Deleted
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Aug 18, 2025 20:58:13 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 20, 2014 13:49:10 GMT
UPDATE: Well, that didn't work. Same thing happened this morning. I gave him the silent treatment, because I really wanted to rip him a new one. Trying to decide next steps. Next week he has the whole week off for Thanksgiving. I'm thinking he's going to be getting up @6am every day despite the holiday and being given a very long list of things to be accomplished. Signed, Frustrated Mom
Here's the scenario: 16 yr old boy continually refuses to take on various aspects of personal responsibility. One that particularly annoys his mother is that he will not get himself up for school in the morning. Mom has done everything but stand on her head to get him to do this. In other areas, she's learning she has to draw a very definitive line in the sand (i.e., set boundaries & expectations and enforce them!) and the boy seems to only learn things the hard way. So, mom decides she's going to simply stop getting him up. Let him faces the consequences head on...including detention for being late to school. Then comes the first morning she decides to put this into action. She warns the boy repeatedly to do what he has to do to get himself up and out the door for the bus. Boy swears he will do it. Mom is not surprised when she gets up at 7:45 (one hour past bus pickup) to find her son waking up from the couch. He got himself up but laid back down on the couch. A habit, I might add, allowed by the dad when he was laid off and in charge of the morning routine. Mom expressed her concerns at the time that this was a VERY bad habit, but was ignored. Son is obviously distressed by how late it is. He's expecting Mom to blow a gasket. Mom, having learned a lot in the last 6 months, does just the opposite. She breezily tells him to let the one dog out. She takes the other dog out. She comes in and makes her coffee...explaining that from now on, when he fails to make the bus and she's forced to drive him, he will be making her coffee for her. While driving to school, he tries to go to his fall-back "woe is me!" behavior. Mom tells him to suck it up buttercup. He's worried about detention. Mom tells him he reaps what he sows...put that hour to good use by organizing his notebook if he gets the dreaded punishment. Mom is looking for a PVM here.  To answer some other questions just in case they're asked: 1 - can't walk to school, no sidewalks, no side area on the roads involved creating a very dangerous walk. 2 - while boy has Aspergers/ADD, he's more than capable of handling this at 16; this has been confirmed by all the professionals involved with the family P.S. Of course, I'm talking about me and my own son here |
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Deleted
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Aug 18, 2025 20:58:13 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 20, 2014 13:58:36 GMT
Mom is doing a good thing and boy will soon get the picture. Chin up mom. You've got this.
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Post by not2peased on Nov 20, 2014 13:59:44 GMT
you did the right thing  |
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grinningcat
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,663
Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on Nov 20, 2014 14:02:09 GMT
You did the right thing. At 16, he should be responsible for getting himself to school and Mom shouldn't have to be involved (and certainly shouldn't have to stand on her head to do it). Stick to your guns. He'll get it. It's his responsibility to get to school and once the consequences start rolling in, hopefully he'll shape up.
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Post by bbkeef on Nov 20, 2014 14:04:49 GMT
Good job mom!
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Post by bearmom on Nov 20, 2014 14:06:31 GMT
I think you are doing the right thing, better to learn it now....
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gloryjoy
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,332 
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Post by gloryjoy on Nov 20, 2014 14:08:39 GMT
I have 2 adult sons and have been where you are and at some point you just have to let the chips fall where they may. There is only so much you can do for them.
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Post by gonewalkabout on Nov 20, 2014 14:11:00 GMT
Way to go mum! He'll get it.
Dd is kind of doing the same thing (also on the spectrum)
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Deleted
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Aug 18, 2025 20:58:13 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 20, 2014 14:12:37 GMT
Go mom go!
My son has asperger's I would do the same thing.
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wellway
Prolific Pea
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Jun 25, 2014 20:50:09 GMT
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Post by wellway on Nov 20, 2014 14:13:03 GMT
A life lesson needing to be learnt, good job Mum. Remind him that no employer is going to put up with him being late. The couch thing has to stop too but one battle at a time eh!
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Post by whopea on Nov 20, 2014 14:15:28 GMT
Good job Mom! You did the right thing. Sixteen is certainly old enough to set an alarm, get showered and dressed to be ready for school. Keep it up!
p.s. Sounds like you read Love & Logic along the way.
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MorningPerson
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,579
Location: Central Pennsylvania
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Post by MorningPerson on Nov 20, 2014 14:16:43 GMT
Mom is looking for a PVM here. You got it, Mom! Great job! |
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Post by anxiousmom on Nov 20, 2014 14:19:42 GMT
We don't have issues with sleep around here, we are all morning people and the boy likes his sleep and is able to self-regulate that one pretty well. But there are always other issues where as a parent I have to step back and let them learn the lesson of consequences. If I had a dollar for every time I said "you play, you pay" I would be a rich woman.  So in my opinion, you did good. Although I can bit of a bitch mom and would have taken it a step further...for every time I had to drive the kid to school because they missed the bus, they would owe me a BIG chore. No piddling little take the trash out kind of thing, but a nasty, icky one like cleaning out the gutters, or hand washing the bathroom floors or dusting the baseboards. If I have to be inconvenienced by your lack of responsible behavior, then you will have to "pay" for that by being inconvenienced yourself. |
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tiffanytwisted
Pearl Clutcher
you can check out any time you like, but you can never leave
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Post by tiffanytwisted on Nov 20, 2014 14:22:12 GMT
You go girl! You are way ahead of me. This was my son (minus the Asperger's so there was really no sympathy here). I will admit, I did attempt to wake him during his high school years. I gave him 3 tries and then gave up. I know, I know, 3 was waaaaay too many. He usually got up on the 3rd attempt, lamenting that I was yelling at him. Whatever.
If it's any consolation, once he got his license and was driving himself to school, he was a little better about getting up before the 3rd attempt and now that he's in college, even though he still lives at home, he gets himself up (or not) and I am out of the equation entirely.
You are doing a great job - don't worry, your son will get it together. And probably sooner than mine, lol!
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Post by samcro on Nov 20, 2014 14:24:18 GMT
You are doing the right thing. Stamp of Validation!  Why is he having a hard time getting up? Is he going to bed too late? I know that even as an adult, I had a HORRIBLE time getting up for work. My internal body clock is that of a night owl. I had to fight it for almost 30 years before I retired, and now my normal sleep pattern is 3-11 am. That just didn't work for me during school and work days. I sympathize with both of you, actually. It truly IS just really hard for some people to wake up. But...it has to be done. Maybe gradual tweaking to his schedule, going to bed a bit earlier each night, no electronics before bed, etc. Either way, you are doing the right thing, no matter how frustrating it is. He will have to adapt to the time clock of the general public. Good luck. |
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Post by christine58 on Nov 20, 2014 14:25:52 GMT
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caro
Drama Llama
Refupea 1130
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Post by caro on Nov 20, 2014 14:26:32 GMT
Good job mom! Boy needs to learn consequences to his actions. It will pay off!!
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akathy
What's For Dinner?
Still peaing from Podunk!
Posts: 4,546
Location: North Dakota
Jun 25, 2014 22:56:55 GMT
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Post by akathy on Nov 20, 2014 14:27:00 GMT
You are a lot nicer than I am. I would not have driven him to school and would've made him explain his absence at school and take the punishment.
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Post by oliquig on Nov 20, 2014 14:27:52 GMT
Absolutely the right thing, show them the natural consequences.
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quiltz
Drama Llama
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Jun 29, 2014 16:13:28 GMT
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Post by quiltz on Nov 20, 2014 14:29:32 GMT
You are doing the right thing mom. The week before my children started grade one, they got an alarm clock, and were taught how to use it.
I really hated that my dh's mom would yell up the stairs and make it her responsibility to get the younger ones up. I was taught at a young age of personal responsibility and the "cause & effect" of not taking personal responsibility for myself.
Keep at it!. Don't nag, as a boss wouldn't nag a person who comes in late on a regular habit, as they would be fired.
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Post by angieh1996 on Nov 20, 2014 14:30:03 GMT
You absolutely did the right thing. I do like anxiousmoms idea of owing you a big chore or a bigger consequence for missing the bus and you having to drive him.
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Post by maryland on Nov 20, 2014 14:45:25 GMT
Can I join you! My two older daughters 15 and 17 are the slobbiest slobs around. They have no respect for anything in the house. They act like they want to look good for school, yet they don't take showers every night even after dance classes. I worry that they will be teased, but I like you "tip" on letting them deal with the consequences! I am the only disciplinarian, my husband agrees with me, but will never tell them what to do (doesn't want to be the bad guy). I hate the house looking like crap every day after they get home from school. I have decided that they will make their own lunches for the next three weeks as punishment! (no, they are almost adults and don't even make their lunch!).
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Post by 3dcrafter on Nov 20, 2014 14:46:14 GMT
I was irritated when my daughter missed the bus 2 times in a row due to the fact that she was messing around in the morning, and not staying on task, this mom started charging her for gas the 3rd day(I had her pay me $5 for the trip to school). Fixed that problem real quick. Please don't get me wrong, I do extend her grace for the once in while "over slept" occurrence (we all make mistakes after all), but when it turned into 3 days in a row, I wasn't playing that game.
ETA...my daughter is almost 13 and in middle school
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Post by 3dcrafter on Nov 20, 2014 14:46:32 GMT
Sorry..for some reason there was a Double post.
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Post by Linda on Nov 20, 2014 14:48:44 GMT
Good job mum!
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Deleted
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Aug 18, 2025 20:58:13 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 20, 2014 14:53:15 GMT
You are a lot nicer than I am. I would not have driven him to school and would've made him explain his absence at school and take the punishment. Missing school would be a reward, not a punishment for this kid. Not going to school also leads to a lot of "downstream" issues that impact his anxiety levels and make things far worse. It's in MY best interest to get him to school. Alarm clocks: Yep, he has about 4 now. Why is he hard to keep up? He's a night owl like me. Mornings suck for us! LOL! Not an excuse, just an explanation. Thanks for the validation everyone |
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momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
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Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Nov 20, 2014 15:04:17 GMT
So did this happen today? If so we need an update tomorrow morning Think your solution to the problem is great and i'm guessing it won't take too many mornings for him to get up and out on time! |
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Post by mrsscrapdiva on Nov 20, 2014 15:09:03 GMT
Keep Strong Mom! Good job and stick to it.
I think sometimes you have to do what you have to do to get them to fully understand the ramifications of their actions.
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Deleted
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Aug 18, 2025 20:58:13 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 20, 2014 15:10:30 GMT
So did this happen today? If so we need an update tomorrow morning Think your solution to the problem is great and i'm guessing it won't take too many mornings for him to get up and out on time! Yes this happened today. |
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Post by hop2 on Nov 20, 2014 15:21:11 GMT
Yes I'll validate you. Often times with teenagers having the consequences ( detention ) coming from somewhere other than the parents works so much better.
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