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Post by littlemama on Jul 25, 2022 19:36:23 GMT
Something else, depending on the circumstances?
I get being curious-- I know that I'm curious about it when I hear of a death.
I was just on the receiving end of a Facebook message from a stranger. She says she was a longtime friend of my late BF (died in 2019), and wondered 'what he passed of.'
I don't want to answer. The question irritates me, and how it was delivered bugs me as well. And the timing. It's not logical to me that I'm irritated. But I am.
Should I answer her? I feel petty and weird withholding the info.
In your specific example, why don't you want her to know? What does withholding the information gain you and what does telling her cost you? |
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craftykitten
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,304
Jun 26, 2014 7:39:32 GMT
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Post by craftykitten on Jul 25, 2022 19:47:29 GMT
Also, I often find that people follow up difficult questions with stupid comments like “at least they aren’t suffering any more”. Like, it was a puzzle and now they’ve solved it and this is their conclusion, all neatly wrapped up. And you have had to relive your loss, find a way to tell them, and then you are left with all the emotions and they just move on.
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sharlag
Drama Llama
I like my artsy with a little bit of fartsy.
Posts: 6,586
Location: Kansas
Jun 26, 2014 12:57:48 GMT
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Post by sharlag on Jul 25, 2022 19:53:17 GMT
In your specific example, why don't you want her to know? What does withholding the information gain you and what does telling her cost you? It doesn't cost me anything, but I feel like answering would reward tackiness. |
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Post by Bobomommy on Jul 25, 2022 20:03:12 GMT
I would be very tempted to answer:
How kind of you to wait three years before asking about Jimmy Joe’s death. He was on a trip to Area 51 and simply disappeared. The only thing found was his left shoe. We assume he was abducted by aliens.
That’s what I’d WANT to do, but I’d just ignore her.
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Post by jenjie on Jul 25, 2022 20:13:22 GMT
sharlag did she even offer condolences? If so, just say “thank you for your kind words” or whatever, even ask for a memory they have of him if you are inclined, and let it go. If she presses the issue you can say it upsets you to think about that time, or something. If she didn’t bother to offer condolences or say something nice, I wouldn’t even respond.
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Post by padresfan619 on Jul 25, 2022 20:15:19 GMT
Something else, depending on the circumstances?
I get being curious-- I know that I'm curious about it when I hear of a death.
I was just on the receiving end of a Facebook message from a stranger. She says she was a longtime friend of my late BF (died in 2019), and wondered 'what he passed of.'
I don't want to answer. The question irritates me, and how it was delivered bugs me as well. And the timing. It's not logical to me that I'm irritated. But I am.
Should I answer her? I feel petty and weird withholding the info.
In your specific example, why don't you want her to know? What does withholding the information gain you and what does telling her cost you? Answering the question just emboldens her to ask the next person who has a death in their family. It may not cost anything to answer but it’s a very disrespectful question to ask. |
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sharlag
Drama Llama
I like my artsy with a little bit of fartsy.
Posts: 6,586
Location: Kansas
Jun 26, 2014 12:57:48 GMT
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Post by sharlag on Jul 25, 2022 20:28:41 GMT
sharlag did she even offer condolences? If so, just say “thank you for your kind words” or whatever, even ask for a memory they have of him if you are inclined, and let it go. If she presses the issue you can say it upsets you to think about that time, or something. If she didn’t bother to offer condolences or say something nice, I wouldn’t even respond. Yes, she did offer condolences. I can't tell much from her profile, like if she worked with him or how she knew him. |
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Post by jenjie on Jul 25, 2022 20:45:05 GMT
sharlag did she even offer condolences? If so, just say “thank you for your kind words” or whatever, even ask for a memory they have of him if you are inclined, and let it go. If she presses the issue you can say it upsets you to think about that time, or something. If she didn’t bother to offer condolences or say something nice, I wouldn’t even respond. Yes, she did offer condolences. I can't tell much from her profile, like if she worked with him or how she knew him. So odd that she showed up with no context. I’m sorry. People don’t understand the emotional burden they can put on others just to satisfy their own curiosity. |
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scrappinmama
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,672
Jun 26, 2014 12:54:09 GMT
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Post by scrappinmama on Jul 25, 2022 20:49:01 GMT
It's generally not a good thing to ask. Let the family tell you what they feel comfortable telling you, but don't pressure them. Now, if you were very close to the person, I could see you blurt it out from shock. But in this case it sounds like they are being nosey.
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SabrinaP
Pearl Clutcher
Busy Teacher Pea
Posts: 4,467 
Location: Dallas Texas
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Post by SabrinaP on Jul 25, 2022 20:50:42 GMT
I think it is human nature to want to know. It might help with closure. I also think it is rude and tacky to ask close loved ones the question. This. I will admit to often being curious, but I would never ever ask. Especially to a stranger that loved that person on Facebook. |
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Post by littlemama on Jul 25, 2022 21:00:07 GMT
In your specific example, why don't you want her to know? What does withholding the information gain you and what does telling her cost you? It doesn't cost me anything, but I feel like answering would reward tackiness. I truly dont believe that asking what happened is tacky, especially when it is someone who was not elderly. It is a natural question to ask. |
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Post by mellyw on Jul 25, 2022 21:03:20 GMT
It’s human nature, I think. We all only share two things as humans, birth and death.
My 24 year old Niece died from the flu. I completely understood the questions, especially because she was so young. The more annoying though, were those who knew she was a Type 1 diabetic. My DD is also, and making giant leaps in logic that meant my DD was next. That’s where curiosity stopped and logical fallacies took hold, all said right in front of me, the Aunt who lost a beloved Niece and Mom of the supposed next victim. People are just weird sometimes
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peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,975
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Jul 25, 2022 21:04:33 GMT
It doesn't cost me anything, but I feel like answering would reward tackiness. I truly dont believe that asking what happened is tacky, especially when it is someone who was not elderly. It is a natural question to ask. See, and I think it's a natural question to wonder about, but it's weird to ask. We have a young woman in our community who died this week. She was 29; she went through elementary, middle and high school with one of my daughters. Am I curious about her cause of death? Most definitely. Would I reach out to someone I barely know to ask? Not a chance. The family said in her obituary "after a long and difficult illness"; clearly, that's what they want "curious bystanders" to know. And that has to be good enough for me. |
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Post by chaosisapony on Jul 25, 2022 21:21:06 GMT
Normal to wonder, tacky to ask.
Personally it doesn't bother me if someone asks me how a loved one died. I'll tell them, I don't take offense to the question and I don't think it has anything to do with someone making a moral judgement about the deceased's life. My dad was a lifelong smoker, he died of lung cancer. That doesn't make him any less deserving of being mourned. It doesn't make me sad/uncomfortable/embarrassed to tell people that fact.
I have had old friends pass away that my first thought is to wonder what happened. We're in our 30s so you assume something tragic happened. While I don't particularly understand the secrecy around their causes of death I certainly respect that it's not my place to ask for details.
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Post by littlemama on Jul 25, 2022 21:47:03 GMT
I truly dont believe that asking what happened is tacky, especially when it is someone who was not elderly. It is a natural question to ask. See, and I think it's a natural question to wonder about, but it's weird to ask. We have a young woman in our community who died this week. She was 29; she went through elementary, middle and high school with one of my daughters. Am I curious about her cause of death? Most definitely. Would I reach out to someone I barely know to ask? Not a chance. The family said in her obituary "after a long and difficult illness"; clearly, that's what they want "curious bystanders" to know. And that has to be good enough for me. Typically, "a long illness" refers to cancer. |
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Post by christine58 on Jul 25, 2022 22:08:04 GMT
See, and I think it's a natural question to wonder about, but it's weird to ask. We have a young woman in our community who died this week. She was 29; she went through elementary, middle and high school with one of my daughters. Am I curious about her cause of death? Most definitely. Would I reach out to someone I barely know to ask? Not a chance. The family said in her obituary "after a long and difficult illness"; clearly, that's what they want "curious bystanders" to know. And that has to be good enough for me. Typically, "a long illness" refers to cancer. Or in the case I know, he struggled with severe mental health issues and that is what his obit said. |
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Post by Linda on Jul 25, 2022 22:09:21 GMT
I'm on the natural to wonder, rude to ask bench.
In part because sometimes the answer is complicated and the surviving family perhaps doesn't want to explain "she was found dead the next day presumably died instantly, no probably not a heart attack, just sudden death" (my mum) or "yes he was supposed to be released from the hospital that weekend but went into organ failure after exploratory surgery that found colon cancer but we didn't know about the cancer until after he was already dead" (my dad)
and in part because if they wanted to share, they would have.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Jul 25, 2022 22:11:20 GMT
Typically, "a long illness" refers to cancer. Or in the case I know, he struggled with severe mental health issues and that is what his obit said. I agree - i know several obits involving mental illness who reference long illness - also one cystic fibrosis and a MS / i wouldn’t assume anything other than they have no desire to share further |
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Post by gar on Jul 25, 2022 22:19:16 GMT
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Post by finsup on Jul 25, 2022 23:12:26 GMT
My mother recently died here in my home. She was to be moved to the hospice house the morning she died which was very hard on me because I wanted her to die at home. I had been out of her room for about an hour that morning just prior to the transport team arriving to pick her up. When I took them to her room with their stretcher, I leaned over mama on the bed to take her hand and explain what was happening. I knew then she was gone. I began to feel for a pulse as did the older woman of the transport pair. She got her stethoscope and a pulse oximeter, but I didn't need that proof. She stepped out to call her boss and to notify hospice. The younger woman with her whispered, "What did she die of?" She looked genuinely shook by the experience. I explained that it was basically just old age - she gave out at 97 years of age. The girl then whispered, "I'm only 21 and my grandpa is 94." Ummmm... It was odd but I could tell she was struggling. And honestly, it helped me in the moment to find that pause in which to gather myself and be at peace with what had happened. Mama always did have a flair for the dramatic. She waited until the last damn minute, but she followed the plan and died at home. I’m so sorry about the loss of your beloved mom and love that she followed the plan. It reminds me of my mom and I hope you get a smile out of my story. My mom was really into decorating and took great pride in her home. When she was diagnosed with the cancer that took her life 15 months later she said, “No ugly hospital bed in my house.” When she was near the end and in hospice the hospice staff encouraged us to bring in a hospital bed to make it easier for us to care for her and we agreed. The staff delivered the bed, my sister-in-law ran out to buy sheets for it, and my mom took her last breath while still in her favorite chair and before the hospice staff had gotten more than a few miles down the road. My brother turned to my stepdad and said, “She told us she didn’t want that fucking bed.” |
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Post by cmpeter on Jul 25, 2022 23:13:21 GMT
Rude and tacky and I would ignore the question.
I can't imagine asking a stranger. I don't think I would even ask someone I knew, I wouldn't want to dredge it up or make them feel like they had to talk about it if they weren't ready/willing able.
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Post by deekaye on Jul 25, 2022 23:16:09 GMT
If she was truly a long-time friend of your late BF, I would think she would already know details. Ignore her. You have no obligation to answer. Rude question.
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Post by Blind Squirrel on Jul 26, 2022 0:01:39 GMT
The question never bothered me. My husband died at 54 quite unexpectedly and I saw it as people trying to make sense out of such a sudden death. I can see how it would be offensive to others though.
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Post by littlemama on Jul 26, 2022 0:18:08 GMT
The question never bothered me. My husband died at 54 quite unexpectedly and I saw it as people trying to make sense out of such a sudden death. I can see how it would be offensive to others though. I think that is the crux of it. People want to make sense out of things that dont make sense. I wouldnt ask immediate family if I wasnt close to them, but I would ask someone who might know more than I do. In the majority of the cases, I dont see how it would be offensive. I'd rather have been able to tell people how FIL died than have the small town rumor mill churning about him for 4 months. THAT is offensive. |
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Post by hop2 on Jul 26, 2022 0:35:24 GMT
It’s a horrible thing to ask.
Do I get curious? Yes. Have I ever asked? No. I would never, it’s an if they want to share they will type of thing.
Well, unless, you consider when my BIL called to tell me my sister was dead and I did ask what happened? why? How? Because it was unexpected and abrupt. She was killed, he told me how. But that is literally the only time in that first notification phone call. I have never ever asked for any further details from him or my nieces & nephew. If they want to tell me they will.
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ellen
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,128
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Post by ellen on Jul 26, 2022 0:37:29 GMT
My mom died unexpectedly and I had people ask me what happened. It really didn't bother me because I felt like they were asking from a place of concern about her. It didn't feel like curiosity. They felt bad and it was shortly after she died. If I got a message from someone two years after my mom died asking what happened to her, it would bug me. Ask someone else.
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Jul 26, 2022 1:09:37 GMT
My mother recently died here in my home. She was to be moved to the hospice house the morning she died which was very hard on me because I wanted her to die at home. I had been out of her room for about an hour that morning just prior to the transport team arriving to pick her up. When I took them to her room with their stretcher, I leaned over mama on the bed to take her hand and explain what was happening. I knew then she was gone. I began to feel for a pulse as did the older woman of the transport pair. She got her stethoscope and a pulse oximeter, but I didn't need that proof. She stepped out to call her boss and to notify hospice. The younger woman with her whispered, "What did she die of?" She looked genuinely shook by the experience. I explained that it was basically just old age - she gave out at 97 years of age. The girl then whispered, "I'm only 21 and my grandpa is 94." Ummmm... It was odd but I could tell she was struggling. And honestly, it helped me in the moment to find that pause in which to gather myself and be at peace with what had happened. Mama always did have a flair for the dramatic. She waited until the last damn minute, but she followed the plan and died at home. I’m so sorry about the loss of your beloved mom and love that she followed the plan. It reminds me of my mom and I hope you get a smile out of my story. My mom was really into decorating and took great pride in her home. When she was diagnosed with the cancer that took her life 15 months later she said, “No ugly hospital bed in my house.” When she was near the end and in hospice the hospice staff encouraged us to bring in a hospital bed to make it easier for us to care for her and we agreed. The staff delivered the bed, my sister-in-law ran out to buy sheets for it, and my mom took her last breath while still in her favorite chair and before the hospice staff had gotten more than a few miles down the road. My brother turned to my stepdad and said, “She told us she didn’t want that fucking bed.” I did indeed get a smile - and a chuckle, to be honest - out of it. Our families sound a lot alike. Thank you for sharing that endearing story. |
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Post by Darcy Collins on Jul 26, 2022 1:18:31 GMT
The question never bothered me. My husband died at 54 quite unexpectedly and I saw it as people trying to make sense out of such a sudden death. I can see how it would be offensive to others though. I think that is the crux of it. People want to make sense out of things that dont make sense. I wouldnt ask immediate family if I wasnt close to them, but I would ask someone who might know more than I do. In the majority of the cases, I dont see how it would be offensive. I'd rather have been able to tell people how FIL died than have the small town rumor mill churning about him for 4 months. THAT is offensive. When you're dealing with a grieving family, not being offensive in the majority of cases is a pretty low bar. I agree with many on this thread, that it isn't usually the family member who lived a long full life where this is an issue - but still think it's tacky to ask. It's the unexpected tragedies. And I giving MY very real experiences where these questions where people were trying to make sense of things were absolutely offensive and painful. It's not even usually the first question of how - although even then if someone wanted to tell you, they WOULD. Call and offer your condolences and share an memory - if someone wants to tell you more they will - if they haven't shared more, they are not interested in talking about it. But it's usually the follow up questions - were they wearing a helmet, seatbelt, drinking? People really do search for what someone did wrong in horrible, horrible tragedies to make themselves feel better and that it won't happen to them. So yes, I am emphatically on the do not ask questions of a grieving family bench. People share what they're interested in sharing - if you don't know it's none of your business. |
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J u l e e
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,531
Location: Cincinnati
Jun 28, 2014 2:50:47 GMT
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Post by J u l e e on Jul 26, 2022 2:42:30 GMT
I didn't quote you at all. actually you did - you quoted my entire post in your reply. That’s just a function of the quote feature. It copies the last two things quoted. When I quoted you to add my reply, it automatically included the post you copied as well. I guess I could go in and delete jeremysgirl’s post from inside of yours, but I’ve never seen anyone do that. I just always thought it was assumed that a reply is only to the post in the larger quote box. Anyway, jeremysgirl, of course you belong here. Grief and all. |
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Post by 50offscrapper on Jul 26, 2022 6:55:34 GMT
I say ignore. You do not know this stranger and do not even know if there are just phishing for data for some type of scam. You owe them nothing.
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