What would the peas do? Sister in law, sister flirts with DH

I’m at an age where I’d text her day before and say you know she’s flirting with your husband and if she doesn’t knock it off you’re going to loudly exclaim to all on Easter when she does it “Why are you sexually harassing my husband?”

Then do it.

Or you can speak to her as soon as you get there and tell her the same but face to face.

If this were happening to me, and it was really hurting my feelings, I would ask my husband to please put a stop to it.  Although you have already asked and it seems he doesn't want to.  He obviously enjoys the attention even if he has no plans to let it get any farther than her flirting with him.  You know the male ego and all.  

You could take the approach that her flirting is funny and makes her look desperate.  You know he isn't going to let it get anywhere so just shake your head and let her try.

Another approach might be to keep an eye out and when you know she is making her approach, let her get started and then walk over to them, put your arm around your husband and insert yourself into the conversation.  Don't let her get away with any alone time with him.

If she is rude enough to keep flirting in front of you, tell the woman that you are well aware your husband is a gorgeous, sexy man and that you are wondering why she hasn't found a gorgeous man of her own.  I would only do that if you know for sure your husband won't say or do anything that would backfire on you.  ***If you think it would embarrass him for you to do this in front of him, wait until he walks away and then approach her with the same message - Hon, you've been flirting with my husband for 18 years.  Why don't you put that effort into finding your own man?  

This has been happening for the entire time you've been married and she is still single?  Has she ever brought a man to any event?


ETA:

@northrigg, ***I mean if you end up needing to talk to her alone, do so quietly without drawing the attention of anyone at the party.  You want to remain classy and not drop to her level.  If the remark about her flirting with your husband for the last 18 years is too confrontational for you, you could just ask her if she is dating anyone and that you hope she can find a man as handsome as your husband, since he is obviously her type.  I personally would act like I am well aware she is flirting and that you are confident in your marriage and not threatened by her, but that she needs to knock it off.  You might even mention that your husband has mentioned it makes him uncomfortable.  (Ask him about that first.)

But really, the best thing would be for your husband to step up and put a stop to this himself.  Maybe he doesn't know how to.  He might think that telling her not to flirt with him is acting conceited and if she says she wasn't, he would feel foolish.  The two of you could talk about some ways to get it across to this woman that enough is enough.  If he goes there with a plan, it will make it easier to handle things.  It could be as simple as him calling you to his side every time she corners him.  You could go over and he could put his arm around you, reinforcing that there is no room between you two for this woman to wriggle in.  Neither of you would need to say anything to her at all this way.

He may not call it flirting, but whatever you call it, it makes you uncomfortable and that is reason enough for him to stop it from happening.  He should care enough about your feelings to want you to be comfortable at his family's functions.  It doesn't matter that he doesn't think it is rude, it matters that YOU do.  A loving husband should WANT to stand up for his wife and his marriage.  Make sure he knows how much this hurts you.

I would have a come to Jesus meeting with DH. He could put a stop to it very easily with a few well chosen words. If he chooses not too knowing it upset me, then we would definitely be having problems.

What does the flirting look like? Is she making inappropriate comments to him? Touching him inappropriately? I think what she is doing makes a difference in how Id respond.

Does the SIL's spouse get upset by this?? I wouldn't limit getting upset just to the SIL. I do agree that I'd tell DH that you are very weirded out by SIL's behavior towards him and you find it to be disrespectful to you. Whether he thinks it's nothing or not, he should be respecting your feelings about it. He might just be laughing it off or thinking she's still desperate. I think I'd be more upset towards my DH than towards a calculating, flirtatious SIL.

I've been there, done that, but my scenario was even sicker. It was my first husband's family and his own older sisters flirted with him EVERY time we all got together, to the point of it being very uncomfortable for me. He laughed it off. I did eventually urge him to ask them to stop since it upset me and it was a very sick thing to do.

Put the pressure on your husband to excuse himself from the situation. If that doesn't work, hit record on your phone and just stand there. If she asks why, then you could say you'd like the have it on record how she behaves around your husband.

I'm not clear if you have talked about her behavior immediately after a get-together or if this is the first time you have said you won't tolerate her flirting. Could he be tolerating the behavior because he doesn't want to cause a scene? 

I'm sorry you are forced to forego a birthday celebration for a family gathering and hope you have something fun planned for another day.

Honestly what you’re describing wouldn’t bother me at all. But I’m sorry it upsets you.

So, I guess I don’t see why it has to be a “guns blazing” conversation. If it happens again this year, just catch her away from everyone else, and gently mention that you know the family had a lot of history, but her flirting makes you uncomfortable.

What she’s doing is disrespectful to you and your DH’s inaction just encourages her to continue doing it. Tell your DH to stand up for his wife and put a stop to it or you’ll do it and it won’t be pretty.

My first option would start out with a calm conversation with DH that goes something like this:

"I know we've talked about this before, but I have spent the past few days totally dreading this weekend's Easter gathering. I'm not sure you realize how much XX's flirty behavior impacts me and I was hoping we could come up with a plan to finally put a stop to it."

Hopefully, he'd rise to the occasion and the two of you can come together with a strategy.

If he dismisses you again, you should be prepared with the options you are willing to follow through with and letting him know that you plan on saying something.  It doesn't have to be over the top, maybe something as simple as stepping in between them and saying, "Excuse me, but I'm not comfortable with this."  (Motioning to the close proximity between the two of them.)  If it's even slightly embarrassing to either one, I hope they'll think twice before being in that situation again.  She should know that her behavior has been noticed.