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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Oct 27, 2021 13:08:51 GMT
10/27/2021 : An update, and thank you...
First, thank you, to each and every one of you who've posted on this thread. It has meant so much to me.
I thought I would go though and answer each question, make individual comments, but I just can't. I don't have enough spoons (for those that know what Spoon Theory is, that will make more sense than for those that don't).
There is so much work that comes with an unexpected death in the home. Just the logistics of, well, everything. And there is just so little time to even take a breath. I feel like there are certain bits of advice that every family facing this should be given, but some that may seem TMI or just too intense. I am glad we set up arrangements with a funeral home the day before, so that after a nurse came out to pronounce my mother, we just had to call them and they came out within a couple hours.
When a person passes at home, there is a cleanup that no one warned us about, that must be done immediately. I did that. I was very grateful for the waterproof mattress cover, but perhaps I looked like a lunatic taking trashbag after trashbag of soiled & soaked linens out of the house at one AM. But it HAD to be done right then. And it was no job for my father.
To anyone who ever wondered what you should do for a grieving family:
Bring food. Seriously. Or a giftcard and send the menus with it. No one brought us food, and I have spent the past almost week ordering Chinese, hoagies, diner fare, pizza, wings, sandwiches, etc. Costly, and I had two extra people to feed that were visiting. I had zero time & energy to cook. Today will be the first meal I'm cooking.
Along those lines, just bring heavy duty paper plates, plastic cups, napkins, and plastic cutlery. And heavy duty trash bags while you're at it.
Reach out. With cards. Texts. Emails. Please don't just drop by. I can't entertain you. Text me and ask if I would like you to call me to talk, or if there would be a better time.
Reach out to me a month after, too. I'm on survival mode right now, keeping my kids and father okay.
Understand that everyone grieves so differently. I haven't cried. I am sad. I am worn. But if I let it go, I will not be strong enough to keep the household together. Some in the household sob multiple times everyday, and that's okay too. Some still laugh at things during the day, and that's also okay. Every type of grieving is okay. Don't judge it, and don't ask why someone isn't grieving a certain way.
Again, thank you Pea Friends, for being here for me. I will probably post again some time about this, or maybe just on something else too. Thank you, again.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Nov 24, 2024 1:30:39 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 27, 2021 14:17:06 GMT
What a devastating loss. I’m so sorry it happened, and so tragically so.
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peasquared
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,763 
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Post by peasquared on Oct 27, 2021 14:28:27 GMT
You have been on my mind so much. There are so many things we just don't know or think about until we are faced with it. I hope you get a chance to catch your breathe, and also that you are blessed with strength during that time. Sometimes a busy mind is easier.  Big hugs! |
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Post by scrapmaven on Oct 27, 2021 15:26:48 GMT
Your update is filled w/great ideas and complete and total truth. I didn't cry for several weeks after my mother passed away. At first, you're just too busy w/arrangements, cleaning up, calling people to let them know, banking, etc. Also, you're taking care of everyone else in your family.
Your requests are absolutely spot on, especially the dinners and gift cards. No one has time to cook and you're taking care of others. Also, ITA that as much as people want to be there w/you, you're in no position to be the hostess w/the mostess. Right now you're pulling it together so that everything doesn't unravel. BTW-it won't unravel if you cry. It's healthy and OK to let it out when it's there. I wish I had been able to do so.
The final thing that caught my attention was when you asked people to be there for you in a month. YES YES YES! You don't grieve for a week. The hard part is after the first few weeks, because that's when things catch up w/you and life has gone back to normal around you. Ask for what you need. People who truly care about you will provide that level of support.
Finally, joy will return. You'll find a new normal and believe it or not when you think of your mother you'll smile and even laugh. This comes much later, but it absolutely happens. My mother passed away many many years ago and I'm happy. At first I thought I'd never be happy ever again, but grief subsides and you heal. You will get through this. For now, be very gentle w/yourself and allow those who love and care about you to help take care of you.
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Post by mikklynn on Oct 27, 2021 15:34:54 GMT
I can't imagine how hard this has all been for you. I think of you often, LavenderLayoutLady. |
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Post by workingclassdog on Oct 27, 2021 15:50:44 GMT
What a good update on what to do. I have never thought of a death at home and how to deal with it. I feel I am fortunate enough that I have a group of friends who would immediately get a food chain going on, homemade or gift cards...
The other stuff, good advice.. I'm sure that was difficult and I'm so sorry. Hang in there!!! xoxo
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Post by papersilly on Oct 27, 2021 16:45:06 GMT
When a person passes at home, there is a cleanup that no one warned us about, that must be done immediately. I did that. I was very grateful for the waterproof mattress cover, but perhaps I looked like a lunatic taking trashbag after trashbag of soiled & soaked linens out of the house at one AM. But it HAD to be done right then. And it was no job for my father.
my mom and FIL both died in their homes. hospice never mentioned this to my family or DH's. i learned something new today. |
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scrappert
Prolific Pea
RefuPea #2956
Posts: 7,960
Location: Milwaukee, WI area
Jul 11, 2014 21:20:09 GMT
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Post by scrappert on Oct 27, 2021 17:23:45 GMT
LavenderLayoutLady - I have now just read your post and I want to say how sorry I am that you lost your mom. I could have written your post as that is what also happened with my mom, from diagnosis to passing it was 28 days when they also said she had 4-6 months. It was also liver cancer, stage 4. She did not make it home from an appointment at the Mayo clinic, her body was shutting down so that is where she passed. My heart breaks for you and your family, especially your dad. I have no words of advice, I just want to surround you in prayer and peace.
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Post by jlynnbarth on Oct 27, 2021 17:39:26 GMT
I agree with your update so much! We had ONE family (a neighbor of my Mom's that I had never met before she passed) that just showed up, out of the blue, with a full homemade Mexican meal for us. It was the kindest thing that happened for us. We were starving and didn't even realize that we hadn't really eaten more than crackers and grapes for 2 days. I will never ever forget that family. I tell so many people about them. They were such a blessing to us. No one else showed up in support, not even supposed good friends. Strangers showed up! Ugh. I could cry just thinking about it.
I'm praying for you. I know how hard these first few days/weeks are. Hugs to you!
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Elsabelle
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,688
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Post by Elsabelle on Oct 27, 2021 21:07:52 GMT
Your update is so thoughtful, helpful, and brilliant. I'm sorry no one brought you food. I wish I could have brought you some comfort food and hugged you. I hope that you're getting hugs and that soon you'll have time to feel your feelings and be comforted.
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Post by catck on Oct 27, 2021 21:24:38 GMT
So very sorry for the loss of your mum and angry that the doctors did not do more before it was too late. Take care of yourself, hugs.
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Ryann
Pearl Clutcher
Love is Inclusive
Posts: 2,643
Location: PNW
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Post by Ryann on Oct 27, 2021 21:41:57 GMT
I'm so very sorry for the loss of your mother. And thank you for giving so much of yourself to us now, when really it should be the other way around.  |
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Post by lesserknownpea on Oct 27, 2021 21:54:58 GMT
I read your update. Your comments are so spot on regarding how to be supportive I’m going to save them for whenever I need reminders should a friend be going through a death.
When my mom died, the hospice nurse helped us clean up. This was in ‘92. I wonder if things have changed because of the pandemic? In times past, this was a kind service done by the women in a community as a matter of course. Your words remind me of why that was.
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Post by Jennifer C on Oct 27, 2021 22:08:19 GMT
I am so very, very sorry. Hugs and prayers of comfort for all of your family.
Jennifer
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Post by mollycoddle on Oct 27, 2021 22:11:46 GMT
I read your update. Hugs to you, my dear. You will make it through this, one step at a time. We are here if you need to talk.
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AllieC
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,090
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Post by AllieC on Oct 27, 2021 22:34:34 GMT
I'm so sorry for your loss. Thinking of you and your family.
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Post by paperaddictedpea on Oct 27, 2021 22:57:22 GMT
I’m so very for your loss, and that your mother went undiagnosed and untreated for so long.
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Post by rst on Oct 28, 2021 0:00:37 GMT
Lavender Lady -- I'm only just now seeing this, but I wanted to reach out. Your being there, being the person who managed everything, advocated for pain control, dealt with the hard and messy things-- that was a beautiful gift of love for your mother. While she may not have exhibited consciousness of all you did for her, her spirit knows. I grieve with you in the loss of a dear one who is gone too soon. Be very gentle and kind with your own self in the coming weeks and months. The experience of being there as your mom was actively dying will take a toll on your body and spirit. Be as proactive in finding ways of caring and healing for yourself as you were in caring for your mother. After the death of my son, I found yoga was very helpful both physically and emotionally.
Gentle hugs to you--RST
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Post by denda on Oct 28, 2021 14:20:51 GMT
Praying for comfort for you and your family.
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Post by flanz on Oct 28, 2021 14:31:38 GMT
LavenderLayoutLady - I have now just read your post and I want to say how sorry I am that you lost your mom. I could have written your post as that is what also happened with my mom, from diagnosis to passing it was 28 days when they also said she had 4-6 months. It was also liver cancer, stage 4. She did not make it home from an appointment at the Mayo clinic, her body was shutting down so that is where she passed. My heart breaks for you and your family, especially your dad. I have no words of advice, I just want to surround you in prayer and peace. Sending much love to both of you. I'm so very sorry that you've both experienced this devastating loss. LavenderLayoutLady - thank you for sharing your advice re: how we can help our friends in this situation. It sounds brutal. |
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msliz
Drama Llama
The Procrastinator
Posts: 6,419
Jun 26, 2014 21:32:34 GMT
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Post by msliz on Oct 28, 2021 14:54:49 GMT
I'm very sorry for your loss. Your family is in my thoughts.
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Post by Linda on Oct 28, 2021 16:41:04 GMT
((((Hugs))) and prayers.
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