Deleted
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Jun 13, 2024 14:18:40 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jan 3, 2022 12:02:51 GMT
I used to go to a website that victims in NC could put in an offenders name and you could view where they were, infractions, history...all that stuff. I had not looked up my attacker's name in quite some time. Especially since I moved overseas. Over the weekend, I decided to "check up" on his status. Shocked, was not the word that I felt when I googled his name and this came up on google: Murders and Rapists FreedI am not going to type his name as I don't want anything to bring link someone here. It has been 30 years since the attack and this has made it all flow back to the surface. I have been a mess. My mind is jumbled. I can't focus. I can't sleep. It's brought ALL the emotions back of the attack...the time that we didn't know who he was. The endless interviews with the DA. It took 3 damn years for it to go to trial. My family didn't support me at all. I was incredibly lucky to find a therapist here who speaks English and I made an appointment for Wednesday morning. Everyone thinks that I am so "put together" and strong. This is a part of my life that very few people know about outside of DH. He has been so sweet. This happened before I met him. But I can tell he is struggling on how to help me. |
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iluvpink
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,301 
Location: Michigan
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Post by iluvpink on Jan 3, 2022 12:12:09 GMT
I am so sorry.  |
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Post by gar on Jan 3, 2022 12:13:59 GMT
Oh no! I can't imagine how traumatic that must have been to discover! I am pleased your Dh is supportive but I'm sure it is hard for him too, as you say. I hoe you click with the therapist and start to feelers traumatised very quickly.
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Post by KelleeM on Jan 3, 2022 12:21:30 GMT
My goodness. I’m so sorry. I hope that your new therapist can help you. Sending lots of hugs.
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wellway
Prolific Pea
Posts: 8,812
Jun 25, 2014 20:50:09 GMT
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Post by wellway on Jan 3, 2022 12:25:42 GMT
I'm so sorry, I wish it was standard practice to inform victims that a prisoner is up for parole or release so that they can work through their emotions. It's incredibly unfair for a victim e.g. to turn a corner and see the cause of their pain.
I hope the therapist is helpful to you. Is there a victims support group online that you could also reach out to, even if it's based in another country?
Again, I'm so sorry, I hope you find some peace.
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Post by lisae on Jan 3, 2022 12:30:34 GMT
I'm so sorry. You were very brave to go through the process as a victim and witness to get the conviction. I hope you get the support you need with your new therapist.
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Post by hop2 on Jan 3, 2022 12:39:13 GMT
I’m sorry you went thru that.
I’m sorry your family did not support you at all.
I’m sorry your dealing with the emotions, trauma & aftermath all over again. I hope your being supported now.
Hugs
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Post by gillyp on Jan 3, 2022 12:41:08 GMT
I’m so very sorry you are reliving this again. Your emotions are natural and understandable and I hope your therapist will be able to help you find some peace.
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Post by Bridget in MD on Jan 3, 2022 12:42:57 GMT
I am so pissed for you. I am glad you felt safe to tell us so we can support you.
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bklyngal62
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,031
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Post by bklyngal62 on Jan 3, 2022 12:43:10 GMT
I am so sorry. I hope your therapist can help you through this.
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Deleted
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Jun 13, 2024 14:18:40 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jan 3, 2022 12:46:15 GMT
DH tells me not to worry that he can't find me here. There is nothing that ties me to this country information wise (except IRS info).
I just don't know...is he angry? There were four victims known to the police, myself being one of them. There were two trials because the last two refused to testify against him because he was so violent with them. The investigators told me they were certain that had he not been stopped, he would have gone on to murder his victims as he was getting progressively more violent. My trial was the only conviction that he received. And he was handed down a "life sentence". The second trial, the jury was not allowed to know he had already been convicted! I was lucky in that there was DNA evidence in my case, but for the later attacks, he made his victims wash themselves off.
So I can't help but wonder, does he want revenge because I was the one that put him there. So many things I don't know the answers to.
I absolutely cannot make sense that they let this monster out. Did they not read the case files? Do they not care? There is not a single doubt in my mind that he WILL attack again. He even committed two sex offenses while he was in prison!
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scrappyesq
Pearl Clutcher
You have always been a part of the heist. You're only mad now because you don't like your cut.
Posts: 4,032
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Post by scrappyesq on Jan 3, 2022 12:51:29 GMT
I am so sorry you are going through this.
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Deleted
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Jun 13, 2024 14:18:40 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jan 3, 2022 12:54:01 GMT
I really appreciate you Peas. My mind is such a mess right now. I am just counting the minutes and seconds until I see the therapist. Seems like Wednesday morning is going to take forever to get here.
I am upset and angry because it's like this box of old stuff has fallen out of the closet and it's all over the floor, if that makes sense. I worked so hard to move on from all this shit and I was living a "normal" life.
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Jan 3, 2022 12:59:04 GMT
I can sense the panic you are feeling in your posts. What an awful experience to have had… and now be faced with feeling like you’re re-living it. Reaching out for help is good. You’ll get through this but I’m so sorry you’re being victimized by him again.
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Post by KelleeM on Jan 3, 2022 12:59:08 GMT
I am upset and angry because it's like this box of old stuff has fallen out of the closet and it's all over the floor, if that makes sense. I worked so hard to move on from all this shit and I was living a "normal" life. I think that this is a great analogy. You dealt with all of this and got it packed up and put away and now, as you said, it’s fallen out of the closet. I wish you so much peace. I hope that knowing that he has no way to reach you gives you a small bit of comfort. And having your husband who supports you is so important. |
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Post by leannec on Jan 3, 2022 12:59:20 GMT
Hugs to you!  I hope you are able to get some good work in with your therapist  |
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Post by emelle64 on Jan 3, 2022 13:01:27 GMT
I am so so sorry that this is causing you to relive so much trauma. I wish I had words of real wisdom but I don’t. I think talking it over with your therapist is a really really good idea.
Emelle
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cakediva
Drama Llama
Making the world a sweeter place one cake at a time!
Posts: 7,478
Location: Fergus, Ontario
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Post by cakediva on Jan 3, 2022 13:06:39 GMT
((((Hugs))
I’m so sorry this is happening….
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Deleted
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Jun 13, 2024 14:18:40 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jan 3, 2022 13:09:25 GMT
I can sense the panic you are feeling in your posts. What an awful experience to have had… and now be faced with feeling like you’re re-living it. Reaching out for help is good. You’ll get through this but I’m so sorry you’re being victimized by him again. I definitely feel panic. Which is so not normal to me. DH just came home from work to check on me. He was telling me not to worry because "that monster won't ever step foot in this house...I will kill him first". I burst out in tears and told him that I know that....but I looked at him and asked him if he could take the monster out of my mind. Physically I know I am safe. We have the most awesome dog who patrols our house. There isn't a doubt in my mind that DH will protect me. But it's the mental stuff. I have a whole whole lot of trauma from my childhood and from the attack. Just where the fuck did it all come from??? I thought I had put deep down in a dark place and threw away the key. I can't control my tears....I just can't focus. How am I going to keep this from my children? I am really struggling to keep my shit together. |
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Post by iteach3rdgrade on Jan 3, 2022 13:11:38 GMT
I'm sorry!
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grammanisi
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,741
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Post by grammanisi on Jan 3, 2022 13:24:51 GMT
I'm so very sorry.
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Jan 3, 2022 13:26:29 GMT
Don’t try to keep it from your children completely. They don’t need details (and really shouldn’t have them) but you ought to give them the basics so they understand your emotions. Much better for them to know you’re struggling with some past trauma than for them to incorrectly worry that it’s something to do with them or their dad.
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Post by peasapie on Jan 3, 2022 13:26:31 GMT
I’m hearing and feeling your pain and anxiety - it must be traumatic to learn this information — especially second hand. I wish they had given this creep multiple sentences so he would never get out.
I’m glad you will see a therapist to talk this through, and I hope it is some consolation that you are geographically distant from him.
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peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,632
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Jan 3, 2022 13:29:25 GMT
I can sense the panic you are feeling in your posts. What an awful experience to have had… and now be faced with feeling like you’re re-living it. Reaching out for help is good. You’ll get through this but I’m so sorry you’re being victimized by him again. I definitely feel panic. Which is so not normal to me. DH just came home from work to check on me. He was telling me not to worry because "that monster won't ever step foot in this house...I will kill him first". I burst out in tears and told him that I know that....but I looked at him and asked him if he could take the monster out of my mind. Physically I know I am safe. We have the most awesome dog who patrols our house. There isn't a doubt in my mind that DH will protect me. But it's the mental stuff. I have a whole whole lot of trauma from my childhood and from the attack. Just where the fuck did it all come from??? I thought I had put deep down in a dark place and threw away the key. I can't control my tears....I just can't focus. How am I going to keep this from my children? I am really struggling to keep my shit together. That's where it's coming from. You haven't properly worked through it all. I hope the therapist you found has experience with trauma recovery. I'm so sorry this is happening to you - what you're feeling is totally normal, rational and to be expected. Be kind to yourself and, as much as you can, allow yourself to feel how you feel. Shoving it down isn't going to help in the long run. Sending you love and comfort. |
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wellway
Prolific Pea
Posts: 8,812
Jun 25, 2014 20:50:09 GMT
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Post by wellway on Jan 3, 2022 13:42:48 GMT
Don’t try to keep it from your children completely. They don’t need details (and really shouldn’t have them) but you ought to give them the basics so they understand your emotions. Much better for them to know you’re struggling with some past trauma than for them to incorrectly worry that it’s something to do with them or their dad. I agree, I know we always try to protect our children from the ugly but giving them a small glimpse of your pain and the reason for your pain will help them in the long run to understand how crime and violence hurt long after any bruises heal. It will give them the opportunity to empathise, to be loving. If it gives you any peace, I've seen border control programmes, one about Australia and if a traveller has had a prison sentence over 12 months they look at them very carefully and invariably send people back on the next flight and don't let them enter. I'm going to guess where you are have similar rules. In the meantime, can we make suggestions, create distractions or something to keep you busy until your appointment? |
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Post by mollycoddle on Jan 3, 2022 14:00:47 GMT
I’m very sorry. I cannot imagine having to read that news.
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Deleted
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Jun 13, 2024 14:18:40 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jan 3, 2022 14:11:37 GMT
I am so sorry. You deserve better than this.
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Post by elaine on Jan 3, 2022 14:12:35 GMT
I definitely feel panic. Which is so not normal to me. DH just came home from work to check on me. He was telling me not to worry because "that monster won't ever step foot in this house...I will kill him first". I burst out in tears and told him that I know that....but I looked at him and asked him if he could take the monster out of my mind. Physically I know I am safe. We have the most awesome dog who patrols our house. There isn't a doubt in my mind that DH will protect me. But it's the mental stuff. I have a whole whole lot of trauma from my childhood and from the attack. Just where the fuck did it all come from??? I thought I had put deep down in a dark place and threw away the key. I can't control my tears....I just can't focus. How am I going to keep this from my children? I am really struggling to keep my shit together. That's where it's coming from. You haven't properly worked through it all. I hope the therapist you found has experience with trauma recovery. I'm so sorry this is happening to you - what you're feeling is totally normal, rational and to be expected. Be kind to yourself and, as much as you can, allow yourself to feel how you feel. Shoving it down isn't going to help in the long run. Sending you love and comfort. I strongly second all of this. (((hugs))) We are here to support you. |
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Post by Basket1lady on Jan 3, 2022 14:13:00 GMT
I'm sorry that you are dealing with this again. I think it's pretty normal, but that isn't much consolation.
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Post by catmom on Jan 3, 2022 14:16:30 GMT
Wow I'm so sorry. And I want to thank you for being so brave years ago and getting him behind bars.
As others said, your reaction is probably partly due to the trauma still locked away. Try to find a therapist who specialized in trauma, so many are online now due to Covid so you may be able to find someone who can help even if they aren't local.
However you feel is totally normal and understandable. One suggestion would be to help get the stress out of your body a bit. Some actions that have worked for me are exercise, especially anything cardio that gets the blood pumping, a good scream or cry, and physical contact like a long hug to help you feel safe. Breathing exercises may also give you a bit of relief.
I wish I could say something to make you feel better. Just know you're not alone.
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