Jili
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Jun 26, 2014 1:26:48 GMT
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Post by Jili on May 30, 2022 13:19:26 GMT
So I am going to be the Mother-of-the-Bride this December. Dd is doing the planning on her own, for the most part, as she's in another city two States away (and that's where the wedding will be). Plans are coming along, and I've even got a dress. She is marrying her HS boyfriend (they've been together for a decade now). Her MIL (who lives in my town) is making the flowers and is helping with table decorations and such. She doesn't work, has little going on, and loves to do this kind of thing.
My other dd is maid of honor. She is starting a graduate program, also in another State, this summer and has no cashflow. So basically I'm pretty much in-charge of the bridal shower by default. Yes, I know that's not cool according to etiquette, but whatever.
I guess we will have a shower here sometime in late summer or early Fall. I need to get going on this. I have the MIL breathing down my neck about it because she wants to host it and do all the things. I'd like to do *something* for my dd, even though this kind of planning and cute things isn't really how I roll. It literally sends me into a panic attack.
I am thinking of asking dh's aunt, who has a beautiful patio (and house) to provide the location, and then I will do the rest. Maybe charcuterie and champagne? I am also considering a restaurant. Anyway, I'm looking on Pinterest this morning, and I am overwhelmed. How Pinteresty do I have to make a shower these days? Can I do one or two cute things and call it a day? I haven't been to a shower in awhile and I was just planning to set up a nice buffet table with some decorations and let the mingling be the important part. What is the expectation these days?
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zztop11
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Post by zztop11 on May 30, 2022 13:40:51 GMT
Do what you want. Your daughter will appreciate what you do. Maybe you can put the MIL in charge of a game. She would probably like that. Keep in mind that Pinterest is a bunch of ideas. That's all. It doesn't mean that you have to do all of them. Your food idea is great. If you can't put the board together yourself, buy it from Costco and put it on a platter that you have. Buy pinwheel sandwiches from Costco and put it on your own platter. Buy some punch add sherbet and ginger ale. Have a bottle of vodka next to it and it's a go.
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anniebeth24
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Post by anniebeth24 on May 30, 2022 13:46:59 GMT
Congrats! Just attended my future DIL's shower a few weeks ago, hosted by her aunts. They rented a small community center where you had to bring everything but the tables and chairs.
Served three choices of soup from crock pots, a couple of salads (fruit, green, pasta), and an assortment of bar cookies/brownies. Desserts were cut into small pieces in muffin liners and put on trays. Lemonade and water in large dispensers.
The tables had a simple fabric runner with vases of fresh flowers. Place settings were an assortment of floral china - that was the only "pinteresty" thing to me.
One of the games was "guess the age of the bride and groom." They hung an assortment of childhood pictures with clothespins on a string which became a decoration.
They had a flower bar where each guest could choose a vase (could use mason jars) and make a bouquet from an assortment of flowers.
It was sweet without feeling over the top.
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Post by christine58 on May 30, 2022 13:48:40 GMT
So I am going to be the Mother-of-the-Bride this December. Dd is doing the planning on her own, for the most part, as she's in another city two States away (and that's where the wedding will be). Plans are coming along, and I've even got a dress. She is marrying her HS boyfriend (they've been together for a decade now). Her MIL (who lives in my town) is making the flowers and is helping with table decorations and such. She doesn't work, has little going on, and loves to do this kind of thing. My other dd is maid of honor. She is starting a graduate program, also in another State, this summer and has no cashflow. So basically I'm pretty much in-charge of the bridal shower by default. Yes, I know that's not cool according to etiquette, but whatever. I guess we will have a shower here sometime in late summer or early Fall. I need to get going on this. I have the MIL breathing down my neck about it because she wants to host it and do all the things. I'd like to do *something* for my dd, even though this kind of planning and cute things isn't really how I roll. It literally sends me into a panic attack. I am thinking of asking dh's aunt, who has a beautiful patio (and house) to provide the location, and then I will do the rest. Maybe charcuterie and champagne? I am also considering a restaurant. Anyway, I'm looking on Pinterest this morning, and I am overwhelmed. How Pinteresty do I have to make a shower these days? Can I do one or two cute things and call it a day? I haven't been to a shower in awhile and I was just planning to set up a nice buffet table with some decorations and let the mingling be the important part. What is the expectation these days? Honestly let her. LOL. Maybe ask your husband‘s aunt to provide the location and then let the mother-in-law run with it. I’ve seen and been to very basic showers and also some others with lots of decorations and themes. A friend of mine went to one yesterday that was Tiffany themed. I think you need to talk to your daughter too and see what she wants but if the mother-in-law wants to get all fancy dancy with decorations and it’s right up her alley, let her. Maybe you could put her in charge of the decorations and the theme and you could do the invitations and the food. |
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pilcas
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Post by pilcas on May 30, 2022 14:16:34 GMT
If future MIL likes crafty things, let her do the decorations and it takes something off your plate. You can do the rest.
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Post by Basket1lady on May 30, 2022 14:39:21 GMT
I can’t say how “modern” showers go, but I’d probably pick 2-3 ideas and go with that. You don’t want it to be so over the top that it looks like a Pinterest commercial!
I love the idea of having the shower at your SIL’s. It will be a step removed from you and take some of the stress off of you. It sounds like a lovely setting. Charcuterie and champagne sounds lovely.
It sounds like this is MIL’s thing and that she’s loving her involvement. I might set her some tasks. If you want to do cute photos of the couple, have her do the display. But you can decide if you want it to be a banner, on the tables, in frames, … That way it’s your idea. If you want to do a game, let her set it up. But you can decide the game and the details. If she likes flower arranging, that could be a task for her.
Also, she could be a big help the day of the event. Have a list of tasks that you would like her to manage. Setting up the tables if you do that, decorating with the photos (just and example), managing the food table are all good ideas for tasks to assign her.
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Post by jenjie on May 30, 2022 14:45:49 GMT
Congratulations!! Agree with what’s been said here. Also is dd having a bridal party? If they are in the area, get it touch with them and you should all collaborate together.
Your friends can help too. We are currently putting together a shower for bff’s dd, this is the second one I’ve helped with for her. Having a great time doing it. I didn’t need to do anything for my DD’s shower except provide a guest list, her girls did everything. But bc the groom’s family was from out of state, it was up to me to facilitate the rehearsal dinner. This is where friends stepped in and helped me.
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Post by SockMonkey on May 30, 2022 15:11:16 GMT
So I am going to be the Mother-of-the-Bride this December. Dd is doing the planning on her own, for the most part, as she's in another city two States away (and that's where the wedding will be). Plans are coming along, and I've even got a dress. She is marrying her HS boyfriend (they've been together for a decade now). Her MIL (who lives in my town) is making the flowers and is helping with table decorations and such. She doesn't work, has little going on, and loves to do this kind of thing. My other dd is maid of honor. She is starting a graduate program, also in another State, this summer and has no cashflow. So basically I'm pretty much in-charge of the bridal shower by default. Yes, I know that's not cool according to etiquette, but whatever. I guess we will have a shower here sometime in late summer or early Fall. I need to get going on this. I have the MIL breathing down my neck about it because she wants to host it and do all the things. I'd like to do *something* for my dd, even though this kind of planning and cute things isn't really how I roll. It literally sends me into a panic attack. I am thinking of asking dh's aunt, who has a beautiful patio (and house) to provide the location, and then I will do the rest. Maybe charcuterie and champagne? I am also considering a restaurant. Anyway, I'm looking on Pinterest this morning, and I am overwhelmed. How Pinteresty do I have to make a shower these days? Can I do one or two cute things and call it a day? I haven't been to a shower in awhile and I was just planning to set up a nice buffet table with some decorations and let the mingling be the important part. What is the expectation these days? I have hosted several showers in my home and if I had to do it again, I'd book a restaurant! It's so much easier and takes some of the Pinterest pressure off. (I live in the same general area as you, so can help you brainstorm locations!) Someone else is handling food/bev service, and someone else is cleaning up. The labor of setup and cleanup is worth the possible extra cost at a restaurant, IMO! Depends on your budget, too, though. |
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peabay
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Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on May 30, 2022 15:39:00 GMT
So I am going to be the Mother-of-the-Bride this December. Dd is doing the planning on her own, for the most part, as she's in another city two States away (and that's where the wedding will be). Plans are coming along, and I've even got a dress. She is marrying her HS boyfriend (they've been together for a decade now). Her MIL (who lives in my town) is making the flowers and is helping with table decorations and such. She doesn't work, has little going on, and loves to do this kind of thing. My other dd is maid of honor. She is starting a graduate program, also in another State, this summer and has no cashflow. So basically I'm pretty much in-charge of the bridal shower by default. Yes, I know that's not cool according to etiquette, but whatever. I guess we will have a shower here sometime in late summer or early Fall. I need to get going on this. I have the MIL breathing down my neck about it because she wants to host it and do all the things. I'd like to do *something* for my dd, even though this kind of planning and cute things isn't really how I roll. It literally sends me into a panic attack. I am thinking of asking dh's aunt, who has a beautiful patio (and house) to provide the location, and then I will do the rest. Maybe charcuterie and champagne? I am also considering a restaurant. Anyway, I'm looking on Pinterest this morning, and I am overwhelmed. How Pinteresty do I have to make a shower these days? Can I do one or two cute things and call it a day? I haven't been to a shower in awhile and I was just planning to set up a nice buffet table with some decorations and let the mingling be the important part. What is the expectation these days? Honestly let her. LOL. Maybe ask your husband‘s aunt to provide the location and then let the mother-in-law run with it. I’ve seen and been to very basic showers and also some others with lots of decorations and themes. A friend of mine went to one yesterday that was Tiffany themed. I think you need to talk to your daughter too and see what she wants but if the mother-in-law wants to get all fancy dancy with decorations and it’s right up her alley, let her. Maybe you could put her in charge of the decorations and the theme and you could do the invitations and the food. Totally agree with this. You be the host - you pay for it; arrange for the food etc... but let her decorate and have fun with it. It's still your party and your dd will know you arranged for it. I think this will make everyone happy - you don't have to have the headache of doing something that's not in your wheelhouse (it's not in mine either) and MIL will be thrilled. |
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janeinbama
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Post by janeinbama on May 30, 2022 16:56:11 GMT
Honestly, I ask your DD what she would like and go from there. She may not want to play games! We have found through the years, that a brunch is the most pain free for the hostesses. It doesn't tie up the entire day. Brunch food has options and mimosa bars are fun.
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Post by ~summer~ on May 30, 2022 17:05:13 GMT
I understand wanting to do something for your daughter - but it sounds like you don’t want to host the shower, it makes you panic and the MIL actually wants to do it. Can you just let her host and you do something else? Like a weekend away with your daughters or something you enjoy?
If you do want to host the shower I would keep it simple, but I really prefer simple. A brunch with fresh flowers is all you really need. Personally not a fan of cutesy Pinterest type stuff anyway. Congrats to you and your daughter.
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Post by epeanymous on May 30, 2022 20:34:23 GMT
Honestly, I ask your DD what she would like and go from there. She may not want to play games! We have found through the years, that a brunch is the most pain free for the hostesses. It doesn't tie up the entire day. Brunch food has options and mimosa bars are fun. Exactly. I know we are all different, but, personally, all I wanted at my shower (and I all want when I attend a shower) is some light booze (champagne/wine/mimosas), some light food (charcuterie sounds perfect!), a pretty space, and an opportunity to mix with the people I care about. I think good flowers and good food are really all you need -- I get really antsy when I show up for something like this and there are games and things like that. Some people may really want that! If your daughter does, my inclination would be to do exactly as you are thinking and to tell her future MIL to go nuts with the games and decorations; if she doesn't, I would thank her for the offer and through the event you want to throw. |
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Post by maryland on May 30, 2022 20:38:59 GMT
If the fiance's mom wants to do all of it, and you are busy, I would let her. I would be so happy not to have to bother. But parties aren't my thing (I am the least creative person/worst gift giver ever), so that's why I would be good with someone else doing it.  But if you have something special you would like to do, I would meet with your daughter and her fiance and his parents and divide up what needs to be done. That's nice that she has offered to host the party. |
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Post by bc2ca on May 30, 2022 20:56:52 GMT
Honestly, I ask your DD what she would like and go from there. She may not want to play games! We have found through the years, that a brunch is the most pain free for the hostesses. It doesn't tie up the entire day. Brunch food has options and mimosa bars are fun.  Luckily your DD has known her future MIL a long time and is likely familiar with her view of what a bridal shower should include. If this is what your DD wants, perfect. Let the MIL help as much as she wants. If DD is opposite of her future MIL in taste and style, you need to buffer for her. I look back at the simple, elegant shower one sis planned for another. A future SIL showed up early because she knew the decorations wouldn't be to her standards. She came with bags of honeycomb paper wedding bells, streamers, etc., and games.  The aunt's house sounds like a perfect location and a charcuterie/cheese/fruit board with champagne sounds lovely to me. I would pick one or two decor ideas from Pinterest and games only if your DD is interested. Have fun! |
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Post by lisae on May 30, 2022 21:16:34 GMT
I would use the friend's house and patio rather than a restaurant. That way people can be outside which is a nice option as Covid is still an issue. Also you will have more flexibility in your schedule. If the MIL wants to do something, ask her to bring flowers for the shower as well. I think if you just turn over everything to her, you will regret it in the end. Even if it gives you some anxiety, you will be happy you did an event for your daughter.
ETA: Your other daughter might elope when the time comes and you would have missed your chance.
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luvnlifelady
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Post by luvnlifelady on May 30, 2022 21:26:04 GMT
I like the idea of a restaurant more than a hone (easier for everyone). However, since the above poster mentioned Covid as a concern, maybe you could find one with patio seating (preferably covered in case of inclement weather).
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Post by craftedbys on May 30, 2022 21:41:59 GMT
Another vote for asking what your DD wants.
Especially the games and gifts.
I loathe everyone sitting in a circle and watching bride to be opening a gift , both as the bride to be and the guest. Trying to come up with something to say for each gift and having to keep smiling etc, as well as being the center of attention can be anxiety inducing.
You could always do a drop in shower or tea where people can come and go. Have people bring unwrapped gifts and place them on a beautifully decorated table.
If the couple is living out of town a drop by shower makes it easy to visit/mingle and guests aren't committing to spending 2 to 3 hours of forced socialization.
You could even stagger the guest list so not everyone is coming at once.
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Post by crazy4scraps on May 30, 2022 21:44:40 GMT
What does your DD want? I’d start there. If she likes all the cute crafty stuff then let MIL go nuts since that’s not in your wheelhouse. You handle the food, beverages and location and whatever else you can do that won’t totally stress you out.
Personally, I’m that crafty person who would be all over making pretty table decorations, invitations and favors and stuff but that’s just me. I’m always a little disappointed when someone I know who isn’t crafty throws a party like that and they don’t tap me to help, and then the whole thing is just kind of ‘meh’ when it could have been beautiful and awesome. For example, a friend’s son was getting married and she was in charge of the programs, etc. She tied them all into scrolls with sad red acrylic yarn and I was all like, dang, I probably have ten spools of narrow red satin ribbon in my studio you could have had for free…
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Post by magoosangel on May 30, 2022 21:52:51 GMT
You could find one of the companies that sets up the picnics and all the decor. I really love those.
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Post by ScrapbookMyLife on May 30, 2022 22:04:41 GMT
Hosting, entertaining, organizing a gathering is not everyone's thing, and that is very okay.
Sounds like MIL loves being the hostess and doing all the things it takes to host a shower, gathering, entertaining, etc...
If this kind of thing stresses you out, let MIL host it. You can offer to take care of something (cake, desserts, cupcake, etc...) or give her a set amount of cash to contribute to it. There no shame in handing over the responsibility, especially if it's something that makes you feel stressed.
Let MIL handle the shower and you do something else.
Maybe treat yourself and your Daughters to pedicures and lunch, as part of pre-shower or pre-wedding preparation/festivities.
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Post by littlemama on May 30, 2022 22:13:51 GMT
First, if you are intending to host the shower, you need to let the MIL know that you are hosting and you would love her HELP with a few things. If she is already breathing down your neck about it, she could end up being a real pain in the ass about it.
As for the shower, either a home or a restaurant (or a banquet hall) is fine. Most people dont care about the decorations or the games. If you are serving a meal, set the time for a mealtime. Ive been to far too many showers that start at 1pm with a full meal served at 130 or 2. If you are serving snacks, set it for a non-meal time.
Try to keep the length to 2 hours. Back when women were generally stay at home moms, it was easier for them to devote 4 hours to a shower on a weekend. Now, most women are working and weekend hours are precious hours.
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Post by cakediva on May 31, 2022 1:37:33 GMT
So there is no rule that says there can’t be more than one shower. I had 3 - DHs sister & mom had one, my aunt hosted one and my bridesmaids hosted the third.
So let the MIL do one for their family and you can host something different for your family/friends.
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cycworker
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Post by cycworker on May 31, 2022 2:46:57 GMT
Honestly let her. LOL. Maybe ask your husband‘s aunt to provide the location and then let the mother-in-law run with it. I’ve seen and been to very basic showers and also some others with lots of decorations and themes. A friend of mine went to one yesterday that was Tiffany themed. I think you need to talk to your daughter too and see what she wants but if the mother-in-law wants to get all fancy dancy with decorations and it’s right up her alley, let her. Maybe you could put her in charge of the decorations and the theme and you could do the invitations and the food. Totally agree with this. You be the host - you pay for it; arrange for the food etc... but let her decorate and have fun with it. It's still your party and your dd will know you arranged for it. I think this will make everyone happy - you don't have to have the headache of doing something that's not in your wheelhouse (it's not in mine either) and MIL will be thrilled. Add me to the list of let her do it, unless you're comfortable having a 'Croatian' style shower. I shall elaborate. In my culture (my dad, and my maternal grandparents were both born in Croatia), we do things by committee. It's a community event. Friends of the MOB or MOG (or both) work together. There are usually about 8 in the committee. And yes, we call it, "The Committee." We don't mail invitations. Each person has a phone list. Each person is responsible for sandwiches & desserts. When I was growing up, it was verboten to buy the desserts for the plate... people would make squares. Even if you're not on the committee, if the shower is big enough, certain people will contribute a plate of sandwiches or squares. How it works is that on the day of the shower, you create platters that are all exactly the same. They even determine in advance who will make what square and who will make which sandwich. And then day of, the sandwiches get divided up so that each table has a variety. They're like the little triangle tea sized sandwiches. It amounts to about 4 dozen sandwiches & 4 dozen squares? Actually, likely more like 6. I don't remember that level of detail. It's been 12 years since the last one. LOL. But you get the concept. It's almost potluck, but not quite, in that only some folks bring stuff. Note that I've never been to one of these showers with less than 40 guests, and 50 isn't uncommon, particularly if one of the members of the couple getting married aren't Croatian (If they are, it can may make the guest list a little bit smaller due to more potential for overlap re: people the couple's parents know. For Croatians, these things are about intergenerational stuff. It doesn't matter if the bride/groom even know the guests). They are always in a hall, as a result. |
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pinklady
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Post by pinklady on May 31, 2022 3:23:27 GMT
I need to get going on this. I have the MIL breathing down my neck about it because she wants to host it and do all the things. I'd like to do *something* for my dd, even though this kind of planning and cute things isn't really how I roll. It literally sends me into a panic attack. If her MIL wants to do it, give MIL whatever amount you’re willing to spend and tell her to have at it. |
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Jili
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Jun 26, 2014 1:26:48 GMT
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Post by Jili on May 31, 2022 4:01:51 GMT
Thanks, everyone!
In thinking about this today, I'm realizing two things: 1) I really am terrible at doing this kind of planning and it scares me. It's mostly the creativity/decorative pieces that freak me out, and 2) a big part of my problem here is with the MIL. I need to own it.
I'll spare everyone my larger concerns and just focus on the wedding. She is doing a lot for the wedding itself, and she is really talented at it. I greatly admire it. I, on the other hand, along with my daughter and her fiance, am funding the bulk of the festivities. I want to do more than just head to work to earn the $$ to pay for it all (MIL and FIL do not work, which is a hint into the larger picture). Just one thing, and that thing is co-planning the shower with my younger dd. I really do like the idea of giving her something to do where that is involved-- it doesn't have to be everything. I think that would make her really happy and I am OK with that.
Oh-- I am knitting a bridal shawl for my daughter. Or, I will be, as soon as she chooses a yarn from the swatches I've sent her. That is something that she has asked me to do. I can't wait to get started on that.
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Jili
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Post by Jili on May 31, 2022 4:02:24 GMT
These ideas are great, thank you!!!
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FurryP
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Post by FurryP on May 31, 2022 4:12:21 GMT
Is DHs aunt going to want people at her house? I would start there. I also 3rd or 4th asking your daughter first, and then letting MIL run with the show. You can help when you can.
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gina
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Post by gina on May 31, 2022 4:24:21 GMT
I wouldn't let MIL run the show. I would delegate a task or two to her so she can feel involved. I would still throw & host the party myself for my daughter.
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peabay
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Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on May 31, 2022 11:57:53 GMT
Thanks, everyone! In thinking about this today, I'm realizing two things: 1) I really am terrible at doing this kind of planning and it scares me. It's mostly the creativity/decorative pieces that freak me out, and 2) a big part of my problem here is with the MIL. I need to own it. I'll spare everyone my larger concerns and just focus on the wedding. She is doing a lot for the wedding itself, and she is really talented at it. I greatly admire it. I, on the other hand, along with my daughter and her fiance, am funding the bulk of the festivities. I want to do more than just head to work to earn the $$ to pay for it all (MIL and FIL do not work). Just one thing, and that thing is co-planning the shower with my younger dd. I really do like the idea of giving her something to do where that is involved-- it doesn't have to be everything. I think that would make her really happy and I am OK with that. Oh-- I am knitting a bridal shawl for my daughter. Or, I will be, as soon as she chooses a yarn from the swatches I've sent her. That is something that she has asked me to do. I can't wait to get started on that. Now THAT is something she'll treasure. Little doodads at the shower are nice, but that is something she'll have (and remember) forever. |
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Post by mikklynn on Jun 3, 2022 11:27:05 GMT
If future MIL likes crafty things, let her do the decorations and it takes something off your plate. You can do the rest. That is my thought, too. I'll add keeping it simple is just fine. |
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But if you have something special you would like to do, I would meet with your daughter and her fiance and his parents and divide up what needs to be done. That's nice that she has offered to host the party.
Luckily your DD has known her future MIL a long time and is likely familiar with her view of what a bridal shower should include. If this is what your DD wants, perfect. Let the MIL help as much as she wants. 
