|
|
Post by Fidget on Dec 17, 2021 19:55:49 GMT
I finally got around to doing an ancestry DNA and lo and behold I found a relative I wasn't aware of.
This young lady was adopted by a family member of her bio Mom, so she knows all about her mom's side of the family. Long story short, based on a few email exchanges with her, I'm 100% sure her bio dad is one of my nephews (one of my sisters sons - she has 6). Although I can't be 100% sure which nephew, based on the age of the Bio Mom and the young lady, it's most likely my sister's oldest son who died a few years ago (sudden heart attack when he was in his mid 40's). This particular nephew has 3 children all who are younger than the young lady who I believe is his child.
I have no idea if my sister is aware or if my nephew was even aware that this person exists. The young lady informed me that her mom claimed that she didn't know who her bio dad was.
My sister who is older than me has many grandchildren, she is EXTREMELY religious. I don't know how she would react to this information. This young lady is my sister's oldest grandchild and most likely the child of her deceased son. Again she is very much a prude about these types of things, she would probably be very upset to know that one of her boys had sex outside of marriage. I'm thinking I'll keep this to myself for now.
What I'm hoping is that one of her other boys will do a DNA test and discover this on their own!
All Joking aside - to tell or not? I'm interested in everyone's perspective. Thanks
|
|
kelly8875
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,406 
Location: Lost in my supplies...
Member is Online
|
Post by kelly8875 on Dec 17, 2021 19:58:48 GMT
I wouldn't say anything. It's not your news to tell, especially since you don't know what they do or don't know.
|
|
|
|
Post by lucyg on Dec 17, 2021 20:06:38 GMT
While I agree it’s probably best to MYOB … I have an older, quite conservative friend who lost one of her sons as an unmarried young man, and she told me that she prayed for years afterward that some girl would show up at her door with a previously-unknown child in tow.
|
|
|
|
Post by busy on Dec 17, 2021 20:13:08 GMT
I think you should keep your mouth shut and not involve yourself in this further.
|
|
|
|
Post by Darcy Collins on Dec 17, 2021 21:03:11 GMT
While I agree it’s probably best to MYOB … I have an older, quite conservative friend who lost one of her sons as an unmarried young man, and she told me that she prayed for years afterward that some girl would show up at her door with a previously-unknown child in tow. Sorry but this was such a flashback for me I had to repost. I had someone contact me as I was in a relationship with their son in high school and they subsequently passed and they were hoping I had a child. It was crazy sad and awkward. I couldn't give them what they were looking for, but I feel like these kinds of secrets were never meant to be kept. I would pass on information |
|
|
|
Post by sleepingbooty on Dec 17, 2021 21:11:59 GMT
This is this young lady's story to share or to keep to herself. She's at the centre of this discovery, not your nephew. Sorry to be blunt but I'm myself a left-behind child who grew up without a father. I would not want someone else to propel my existence and identity into the life of a family I don't know.
|
|
|
|
Post by epeanymous on Dec 17, 2021 21:17:06 GMT
I would give the niece the information and let her decide whether or not to be in contact.
I found out through DNA testing that I am not my father’s bio kid; my parents used a sperm donor and I have at least six bio half-siblings. You find out some surprising things through testing.
|
|
quiltz
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,840
Location: CANADA
Jun 29, 2014 16:13:28 GMT
|
Post by quiltz on Dec 17, 2021 21:29:53 GMT
I finally got around to doing an ancestry DNA and lo and behold I found a relative I wasn't aware of. This young lady was adopted by a family member of her bio Mom, so she knows all about her mom's side of the family. Long story short, based on a few email exchanges with her, I'm 100% sure her bio dad is one of my nephews (one of my sisters sons - she has 6). Although I can't be 100% sure which nephew, based on the age of the Bio Mom and the young lady, it's most likely my sister's oldest son who died a few years ago (sudden heart attack when he was in his mid 40's). This particular nephew has 3 children all who are younger than the young lady who I believe is his child. I have no idea if my sister is aware or if my nephew was even aware that this person exists. The young lady informed me that her mom claimed that she didn't know who her bio dad was. My sister who is older than me has many grandchildren, she is EXTREMELY religious. I don't know how she would react to this information. This young lady is my sister's oldest grandchild and most likely the child of her deceased son. Again she is very much a prude about these types of things, she would probably be very upset to know that one of her boys had sex outside of marriage. I'm thinking I'll keep this to myself for now. What I'm hoping is that one of her other boys will do a DNA test and discover this on their own! All Joking aside - to tell or not? I'm interested in everyone's perspective. Thanks Is this news for you to share? I don't think so. You would be intruding on many lives and for what reason? To cause family issues and cast doubt and other things? MYOB |
|
basketdiva
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,649
|
Post by basketdiva on Dec 17, 2021 21:34:24 GMT
I think you should keep your mouth shut and not involve yourself in this further. |
|
|
|
Post by dnkmmw on Dec 17, 2021 21:59:17 GMT
In the last year, I have found out a lot on Ancestry. Some of it was expected (adoption in my family) and some of it was very much unexpected (an affair in my husband's family resulted in a child that was not known to his family). In some instances, I was searching and in others, I was the person someone was reaching out to. On both sides, there are family members who are not interested or don't want to be involved. When the person reached out to me, I vowed to do whatever I could to get him answers. I don't think people should be denied a chance at knowing their family members. Has there been awkwardness? For sure, but I think those that are accepting are so glad we've been able to establish relationships.
|
|
|
|
Post by Zee on Dec 17, 2021 22:02:39 GMT
I would not say anything, it's not your story to share. This is also why I refuse to ever put my DNA on Ancestry. I am not interested in other relatives coming out of the woodwork. And I know there are some, and I'm still not interested.
|
|
|
|
Post by mollycoddle on Dec 17, 2021 22:16:33 GMT
No,I would not say anything.
|
|
|
|
Post by mom on Dec 17, 2021 22:23:41 GMT
I am firmly in the 'not your news' section. Just because you you something doesn't mean its appropriate to tell. I would go to my grave with that info (not even telling my own kids in case they accidentally slipped up and said something).
|
|
|
|
Post by Crack-a-lackin on Dec 17, 2021 22:25:11 GMT
Does this woman want the secret revealed? If she did I would probably find a way to help her.
A woman found me years ago and believes she is my cousin and wanted some information to confirm this. She made it clear she wasn’t ready to come forward to the rest of the family so I haven’t said anything but I hope she does some day. I have such little family left I would welcome a new member.
|
|
casii
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,517
|
Post by casii on Dec 17, 2021 22:29:40 GMT
Well, I was minorly disappointed that my DNA results only showed relatives I fully expected to turn up. LOL But I'm on 23 and Me. Maybe they're using a different platform. Time may tell. We suspect my father was an alley cat while he was in Vietnam and college.
But my opinion is that it would be the young lady's decision whether she'd like to pursue contacting her grandmother. I try not to anticipate someone's reaction to this news, good or bad.
|
|
tracylynn
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,899
|
Post by tracylynn on Dec 17, 2021 23:13:13 GMT
What does your niece want? If she wants the information, I would share and let her take the lead.
If you haven't talked about it yet, then I would leave it be until she wants to move forward. I would certainly help her if she asked for my help though!
|
|
|
|
Post by chaosisapony on Dec 18, 2021 0:30:24 GMT
I would not say anything, it's not your story to share. This is also why I refuse to ever put my DNA on Ancestry. I am not interested in other relatives coming out of the woodwork. And I know there are some, and I'm still not interested. Same. This conversation comes up a lot about me with some friends and coworkers. I never met any of my dad's other kids or family but I know there are some in Oregon and some in Hawaii. He had at least 5 other children and some of them had children. I'm ok with this. I have a family and really don't have any interest in meeting my half siblings and other relatives out there. For some reason this seems to bother people and they just can't seem to imagine why I wouldn't want to do a DNA test and put it out there on Ancestry or 23 and Me or whatever. No, thank you, I'm good. |
|
|
|
Post by epeanymous on Dec 18, 2021 0:51:00 GMT
In the last year, I have found out a lot on Ancestry. Some of it was expected (adoption in my family) and some of it was very much unexpected (an affair in my husband's family resulted in a child that was not known to his family). In some instances, I was searching and in others, I was the person someone was reaching out to. On both sides, there are family members who are not interested or don't want to be involved. When the person reached out to me, I vowed to do whatever I could to get him answers. I don't think people should be denied a chance at knowing their family members. Has there been awkwardness? For sure, but I think those that are accepting are so glad we've been able to establish relationships. People who have been in this situation can have different perspectives, for sure. I think there is a difference between being a person of unknown origin and a person who may not be aware of other relatives. I don’t have any real desire to get to know my biological father. I would *really* like the health information from that side of the family, and I would like some other basic biographical info. I don’t want to overstate this, but I have always felt like an alien in my own family — I really wish I knew more about my bio family, and wish there were a way to find out more. |
|
|
|
Post by Lexica on Dec 18, 2021 0:58:06 GMT
I would let the young lady herself decide if she wanted to contact anyone. It is her story to tell.
My dad was pretty popular before he married my mom when they were both in their 30s. I asked him once if I possibly had any unknown siblings out there anywhere. He answered honestly that while it was certainly a possibility, he had no knowledge of anyone. I guess since I cannot have a relationship with the siblings that I know, I have always hoped there was another one out there. Maybe a brother. Maybe someone who was nice and normal. I doubt it. And I haven't had my DNA done so I will never find out.
|
|
|
|
Post by voltagain on Dec 18, 2021 1:25:47 GMT
I finally got around to doing an ancestry DNA and lo and behold I found a relative I wasn't aware of. This young lady was adopted by a family member of her bio Mom, so she knows all about her mom's side of the family. Long story short, based on a few email exchanges with her, I'm 100% sure her bio dad is one of my nephews (one of my sisters sons - she has 6). Although I can't be 100% sure which nephew, based on the age of the Bio Mom and the young lady, it's most likely my sister's oldest son who died a few years ago (sudden heart attack when he was in his mid 40's). This particular nephew has 3 children all who are younger than the young lady who I believe is his child. I have no idea if my sister is aware or if my nephew was even aware that this person exists. The young lady informed me that her mom claimed that she didn't know who her bio dad was. My sister who is older than me has many grandchildren, she is EXTREMELY religious. I don't know how she would react to this information. This young lady is my sister's oldest grandchild and most likely the child of her deceased son. Again she is very much a prude about these types of things, she would probably be very upset to know that one of her boys had sex outside of marriage. I'm thinking I'll keep this to myself for now. What I'm hoping is that one of her other boys will do a DNA test and discover this on their own! All Joking aside - to tell or not? I'm interested in everyone's perspective. Thanks I would not tell as I feel it is not my story to tell. But if the girl asked questions I would answer them a much as I know for certain. If she asked me to pass along her contact info, and who she wants it passed to, I would do that with the caveat I can't promise the presumed uncles/grandma would reach out to her. I would not give their contact to her but give her contact to them if she asked me to do so. |
|
|
|
Post by melanell on Dec 19, 2021 15:49:35 GMT
I wouldn't say a word. I have found plenty of secrets in my years of genealogy work, and while I have privately recorded the information, I haven't made a habit of telling people about any of it. If someone specifically asked about something, I would not lie, but I don't offer up the info, either.
The info is out there if someone else wants to put in the research to find it, or if anyone is interested in my research when I'm gone. So it's not like I am the only person on the planet who could possibly ever have this information.
|
|
Rhondito
Pearl Clutcher
MississipPea
Posts: 4,784
|
Post by Rhondito on Dec 19, 2021 16:13:34 GMT
It's not your business to tell. As is, it doesn't sound like it would be welcomed news anyway.
For anyone thinking of having their DNA tested, be prepared for any and all results to show up and ask yourself if you can accept surprise relatives and secrets to be revealed. I had a sister show up and I honestly now wish I didn't know. We have a FB relationship and she's perfectly nice, but it's awkward.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Sept 21, 2024 3:16:37 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 19, 2021 16:15:04 GMT
I wouldn’t say anything either. If this other person didn’t care enough to reach out to you, why insert yourself further especially when you know this information might hurt your sister? You are also going to involve and impact the lives of 5 other nephews being that you can’t tell which one is actually the father.
|
|
|
|
Post by vsimone on Dec 19, 2021 17:06:37 GMT
Have to agree with the majority here. Not your news to tell. This thread is very relevant to me at the moment as my dad told me yesterday he has a half brother born in the 1950's.
My step sister did the DNA testing and ticked the box to get the information about any matches. That's all fine but my father has never had any interest in searching for lost/secret relatives so I'm not sure that she should have told him, especially since he's now in his 80's and doesn't really want to strike up a relationship with this person. It also changes forever the idea of the person he thought his father was.
The good news is his brother was adopted by an awesome family and has lead a successful, happy life, but it could have been pointlessly upsetting for dad if that wasn't the case, as he can't change the past. Our family is going through a lot of really heavy stuff right now and I just wish my step sister (while meaning well), had just sat on the info and at least asked a few questions to get a sense of whether this was something dad would want to know right now.
|
|
|
|
Post by pajamamama on Dec 21, 2021 23:39:53 GMT
Well, now this is Christmas nightmare our family had to endure 2 Christmases ago. A certain family member (adult) bought the immediate family DNA
tests for Christmas, thinking it would be a cool present. The oldest female in the family KNEW there was a strong possibility one of the children had a
different father and used the test anyway, not understanding what she was doing. When the tests revealed the paternity issue everyone freaked the heck out
because this information had been concealed for 30+ years. The resulting blow out has still not been resolved. Word to the wise....NOT a good gift if you have
secrets!
|
|
