Asking about cause of death-- tacky? Understandably curious?

This is one of those I would hope that I would not, but wonder if in conversation with someone it would pop-out before I could filter it.  Like if I just heard the news a “oh my gosh, I am so so sorry.  What happened?” I definitely would not in a written conversation/message where I could think things through.

I am always curious, as I think it is human nature, and find that it becomes more of a conversation amongst others.  We saw a death notice for one of brother’s classmates the other day.  And after the conversation we had with each other of kind of shock, wow, that is so sad.  We both wondered how she had passed.  The listed place to contribution to in their memory was a humane society.  We were not curious because of anything judgmental but just because it was hard to believe. He had not talked to her in almost 30 years, and I only knew of her.  But it was still a sad shock and immediate what happened response.

My very best friend of 30 something years passed suddenly in 2019.  We were always together and worked together at the same company.  She was as close as a sister to me and her family was my family and my family was hers.  If you had any interaction with one of us you had it with with both.  I still struggle with her passing every single day and miss her every single day.  If I met someone that we we both worked with 25 years ago, the first thing they would ask about was how is lz. She was the more gregarious of us and the one that really drew people in. It would surprise me if I just said she passed away and they did not ask oh my gosh what happened. Even if they haven’t talked to her in 10 years.  I also wonder if it comes from growing up in a smallish town? Word always got around.  

So my answer is it is rude to ask and I really hope I never would, especially in a situation where it made some close uncomfortable.  But I would want to know because it would help me process.  And I can feel real sorrow/sadness for the death of someone that I knew from 25 years ago or someone who I only knew of.  Obviously not to the depths of loved ones, but I also have empathy and sympathy for what they are going through. 

Death affects everyone so differently. I think it is always wise to use caution and compassion and let the person grieving lead the way. Some people share a lot and other share very little. Both are perfectly okay. It is 100% human nature to be curious. I think our brains are just wired to be curious about things we don't understand or fear, and sometimes we just crave closure.

I think it was perfectly okay for that person to text the OP, but they should have offered their condolences and maybe shared a brief memory of the deceased that might have brought comfort. If Sharlag would have wanted to respond to that, then that would have been more appropriate. She should never have asked for the information.

Dealing with death and grief is so personal. We all come from such direct backgrounds that it is always wise to do what might comfort the grieving and not make it worse.

What the actual fuck? I’m sorry for your nieces death and the inappropriate comments about your child.

I think sometimes, particularly when the person is speaking to you in person, the question can be linked to the person trying to extend sympathy to the loved one. They're trying to determine was this person they are speaking to shocked by this person's passing, or was there a prolonged care-giving period, etc. They may be trying to tailor their responses to the situation.

I think, as humans as a whole generic group, we kind of suck at discussing death. And many of us have "go to" responses in our minds that we go with almost automatically when we find out someone has passed away. Knowing what happened to the person who died can allow us to move form those generic words/phrases to something more specific to the situation.

I mean, you meet up with an old friend you haven't seen in awhile (and these past years, a lot more people find themselves accidentally in the "I haven't seen you in ages!" category) and hear that a loved one of theirs has died, and the last thing you want is for your brain to autodial a wrong response, kwim? You don't want to say "Oh my gosh, what a shock that must have been!" only for them to tell you the person was ill for 6 months, kwim? Or for you to guess that it had to do with a disorder or problem that you know the person had, only to be informed it had nothing to do with that.

I'm not saying you should run around willy nilly asking people the causes of death for their loved ones. I'm just trying to say that sometimes people's brains immediately fog up when faced with discussing death and they say things that can be painful or annoying or upsetting, even while trying to do the exact opposite.

Honestly, I think one of the reasons many obituaries do include the cause of death (even if it's done in a generic way, such as to say "illness" or "prolonged illness") is to try to prevent loved ones from being hit with this very question. Unfortuantely, when the cause is left out, I think it can actually make some people even more curious----especially if they are the type to jump to the worst or most extreme conclusions.

But, to get back to the OP, I'm sorry, sharlag , that you were hit so unexpectedly with someone asking you that---especially when it was someone you don't even know!! Hugs to you!

For me, this is one of the reasons it can be such an Inappropriate question. I don’t know how to bold part of a quote on my phone - but the “worst or most extreme conclusions” — is a judgment about how the person died. I don’t need that or want to deal with it from someone that is asking for their own curiosity. If they were an important person to me or my dd who died, they would already know. People can try to defend this question all they want. But some people, including myself, find it completely rude, insensitive, and potentially hard to deal with where ever this encounter is happening. Like running into me at the grocery store- maybe sharing intimate, painful details about the worst thing that ever happened to me is NOT what I want to do right then (or maybe ever).

I feel confident if someone wants you to know or wants to talk about how their loved one died they will share it with you without you prying.

I totally understand.  I wasn't saying it was right.  I was just sharing some of my thoughts on why people have a tendency to sometimes blurt out that question without stopping to consider if the person they are asking will be made to feel badly upon hearing it.