Need opinions on 16 year olds and dating

I would stay away from it. At that age, it will end sooner or later anyway. My DS is 15 and have dated two girls so far, and I wouldn't dream of interfering unless I thought it was a destructive relationship, and from what you tell, it isn't.

I think I would just be aware of things. A young lady coming out of some difficulty may be in a place in life where it's easy to become dependent upon another person and that can lead to a variety of problems. I wouldn't say anything to him yet, just would be available to give guidance as needed.

If you fight him on this, it won't end well. My dd is 15 and has been dating her bf for over a year and a half. Now they text and talk all the time but don't see each other outside of school that much. Maybe once a week. While I was not happy with this overall, I figured I can fight her and she can hate me and do what she wants behind my back or I can support her and be there for her if she needs me. This boy is great and so are his parents so I am not worried. He really is a gentleman and he and his family are very involved in their church so I feel better.

As for her having issues, if she is using your ds and vice versa, I say let them be as long as it is a healthy relationship.

to me it seems like a summer romance in full bloom. Once school starts and band practice as you mentioned, the time they spend together will be limited. I say let it go, these things find a way of fizzling out on there own.

I have to say, from PERSONAL experience, that when parents DO talk to their kids about relationships, and their concerns they DO listen. They might not act like they do, or admit to it, but they do. AND they don't go running to the other person, or it pushes them further towards that person. That just hasn't been our experience. My dd's have listened. They don't always agree, and they don't always do exactly what we want, but they do listen

I really agree with this. 

He really has to realize that he cannot and should not be responsible for someone else's happiness. He could be worried about breaking her heart. 

My oldest dd met her dh when she was 15. The more we fought her about how serious they were getting, the more she liked him. Granted, there wasn't the emotional/mental component that you are facing, but it was still scary to watch her get so serious so fast. She's 22 now, they're married, and have a dd of their own. I worry that if they don't continue to grow together, they're marriage won't last. Looking back now, I wish we would've laid off a little. 

Get him to be a little busier. If it's meant to be, it will be, but you don't have to make it easy, either. 

With her issues, I think they shouldn't be so dependent on each other. I agree with your husband that every day is a little too much. We don't even like our kids seeing their same gender friends every day. My daughter's first boyfriend (they are both 16) came over to our house a few times a week. They also saw each other at school, but no classes together. They only dated for 2 months, but are best friends now. We really liked him and he was always welcome. But they both had other stuff going on too that kept them busy and not so dependent on each other.

When I was 17 (my boyfriend 16 and we met over the summer). We wanted to see each other all day every day! My family loved him, and he was always welcome to come over. But his mom thought it was too much to see each other every day. It didn't make us dislike his mom, but I think it helped our relationship. We didn't get bored with each other, and were always so happy to see each other every other day.

My DH and I started dating when we were almost 14, and we just celebrated 10 years of marriage, so it is possible. We also broke up and dated other people for a while in high school.
Katie

Actually, the same goes in my house.  We've always had good communication and he's always taken our advice into consideration when it comes to his relationships.

But that isn't always the case as is evidenced by vronn's situation.

And while sex shouldn't be the main concern here, don't count it out as something that will make their relationship stronger - at least in their eyes.  

I still say don't assume it will run it's course and do nothing, but don't push him on it either.

I agree.

Because he has a natural break coming with band, I wouldn't push him to stay away from her. It will happen naturally. If it doesn't - if he tries to blow off activities like band that he enjoys - then you have to speak up. For now, I'd keep the lines of communication open and be supportive. Young people need us, on some level, to show some faith in them... to let them know we believe they can handle things. I know that far too often, even though they would claim they were 'teasing,' my parents gave me the message I was stupid & incompetent. So be careful not to do that. 

I am not often a fan of talking to the other parents, but it might not hurt in this case. What do they see? Would be worthwhile to do a little investigating, make sure they aren't planning the weddig already.   All teasing aside... are they encouraging her to be codependent on your ds, suggesting overtly or tacitly that she won't make it w/o him, trying to put him in the Saviour/White Knight role? Because that is, as mentioned by others, not an appropriate position to be in at 16 years old. Without discouraging their relationship, her parents can and should be showing her that, "See you did so well at X event. Wouldn't it be great to call one of your girl friends and go to Y?" Something along those lines... basically utilizing this relationship as a teaching tool to change her thinking & build her confidence (I hope the girl also has a counsellor who is doing this too). 

In general, I see nothing wrong with a sixteen year old dating, as long as they are following whatever the parental rules are.

In your son's case, I see huge red flags.
Needy, co-dependent, severe anxiety, are traits that would make me concerned, that in the event of a break-up, would she be a stalker?, threaten self harm?, try to trap him by pregnancy?, etc..
Age 16, is hard enough....without taking on the emotional and mental issues of another teenager.

In your son's case, I agree with your husband. Monitor and control their time together. She does not need to join you for every family outing. He does not need to spend every day, all day, with her. 
You don't have to cut him off from her, but definitely scale back on their time together.

I met my dh when I was a few weeks shy of my 17th birthday. We've been together for 20 years this September, married for 14, and so happy together.

My dh had been horribly bullied, teased for his appearance, told that no girl in their right mind would date him. I was on of three juniors to have a locker in the senior's building. Dh fixed my locker so I could get my papers for registration the first day. I added a speech class, so the next Monday when I walked into the classroom the first time, as dh puts it "I was literally bowled over for her" --We met eyes, dh lost his balance while leaning back in a chair, and crashed to the floor. Most of the kids rolled their eyes and were exacerbated that once again, the school loser had made a fool of himself.

He said he was smitten from that moment. I was so intimidated at being at a new school, a huge school of 500 instead of homeschooling, and had been in a very fundamental Christian cult--no dating. courting couldn't start until college. It was expected that your first kiss be at your wedding... *I* thought that was the stupidest thing I had ever heard of. My dad agreed. The cult had cut ties with my family when they decided to send me to this out of state Christian college-prep school that had a high school dormitory program.

Little did I know that everyone thought I was the "hot new girl". Dh was teased even worse for liking me. He was told I was out of his league, nobody could love him. He was just a scrawny, gangly thin nerd with 80s glasses, ugly clothes and a pocket protector. --His parents were older and did dress him funny. I also didn't know that the teachers and principal had noticed the sparks between us that first week in speech class.

Dh's parents were faculty, so dh got free tuition. (Tuition was expensive, so not being a paying student was another thing to ridicule) They were going to pay out of pocket to send dh to another Christian school for his Senior year because the harassment had been so bad The first day, the Senior Class Assembly on the first day had written mean jokes about dh into their program. Our last name is French and rhymes with "RoGAY" so it doesn't take much imagination to see what dh was saddled with. Others simply called him f@ggot. (Nothing makes me angrier)

Our speech teacher put dh and I together with another girl on the first project, which was to write and produce a commercial and video tape it. Dh was quite stubborn and hard to get along with at first. I am very good at reading people, and it didn't take long to figure out that the other kids were assholes, and dh had put up a huge wall. He had beamed at me with this gorgeous smile when our eyes had met that first day in class. His face had soon turn into sadness and jealousy as the other guys tried to get me to sit by them. I could read the pain in his eyes. I kept talking to him, and he looked at me with amazement. The other girl on our project told me that dh had told everyone that he liked me. I told her (loud enough for dh to hear) that I liked him, too. Her brother was one of the assholes who called dh f@ggot, and she didn't like his attitude at school. (they were also faculty, but the brother was in tight with the cool, rich kids) My dad made more money than any of their fathers, and I was so tired of pretentious, wannabe frat boys. (I had been in a cult, but I'd also been around a bit and knew what it was like in public school, etc.) Status didn't mean anything to me, and I had learned that when you're rich, people pretend to like you just so they can use your stuff, go to the beach, ect. I was thrilled at being able to be incognito at this school.

We used my CD boombox and Gameboy for our project, so dh would meet me at my dorm in the morning and after school to help me carry the boombox and put it away before first period. I could tell that he wanted to ask me out that Friday when he was helping me with all my stuff. I asked him if there was something he wanted to ask me. I told him that say, if he were to ask me to go to the campus church service on Sunday morning, I would probably say yes. His lip was in danger of hitting the floor he was so flabberghasted I had said that. (everyone had been telling me that he was going to ask me--and everyone had been SO nice in informing me that *they* had told him that I was completely out of his league and couldn't be interested in *him* <---with that tone used to describe cockroaches or serial killers.

Dh was amazed I actually showed up on Sunday morning. He was so nervous and kept alternating between looking at me and smiling, and trying to look serious instead of sitting there with a big grin on his face. His hands trembled. He didn't even try the "touch the girl's hand with my hand while we hold the hymnal" trick. The week before, we had talked a bit on the long walk between the school and my dorm. We both had unusual senses of humour, like thinking Gary Larson was the best comic ever, and we were both braniacs who read through the encyclopedia and learned stuff for fun. I felt like I had known this guy all my life. He couldn't get over the fact that I knew about computers, and had all the outdoor knowledge of a boy scout. We walked together between classes, ate lunch together, and the next week, dh asked me if I would do him the honour of being his girlfriend. I said yes, and he almost sprouted wings and flew over the school a few times.

I was bombarded by people wanting to know what I saw in him. He was sweet, he was respectful, he didn't gawk at my C cup size chest or look me up and down like the other guys did. He was interested in my opinion, we talked about ships and shoes, and ceiling wax, of cabbages and kings... Everyone called him by his full first name, Robert. I had a nasty piano teacher with that name. I had always liked a shorted version of Rob. I told him that, and told him that I thought that Robert was too formal and could I call him Rob as a pet name. It also helped differentiate from him and his best friend from kindergarten who was also named Robert. He was floating by that time.

My birthday is in late September. Dh had wanted to take me out somewhere, but his parents were out of town. So he had no choice but to take me to the snack shop on campus--it didn't have the best reputation. He also had made me a handmade card with his mom's cardmaking supplies (he actually thought a handmade card was subpar to Hallmark) and gave me a little porcelain bear figurine.

Dh told me in the card that I had saved his life. Over lunch, he told me about that first day of school and his parents plans to go to send him to another school. He told me that his real plan had been to commit suicide that Friday afternoon that I had gotten him to ask me out. (I don't know what came over me, I normally would have NEVER in my life been that forward--I was embarrassed that I had been so forward. It wasn't ladylike, at all according to all the etiquette and lady's instructions I had learned in the cult.) He went on to tell me how happy I had made him, and that he wanted to come to school now.

Dh was so worried that I wouldn't like the meal, and that he blamed himself, that I ate most of my cheeseburger even though it was rancid. He was trying so hard to make my first birthday away from my family special. The next week, his parents invited me over to their house after church on Sunday evening and surprised me with a homemade birthday cake! They were so thrilled with me. I was so glad I had all that etiquette training, and I was able to carry on conversations like an adult and knew to offer to help them with the dishes.

The first day dh and I officially began dating, a friend took a photo. I mailed that to my dad. Y'all will NOT believe this. My dad showed the photo to his receptionist, who said, "I know him!" Turned out that her father and dh's grandfather were brothers. Grandpa and dh's parents came to the beach several times to visit. MIL is so sweet. Dh's dad has always had a chip on his shoulder about my parents having money. I never acted like I was better or turned my nose up at the old junker dh drove. I seriously didn't care. Still don't.

My parents were so much more at ease once they knew something about dh and his family. My favourite camp counselor from the Christian summer camp I'd been going to every summer turned out to be dh's first cousin!

Dh had a lot of sharp edges and hang ups when we first got together. I was worried about his mental health--what if we had an argument and broke up? I did sit dh down and tell him that I was worried about him. I also told him that I could understand the way he felt. I had thoughts of killing myself with all the stuff that went on with my mom. I just couldn't do that to my dad.


While we did kiss after a couple of months and made out at dh's house, we were also best friends. We weren't allowed to hold hands or have any public displays of affection at school. We weren't that couple that was all over each other all the time. We liked to be together just because we like each other. We didn't quarrel, there was no drama. We didn't act like high schoolers. We just like being together. We do our own things, but together is where we're happiest. That hasn't changed.

With us both having chronic pain and medical problems--there have been times when a sexual relationship wasn't possible. We are so glad that we really, truly like each other. We don't care where we are, how much money we have or had, or what we do, just as long as we're together. You think we'd be talked out by now. We have never run out of things to say to each other---although lots of times we're just happy to each do their thing as long as we're together in the same room.

I would have concerns about codependence if I were in your situation. This girl might be just the thing for your son, but I totally agree that he shouldn't have to worry about her hurting herself if the relationship changed. Not only did I help dh, I convinced a lot of the other students that they were wrong, and nobody wants to be bullied or made fun of. Dh's life was so much better. He didn't have depression because of something in his brain, it was from a type of abuse. I also know that there's a lot of girls that play these kinds of headgames with men and are so lacking in self esteem that they truly believe they are worthless without a man. I think this girl is too young for that. To me, it sounds like her parents haven't pushed her out of the nest. Maybe they're helicopter parents like my mom was. I had to fight tooth and claw to get out of the nest--but that's the kind of person I am. Once this girl gets a taste of freedom, with a boy and his family that will treat her well and show her what a healthy relationship should be, she might have a lot less anxiety. Some people have those issues internally, some have the issues because others make them anxious.

I'm sorry this is long, but I thought my experience would help you since I've dealt with this problem. In dh's case, it was outside influences that had to change for him to be well. He also had to grow into himself.

I have been married to my husband for 22 years and we started dating when I was 15, so I have to interject regarding your husband's comment. Some people do meet their soul mate at 15.

As far as dating and spending time together: I have a 15 yr. old son and I 19 yr. old daughter. I think spending time together 2-3 days or evenings throughout the week (Mon-Thurs) and maybe twice on a weekend (Fri, Sat, Sun) is enough. I have never wanted my kids to spend time with their significant other every single day, at least not long periods of time every single day.

I would also think that your husband making comments to your son as if his relationship with his girlfriend is insignificant, is really disrespectful. Whether this is a "forever relationship" or not, your son likes her and is taking this friendship/relationship situation seriously. Dating is the perfect practice for future relationships and eventually marriage. It's the perfect time to teach him about respecting this girl, boundaries, etc. It is not a time to teach him that relationships are trivial. JMO