luckyjune
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,687
Location: In the rainy, rainy WA
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Jul 22, 2017 4:59:41 GMT
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Post by luckyjune on Nov 4, 2021 19:48:33 GMT
Let me begin with I have great friends. Trustworthy, loyal, and wonderful. I never feel left out or under appreciated. Old neighbors, new neighbors, friends from past jobs, even from when I was a kid at summer camp. It's all good.
However, there are situations in life where I feel I'm easily forgotten...as in, "Have we met?" when we have...several times-forgotten. I shared this with DH years ago and he pointed out that I have great friends and that I'm probably reading more into it than anything. I admit that I'm super sensitive to interactions and picking up on social cues. I get that and have to monitor myself to make sure I'm not making things a bigger deal than they are.
Fast forward to this year. I take a new job (working with DH) and we are at a two-day conference. The person leading the meeting comes up to me and shakes my hand and gets that look on his face. No worries, we've met once, on Zoom, so I tell him my name, we chat for a bit and move on. Later in the meeting, I'm giving a presentation. I introduce myself, explain my new job, and proceed to give a twenty minute presentation. Later that afternoon, the same person who didn't know my name earlier is going around the room, eliciting feedback, calling each person by their name. He gets to me and says, "I'm sorry, I've forgotten your name." DH looked at me with "OMG" eyes.
DH and I were both teachers for many years. When we are out and about, 40 something adults will approach him and say, "Hey, are you Mr. XYZ from _______ school? You were my teacher when I was 13." I NEVER have former students approach me. I look similar to how I did, just as DH does. I have all the notes, art projects, cards, and gifts that tell me I made a difference and was loved as a teacher. But statistically, don't you think DH and I would be recognized at about the same rate?
This is feeling pretty fresh because it happened again in a work meeting on Zoom this morning. So, what is the deal? I'm not socially awkward. I don't smell. I can converse on just about any topic. I go out of my way to make people feel included and part of community. I'm a very low-needs person. People always comment on how kind and helpful I am. But it's like I'm made of Teflon...nothing sticks.
Anyone else feel this way? Any insights? Again, I'm not looking to make friends; that's not the issue. But I'd sure like to know why people look so surprised when they say, "I don't think we've met" and I say, "Yes, we have. Twice."
ETA: I just re-read this and I'm worried that it will come off as attention seeking. That is not my intention at all. I really am interested in knowing why this happens!
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Post by tentoes on Nov 4, 2021 20:03:31 GMT
I tend to be a background person and an introvert, so not being recognized wouldn't bother me in the least. In fact, I might get joy in that. More so, even, since my husband died. Now I'm "the lady that husband died."
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Post by tuva42 on Nov 4, 2021 20:10:12 GMT
As for your husband being remembered more often, think about how many male teachers most kids have in their lifetime, versus female. I think my oldest DD had maybe 1 or 2 male teachers from preschool through high school. So of course, they become more memorable.
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Post by Prenticekid on Nov 4, 2021 20:11:28 GMT
Technically, in the example you gave, he just forgot your name - he remembered you. I can see that happening under the circumstances described.
That doesn't answer your question though, huh? LOL I think I'm forgettable - people who should remember me don't seem to sometimes. Like members of my church who don't remember me outside of church, when we've been sitting near each other for years and have been on committees together. But, I can't even say that because then there are people who've met me a couple of times at work, then see me on the street and say hello like we are besties.
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Post by colleen on Nov 4, 2021 20:26:38 GMT
This is so interesting to me. I had a dear friend (she just passed away last summer) and she always noticed this sort of thing. She too was a teacher in a small city and was recognized fairly often, but nothing like her husband. A few years ago one of my son's college roommates recognized her at a district meeting and she was tickled pink. At her funeral there were nearly 400 people people, so she was clearly very loved, but I know when people she'd met before didn't remember her she felt invisible.
She wasn't an introvert, and she was very friendly, but I think she was a little reserved when she first met people and that's why she didn't always make a huge first (or second) impression.
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Post by laurasw on Nov 4, 2021 20:44:11 GMT
I was just talking to my husband about this same thing. I completely know how you feel. It happens to me, too. I was wondering if maybe I just remember more about other people or recognize people more? Am I more observant(or nosy lol)?
My kids went to the same school as the kids of one lady, we did school fundraisers/field trips together, played Bunco together sometimes where we discussed our kids and their activities as we sat at the same table, live in the same neighborhood so have a lot of mutual friends but last year when her daughter was in choir with mine she asked if I went to her church because I looked familiar. I was thinking about the dozens of times we had been around each other and I remembered everything and she thought I just might look familiar.
Another mom that I had been around multiple times over the last few years introduced herself at a family day event for choir this summer like she had never seen me before. Later that day she looked at me and was like "Wait, are you the person that does photography?" And I am, so she remembered that. I've seen her a few times since and we always say hello. Fast forward to last week and she is helping at a sign up thing at the school and she goes about explaining what I need to fill out and do on the computer as if I'm a stranger and was new to the entire thing.
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Post by Zee on Nov 4, 2021 20:51:39 GMT
I'd have to say no, unless I want to be. The joy of being a middle aged woman is that you can absolutely blend into the background in any situation if you like. Glasses, hair back, no makeup, I could probably murder someone in the street and no one would remember seeing me. Glam on, it's a different story. Also I kind of have a bold personality when I feel like it so that also makes me memorable if I want to be remembered.
I think a lot of it comes down to superficial appearances, honestly. You remember people who stand out in the crowd for whatever reason.
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pilcas
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,143
Aug 14, 2015 21:47:17 GMT
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Post by pilcas on Nov 4, 2021 20:59:49 GMT
It’s probably more about the other person than you. I am terrible about remembering names. I will know the person but don’t recall their name.
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Post by cindyupnorth on Nov 4, 2021 21:24:09 GMT
I find I am very very forgettable. I have the usual Scandinavian plain MN look, so I blend in. I am middle aged. I am not loud, stand out, or have a bright personality. I am usually quiet and try to blend in. Here's the thing that does bug me. I have worked at the SAME job, in the SAME dept, in the SAME area for 37 flipping years, and people that also have worked there for several yrs, do not know my name. WTH?
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Post by MichyM on Nov 4, 2021 21:38:31 GMT
I’m just the opposite, and I know it’s because of my hair. A blessing, and a curse.
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Post by Legacy Girl on Nov 4, 2021 21:44:40 GMT
I don't know why people aren't remembering you, but I might be a little gentler with my reply when they say you haven't met. I think I would say, "Oh, I understand! We had the pleasure of meeting at Julie's house back in October. So nice to see you again!" Otherwise, it sounds like you are either arguing with them or carrying some bitterness, which you may not be.
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paget
Drama Llama
Posts: 7,024
Jun 25, 2014 21:16:39 GMT
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Post by paget on Nov 4, 2021 22:08:56 GMT
My guess with the former teacher angle with you and dh is that he is male. Statistically, I bet people have more female teachers than male and so they may stand out a bit more.
I agree in your other example he remembered meeting you that day but forgot your name.
I feel like this happens to me, too, but I think it happens to a lot of people. I just remember other people really well because I’m pretty observant and probably listening more than speaking so it makes sense. I get strangers thinking we’ve met before so I must look pretty average and like plenty of other people!
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rgibson
Full Member
Posts: 467
Apr 26, 2021 22:49:21 GMT
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Post by rgibson on Nov 4, 2021 22:24:24 GMT
I was just talking to my husband about this same thing. I completely know how you feel. It happens to me, too. I was wondering if maybe I just remember more about other people or recognize people more? Am I more observant(or nosy lol)? I have a really really good memory, and can recall way too much information about friends and acquaintances, information they have long forgotten and way more than they remember about me. I don't take it personally, I realize it's my super power, lol. I have run into some folks who are just too lazy to remember people, unless of course, they can do something for them, but that is a whole different thread. I'd have to say no, unless I want to be. The joy of being a middle aged woman is that you can absolutely blend into the background in any situation if you like. I am an introvert and hearing impaired - being middle aged and blending into the background is my favourite thing.
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Post by AussieMeg on Nov 4, 2021 22:40:04 GMT
Yes, I have definitely felt as though I am forgettable at times. It used to bug the crap out of me that people would always remember one of my best friends, but seemed not to remember me, even if we met them at the same time. She is an extrovert and loves to be besties with every person she meets, whereas I am much more reserved, and tend to sit back for a while observing before deciding whether a person is someone I want to be friends with. I’m just the opposite, and I know it’s because of my hair. A blessing, and a curse. Ah yes, I can see that you would be memorable, if your hair is half as lovely as it looks in your cartoon avatar! It makes sense that if someone has an outstanding attribute, such as their height or their brightly coloured glasses or their curly red hair, they are more likely to be remembered. Whereas average people like me are forgotten immediately haha!
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QueenoftheSloths
Drama Llama
Member Since January 2004, 2,698 forum posts PeaNut Number: 122614 PeaBoard Title: StuckOnPeas
Posts: 5,955
Jun 26, 2014 0:29:24 GMT
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Post by QueenoftheSloths on Nov 4, 2021 22:41:01 GMT
I wish I was more forgettable. I have a horrible memory for faces and names and my appearance has changed so little that I was recognized by my first grade teacher a couple years ago. Meanwhile, I am greeted while out in public by former classmates and former coworkers and although sometimes they look familiar, most of the time I haven't got a clue who they are or how I know them. I wish more people were wearing masks here still, because it was the perfect excuse for not recognizing people.
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Post by greendragonlady on Nov 4, 2021 22:48:03 GMT
Yes, I'm completely forgettable.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Nov 4, 2021 23:04:53 GMT
I'm not observant of physical attributes, clothing, things like that. I am more likely to remember you based on how you make me feel. If we have a lukewarm interaction...meh, I'll forget you. If we get together and you make me feel warm and welcome, I will always remember that. If you tell a funny story that makes me laugh hard, I'll remember the joy you gave me. On the flip side if I see you be rude to someone then I'll remember you too.
I don't know if other people are like me and rely on other senses to remember people, so when I meet new people I try to concentrate on making them feel warm and welcomed. I laugh hard. I joke around. I point out nice things I do notice about them outside of looks. I'm far less likely to say nice skirt than I am to listen to a story and tell someone she was so brave. I try to appeal to people's feelings.
Now I'm not sure if that makes me more memorable to them, but it usually results in me being more likely to remember them.
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Post by mom on Nov 4, 2021 23:06:15 GMT
Yes, I am forgettable. My Dh, on the other hand, is not, and I often refer to him as the "Prom Queen' because when we go somewhere he has to stop and say hello and chit chat with all his friends when we first get there.He's never met a stranger. Im certain my husbands height helps people remember him easily.
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Post by busy on Nov 4, 2021 23:09:30 GMT
I would not take that personally, at all. Some people are better at remembering people than others. I am TERRIBLE at recognizing people I don't really know, especially out of context. Like if I run into a parent from a sports team of DS's at the grocery store, chances are I'll have no idea who they are. And I've had a couple careers where I met TONS AND TONS of people. Unless something significant happened at one or more of those meetings, or we had a more extended relationship, I probably will not remember that I ever met them. And it's happened plenty of times that they don't remember me. I don't think it's a judgment of me, and I know it's not a judgment of them when I don't remember. Easier said than done, I'm sure, but try not to take it personally. It's a lot more about the other person than you.
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Post by hmp on Nov 4, 2021 23:31:39 GMT
I would say that I’m invisible. So much so that when I’m traveling people ask me for directions or strike up a conversation in the native language and are shocked to discover I’m an American. I started to take advantage of my invisibility at work. It’s amazing what people will say in front of me. I hear all the dirt and will hold it over someone to get what I want for my patients. People are so surprised that I will do this to them when they “don’t even know me.” I’m so invisible that I’ve been in the emergency room as a patient and have been paged to come & do a consult on myself!
I should’ve been a spy.
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Post by Restless Spirit on Nov 5, 2021 0:11:13 GMT
I am forgettable. I’m also an extreme introvert, so it works for me.
I work a very very very part-time job. When I do come into work I am working with my husband 99% of the time. He works part time, but that means usually less than 40 hours a week. The office personnel and of course my boss know who I am when I come in, but the sales staff that I have minimal interaction with (which is only about five people) have no clue. Every time I come into the building they ask if they can help me with something. it doesn’t really bother me, but it gets tiresome having to tell them who I am. Of course, if I’m with DH, they make the connection and recognize me. However, I think a few of them don’t remember my name.
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Post by MichyM on Nov 5, 2021 0:30:27 GMT
Yes, I have definitely felt as though I am forgettable at times. It used to bug the crap out of me that people would always remember one of my best friends, but seemed not to remember me, even if we met them at the same time. She is an extrovert and loves to be besties with every person she meets, whereas I am much more reserved, and tend to sit back for a while observing before deciding whether a person is someone I want to be friends with. I’m just the opposite, and I know it’s because of my hair. A blessing, and a curse. Ah yes, I can see that you would be memorable, if your hair is half as lovely as it looks in your cartoon avatar! It makes sense that if someone has an outstanding attribute, such as their height or their brightly coloured glasses or their curly red hair, they are more likely to be remembered. Whereas average people like me are forgotten immediately haha! I don’t see you, and several other peas who have their photo in their avatar, to be forgettable at all. I think in general that people just don’t pay as much attention as they should. And luckyjune, on this board (and IG) you’re definitely not forgettable! I have to say that having a noticeable physical attribute is not all sunshine and roses 😏 My sister and I resembled each other enough that I often got mistaken for her (she was 3 years older) until she passed. Imagine: two little curly haired, red headed, freckle faced girls, and then as adults. Sometimes it would have been nice to have flown under the radar a bit! It’s always been a little weird to have people comment on it and ask to touch it.
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Post by mollycoddle on Nov 5, 2021 0:38:53 GMT
I think that people tended to remember me when I was younger, but you become more forgettable or invisible as you get older. It’s not all bad though. People do tend to recognize my voice for some reason. I don’t know why; it’s not anything out of the ordinary.
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Post by colleen on Nov 5, 2021 0:46:57 GMT
People always tell me I look like their cousin or second-grade teacher or long lost friend from kindergarten. It's a little weird. I have always thought I'm the most average person in America -- mostly Irish, a hit of Swedish, a little taller than average. I'm not sure what it is, but I wish I could monetize it.
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Post by lisacharlotte on Nov 5, 2021 0:58:42 GMT
I think a distinguishing feature helps make you memorable. Man in a majority female profession, woman in a predominantly male profession. Curly red hair for sure. My SIL is a curly redhead and everyone remembers her. I’ve been a mid-brown brunette my entire life. I let my hair go gray and it’s surprising the number of people who now know me for silver hair. I’m lucky it came in nicely, dark in back, face framed in silver. At work, more people call me by name in the hallways since going gray than in the previous 13 years there.
Since then, I’ve actively tried to remember other employee’s names and use them when I see them.
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Post by pajamamama on Nov 5, 2021 1:05:36 GMT
I would say no. But I am an extreme extrovert and have a distinctive voice.
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Post by fredfreddy44 on Nov 5, 2021 1:29:18 GMT
Very very much, as much as I mostly like it, I also would like to be good/memorable at something else.
This reminded me of the one self LO I did around 2007, not much has changed except I have settled. It's not like I really did much to try and change things:
"Average. That sums up my life so well. Everything I have done and everything I will probably ever do is average. Ugh. I did so well at school but it went downhill in high school: jr varsity field hockey for four years, no big awards at graduation despite a great GPA, applied to dozens of scholarships but no bites at all. I did get into Cal Poly so that was good. But you had to declare a major and electrical engineering was a mistake. I tried to change, but my GPA wasn’t good enough. I settled on materials engineering because they didn’t care about GPAs. I did the work to graduate but never really got into the studies. I was never passionate about it.
Then came the worst part of my life. Unemployment. I couldn’t find a job…at all. I had temp jobs here and there. I sent out hundreds of resumes and had dozens of interviews. Since I wasn’t passionate about my studies, it showed in my interviews. Who wants to hire someone average after all. It took two and half years to find someone to hire me as a real full time employee. It was so demeaning, but what else can you do but go for another interview? I finally got a job and it was good, but awhile. But it wasn’t what I really wanted to do. During all this I met Joe, which is the best thing that ever happened to me. He is such a rock. I became a step mother to Sara, something else I wasn’t too great at. Lots of pain there. We got married. I didn’t like my job very much so we decided to try and have a baby. Hey I was good at that I guess. Calvin was born less than 10 months after we got married. I wasn’t even good at giving birth. After 24 hours of labor, I had an emergency C-section and was completely unconscious for the birth. I wasn’t a very good mom to a baby. Just ugh.
Life went on and I tried some hobbies. Stained glass and cross stitching never went very far. I found scrapbooking and really loved it. I had to go and think I could get published though. For 18 months I submitted over 200 layouts…and got precisely one published. Wow that blew my ego to shreads. Enough self flagellation there so I decided to try another scrapbooking venture. So I started a scrapbooking business. It is hardly a stellar achievement to date. Average yet again. Motherhood continues to be average. I will never be the ideal mother. I love my kids but a lot of the time I don’t like them very much and just want to be left alone.
So why am I punishing myself by reliving all my averageness? Heck if I know. I don’t blame others for it. Mostly it is my choice to be average. Most of the world is average. Despite what motivational speakers say, not everyone can be spectacular. It everyone was fantastic, then everyone would be average by comparison. I don’t live for affirmations. I don’t care if I am good enough or if everyone likes me…but I would like to be really good at something."
I mean I can't complain. Dh and I are well off for the rest of our lives. Our kids and thriving and mostly like us. But we are really average.
But then, so are most people right?
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Post by melanell on Nov 5, 2021 2:20:36 GMT
I wish I was more forgettable. I have a horrible memory for faces and names and my appearance has changed so little that I was recognized by my first grade teacher a couple years ago. Meanwhile, I am greeted while out in public by former classmates and former coworkers and although sometimes they look familiar, most of the time I haven't got a clue who they are or how I know them. I wish more people were wearing masks here still, because it was the perfect excuse for not recognizing people. You're just like my husband. Absolutely everyone remembers him for some reason. And the poor guy can't remember names or even faces, really, to save his life. We are always running into people who know him from somewhere--even if just in passing. And he never knows who they are.
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gsquaredmom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,091
Jun 26, 2014 17:43:22 GMT
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Post by gsquaredmom on Nov 5, 2021 2:32:43 GMT
Yes. Happens all the time. It used to bother me, but now I am older and no longer care.
But all of us ultimately are unless we are somehow historically important.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Nov 5, 2021 3:48:07 GMT
It’s probably more about the other person than you. I am terrible about remembering names. I will know the person but don’t recall their name. This is me exactly. No matter what I do, it will take me six months and multiple reminders to remember the name of someone I just met. I will remember a face forever so I’ll remember that I have met the person before, but the minute I walk away I forget the name every time. It drives me crazy too, because I will stand there thinking and thinking, “I *KNOW* that I know that person… where do I know them FROM? And what the heck is their name? ARRRGGHH!” I’ve been like that my entire life.
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