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Post by elaine on Apr 26, 2021 4:24:10 GMT
My father is a pedophile and a narcissist. No charges have ever been filed (he's very handsome and can be charming when he wanted to get his way) but there are too many stories for it not to be true. I cut him out of my life 13 years ago when I first heard the stories and realized that he had used me to draw in at least one of his (supposed) victims and my entire family knows why (mainly because I asked each of my female cousins if he had done anything to them). For 13 years, no one in my family had contact with him. All of a sudden, last month, he moves to the town where most of my family lives and is hanging out with one specific uncle and his kids. Based on his past, he most likely was either about to be caught or was accused of something so he dropped everything and moved. Now, that branch of the family talks about how he has "changed", that he's like he was when my parents first married (according to my mom, he was charming and everyone's friend and could do no wrong), and that we should reconcile. While I've had no problem with saying "He is a pedophile. I will never reconcile with him", it doesn't seem to be sinking in. I need a "shock and awe" type of statement. I need something that slaps them across the brain so they remember that he is a piece of shit, but I need the statement to not cause strife between them and me. Any suggestions? If, “He’s a pedophile. I will never reconcile with him.” doesn’t cause them to step back and stop pushing you for reconciliation, nothing will. Honestly. There is literally nothing that is more blunt and straightforward that you could say. You could start sending them hundreds of links to the research studies that have been done that show that pedophiles, overwhelmingly, can’t be rehabilitated. Maybe that would annoy them enough to drop it. |
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Post by revirdsuba99 on Apr 26, 2021 4:24:59 GMT
If you say anything you will continue to face strife with those family members, in fact I would cut ties to them completely. . As long as they already know, there is not much you can do. Protect your immediate family. The others are on their own.
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pancakes
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Post by pancakes on Apr 26, 2021 4:34:20 GMT
“What he did with XYZ family members was unforgivable. How he used me was unforgivable. Please stop asking. I will not change my mind in the future.”
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Post by homeschoolmom on Apr 26, 2021 4:55:54 GMT
I don't think there is anyway to tell someone that a man they insist is not a pedophile, actually is one, and not cause strife. They think that he no longer is a pedophile. That it was something that happened but never will again. |
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Deleted
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Jun 24, 2024 12:43:57 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 26, 2021 4:58:29 GMT
Can you say, “He’s a pedophile. He hasn’t changed. I won’t put myself or my family at risk by spending time with him. Stop asking me to do so.”
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Post by homeschoolmom on Apr 26, 2021 4:59:35 GMT
If you say anything you will continue to face strife with those family members, in fact I would cut ties to them completely. A housebound dear family member lives with one of them. If I cut ties to them, I'd lose my ability to see her. |
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Post by elaine on Apr 26, 2021 5:12:55 GMT
If you say anything you will continue to face strife with those family members, in fact I would cut ties to them completely. A housebound dear family member lives with one of them. If I cut ties to them, I'd lose my ability to see her.Then you will most likely need to find a way to ignore the family members that insist he has changed. It sounds as though keeping her in your life is most important. As I said in my previous post, if what you have already said didn’t cause them to back off, little else short of personally insulting them will probably do it. And then it would just be because they were mad at you, not because they thought your request had merit. I think that your energy would be better spent figuring out how you can best cope with the situation, rather than more words to throw at them, since you aren’t willing to remove yourself from it. (And I’m not saying you should, since you want access to housebound relative) Therapy might be a useful tool at this point. |
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Post by peasapie on Apr 26, 2021 8:47:38 GMT
If you say anything you will continue to face strife with those family members, in fact I would cut ties to them completely. A housebound dear family member lives with one of them. If I cut ties to them, I'd lose my ability to see her. Is the issue that they want you to reconcile or that you want to see someone housebound in a place where he lives? I’d make plans to see that person when your ex the pedophile not physically in the home. You can only manage your own behavior. |
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Post by arielsmom on Apr 26, 2021 11:30:24 GMT
Yeah, he's "changed". He's in the grooming phase. Stay safe...... Can you go visit your loved one without engaging this topic with them?
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Post by busy on Apr 26, 2021 12:04:36 GMT
I don't think there is anyway to tell someone that a man they insist is not a pedophile, actually is one, and not cause strife. I would fall back on the classic "No" when people want you to get over it or regrow a relationship. No, I'm sorry. I'm just not going to be able to do that. No. I'm sorry but I have had a completely different experience than you perhaps did. No. I'm just not comfortable doing that. No. I'm not changing my mind. No. I really don't want to hear other opinions. Pick one each time. Then change subject or turn and walk away. Do not apologize in any way. “Sorry” has no place here. |
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Post by Merge on Apr 26, 2021 12:17:07 GMT
This is part of the reason I no longer have contact with my mom’s extended family. They enabled and covered for my grandfather and uncle’s “funny touching” 🤮 for decades. Grandpa is dead but uncle is still around, and even when he goes, the people who swept it all under the rug are still there. No way have I ever wanted to put my daughters around those people.
It’s ok to simply say no. If there is a housebound family member you want to see, arrange to do it when the pedophile is out of the house.
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rickmer
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by rickmer on Apr 26, 2021 12:22:48 GMT
"no. just no. i don't believe he has changed, i don't believe he ever will and i will never change my mind."
i would tell family members you want a relationship with housebound family member but these are the terms... whatever those are.
then you stick to it.
i am sorry about your father. that can't be an easy thing to deal with in life. hugs.
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Post by Layce on Apr 26, 2021 12:52:42 GMT
Elaine I am so sorry. Gosh, how old is he? What a horrible thing to have to confront again after all these years.
Here's your answer:
"No. And please stop. You don't know what you're talking about, and it's none of your business anyway." Smile at person and move on.
In any case good luck
Layce
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Post by nlwilkins on Apr 26, 2021 13:16:42 GMT
The thing is, he is a pedophile, that is a label that cannot be removed. They are trying to say he is not participating in pedophile behavior at the time. They really have no idea what kind of thoughts and scenarios are running through his mind.
He may have had an lobotomy, lost his memory of past behavior, been castrated, whatever --- he will always be a pedophile. Just like a duck is always a duck, or a cat is always a cat. Being a pedophile is something that one can never take back.
If they insist on engaging in trying to win you over, its on them not you to come up with something to say. Instead, in your head repeat the word "ignore, ignore, ignore" and walk away. Just shut them down in your head, and what is going on in your head will become apparent in your actions.
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Post by wrongwayfeldman on Apr 26, 2021 13:17:17 GMT
How old are the kids at the Uncle's house where he's spending time? If they are young, that's who I'd be most worried about at this point. Was he ever charged? Does he have a record of any kind that prevents him from being in the presence of minors? I'd be inclined to make sure those kids knew to be wary of him, if you can do that without influencing your ability to stay connected with them.
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Post by revirdsuba99 on Apr 26, 2021 14:04:15 GMT
Elaine I am so sorry. Gosh, how old is he? What a horrible thing to have to confront again after all these years. is NOT the OP. OP has deleted her post!! |
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Post by Really Red on Apr 26, 2021 14:07:20 GMT
Wow. You poor thing. I think if the conversation goes like this: Them: He's changed! You: He's a pedophile. I will not have anything to do with him. Them: But homeschoolmom he HAS changed. Don't you believe people can change? You: Can I change your mind? Done. |
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Just T
Drama Llama
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Post by Just T on Apr 26, 2021 14:08:16 GMT
I don't think there is anyway to tell someone that a man they insist is not a pedophile, actually is one, and not cause strife. I would fall back on the classic "No" when people want you to get over it or regrow a relationship. No, I'm sorry. I'm just not going to be able to do that. No. I'm sorry but I have had a completely different experience than you perhaps did. No. I'm just not comfortable doing that. No. I'm not changing my mind. No. I really don't want to hear other opinions. Pick one each time. Then change subject or turn and walk away. Do not apologize in any way. “Sorry” has no place here. That is exactly what I was going to say. No way do you need to say you're sorry. I come from a family who is still paying for my great grandfather who molested a whole generation of my aunts, uncles and cousins. It is devastating, and there is NO way I would be around a known pedophile. I am sorry you have to deal not only with this, but with the ignorance of your relatives who think he deserves another chance. NOPE. Pedophiles deserve no more chances once they have harmed a child. Stick to your guns, OP!!! |
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julie5
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Post by julie5 on Apr 26, 2021 14:54:57 GMT
I don't think there is anyway to tell someone that a man they insist is not a pedophile, actually is one, and not cause strife. I would fall back on the classic "No" when people want you to get over it or regrow a relationship. No, I'm sorry. I'm just not going to be able to do that. No. I'm sorry but I have had a completely different experience than you perhaps did. No. I'm just not comfortable doing that. No. I'm not changing my mind. No. I really don't want to hear other opinions. Pick one each time. Then change subject or turn and walk away. Do not apologize in any way. “Sorry” has no place here. ExCtly. |
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Post by elaine on Apr 26, 2021 14:56:37 GMT
Elaine I am so sorry. Gosh, how old is he? What a horrible thing to have to confront again after all these years. Here's your answer: "No. And please stop. You don't know what you're talking about, and it's none of your business anyway." Smile at person and move on. In any case good luck Layce Thanks, but no, it is not me. I’m not sure why homeschoolmom deleted her OP, but I was quoting it. It is an awful situation, but one in which the only behavior she can change is her own. The relatives have demonstrated that they won’t, even with clear communication. If homeschoolmom wants to keep her housebound relative in her life, she will need to figure out what she, herself, has to do in her own life to avoid being hurt again. I’m guessing that there is also a lot of justified rage at her father and the relatives that protect, support, and enable him. Hence, my suggestion about therapy. I’m not sure if that suggestion was welcome, because the OP deleted shortly after I made it. ☹️ I suggested it, not because I think that the OP is at fault or wrong in any way, but because hers is the only behavior she can change. Having to live with having a father who is a pedophile and used her in the way that he did would leave anyone with a ton of emotional baggage, including rage. And to have family members support him and push her to reconcile, well, that just makes it all worse. My heart aches for her. Do not apologize in any way. “Sorry” has no place here. Yes. |
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Post by Layce on Apr 26, 2021 15:06:56 GMT
Ok, so sorry, my bad. That's what I get for multi-tasking  |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 26, 2021 15:39:57 GMT
“He’s ruined many lives with his sick abuse and deserves to be in jail. I will never forgive him or have anything to do with him and I sure as hell wouldn’t risk having him around any children.”
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luckyexwife
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Post by luckyexwife on Apr 26, 2021 16:05:40 GMT
I have learned "no" is a complete sentence. My life exploded due to my ex having an affair. While not at all the same, I learned to just stay quiet. When people asked questions, or pushed me, I just silently looked at them, and it made them uncomfortable. They would usually start sputtering, and I just said "that's not up for discussion right now".
When people push you, just say "no, and it's not up for discussion right now " Repeat as often as necessary.
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Post by littlemama on Apr 26, 2021 16:34:04 GMT
"I'll take it under advisement."
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pridemom
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Post by pridemom on Apr 26, 2021 17:21:15 GMT
How old are the kids at the Uncle's house where he's spending time? If they are young, that's who I'd be most worried about at this point. Was he ever charged? Does he have a record of any kind that prevents him from being in the presence of minors? I'd be inclined to make sure those kids knew to be wary of him, if you can do that without influencing your ability to stay connected with them. And if he has anything on record, he could be in violation of terms of probation/parole by being around children. I’d report it to child protective services. As a childhood abuser survivor, I don’t trust any pedophile. |
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Post by snugglebutter on Apr 26, 2021 18:44:25 GMT
To anyone who brings it up after your original answer (which is good) I would simply say "I'm done discussing this with you."
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Post by 950nancy on Apr 26, 2021 18:55:00 GMT
There isn't a cure for pedophilia, so why would you put the ones you love in harm's way?
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Post by manomo on Apr 26, 2021 19:53:14 GMT
"I will never be complicit in his pedophilia. I am shocked that you choose to be."
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scrapngranny
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Only slightly senile
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Post by scrapngranny on Apr 27, 2021 0:20:03 GMT
There is virtually no way to slap their brain and not cause a rift with you. You are going to have to pick a side. Ignore his past behavior or standup and say loud and clear what you feel.
In the past he has molested Jane and Susie. Pedophiles do not change their behavior, they just get better at hiding it. I chose not to pu myself in a position to be close enough to him or the chance this behavior will be repeated while I turn a blind eye.
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Post by pierkiss on Apr 27, 2021 1:08:07 GMT
I don’t know what is happening exactly in this thread. I’m going off the post Elaine quoted. And you know what? If my grandfather was a pedophile and had done things to me and all my female cousins when we were little, and I now found out that my cousins were willingly allowing him around their young children, I would be horribly graphic and blunt about what exactly that man had done to me. Sometimes humans need to smacked in the face with graphic details of horrible things for it to sink in. And then I would point blank ask them if they were ok with that happened to their children, and point to each one of them.
If they still didn’t listen, I would cut all ties with them. My heart couldn’t take it. I would not be able to function knowing that they were allowing this monster into their lives and what happened to “me” could be happening to those kids.
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