarily guarantee that the probate court will approve either type of guardianship. For example, there could be reasons that a guardian is ineligible to be named under state law.
If you want to delay giving full control of any funds until Baby Pancakes turns 30, you will need a trust, and the person you name as trustee will essentially become “guardian of the estate” with specific instructions for handling the money specified in the trust document.
This all sounds very complicated, but a good estate planning attorney will be able to explain how this all applies to your situation.😀
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momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,153
Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Apr 6, 2021 11:39:10 GMT
I think i'd name the guardian you have in mind and then name a backup. As nlwilkins mentioned "times change, things change and circumstances change"
We updated our wills/trust several times (with an estate planning attorney) while our kids were growing up as circumstances changed. We have 4 kids (oldest and youngest were 9 years apart.) So there were thoughts of guardianship for 2 kids vs thoughts of who can raise 4. There were things added when the oldest ones were nearing 18 and the younger two were nearing middle school...how they should inherit any money, etc. My point really is that things will likely change and you'll likely need to revisit the subject every so often.
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peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,878
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Apr 6, 2021 11:44:23 GMT
We chose people who we believed had the same views on raising their children that we had - about them going to college; about how they should be raised etc...
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Post by mikklynn on Apr 6, 2021 12:19:16 GMT
In addition to selecting a guardian, we also created a revocable trust. If someone happened to both of us, my sister & DH's brother would be the trustees. We knew they could work together. We had the stipulation that our children would not have access to the funds immediately. Can you imagine an 18 year old inheriting insurance money and IRAs? It was set up that they got 1/3 when the oldest turned 25, 1/3 when he turned 30, and the balance when he turned 35. They are only a year apart in age. The trustees could allow them funds for education and housing.
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Post by bc2ca on Apr 6, 2021 13:39:16 GMT
Question 1: How did you go about naming someone to raise your kid(s) if something were to happen? Question 2: My first choice of person ticks all of my boxes but has a chronic health issue (MS) that, though not an issue now, could potentially be an issue in the future — or it could continue to be mild in perpetuity. Has anyone ever put in stipulations regarding a person’s health and indicating a “backup choice” if necessary? Or should we just avoid the issue and choose someone else? We named someone who shared our parenting and over all life philosophy that we knew would give our kids the love and support they would need if something ever happened to us. We named a 1st, 2nd and 3rd alternative in case the first was unable for some reason to take on the responsibility. Our DD's godmother has MS and it was not a concern in asking her to take on that role, but we never considered her as a guardian. FWIW, we changed our kids' guardian when they were early teens after a conversation with them. A decision you make now isn't permanent.
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Post by Really Red on Apr 6, 2021 14:10:41 GMT
Happy birthday to Baby Pancakes!
Please - get your affairs in great order. You seriously never know what is going to happen. Even to one of you and it is that much easier if everything is written out AND talked about. Don't just create a will, tell everyone what your wishes are.
Mine was easy as my sister is fabulous, but as a backup, I put my sister-in-law who lives in Europe. I would have preferred two Americans, but my SIL was the absolute best choice after my own sister. I made sure everyone knew it. I also made sure that both sister and SIL knew that I wanted my kids spending time in both countries.
For that matter, please sign medical paperwork that says you can speak for your DH and he for you. Some doctors are fine with that and others are sticklers. When my ex had a stroke relatively young, he had NOTHING in order. I got a POA and was able to help, but without that (and he had to be conscious, capable and talking for me to get it and that was tough) it would have been a true nightmare.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Apr 6, 2021 14:47:47 GMT
Happy birthday Baby Pancakes! I can’t believe she is already a year old!
We set ours up before DD was born and chose a friend of DH’s to be her legal guardian and his sister to manage the money. Now that almost 11 years has gone by, the person we named as guardian is no longer a big part of our lives. We need to choose someone else and we’re having a lot of trouble deciding who it should be.
None of our siblings would be a suitable choice because they all have their own various issues ranging from substance abuse to not living in the same state to not having the same beliefs (and the beliefs that some family members have shown they hold in recent years is now a deal breaker). Most of our closest friends are 10-15 years older than we are and we’re already older than average as parents ourselves. We wouldn’t feel right saddling someone who is 70+ with a middle school kid who will still need parenting for the next 8-10 years. My BFF is moving out of state and has chronic health issues.
So then who do you choose? One of her BFFs is a boy and that family already has three kids. Her other two BFFs come from families with multiple issues, so that’s a no go. We really don’t know what to do.
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Post by Lexica on Apr 6, 2021 15:21:36 GMT
Since I was divorced, I knew my son would have to go to his father's home if I died. I had my will written to protect my assets from my ex getting ahold of them because I knew they would be spent well before my son came of age. I specified that the money be invested until he turned 18, with a percentage being released to him at that time and the remainder given to him at specific ages. I stated in my will that he would only get the money if he were living on his own and not at his father's house. I figured he could use the money to move out. This was all written when he was an infant and modified as he grew up. I did specify a sister to raise him if his father could not do so. I tried to think of all possible scenarios and have a plan for them, with guidance from my attorney.
Now that my son is an adult, none of that matters anymore. I did tell him what I had outlined in my will when he was a baby and he thought it was really smart of me to state that his father didn't have any control over any of his inheritance. He agreed that there wouldn't be anything left for him if his dad was allowed to spend anything for so-called living expenses. I did make a provision for funds to be released should my son have a medical issue that his father could not provide for. Funds would be released to pay hospital and doctor's bills directly, not to my ex.
There is so much to think about when trying to plan for your child's future without you in it.
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Post by mom on Apr 6, 2021 15:27:37 GMT
Since I was divorced, I knew my son would have to go to his father's home if I died. I had my will written to protect my assets from my ex getting ahold of them because I knew they would be spent well before my son came of age. I specified that the money be invested until he turned 18, with a percentage being released to him at that time and the remainder given to him at specific ages. I stated in my will that he would only get the money if he were living on his own and not at his father's house. I figured he could use the money to move out. This was all written when he was an infant and modified as he grew up. I did specify a sister to raise him if his father could not do so. I tried to think of all possible scenarios and have a plan for them, with guidance from my attorney. Now that my son is an adult, none of that matters anymore. I did tell him what I had outlined in my will when he was a baby and he thought it was really smart of me to state that his father didn't have any control over any of his inheritance. He agreed that there wouldn't be anything left for him if his dad was allowed to spend anything for so-called living expenses. I did make a provision for funds to be released should my son have a medical issue that his father could not provide for. Funds would be released to pay hospital and doctor's bills directly, not to my ex. There is so much to think about when trying to plan for your child's future without you in it. This was a big deal for us, as well.
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Post by malibou on Apr 6, 2021 15:41:02 GMT
Happea Birthday Baby Pancakes! I can't believe she is a year already!
We chose close family friends for the guardians of our son. I have 3 sisters and 1 brother, Ds has a brother. We didn't feel that any of them would be our best choice.Thankfully he is 20 now and it's not an issue, but I knew there were siblings butt hurt over our decision.
Bottomline, my kid my decision.
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Post by padresfan619 on Apr 6, 2021 16:01:42 GMT
We haven’t done the official paperwork yet but we’ve already chosen people who would take care of our son in the event something happened to us. They are good friends who have children and they share a lot of the same beliefs and parenting philosophies as us and they live locally so my parents can still be involved. Neither my husband or I have siblings or close family who are equipped to handle raising a child, or they are not the type of people we would want to raise our son in our place.
I cannot speak to choosing someone with health issues because that was a reason we passed up on my sibling. I just didn’t want to put that on him, but we did choose people who are close to our entire family and would have no issue keeping our son close with his grandparents and aunts and uncles.
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Post by beaglemom on Apr 6, 2021 18:57:03 GMT
We haven't done it, but it is on our list of things to do.
We were told to set up 2 lines of guardianship, one for physical and one for financial. For each of those we were told to list 3 people in order of preference.
We have my sister for the first physical, good friends for 2nd physical and another set of friends for 3rd physical. The #2 physical is the #1 financial, #2 financial is my sister's husband, and #3 financial is one of dh's sisters. We plan to also set up the 1/3 at college graduation, 1/3 at 25/30, and the last at 30/35. They will all have funded 529's that should cover college, but we will also have plans for that as well.
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Post by bc2ca on Apr 6, 2021 21:03:16 GMT
So then who do you choose? One of her BFFs is a boy and that family already has three kids. Her other two BFFs come from families with multiple issues, so that’s a no go. We really don’t know what to do. Have you asked your DD what her thoughts are? I can't even remember what triggered the conversation with our kids around her age (maybe a year or two older), but it did cause us to rethink the impact of who we named as guardian on their lives if something happened to us. And we made a change because of it. Two of our choices were families that had three kids and we were asking them to take on another two (one was my sibling, the other a friend).
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Post by crazy4scraps on Apr 6, 2021 23:12:59 GMT
So then who do you choose? One of her BFFs is a boy and that family already has three kids. Her other two BFFs come from families with multiple issues, so that’s a no go. We really don’t know what to do. Have you asked your DD what her thoughts are? I can't even remember what triggered the conversation with our kids around her age (maybe a year or two older), but it did cause us to rethink the impact of who we named as guardian on their lives if something happened to us. And we made a change because of it. Two of our choices were families that had three kids and we were asking them to take on another two (one was my sibling, the other a friend). We haven’t asked, but I know she wouldn’t want to go with any of her aunts or uncles. The one aunt she knows well and likes lives multiple states away and is very religious (which we are not). DD would not want to leave everything she knows to go where her aunt lives and her aunt would not relocate here (they moved away from here and are now retired). Personally I think it’s a really big ask to name a child’s friend’s parent as a guardian (since in my state the lawyer told us they won’t name a couple, only an individual because marriages break up), especially if both sets of the parents aren’t also very good friends.
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Post by bc2ca on Apr 7, 2021 17:48:46 GMT
We haven’t asked, but I know she wouldn’t want to go with any of her aunts or uncles. The one aunt she knows well and likes lives multiple states away and is very religious (which we are not). DD would not want to leave everything she knows to go where her aunt lives and her aunt would not relocate here (they moved away from here and are now retired). Personally I think it’s a really big ask to name a child’s friend’s parent as a guardian (since in my state the lawyer told us they won’t name a couple, only an individual because marriages break up), especially if both sets of the parents aren’t also very good friends. My bolded above is the main reason we changed our guardian list. Sadly, this is a situation where your DD is not likely to have any choice in the matter. If there aren't named guardians, then the courts take over and, if a relative isn't willing to take her, she will end up in foster care. I know you've thought of all this and yes, it's a huge ask of a child's friend's parent, but it sounds like your options are really limited.
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charlatan
Full Member
Posts: 319
Feb 7, 2015 3:53:07 GMT
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Post by charlatan on Apr 7, 2021 18:10:00 GMT
Times change, people change, and circumstances change. We decided to name an executor that we trusted and then allow this person to choose a guardian for our children. It was stipulated that the guardian and executor were to be two different people. That way they were a check on each other. Though one thing we were firm upon, whoever raised our children were not to receive a stipend for raising them. They had to WANT our girls enough to clothe, feed and house them as if they were their own. But, the money would be available for further education after high school.
The person we would have named guardian, if we had done so at the time is no longer part of our lives now and was not at them time they graduated from high school. Now they are both adults and they will only need an executor of our estate. It should be pointed out that you need an advanced directive, and other things done as well as a will. Is the bolded part common? I was asked (and accepted, after much internal debate) to be a guardian for a close friend's son. She was a young single mother with a horrible family and not many other, better options. I was a single young poor student who could barely keep myself afloat. If the worst had happened, I would have received a portion of her life insurance so that her son and I could afford a two-bedroom place with money for food and other necessities. I honestly don't think I would have been able to accept guardianship if not for the additional money that would have come with the child.
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my3freaks
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,206
Location: NH girl living in Colorado
Jun 26, 2014 4:10:56 GMT
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Post by my3freaks on Apr 7, 2021 18:53:46 GMT
It can be tough to think about, or figure out. I would go ahead and name the person that you want, with a backup in case her MS progresses and she feels she can't the responsibility on if it became necessary. My SIL was diagnosed with MS probably 20 years ago, and while she does have more symptoms now than she has in the past, they're certainly not to a point that stop her for doing day to day activities. She would be able to care for a child if need be. (I know MS progresses different with everyone, but I hope your friend lives a long, healthy life!) My kids are grown now, but we chose my brother & (above mentioned) SIL as guardians if something happened to us. My husband has 2 siblings but I definitely didn't consider them as reasonable options for several reasons, and thankfully he agreed. (I LOVE his sister, and we get along great, but I didn't agree with her parenting style. His brother was in his late teens still I think when our son was born, so he wouldn't have been a real consideration, and even 25 years later wouldn't be. He's a nice guy, but no.) My brother has 3 kids, and they're close to my kids ages. Our daughters were born Nov 98 (his), Jun 99 (mine) & Mar 2000 his. They would have certainly had their hands full with those 3 if they'd had them all plus their son and mine who are both older than the girls. We probably would've named him financial executer too because he's a financial advisor and I trust him. If it had been really pushed that I name someone else, We'd have named my parents knowing my brother would've helped them anyway. Almost all of my relatives are within a couple state are of NH, VT & CT with a few others in MA, ME & TX (weirdos!). My husbands family was originally in GA, but is also spread out b/c most of them are in or were in the Air Force. I also have to add that I can't believe your baby turned 1!!
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