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Post by Darcy Collins on Nov 7, 2021 17:57:52 GMT
And I'm just going to state bluntly - I think it's bullshit that so many posters are taking zero consideration of the HUSBAND'S feelings. Especially as this is his family. I think my husband and I do a great job of putting up with the idiosyncrasies of our respective families for SHORT durations. Now regular, disruptive/offensive stuff is a whole other thing. But a very occasional visit when people want to sleep on air mattresses, so they can spend time together or (in my husband's family's case) want to visit and not worry about driving later - I deal.
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finaledition
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,896 
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Post by finaledition on Nov 7, 2021 18:09:36 GMT
Eh, I don't know if it sounds rude. You're house sounds bigger then my parents though, and we used to all pile in there. Now we split it up between my and my brother's family. One stays in a hotel one yr, and we change off. My parents have 1 spare bedroom, upstairs, and 1 bathroom. I guess I would wonder WHY the guests would want to do it? vs get a hotel? Cheapness, and also they enjoy everyone being together 24 hours a day. I do not enjoy it. I need some alone time. You could be me 😬This would stress me out. |
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Post by voltagain on Nov 7, 2021 18:17:22 GMT
Why don't YOU get the hotel room and let everyone else stay at the house!  I hope this was sarcasm otherwise this is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. Leave my house, pay for a hotel and let “strangers” have full run of my house. INSANE. They aren't strangers off the streets. They are the family of the ops spouse. I am sure he and his family would love to spend as much time as possible together. So it seems quite logical for the OP to get a room where she can go, not share a bathroom with a dozen other people and not worry if she is being rude by going to sleep too early or sleeping in or getting up early. Her dh can play host to his family while she enjoys some solitude. |
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Post by Basket1lady on Nov 7, 2021 18:17:23 GMT
And I'm just going to state bluntly - I think it's bullshit that so many posters are taking zero consideration of the HUSBAND'S feelings. Especially as this is his family. I think my husband and I do a great job of putting up with the idiosyncrasies of our respective families for SHORT durations. Now regular, disruptive/offensive stuff is a whole other thing. But a very occasional visit when people want to sleep on air mattresses, so they can spend time together or (in my husband's family's case) want to visit and not worry about driving later - I deal. I do agree with you to some extent, but the reality in our family would be that DH would have to work until 7pm, and it would be me to deal with the family, the meal, the kids, the laundry, the grocery shopping, the chaos… He would come in and take everyone out for ice cream or to a museum and be the hero while I'd work to prep meals and clean bathrooms. If he was really wanting his family at the house AND HE WOULD BE THERE, I would consider it. But in reality, my DH probably would like the idea of it and hate the reality. |
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Post by dewryce on Nov 7, 2021 18:20:52 GMT
And I'm just going to state bluntly - I think it's bullshit that so many posters are taking zero consideration of the HUSBAND'S feelings. Especially as this is his family. I think my husband and I do a great job of putting up with the idiosyncrasies of our respective families for SHORT durations. Now regular, disruptive/offensive stuff is a whole other thing. But a very occasional visit when people want to sleep on air mattresses, so they can spend time together or (in my husband's family's case) want to visit and not worry about driving later - I deal. There is no way my husband would want them there all day if I was going to be miserable, and that goes both ways. Not inconvenienced*, flat out miserable. (And my case, also in more pain). She’s not saying they wouldn’t be welcome at all, just that she can’t deal with company all day and all night. I think having them there during the day but not sleeping there is a good compromise. * eta: Merge has discussed her anxiety before and I know how much stress can affect that. |
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Post by bearmom on Nov 7, 2021 18:42:56 GMT
It would be a discussion between dh and I, once we have an agreement, then we relay it to our family. We have gone both ways, sometimes family stays and sometimes not.
The right answer isn’t clear cut.
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Post by SockMonkey on Nov 7, 2021 18:45:56 GMT
It is NOT rude. You're not a hotel.
"We are happy to host you for Thanksgiving dinner if your plans bring you to town. We can recommend a few hotels in the area if you are planning on staying overnight."
PERIOD!
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Post by Zee on Nov 7, 2021 18:47:05 GMT
That's a really rough situation for you, I agree! I have had DH family stay and it gets a little stressful for me. I usually choose to pick up extra shifts and just say darnit, I have to work. Everyone wins.
Too bad that's not an option for you! Best of luck, I hope you figure out a good compromise without offending them.
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Post by SockMonkey on Nov 7, 2021 18:48:58 GMT
12 people in a 2 bedroom house is too many. TOO MANY.
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Post by SockMonkey on Nov 7, 2021 18:50:44 GMT
I hope this was sarcasm otherwise this is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. Leave my house, pay for a hotel and let “strangers” have full run of my house. INSANE. They aren't strangers off the streets. They are the family of the ops spouse. I am sure he and his family would love to spend as much time as possible together. So it seems quite logical for the OP to get a room where she can go, not share a bathroom with a dozen other people and not worry if she is being rude by going to sleep too early or sleeping in or getting up early. Her dh can play host to his family while she enjoys some solitude. Her DH's family don't need to sleep there. Merge shouldn't expend extra expense on top of serving a meal for 12 people. They can get a room where they can sleep and shower, and her DH can still spend plenty of time with them. I do NOT understand this adult sleepover situation when these people are perfectly capable of getting hotel rooms. |
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maryannscraps
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,803
Aug 28, 2017 12:51:28 GMT
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Post by maryannscraps on Nov 7, 2021 18:52:13 GMT
Why don't YOU get the hotel room and let everyone else stay at the house! I hope this was sarcasm otherwise this is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. Leave my house, pay for a hotel and let “strangers” have full run of my house. INSANE. I thought it was funny and a great idea. First of all, I looove having a hotel room to myself. Second, they aren’t strangers. It’s her husband’s family. I love making thanksgiving dinner, but hate planning breakfast, lunch, and dinner for a mob for five days, which is how it used to work at my house. This year my kitchen and primary bath are under construction so I arranged for hotel rooms and t-giving dinner reservations for us all. I love having my family stay, but then I have a big house with plenty of extra bathrooms and bedrooms. |
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Post by Merge on Nov 7, 2021 19:05:58 GMT
Thanks all for the input. To clarify - DH would also love for them *not* to stay here. He just doesn’t want to make waves. His mother and sister (and sister’s husband) would be the ones most likely to want to stay. We’ve already set aside the guest room for his mom as she can least afford a hotel on her fixed income (we also pay for her plane ticket).
DH’s brother and his family (wife and young adult children) probably won’t mind a hotel/AirBnB at all. It’s really his sister I’m concerned about. We all get along fine, but we’re not so close that I want to come out in the morning to make tea and find her and her husband snoring on the living room floor, KWIM?
Also, from past experience, I will do all of the meal planning, shopping, and cooking myself. We will pay for everything including food and wine/cocktails. DH will almost certainly have some kind of work emergency (he’s head of IT for a small 24/7/365 company and something always blows up over the holidays), leaving me to entertain everyone. It’s not a matter of inconvenience. It’s me, the introvert, trying to set some boundaries so I can actually enjoy the time we do spend together, and not feel like I need a vacation from my vacation when I go back to school.
Anyway. I appreciate all the perspectives. I’ll let you know what happens!
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Post by Merge on Nov 7, 2021 19:07:16 GMT
Why don't YOU get the hotel room and let everyone else stay at the house! Now there’s an idea! 😂 |
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Post by ameslou on Nov 7, 2021 19:09:35 GMT
I may be misreading the OP, but to me there’s a bit of “DH’s family is inviting themselves to Thanksgiving hosted at my home.”
I think it’s absolutely appropriate to know what you are personally able to do. Saying to DH that “Im able to do X as a host, but am not able to do X plus Y” is a beautiful thing to do.
IMHO it’s rude to expect that someone would be OK with hosting and preparing for, cleaning up after a large holiday meal plus also letting you literally *crash on the floor*. No, just no.
If the only way this works is that you do X plus Y, which is beyond your personal boundaries then let someone else host.
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Post by Merge on Nov 7, 2021 19:10:05 GMT
Rude or not, I think is going to be very specific to family culture. Your dh knows best if they will take it as rude. I agree with you about having people sleeping on my living room floor is super stressful. It always means someone (or everyone) has to go to bed too early or too late and get up too early or too late because of beds in the common areas of the house. I would express how excited I am to see them but also acknowledge for sanity sake it is best to get hotel rooms. You can accommodate "mom" so she can spend extra time with her son. Or you get a hotel room so you can have a private bathroom and be able to turn off being the hostess on duty by leaving the house. Agree that it depends entirely on the family culture. In my family, visiting family and suggesting we stay in a hotel is akin to telling them they are garbage, have a garbage home, I’m too good to sleep on a couch and don’t want to visit. I know this from experience. In my family visits are to spend 100% of time together in a space together. So even if some members of your family might prefer a hotel they might not say so. That said, I believe strongly in setting boundaries that are healthy for me even if they go against family culture, so do what maintains your sanity. Also, the AirBnB option could be a great compromise. Hahahaha. We almost always stay in a hotel when visiting family for this reason. I am definitely too old to sleep on a couch! I will totally own being the princess in the family and don’t mind taking crap for it. |
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Post by gramasue on Nov 7, 2021 19:17:57 GMT
I could never deal with that many people in my house round the clock, whether it's DH's family or mine. I also do not understand why a middle-aged adult would even want to sleep on an air mattress on the floor. I guess I value my privacy too much, for sleeping and for the bathroom. DH feels the same way. When we visit out-of-town relatives or friends, we always get a hotel room, even though we're usually invited to stay with those people. I'm pretty sure nobody has been insulted by our choice to have our private space.
I think your best solution is to relay the message that 1) you are really looking forward to seeing everyone and 2) you are comfortable having X number of people stay over, and offer some suggestions for a nearby hotel or motel for the rest of them. Let them decide who goes where to sleep. I hope your DH understands your point of view on this, and that you all get to enjoy your Thanksgiving visit.
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Post by NanaKate on Nov 7, 2021 19:20:47 GMT
“We’d love to see you guys for Thanksgiving and I’d be happy to serve dinner. MIL will be staying with us. Since we only have one spare room, would you like me to send you the info on the hotels closest to our house?”
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Post by epeanymous on Nov 7, 2021 19:32:05 GMT
I negotiated this early in our marriage: I am not hosting people. We have never really had room (our house is a decent size but I already have kids sharing rooms), and I keep weird hours (I get up at 4-4:30 and go to bed by 10). I am also an only child and I need more control over my days.
Nope. Nope. Nope. I just can’t imagine demanding to stay with someone (and personally won’t do it).
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Nov 7, 2021 19:40:56 GMT
Eh, I don't know if it sounds rude. You're house sounds bigger then my parents though, and we used to all pile in there. Now we split it up between my and my brother's family. One stays in a hotel one yr, and we change off. My parents have 1 spare bedroom, upstairs, and 1 bathroom. I guess I would wonder WHY the guests would want to do it? vs get a hotel? Cheapness, and also they enjoy everyone being together 24 hours a day. I do not enjoy it. I need some alone time. Book yourself into a Five Star hotel and have them let you know when it’s dinner time!! 😂 |
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Post by nine on Nov 7, 2021 19:46:37 GMT
I feel the same. I don’t like people sleeping all over the house. It’s not rude to just give them a list of hotels in your area and say you’re just not set up for people spending the night.
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Post by alsomsknit on Nov 7, 2021 20:05:22 GMT
Definitely not rude. If they get offended, it is their problem. I will not make myself miserable to accommodate other people. DH’s say goes as far as his assistance in preparing for, entertaining, and the clean up afterwards. Historically, this means no overnight guests.
Bad guests is the reason we no longer have a guest room.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Nov 7, 2021 20:18:00 GMT
Thanks all for the input. To clarify - DH would also love for them *not* to stay here. He just doesn’t want to make waves. His mother and sister (and sister’s husband) would be the ones most likely to want to stay. We’ve already set aside the guest room for his mom as she can least afford a hotel on her fixed income (we also pay for her plane ticket). DH’s brother and his family (wife and young adult children) probably won’t mind a hotel/AirBnB at all. It’s really his sister I’m concerned about. We all get along fine, but we’re not so close that I want to come out in the morning to make tea and find her and her husband snoring on the living room floor, KWIM? Also, from past experience, I will do all of the meal planning, shopping, and cooking myself. We will pay for everything including food and wine/cocktails. DH will almost certainly have some kind of work emergency (he’s head of IT for a small 24/7/365 company and something always blows up over the holidays), leaving me to entertain everyone. It’s not a matter of inconvenience. It’s me, the introvert, trying to set some boundaries so I can actually enjoy the time we do spend together, and not feel like I need a vacation from my vacation when I go back to school. Anyway. I appreciate all the perspectives. I’ll let you know what happens! With added info on your husband - book them an airbnb close where they can have their adult sleep over and you have space - they can be cheap and you can be free of extra bodies. |
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Post by melanell on Nov 7, 2021 20:22:25 GMT
I don't think it's rude at all. I'd be perfectly fine with some inviting me to dinner, but letting me know that the they are not able to provide accommodations. And as a middle-aged adult, I probably wouldn't even want to stay at someone's home in a common area over a holiday. Holidays are fun and lovely---and they can be exhausting. And so at some point, I like to know that I have a nice peaceful room to go back to and cozy up and stay there as long as I want, and get ready as slowly as I want, etc. If it were an event specifically meant to be a sleepover situation--like the sleepover was the actual event--then fine. I've gone to girls' night type sleepovers and we crashed on the floor and it was fine.  And I've piled adult cousins into a small space once because we were nostalgic for the days when we used to all want to sleep over at Grandma's house together. But for the most part, when it comes to sleeping after prepping and enjoying a holiday, I'd prefer my own space--and an actual bed. And if the event were happening at my own home, then I'd prefer not to have people all over the place who I had to tiptoe around if I needed anything in those spaces. So I totally back you up on this. |
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Post by melanell on Nov 7, 2021 20:29:20 GMT
On the other hand, if they stay in a hotel them they feel like they have to ask permission to come over and they want to be together. Maybe if the family would be going to the hotel Thursday night, they could say something along the lines of "We'll have a light continental breakfast/brunch/donuts/pastries/coffee/tea/whatever here starting at 10am tomorrow for anyone interested.", to both let them know they are welcome to come over for more visiting on Friday, but to also clue them in not to show up at 7am. (And by all means, I'd say to go right ahead and just buy a bunch of muffins, pastries, bagels, whatever to serve. Thanksgiving dinner is enough cooking to expect of anyone in my book.) |
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Post by chaosisapony on Nov 7, 2021 20:29:35 GMT
I think this really depends on the family involved. In my family it would be pretty rude to tell someone they couldn't plop themselves on an air mattress in the living room for a night. We have had family in each spare bedroom, in our travel trailer, and all over the floor numerous times. It's not a big house but it's for a night or two for a specific event. We have fun and have had up to 7 people spend the night plus those that live there for a total of 10 with only two bathrooms and it's been fine.
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Post by littlemama on Nov 7, 2021 20:31:57 GMT
No, it isnt rude
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Post by melanell on Nov 7, 2021 20:40:36 GMT
Thanks all for the input. To clarify - DH would also love for them *not* to stay here. He just doesn’t want to make waves. This is exactly where my mind went when I read your OP. I saw others talking about your DH wanting them there or whatnot and I kept thinking "Where in the heck did it say he actually wants them to stay over?"  And I understand not wanting to make waves, because I am that kind of person, but if everyone is going to have a nice time together, the hosts need a chance to refresh & recharge sometimes. And letting them sleep elsewhere is a great way to do that. I've been on the flip side of this, too---where a relative had plenty of space, but I just didn't want to stay there. The house is lovely. The relative is lovely, but we're a family with kids & the kids need a recharge just as much as the adults. So I told them we'd be staying at a hotel and I think they were a bit unhappy about that at first, but I told them the truth--we're a little high maintenance on a 24/7 basis. We're great in small doses, but you don't want us moving in for the weekend, I promise you. And they did ultimately understand. |
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kate
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,597
Location: The city that doesn't sleep
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Jun 26, 2014 3:30:05 GMT
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Post by kate on Nov 7, 2021 21:02:50 GMT
Are there any airbnbs in your neighborhood? Maybe they would respond better to a self-contained rental space in walking distance than to a motel. This, 1000x! In our case, it's DH and I who show up with a minivan full of kids and a dog. Our last family visit, we got an airbnb because I was worried about being able to distance if someone started feeling unwell. My mom loved it - we spent our days at her house from morning til night, but we slept, showered, and breakfasted at the airbnb - and my teens could sleep in if they wanted, or DH could work for a couple of hours in the quiet house if he needed to. We're going to do it again at Christmas. Maybe your DH's family could all get a house together, so they'd still have the fun feeling of a crowd, but not take up your floors(!) and overtax your bathrooms. |
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lizacreates
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,862
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Post by lizacreates on Nov 7, 2021 21:05:32 GMT
My opinion: Twelve altogether is just too many.
We’re not talking about people who are skint. They can afford hotel rooms. I’ve hosted many a Thanksgiving in my time and it takes an incredible amount of work with the shopping, prepping, cooking, entertaining, cleaning up, etc. To have to take care of guests after the event is not something I am willing to do. That’d get on my last nerve. And, really…two bathrooms for twelve people for a couple of days? Uh…no.
They’d be in nearby hotels, not Timbuktu. Get together the following day, dine out, see shows, sightsee, whatever y’all want to do for fun. There’ll be plenty of togetherness time.
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sassyangel
Drama Llama
Posts: 7,456
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Post by sassyangel on Nov 7, 2021 21:28:26 GMT
It’s not rude, I back you 100%.
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And I've piled adult cousins into a small space once because we were nostalgic for the days when we used to all want to sleep over at Grandma's house together.
