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Post by mammajamma on May 9, 2022 11:23:47 GMT
How would you most likely deal with a question or invitation that you may feel socially you are expected to answer or attend, but you do not want to?
The purpose of the poll is for me to understand if directness is uncomfortable or an anomaly. And to understand how to approach people’s different ways of coping.
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Post by lisae on May 9, 2022 11:34:00 GMT
Too vague. I can't answer without an example.
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Post by gillyp on May 9, 2022 11:34:32 GMT
I would always respond because it’s rude not to.
I would never say yes with the intention of cancelling as that is also rude.
The younger me would often have done the third and the aged me will say “thank you for thinking of me. I will not be attending.”
ETA I too missed the bit about a question. I usually say “I’m not prepared to answer that”.
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pilcas
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,147
Aug 14, 2015 21:47:17 GMT
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Post by pilcas on May 9, 2022 11:55:42 GMT
I have learned through experience that when I do not want to attend an event, I really should not do it as it creates negative feelings in me and I am not always able to hide them. I recently declined to attend a nephews wedding in an all inclusive in Jamaica and I just didn’t feel l8ke spending a couple of thousands to go to a wedding.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 7, 2024 3:20:40 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 9, 2022 12:22:12 GMT
When it comes to questions I don't want to answer, I tend to ask them to repeat it. Sometimes they know it wasn't appropriate to ask so they say never mind. If they repeat it, I usually reply with "that's not really any of your business" or "I haven't thought about it."
As for attending events I don't want to go to, if it's important to dh or something he wants to do, I'll suck it up and go. Others I will leave open ended if I can such as graduation parties. The nice thing about small families is that there are very few weddings and parties we feel like we have to attend. I have one cousin that I simply ignore any invites from. I don't want anything to do with her family but yet she keeps sending me invites to events that "require" a gift from guests. I know they're gift grabs so I ignore them. She hasn't gotten the hint. Hopefully my dad won't give her my new address so she won't invite me to her son's wedding.
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Post by peasapie on May 9, 2022 12:37:24 GMT
There are times when I'm forthright in my response, and other times when I am more "diplomatic" and don't feel the need to come right out with the unvarnished truth. As a younger person I always said what I was thinking, but these days I believe discretion to be the better part of valor.
(So I would decline and make excuses, which I don't see in your poll.)
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Post by gramasue on May 9, 2022 12:55:29 GMT
Decline and get it over with. It will just hang over your head if you try to make up excuses or put it off.
"I wish I could, but I don't want to" is a little abrupt, but effective. Depends on the situation/person involved, I guess. Good luck.
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maryannscraps
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Posts: 4,791
Aug 28, 2017 12:51:28 GMT
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Post by maryannscraps on May 9, 2022 13:14:20 GMT
I always give an answer to an invitation. If I can't or don't want to go, "Thank you for inviting me, but I won't be able to make it" is perfectly sufficient. No further explanation is necessary. ETA: I missed the part about answering a question. I'd just say that's a question I'd rather not answer. And stick to it. Sometimes ignoring a question is fine, or avoiding it. But I don't ignore or avoid invitations. I don't feel like I owe other people excuses for something I don't want to do or say.
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Post by crazy4scraps on May 9, 2022 13:30:59 GMT
I said decline, but it really depends on the particular situation and whatever other dynamics might be at play. As others have mentioned, there are times when I really don’t want to do a thing but it’s important to DH or another family member so I will suck it up and go, just as I would hope they would do the same for me.
If I do decline, I try to make it as bulletproof as possible so the person who invited doesn’t feel like they can guilt me into changing my mind. I have encountered some pretty persistent people in my lifetime so I try to not give an excuse that offers any wiggle room because I’ve learned that if given an inch they will push for a mile.
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Post by 950nancy on May 9, 2022 13:32:50 GMT
I am very good at saying no. While I don't love confrontation, I hate the feeling of expectations and possibly dread even more.
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pinklady
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,922
Nov 14, 2016 23:47:03 GMT
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Post by pinklady on May 9, 2022 13:33:03 GMT
Sorry I can’t make it.
Declining is all that is necessary. You don’t have to give a reason. why do people let others control them? Oh wait, just look at the world around us. 🙄
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peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,891
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on May 9, 2022 13:49:12 GMT
There's no reason to be rude, so decline and say "I'm so sorry, I won't be able to make it. Thanks for asking." It's 1. the truth and 2. not rude. "Not able" is a nice way to say "don't want to." If they press, I suppose, then you can say "it's just not something I can do right now."
I just turned something down that I could've done but I knew that I would hate myself on the day of - just said "Oh, sorry. Sounds fun but I can't make it. Thanks for thinking of me!" BUT - I also know it's a set date and she won't come back with "what if we change the date to accommodate you?"
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Post by lucyg on May 9, 2022 14:31:04 GMT
You left out the obvious option of declining politely without saying something that sounds rude and/or hurtful. There's no reason to be rude, so decline and say "I'm so sorry, I won't be able to make it. Thanks for asking." It's 1. the truth and 2. not rude. "Not able" is a nice way to say "don't want to." If they press, I suppose, then you can say "it's just not something I can do right now." I just turned something down that I could've done but I knew that I would hate myself on the day of - just said "Oh, sorry. Sounds fun but I can't make it. Thanks for thinking of me!" BUT - I also know it's a set date and she won't come back with "what if we change the date to accommodate you?" Exactly all of that, with the addition of, if it’s something where they’ll change the date to accommodate you, like “let’s get together for lunch!” you can always say something like, “oh sorry, next week is really busy for me … how about we try again in a few weeks?” My experience is, usually they will have moved on by then.
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Post by lucyg on May 9, 2022 14:45:21 GMT
^^^^^well, maybe I misread your “decline” option. I took it to mean being forthright about why you’re declining. Never a good idea, unless you’re actually trying to start WWIII?
If you just meant being forthright about not attending, then we’re on the same page.
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Post by Ellie on May 9, 2022 15:32:05 GMT
The younger me would often have done the third and the aged me will say “thank you for thinking of me. I will not be attending.” This. At 49, I don't generally attend something if I don't want to. But I also don't have close family members inviting me to events all the time, so it may be easier for me to say that.
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Post by epeanymous on May 9, 2022 15:41:23 GMT
This depends. 99% of the time with 99% of people I am direct. But I have some people in my life who are downright abusive if I say no, and for them, I do the “sure I am going to come” and then cancel at the last minute because the alternative is literally months of being screamed at. I don’t feel bad about it at all.
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Post by katlady on May 9, 2022 15:52:25 GMT
I don’t do #2, but I’ll do all of the other 3 depending on the situation/person.
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Post by papersilly on May 9, 2022 16:53:11 GMT
i just faced this the other day. MIL lives in another state and will be coming to town for a week. her birthday, mine, and SILs all fall in the same month so they like to celebrate at once. i do not. i told DH that i wanted to ditch out on any gathering. i don't particularly enjoy them even when they aren't for a special occasion. i want him to go and enjoy the time with his family but i want to nope my way out of it. i told him that. just laid it all out on the table. he wasn't happy but i felt very relieved to just get it out.
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Post by flanz on May 9, 2022 17:13:16 GMT
Decline and get it over with. It will just hang over your head if you try to make up excuses or put it off. "I wish I could, but I don't want to" is a little abrupt, but effective. Depends on the situation/person involved, I guess. Good luck. I would definitely use this with people I'm close to. I remember the line from Phoebe on Friends... first time I'd heard it. Rude questions - "Why would you ask me that?" or "It's not something I talk about." I am direct and appreciate it in others. Invitation I do not wish to accept, "I'm sorry, I can't make it" or "I/we already have other plans." The plans might be to stay home and watch Netflix but no detailed explanations are needed.
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Post by disneypal on May 9, 2022 17:17:53 GMT
If it is a question I don't feel comfortable answering...I will give an answer without giving THE answer. For example, if someone says "What is your annual salary" and I don't feel I want to answer, I will say "Oh you know...it's never enough, right?
If it is an invitation and I don't want to go, I will decline and say "I am unable to attend" - if they ask why, I will reply with "I have a conflict"
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Post by hop2 on May 9, 2022 19:19:11 GMT
If it’s a social activity I don’t want to attend then I would respond I am unable to attend. Period. You do not owe any further explanation. If they ask then why just repeat that you are unable to attend. It’s really none of anyones business why you can’t attend.
The only people I feel obligated to give a reason not to attend a social event are my children. To them I’d be honest why.
Or maybe my job but then that isn’t a social event it’s a work event. If it’s a work event outside of my work time then again I am unable to attend that. period. During work hours then I might owe an explanation.
Spending time doing what I want to do, even if that is nothing is also a previous obligation. It’s an obligation to yourself. And you and what you need counts as well as anyone else
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The Great Carpezio
Pearl Clutcher
Something profound goes here.
Posts: 2,983
Jun 25, 2014 21:50:33 GMT
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Post by The Great Carpezio on May 9, 2022 19:23:41 GMT
Without knowing the specific situation, I have to say, "all of the above" because is really depends on who, when, why and how...
As I have aged, I am usually much more direct, but I also have some anxiety and neurodivergent tendencies, so it really does depend.
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momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,153
Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on May 9, 2022 21:32:34 GMT
Depends what it is. If I commit, I go. BUT there's a lot of things I don't love doing and have a hard time with it like it seems you do. I have this one friend who is a family friend. She loves to socialize and plans things way in advance. I feel like I get stuck saying yes way more than I want to because she asks so far out that there's no "excuse" to use 2 months prior to an event. I can't just say i'll be busy when that happens, but I want to
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RedSquirrelUK
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Location: The UK's beautiful West Country
Aug 2, 2014 13:03:45 GMT
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Post by RedSquirrelUK on May 9, 2022 21:43:59 GMT
Invitation: decline with thanks. No reason unless I want to give one. "Sorry, but I won't be able to come. Have a great time!" And then redirect by asking questions, like what they're wearing/what's the venue like/have they been there before until the subject is far enough away from me and my attendance. Question: ask another question back, like {smile} "Why do you ask?" or "why do you want to know?"
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Post by voltagain on May 9, 2022 22:09:33 GMT
How would you most likely deal with a question or invitation that you may feel socially you are expected to answer or attend, but you do not want to? The purpose of the poll is for me to understand if directness is uncomfortable or an anomaly. And to understand how to approach people’s different ways of coping. To me this can be two very different questions: How is the most LIKELY way to handle things you don’t want to answer to or attend? It also really depends on who is asking/inviting. I am most likely to simply avoid the question unless someone is super clueless and won't take a more subtle no. An invitation will get a "no thank you" Maybe more if I know I will NEVER attend a similar event with the inviter. I do think an invitation to attend something requires some sort of response either a yes I'll be there or a now I will never be caught dead at a rattlesnake round up.
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Loydene
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Posts: 2,639
Location: Albuquerque, New Mexico
Jul 8, 2014 16:31:47 GMT
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Post by Loydene on May 10, 2022 0:51:53 GMT
"oh! I'm sorry but I've already made plans for that time." I do not have to explain what those plans are -- even if the plan is NOT to do what they want me to do.
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Post by lucyg on May 10, 2022 1:23:32 GMT
Depends what it is. If I commit, I go. BUT there's a lot of things I don't love doing and have a hard time with it like it seems you do. I have this one friend who is a family friend. She loves to socialize and plans things way in advance. I feel like I get stuck saying yes way more than I want to because she asks so far out that there's no "excuse" to use 2 months prior to an event. I can't just say i'll be busy when that happens, but I want to Maybe not, but if you’re ballsy enough, you can say something like, “I just can’t commit this far in advance … too much likelihood of family (work/school/kids/grands/parents/volunteer commitment) demands getting in the way. Please ask me again in six weeks if that works for you.” Then in six weeks, if need be, you’re busy.
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Post by guzismom on May 10, 2022 1:26:28 GMT
I honestly cannot think of a circumstance that would be SO uncomfortable that I wouldn't simply say 'no' and state my reason why if asked. I am an adult.
ETA: after reading other responses, it seems I may have misunderstood the question. You're not talking about accepting or declining an invitation, I take it...but rather, wondering how to put a nosy friend/neighbor/family member in their place when asking inappropriate or personal questions. That...I have no problem saying 'I don't feel comfortable talking about that right now/with you.'
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Post by ScrapbookMyLife on May 10, 2022 2:23:36 GMT
I would RSVP (if there is a way to do so) or verbally or by text say "Thank you for the invite, but I am unable to attend. Have a wonderful time!".
These days I have boundaries and limits. First a polite no thank you. If asked again or hounded >> Then a firm NO!
If necessary or asked why...if I felt inclined to answer, my answer would be >>"I have another commitment". That commitment may be to myself or I may truly have another commitment. Taking care of me comes first. I am selective socially (even before covid). I don't have to accept or say yes to every invite. I make choices based on me, my life, my wellbeing....and I don't worry about being judged or what anyone else thinks. Like me or not, << I'm okay with both.
I won't be pressured, guilt tripped, talked into, coerced, etc... into doing something that I don't want to do. If I am not there......life will go on, the show will go on, camaraderie will be had, etc.. without my presence.
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Post by Mary_K on May 10, 2022 3:00:23 GMT
I'm sorry, I won't be able to make it.
I'm sorry, I won't be able to do that.
Mary K
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