Moving my mom into memory care- ?s

I'm so sorry. It's hard to make this decision.

We moved my inlaws into care last August, knowing that memory care was only a matter of time. MIL was in assisted living less than a week and it was apparent that her care was just too much for him. So MIL is in another wing and FIL can visit her when he wants. She keeps asking when she will go home and we just tell her soon. She can't remember in 5 minutes anyway.

Some things to think about:
-Are visitors allowed with Covid? I think most allow visits now, but it may only be with the primary caregiver or with an appointment.
-Memory care patients find comfort with familiar things around them, but realize that those things may get lost or stolen. So chose what you send with her.
-If your father is still alive and in the picture, separate their finances now. If she is able, have her sign any documents that need to be done for you to manage the money and/house/assets. We were able to get a notary to come out to the car for MIL. She needs to be having a good day and able to make decisions or the document is legally null. If this isn't possible, you may need to have her declared incompetent.
-You may need to have her declared incompetent anyway if you need to do any care against her will. MIL is still ambulatory and is legally allowed to leave the facility, so we are in the process of that now.
-A white board in the room with caregivers names and a message like, "You are at xxx. You are safe. You are cared for." may help.

It's an insane amount of paperwork. We had to split all the assets, sell the house, get MIL removed as a trustee from their trust, enact her long-term care policy, dissolve her life insurance, and get DH's and SIL's names on all of the bank accounts. PLUS all the paperwork for the facility and for the state if they are going to help pay for it. It probably took 8 months to get to the point where we are now.

I wish you the best.

Such a hard decision to make , nearly had to do this for my Dad, but he passed before.

We were advised to make a memory album . 

just a thought , is there a favourite perfume, or talc, or lavender oil that could be familiar or comforting ?

or favourite sweets or chocolate.

I don’t really know if it would help or not but might be worth a try.

sending hugs for you both

Precovid response:

As mentioned: Her clothing will be seen on other patients. Her personal things will walk away.

We purchased a small TV--about 12" screen and wrote her name on the side (It was in a white case) That did stay
in her room.

I have 5 sisters living near the facility. Someone from the family visited every day. We took her laundry home, but
still her "patio dress/mumu" showed up on other residents.

Mom would say that no one visited nor did she get food that day.
(We did have an incident on the New Year weekend. I lived out of town and arrived around 1 PM. I stayed in mom's room from 1 PM until 9 at night. She was never brought and evening meal. I complained and at first the employee wanted to argue. I told her what I knew and that furthermore, I had not heard food delivered on that wing that evening to any patient. I did get Mom a sandwich, but it made me very distrustful of that facility.)

I hate to say it, but if there is any rotation you can do with family and have someone check on what is going on every day, I would advise it.

Call in hospice sooner than later.  They are a HUGE help with assessing needs, bathing, general welfare.   

Have her assessed by Hospice right away. They will be able to give you valuable information.

This! Someone stole my mom's beautiful diamond ring right off her finger and it was heartbreaking.

When my mom would look in a mirror and and see her reflection, she thought it was someone else. She thought someone was stalking her so we put family pictures all over the mirror to cover it up.

I know you said "memory care" and now you're seeing a few people mention hospice, and maybe you're thinking "no! not yet!". But... please think about it. Hospice isn't what it used to be, where you could only go on if you had a certain number of weeks left to live. Now they come in if it looks like the person is simply declining. My dad was on hospice for at least a year before he died. We just put my mom who lives in assisted living on hospice. They'll provide things like wheelchairs, walkers, etc., and other needs. And it's more eyes on your family member. My sister and I go together at least once a week to see my mom, and I stop in at irregular times the other days (the "irregular times" is important so that the staff has no idea when you might show up), and then the hospice social worker and chaplain visit once a week, the nurse twice a week, and a few other types... an occupational therapist I think is one. 

As for moving your mom into a facility... My mom had been living in her same residence in Pittsburgh for years and years and YEARS and in all that time she never changed the way things were set up. She had her chair and ottoman, and her side table next to it with everything arranged on the table in the same way it had always been. The pen holder was ancient and it sat in exactly the same place it always did. etc. Same with her nightstand, and with the small table where she kept some of her favorite shells, a few elephant figurines, and photos. So before we moved her to Virginia I took photos of those tables, then we packed everything from each table into its own box. When we arrived in Virginia we could easily unpack and put it all on the table just as it had always been. And we brought her chair and ottoman even though they were old. We brought her same throw pillow from the chair, the same blanket for the bed, etc. We duplicated everything so that I'm sure the woman who helped her in Pittsburgh would be able to come here and go directly to the scissors or the nail file or eraser. lol

Good luck. It's not easy! After clearing out my parents place in Pittsburgh and moving my mom here (against her will which is why we waited till it was almost too late), I swore to my own kids that my dh and I WILL be living in a senior community long before we need too much help. I will NOT put ds and dd through all that. 

Get a very simple TV remote and pair that w her TV
Put her name on it as well. Put her name on everything clothes bedding toiletries etc
Does she have a MOST form/ updated treatments/ DNR
Have you enacted the Durable Power of attorney on her behalf
Are you a joint on her checking/ bank accounts?
Have you updated beneficiaries on life insurance , transfer on death( TOD) on her investment accounts, savings accounts
Dies she have long term care insurance? Activate those benefits ASAP. Read the fine print . I had 30 days from the start of the telephone conversation to turn in necessary documents needed to enact the claim. If you don’t get everything in before the 30 days, you have to start the process all over again
Change her mailing address to yours. Mail gets lost at nursing homes/ assisted livings/ memory care
I used 3M hooks to hang things ( non breakable) on walls so as not to put nail holes in the walls

Have a to go bag for yourself that has important paperwork, insurance info, MOST/ DNR forms medical diagnoses,allergies,medications your parents healthcare power of attorney couple bottles of water, light snacks for yourself. I’d get phone calls day and night when my dad fell and I just kept that bag ready to go at all times

It can certainly be overwhelming. I was the only contact person for my dad. He fell a lot. So many midnight trips to ER

It might help to have a guestbook and pen in the room so visitors can sign. You can work it into conversation such as I see Aunt Mabel visited. I wonder if one of those weighted blankets would help. A friend had a husband in a nursing home. He had dementia and liked to gather fruit and store it in his room and some went moldy. It was a battle to clean out the fruit. I suggested that she just take a bag along and when he was distracted to then remove the older fruit. It worked for her.

Little familiar things from home...a cushion, an ornament, a picture or anything familiar may help ground her when she’s feeling confused.

I went through this a year ago with my Mum so you have my sympathy. It’s not an easy thing for anyone.

Consult an elder care attorney. The consult fee was worth it as he told us what to do so that a majority of her money could be used for her care. Label everything with her name. Pictures are comforting. In addition to a TV we had a small echo is her room so she could listen to her favorite music. We wrote down the stations she would like and the staff would tell alexa to play when they came into assist her. (Initially she could manage alexa and the TV herself). My sister and I visited every day. Keeps the staff on their toes. I felt sorry for people who had no visitors.