Deleted
Posts: 0
Aug 18, 2025 21:42:10 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 11, 2022 23:36:28 GMT
When would you finally say to yourself, enough is enough, I deserve to be treated better?
I've been in an online forum with about 20 other women. We've been together for over 20 years. Seen each other through ups and downs, given advice, mourned their loved ones and watched our kids grow up since birth. It's a lot like here but much smaller. We don't always agree and we can get into heated debates but we've always respected each other.
Lately I feel like whatever I talk about or need advice about is mostly ignored. I don't know if it's because it's not light and fluffy or it's too emotionally deep to talk about. But on my end, I'm always giving 110% in discussions. These are my cherished women friend that I have a long history with. But at what point should I say to myself, stop allowing them to make you feel invalidated. I know a lot of that feeling stems from my upbringing and I always keep that in mind. But I'm getting tired of feeling like what I'm talking about doesn't matter. But I keep going back hoping it will change. Spoiler alert-it hasn't changed in a couple of years.
I feel in my gut that I need to cut ties for a while and put up healthy boundaries for myself. But why is that so hard for me, I don't know. What would you do?
|
|
|
|
Post by Bridget in MD on Mar 11, 2022 23:55:58 GMT
Could you say to them what you said here, and how you feel? Do you think they just don't realize they are treating you differently?
|
|
|
|
Post by Merge on Mar 12, 2022 0:07:13 GMT
It’s possible that the other women in the group simply don’t have the capacity to be emotionally engaged in someone else’s issues right now. It might not be about you at all - it may just be that their lives are not in a place where they can give you the support you need.
Some people thrive on providing emotional support; others find it draining. Just different personality types.
I say keep the friends and perhaps look for a therapist to talk through the stuff you need to talk through. Or unload it here - there’s always someone here happy to listen.
|
|
|
|
Post by papersilly on Mar 12, 2022 0:24:28 GMT
Trust your gut.
|
|
|
|
Post by revirdsuba99 on Mar 12, 2022 0:32:24 GMT
You have nothing to lose by telling them how you feel. If they don't care you don't want to be there anyway. If they care they will hold you up better.
Wishing you the best!!
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Aug 18, 2025 21:42:10 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 12, 2022 0:42:57 GMT
Could you say to them what you said here, and how you feel? Do you think they just don't realize they are treating you differently? I've considered that many times. But I don't want to look like a drama queen. And I've seen them treat others how they are now treating me. It's like a light dose of mean girls mentality if that makes sense. |
|
|
|
Post by Lexica on Mar 12, 2022 0:48:00 GMT
It sounds like you are getting more pain than joy by participating in this group right now. You might want to take a step back for a while. If you need to discuss your issues, either do so here or consult a professional. Maybe check back in with the group in a few weeks or months, whatever feels right to you. How they respond to your being gone might tell you all you need to know without asking anyone anything.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Aug 18, 2025 21:42:10 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 12, 2022 0:50:54 GMT
It’s possible that the other women in the group simply don’t have the capacity to be emotionally engaged in someone else’s issues right now. It might not be about you at all - it may just be that their lives are not in a place where they can give you the support you need. Some people thrive on providing emotional support; others find it draining. Just different personality types. I say keep the friends and perhaps look for a therapist to talk through the stuff you need to talk through. Or unload it here - there’s always someone here happy to listen. Thank you Merge, I was hoping you'd reply. I have definitely thought about their emotional capacity, especially these past 2 years. I know how tough it's been for everyone and give them grace. I do post light hearted things like what are you reading, what are you watching, and get maybe one or 2 replies. There are others that post heavy stuff and I see people engaging a lot more. (I know I sound pathetic.) But there's an unspoken pattern I've noticed there that when they get annoyed with somebody they cold shoulder them. I don't know, maybe I've just outgrown them. |
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Aug 18, 2025 21:42:10 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 12, 2022 0:52:56 GMT
It sounds like you are getting more pain than joy by participating in this group right now. You might want to take a step back for a while. If you need to discuss your issues, either do so here or consult a professional. Maybe check back in with the group in a few weeks or months, whatever feels right to you. How they respond to your being gone might tell you all you need to know without asking anyone anything. You are so right. Great advice, thank you very much! |
|
|
|
Post by lisae on Mar 12, 2022 1:03:54 GMT
It's time for a break. Don't permanently cut ties. Just take some time off and see if things improve in a few months, or you may decide not to go back at all. But it sounds like this is bringing you more disappointment than positive feelings right now so you need to speak up to the group or take a break.
|
|
|
|
Post by jenjie on Mar 12, 2022 1:18:18 GMT
I’m in a group like that. We go through seasons I think. There is one girl who once in awhile will do a check in - Susie what happened with abc? Julie how is XYZ? Otherwise I think people are phasing in and out.
I’m sorry you’re feeling invalidated. It stinks.
|
|
anaterra
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,282
Location: Texas
Jun 29, 2014 3:04:02 GMT
|
Post by anaterra on Mar 12, 2022 1:34:50 GMT
I agree with others about just taking a break... i do it when life gets overwhelming... obviously i come back... lol...
But if its not bringing you peace... and they are not engaging... take a step back..
Im sorry your friends are not being supportive... it could just be this season of life...
|
|
|
|
Post by quinlove on Mar 12, 2022 1:59:09 GMT
((( foxy ))) sending love to you. ❤️
|
|
|
|
Post by ScrapbookMyLife on Mar 12, 2022 2:19:43 GMT
I've experienced that here.
I will post a topic, question, etc... and very little replies. A few months pass and someone else posts about the very same/similar thing and they get lots of replies.
With everything in life >> School, work, groups, clubs, message boards, on social media, etc... there's always going to be someone that gets more attention, that is the life of the proverbial party, that is a standout personality, that others gravitate to, etc... that is just the simply how life is.
Keeping track of stuff like this, favoritism, popularity, etc...is not healthy.
I just let it go, and don't worry about it.
|
|
|
|
Post by gar on Mar 12, 2022 9:10:48 GMT
It could be several things that have been suggested here including that you've outgrown them. I agree to having some time away and see how you feel - my guess is that you won't miss them much. Maybe it's time to make some new friends or find a professional to talk to if you have some things you need to work through. Good luck.
|
|
|
|
Post by crazy4scraps on Mar 12, 2022 16:28:17 GMT
I was a part of an IRL group of women crafters. We met pretty much monthly for years. I slowly started to realize that I was dreading the days when we were scheduled to get together, and this was supposed to be my fun night out with friends. I had a lot going on in my personal life with work, extended family, etc. and it felt like certain members of the group just could not be understanding? sympathetic? not sure what, of my situation. Being on the hook to do the projects and physically going to the meetings at night was feeling more like just another thing on my already packed to do list and it was draining more than it was energizing. I decided to step back from the group and never looked back. It was a tough call because were a couple ladies in the group that I did genuinely really like and I still miss them, but overall I don’t regret quitting the group. It was the right thing for me at that time.
|
|
J u l e e
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,531
Location: Cincinnati
Jun 28, 2014 2:50:47 GMT
|
Post by J u l e e on Mar 12, 2022 16:37:11 GMT
It’s possible that the other women in the group simply don’t have the capacity to be emotionally engaged in someone else’s issues right now. It might not be about you at all - it may just be that their lives are not in a place where they can give you the support you need. Some people thrive on providing emotional support; others find it draining. Just different personality types. I say keep the friends and perhaps look for a therapist to talk through the stuff you need to talk through. Or unload it here - there’s always someone here happy to listen. Thank you Merge, I was hoping you'd reply. I have definitely thought about their emotional capacity, especially these past 2 years. I know how tough it's been for everyone and give them grace. I do post light hearted things like what are you reading, what are you watching, and get maybe one or 2 replies. There are others that post heavy stuff and I see people engaging a lot more. (I know I sound pathetic.) But there's an unspoken pattern I've noticed there that when they get annoyed with somebody they cold shoulder them. I don't know, maybe I've just outgrown them. I’m sorry. That doesn’t sound fun at all. And you don’t sound pathetic in the least. Since it’s such a small group, unlike here, I might consider saying something. |
|
AmeliaBloomer
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,842
Location: USA
Jun 26, 2014 5:01:45 GMT
|
Post by AmeliaBloomer on Mar 12, 2022 17:10:02 GMT
Ugh. That stinks and I’m sorry it’s causing you such uncertainty.
Is it possible to sound out one or two members who you trust? Bonus points if she/they consistently draw responses in the forum.
They might have suggestions about either your own interactions or the “social order” of the group, of course, but they also might start responding to you more online, which could influence others.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Aug 18, 2025 21:42:10 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 12, 2022 20:48:17 GMT
It's time for a break. Don't permanently cut ties. Just take some time off and see if things improve in a few months, or you may decide not to go back at all. But it sounds like this is bringing you more disappointment than positive feelings right now so you need to speak up to the group or take a break. Yes I agree. I took some time to think about it more and I do think this is the best choice for now. Thank you for your kindness and great advice. |
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Aug 18, 2025 21:42:10 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 12, 2022 20:49:30 GMT
I’m in a group like that. We go through seasons I think. There is one girl who once in awhile will do a check in - Susie what happened with abc? Julie how is XYZ? Otherwise I think people are phasing in and out. I’m sorry you’re feeling invalidated. It stinks. Hmm, that's very much like how our group is. I guess I'm feeling extra sensitive lately. Thank you for your thoughts, it was very helpful! |
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Aug 18, 2025 21:42:10 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 12, 2022 20:55:58 GMT
I agree with others about just taking a break... i do it when life gets overwhelming... obviously i come back... lol... But if its not bringing you peace... and they are not engaging... take a step back.. Im sorry your friends are not being supportive... it could just be this season of life... Yes maybe because things here are getting overwhelming I need a break. Thank you! ((( foxy ))) sending love to you. ❤️ You are so sweet. I needed that, thank you. I've experienced that here. I will post a topic, question, etc... and very little replies. A few months pass and someone else posts about the very same/similar thing and they get lots of replies. With everything in life >> School, work, groups, clubs, message boards, on social media, etc... there's always going to be someone that gets more attention, that is the life of the proverbial party, that is a standout personality, that others gravitate to, etc... that is just the simply how life is. Keeping track of stuff like this, favoritism, popularity, etc...is not healthy. I just let it go, and don't worry about it. I know it's not healthy. I don't know why I keep subjecting myself to the disappointment. I thought today, "I have to stop expecting people to react exactly how I would." Because it's not fair to them and it's self sabotaging to me. It could be several things that have been suggested here including that you've outgrown them. I agree to having some time away and see how you feel - my guess is that you won't miss them much. Maybe it's time to make some new friends or find a professional to talk to if you have some things you need to work through. Good luck. Thank you Gar! You always have a voice of reason with a dose of kindness. Thank you! |
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Aug 18, 2025 21:42:10 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 12, 2022 21:01:44 GMT
I was a part of an IRL group of women crafters. We met pretty much monthly for years. I slowly started to realize that I was dreading the days when we were scheduled to get together, and this was supposed to be my fun night out with friends. I had a lot going on in my personal life with work, extended family, etc. and it felt like certain members of the group just could not be understanding? sympathetic? not sure what, of my situation. Being on the hook to do the projects and physically going to the meetings at night was feeling more like just another thing on my already packed to do list and it was draining more than it was energizing. I decided to step back from the group and never looked back. It was a tough call because were a couple ladies in the group that I did genuinely really like and I still miss them, but overall I don’t regret quitting the group. It was the right thing for me at that time. Yes, I think they just don't understand my situation or how I'm handling it. Actually thinking about it, they never have. I guess for me I try to be compassionate when my friends are going through stuff I don't understand. And I don't feel like I'm receiving that anymore. It is draining to feel that way. So I completely understand your choice. Thank you for sharing that with me. Thank you Merge, I was hoping you'd reply. I have definitely thought about their emotional capacity, especially these past 2 years. I know how tough it's been for everyone and give them grace. I do post light hearted things like what are you reading, what are you watching, and get maybe one or 2 replies. There are others that post heavy stuff and I see people engaging a lot more. (I know I sound pathetic.) But there's an unspoken pattern I've noticed there that when they get annoyed with somebody they cold shoulder them. I don't know, maybe I've just outgrown them. I’m sorry. That doesn’t sound fun at all. And you don’t sound pathetic in the least. Since it’s such a small group, unlike here, I might consider saying something. Thank you for saying I don't sound pathetic. You are so sweet. Ugh. That stinks and I’m sorry it’s causing you such uncertainty. Is it possible to sound out one or two members who you trust? Bonus points if she/they consistently draw responses in the forum. They might have suggestions about either your own interactions or the “social order” of the group, of course, but they also might start responding to you more online, which could influence others. I've considered that. Then it made me realize that there are really only a few that I would even trust expressing my true feelings. So why I'm still there is baffling to me sometimes. Lol! |
|
|
|
Post by epeanymous on Mar 12, 2022 21:10:52 GMT
About two years ago, I cut out of an exactly similar online group.
ZERO regrets.
I am still in touch individually with the ones with whom I had/have actual friendships. I'm no longer pouring support into a bottomless pit of need for people who definitely aren't willing to do the same for anyone else.
|
|
|
|
Post by mollycoddle on Mar 12, 2022 21:14:58 GMT
Could you say to them what you said here, and how you feel? Do you think they just don't realize they are treating you differently? I've considered that many times. But I don't want to look like a drama queen. And I've seen them treat others how they are now treating me. It's like a light dose of mean girls mentality if that makes sense. I can only tell you what I would do in your shoes. I would ask myself some questions. In your opinion, what led to them giving you the mean girl treatment? I ask because there is usually a precipitating incident. I am not justifying it, btw. I analyze these types of things because they help me to decide what I want to do, and how I want to respond. Is this unusual behavior from them? Or is this how they respond when they are annoyed. If it is a pattern, that is telling, imo. This is just me, but if someone is mad at me, I expect them to be a big girl and tell me, not engage in passive-aggressive behavior. But that’s me, and YMMV. I’m not saying that you should drop them. But if this is their reaction, maybe don’t rely on them for emotional support. ETA: And I’m sorry that they are being jerks. And no, you are not pathetic. Most of us have been there. |
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Aug 18, 2025 21:42:10 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 13, 2022 0:38:21 GMT
About two years ago, I cut out of an exactly similar online group. ZERO regrets. I am still in touch individually with the ones with whom I had/have actual friendships. I'm no longer pouring support into a bottomless pit of need for people who definitely aren't willing to do the same for anyone else. I am just about there. I'm glad you made that healthy decision! Thank you for sharing, it's very helpful. |
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Aug 18, 2025 21:42:10 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 13, 2022 0:48:49 GMT
I've considered that many times. But I don't want to look like a drama queen. And I've seen them treat others how they are now treating me. It's like a light dose of mean girls mentality if that makes sense. I can only tell you what I would do in your shoes. I would ask myself some questions. In your opinion, what led to them giving you the mean girl treatment? I ask because there is usually a precipitating incident. I am not justifying it, btw. I analyze these types of things because they help me to decide what I want to do, and how I want to respond. Is this unusual behavior from them? Or is this how they respond when they are annoyed. If it is a pattern, that is telling, imo. This is just me, but if someone is mad at me, I expect them to be a big girl and tell me, not engage in passive-aggressive behavior. But that’s me, and YMMV. I’m not saying that you should drop them. But if this is their reaction, maybe don’t rely on them for emotional support. ETA: And I’m sorry that they are being jerks. And no, you are not pathetic. Most of us have been there. These are great questions and a few I've asked myself because I too am an analyzer. Right now I feel like i can't see the forest through the trees so thank you. I'm not sure I can pinpoint exactly what it was, only a time frame. And now that you asked, this is behavior I have encountered from them before. And funny enough, it was at another pivotal moment of my life when I needed some advice. And I took a few years break from there. Yes the passive aggressive bs I have no patience for. And I'm not like that, I tell it how I see it so maybe there is some resentment there?? I don't know but it sure would be great if those friend were more like my IRL friends that I've hand chosen because they don't play those stupid games. Thanks for helping me think this through. You made me realize that there has only been one time they've given me emotional support in 20 years. It just saddens me to end friendships because I am such a loyal friend. Perhaps it's a fault in some situations. (If I'm honest there have been a lot of times I've stayed friends when it wasn't healthy for me.) Thank you for helping me figure this out!! xoxo |
|
|
|
Post by mollycoddle on Mar 13, 2022 2:39:54 GMT
I can only tell you what I would do in your shoes. I would ask myself some questions. In your opinion, what led to them giving you the mean girl treatment? I ask because there is usually a precipitating incident. I am not justifying it, btw. I analyze these types of things because they help me to decide what I want to do, and how I want to respond. Is this unusual behavior from them? Or is this how they respond when they are annoyed. If it is a pattern, that is telling, imo. This is just me, but if someone is mad at me, I expect them to be a big girl and tell me, not engage in passive-aggressive behavior. But that’s me, and YMMV. I’m not saying that you should drop them. But if this is their reaction, maybe don’t rely on them for emotional support. ETA: And I’m sorry that they are being jerks. And no, you are not pathetic. Most of us have been there. These are great questions and a few I've asked myself because I too am an analyzer. Right now I feel like i can't see the forest through the trees so thank you. I'm not sure I can pinpoint exactly what it was, only a time frame. And now that you asked, this is behavior I have encountered from them before. And funny enough, it was at another pivotal moment of my life when I needed some advice. And I took a few years break from there. Yes the passive aggressive bs I have no patience for. And I'm not like that, I tell it how I see it so maybe there is some resentment there?? I don't know but it sure would be great if those friend were more like my IRL friends that I've hand chosen because they don't play those stupid games. Thanks for helping me think this through. You made me realize that there has only been one time they've given me emotional support in 20 years. It just saddens me to end friendships because I am such a loyal friend. Perhaps it's a fault in some situations. (If I'm honest there have been a lot of times I've stayed friends when it wasn't healthy for me.) Thank you for helping me figure this out!! xoxo I have done the same thing; I am sometimes loyal to a fault. I would ask one more question. Do any of the others seek advice and get it? Or is it typically more fluff oriented? That would tell you a lot, I think. I think I sometimes analyze too much, but behavior interests me. You have gotten some good advice from a lot of Peas, and you will figure it out.  |
|
milocat
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,900 
Location: 55 degrees north in Alberta, Canada
|
Post by milocat on Mar 13, 2022 3:42:25 GMT
I’m in a group like that. We go through seasons I think. There is one girl who once in awhile will do a check in - Susie what happened with abc? Julie how is XYZ? Otherwise I think people are phasing in and out. I’m sorry you’re feeling invalidated. It stinks. Hmm, that's very much like how our group is. I guess I'm feeling extra sensitive lately. Thank you for your thoughts, it was very helpful! And now that you started to notice this is happening it's making you extra sensitive in your group. You are extra aware of how your posts are being responded to in comparison to others. Sorry you are going through this, it's hard to know what to do. Should you call them out or will they just all pile on against you of they are in aean girl mood. Should you just pull back for awhile all together. Then you miss your group. |
|
|
|
Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Mar 13, 2022 12:50:34 GMT
It sounds like a frustrating situation. Darned if you do and darned if you don’t.
Of all the choices, a short break might be the one that has the least consequences. Trying to challenge the group on it could backfire badly. Changing who you are on the board is disingenuous and doesn’t help you at all. Putting up with it makes you feel not valued.
Try the short break. Then when you’re ready, engage again with fresh eyes and see if the experience is any different for you.
|
|
|
|
Post by mollycoddle on Mar 13, 2022 13:48:13 GMT
It sounds like a frustrating situation. Darned if you do and darned if you don’t. Of all the choices, a short break might be the one that has the least consequences. Trying to challenge the group on it could backfire badly. Changing who you are on the board is disingenuous and doesn’t help you at all. Putting up with it makes you feel not valued. Try the short break. Then when you’re ready, engage again with fresh eyes and see if the experience is any different for you. I have to say, I always find your advice to be sensible and on point. |
|
