DEX
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,396
Aug 9, 2014 23:13:22 GMT
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Post by DEX on Jul 25, 2022 22:50:42 GMT
In addition to blah, blah kind and thoughtful, I wanted a college graduate who I thought would be stable. That was my 22 year old self (without a college degree)
In my second marriage I wanted someone who wasn't entirely focused on work. i got that but found out he was lazy and looking for someone to support him.
I read somewhere that the quality that attracts you to someone initially will be the quality that will drive you nuts in a marriage. Life of the party? Unable to be serious? Great sense of humor? obnoxious sometimes.
So what is your go to criteria?
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Post by Zee on Jul 25, 2022 22:53:51 GMT
Well I was 16 when we first met so I wasn't looking at much beyond he looks good, is kind of weird in a good way, and is pretty smart.
Turns out that was all I needed. 😂
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caangel
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,674
Location: So Cal
Jun 26, 2014 16:42:12 GMT
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Post by caangel on Jul 25, 2022 22:56:28 GMT
A good friend
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Post by cmpeter on Jul 25, 2022 22:59:33 GMT
After a year of long-distance dating, I wanted someone who lived in the same town. In both cases, they needed to be someone who made me feel loved and secure and they needed to be a go-getter. Dh I met the second semester of my Freshman year in college. We were both on the debate team. It's been 37 years since our first date. Having the same political and religious views was important to me too. I had been politically active since high school (campaigning for candidates, doing get out the vote drives, etc.)
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pantsonfire
Drama Llama
Take a step back, evaluate what is important, and enjoy your life with those who you love.
Posts: 5,972
Jun 19, 2022 16:48:04 GMT
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Post by pantsonfire on Jul 25, 2022 23:01:13 GMT
Either in college or graduated with a career starting/started.
Wouldn't pressure me into having kids (at the time I wasn't 100% set on starting a family due to medical needs and the possibility of not carrying successfully)
Good sense of humor!
Gentleman - respected that I was capable of doing things but also willing to help out, open my door if he got there first, let me sit first, etc. Didn't assume I was weak.
Would stick by me in good and bad - that was certainly tested with the DUI accident dh and I were in.
Respectful and kind to others - did he treat wait staff nicely? How did he treat coworkers?
Passed the grandma test lol
Patience.
Had a vehicle.
Had aspirations and goals.
Loved to give hugs and snuggle.
Could put up with my anxiety and OCD. Didn't get frustrated with me.
Those were the big ones.
A more look one was eyes. Green and blue eyes made me swoon. Dh has green.
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Post by busy on Jul 25, 2022 23:05:35 GMT
Someone who shared similar values and vision of a future life. Someone with a healthy relationship with their family. Someone who wasn't intimidated by me. Someone who wouldn't always give in to me and could problem solve without fighting, pettiness, or grudges. Someone I *liked.* An overall decent person who I could see being a collaborative life partner.
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Post by leannec on Jul 25, 2022 23:07:57 GMT
Then: Tall and blonde (ex fit that criteria!) Now: Tallish, decent job, decent vehicle, live independently and prefer if he owns ... things in common
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Sarah*H
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,015
Jun 25, 2014 20:07:06 GMT
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Post by Sarah*H on Jul 25, 2022 23:17:38 GMT
Be intellectually on par, make me laugh, be adventurous. I didn't look for him though and those aren't things I deliberately sought out, they were just what I realized mattered when I chose him over my long term boyfriend. That previous boyfriend had lots of great qualities and I'm certain he has been a wonderful husband to his wife but at some point I realized that those 3 things were what I needed from a life partner.
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Post by mom on Jul 25, 2022 23:21:58 GMT
For my second marriage, and this sounds incredibly selfish and childish, but I looked for someone who would treasure me. I knew I could make it would out a man financially. I wanted someone who saw me as valuable and precious. I thought if he did that then he would be a good step daddy and example to my boys.
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Post by Merge on Jul 25, 2022 23:27:57 GMT
I didn't know myself well enough at 23 to really know what I wanted in a partner. I went with my gut - it just felt right. In retrospect, I'd say the reasons our marriage has worked is because our backgrounds are similar enough that we "get" each other, we make each other laugh, and we're both basically decent human beings (while not being perfect).
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Post by finsup on Jul 25, 2022 23:29:03 GMT
For my second marriage, and this sounds incredibly selfish and childish, but I looked for someone who would treasure me. I knew I could make it would out a man financially. I wanted someone who saw me as valuable and precious. I thought if he did that then he would be a good step daddy and example to my boys. I don’t think that’s even a bit selfish and childish. We should all be able to spend our lives with someone who treasures us and who we treasure in return. I was only 20 when I met my husband and didn’t spend time consciously thinking about what was really important to me, but it turns out he’s everything I wanted. Hope you’re hanging in there, mom 💕
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Post by papersilly on Jul 25, 2022 23:52:34 GMT
Kind Responsible Honorable A good and decent person
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Post by SallyPA on Jul 26, 2022 0:06:55 GMT
Kind to everyone Not a black and white thinker, able to see the grey areas (politically, socially, religiously, etc) Common goals Likes my kids Likes to travel
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momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,153
Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Jul 26, 2022 0:14:11 GMT
I was just shy of 18 when I met dh and I wasn't thinking about what I want or should want in a man. I also think I thought I could change the things he needed changed Overall he was a nice guy, worked hard and wanted a lot of the same things I did. We married, raised a family and while we've had some definite long, hard rough patches we've survived them and are probably in one of the better places in our marriage now.
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ddly
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,019
Jul 10, 2014 19:36:28 GMT
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Post by ddly on Jul 26, 2022 0:20:54 GMT
For my second marriage I looked for someone who really loved and treasured me regardless to my downfalls. Also someone who was a partner and split responsibility for anything and everything. My first husband was good at the beginning but became selfish as the kids got older.
I think my second dh was looking for the same thing I was. I’ve never been happier and felt more loved and respected.
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Post by ntsf on Jul 26, 2022 0:28:52 GMT
curious, a reader, good values
ok looking (my dh is very good looking)
we reconnected when I was 25, and he was 31. so we both did not exactly have stars in the eyes. recreational interests in common.
I ended up with a great guy.. still together and happy after 39 yrs. he was very successful at work, and we both still read and are curious about the world.
there is a lot we do not share.. like religion, but we get along and are both rather independent. If I lost him, I don't think I would look again.
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Post by ScrapbookMyLife on Jul 26, 2022 0:39:46 GMT
In the past, I had no expectations or criteria. I was young and no or very little life experience. I knew nothing about relationships, partnership, sharing, communication, etc... I didn't look or see past that day and the immediate future. ________________
These days, my expectations and criteria are much different:
Must accept me as I am.
Must be aiming to live a debt free life. If it's a situation of unexpected shit happens (car repairs, medical bill, etc...) and working hard to get debt free, that is okay.
Must be kind and caring.
Must be okay with >> You do you. I do me. We do us. I hate the terminology "the two shall become one".
Communication, even the hard stuff. One does not know what another is thinking or feeling, unless it's communicated.
Not interested. NON NEGOTIABLE. Deal breaker:
Someone whose way of life is chronic and never ending >> many maxed out credit cards, paying minimum only on all cards. Whiny and needy on a daily basis.
Someone who tries to control me or track my every moment and movement.
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Post by wordyphotogbabe on Jul 26, 2022 0:48:28 GMT
I was young (22) & incredibly naive & terribly insecure about my body so all I was looking for when I met my first ex was a man who would be willing to be with me. He spent four years tearing me down & apart. When he threw a mug full of hot coffee into the sink ("But I didn't throw it at you!") that was inches from where I was standing during yet another argument, I was done. I met my second ex when I was 27 & thought if he didn't call me names or curse at me that it made him not abusive (and better than my first ex). He also "only" had one child & told me that he was a hands-on dad so I thought that would make being a stepparent easier this time. I'll be the first to tell you that I was codependent in both relationships and played my own part in making them toxic and unfulfilling. Since I had children with my second ex, I stayed longer than I wanted to because I struggled for a while with splitting up my family because it could be worse and because I felt like I owed it to my children to try everything that I could to make things better. When I saw my oldest silently crying about my ex yelling at me and asking me why I didn't stick up for myself, I was done. I made a LONG list at the end of my relationship with my children's father of "must-haves" and, to be honest, half-hoped that it would be so many things that no man would ever meet it (so I wouldn't have to risk being hurt again). This list included intelligence & a good grasp of and appreciation for words, sensitivity/HSP/empath, common sense of humor, hard-working, educated (though not necessarily a college graduate) and cultured, a man of faith, respectful, loyal, principled, quiet but not shy, secure about himself & his life & his body without being cocky, capable of explaining himself in an argument, affectionate and s*xually compatible with me, romantic, a natural problem-solver, a role model for my children, and someone who would not only appreciate me but love, accept, and spoil me. I was in my late 30s when I made this list so I knew exactly what I wanted! My partner is all of these things & more.
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Post by epeanymous on Jul 26, 2022 0:50:38 GMT
I wanted someone smart, who was ambitious but had good work/life balance. They had to be a committed egalitarian feminist if they were male.
If I were doing this again, I would add that I want someone with a family that doesn't independently cause problems. My family of origin is tiny and fractured; I just can't deal with having an introduced family that also is really difficult.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,428
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Jul 26, 2022 0:55:02 GMT
When I married, I was looking for someone close in age (ex was about a year younger), similar family background, things in common, etc. Still didn't last. We did not have religion in common (Presbyterian vs. Catholic) and I told him he could raise the kids in the Catholic church as he knew more about his religion (he was raised very Catholic). I knew very little about mine because we were hit or miss with church/bible class, etc. However he rarely took the kids but now says he wants a woman he can go to church with (among other things).
We also didn't have the same education level (2 year degree vs. his 4). I think that bothered him more than he let on. He's extremely book smart but not very street smart. I'm the opposite. He had a long-term gf and she had a Masters.
This time, I found more of "hometown" boy. Similar family background, common interests, similar lifestyle, not a partier (he's sober), etc. Simple things. He doesn't have a degree and will never be well off but he treats me well. We will never marry though. He's also 7 years older. May not seem like an issue yet but I can see him slowing down at nearly 64.
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peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,891
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Jul 26, 2022 1:02:43 GMT
Sense of humor Same goals in life
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Post by lisae on Jul 26, 2022 1:18:06 GMT
DH is my rebound relationship from my ex. Sometimes they do work out. I honestly wasn't looking yet when we started dating. So I never established any criteria. We worked together so I knew he was smart, hard working, funny and kind. If I'd been listing criterial I would have picked at least two things that were the opposite of my ex-husband. I wanted someone who was good with money and didn't plan his life around sports. Dh is very frugal and doesn't care about any sport at all. The one and only time he has watched the Super Bowl was to go watch with a friend whose wife had just died.
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ellen
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,748
Jun 30, 2014 12:52:45 GMT
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Post by ellen on Jul 26, 2022 1:20:12 GMT
I wasn't looking for anything particular. I wasn't initially all that interested in my husband. He pursued me and I thought he was kind of goofy. After a few get togethers I could see that he was really a good guy. I still think he's kind of nuts.
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Jul 26, 2022 1:36:59 GMT
The first time around I think I was drawn to stability, maturity (he was 12 years older than me), and predictability - now I might call that blandness. Or safety.
My second husband is my high school sweetheart. We just had that chemistry. And when we met back up with each other at 48, we still did. He asked me to marry him when we were 50. We’ve been married 11 years now. Our jagged edges fit together just right. He excites me. He makes me laugh… every damn day. Life is always an adventure with him. He’s probably all wrong for me, but yet he’s just right for me.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Jul 26, 2022 3:14:25 GMT
In no particular order: Someone who is honest, funny, smart, hard working, trustworthy, faithful. Something my sister said that our mom told her: watch how a guy treats his mother because that’s how he will treat you. She was right. My DH was so good to his mom and in turn he’s really good to me. I know some guys who treat their moms like crap and they also treat their wives like crap too.
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used2scrap
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,084
Jan 29, 2016 3:02:55 GMT
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Post by used2scrap on Jul 26, 2022 5:16:04 GMT
Well I was attracted to confidence and hard worker…which ended in arrogant workaholic lol.
Not looking for anything for the foreseeable future…
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Post by gar on Jul 26, 2022 7:30:29 GMT
I met my Dh at school when we were 16/17 so I don't think I'd really had time to form proper sensible ideas about what to look for in a partner We did break up and date other people for a little while before finally getting back together 'for good' so I guess I looked for him
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sharlag
Drama Llama
I like my artsy with a little bit of fartsy.
Posts: 6,580
Location: Kansas
Jun 26, 2014 12:57:48 GMT
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Post by sharlag on Jul 26, 2022 13:33:59 GMT
I looked for someone who would treasure me. I love this! I was actually gonna include "Someone who is thrilled to be with me" in my response to this question. It's actually NOT something I was looking for consciously, but now that I have it, I value it. I'm still in the learning phase of a 2 year relationship, and I frequently see 'revelations' of what I value as the days go by with him. RESPECT is a big one-- him for me, me for him. I realized in my 50's that I have issues respecting men way more than respecting women. So, finding a mate that I respect is a big deal. And such a relief on so many levels-- I trust his judgement, and know he's got my back quite capably. I didn't realize I'd value that sense of "I can relax and he'll handle things" feeling. He's funny, smart, adorable... I appreciate his integrity so much.
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SweetieBsMom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,741
Jun 25, 2014 19:55:12 GMT
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Post by SweetieBsMom on Jul 26, 2022 14:17:41 GMT
DH and I met when we were 17/18 so I don't know I put in a lot of thought into what I wanted for a life long partner. We just fell in love and grew up together.
Now it would be an entirely different story if I were ever to date/marry again (which I have no intention of doing). I'd want to make sure my partner was financially responsible: savings, retirement, not a lot of debt. I wouldn't be looking for someone who I'd have to pay off all their debt. It took me a LONG time to get debt free and I plan on staying that way. I'd like an equal or I'd have no issue with someone who made more money than I do. I made more than DH and that was always a sore spot with him. I'd like to have things in common, we wouldn't have to like all the same things but some would be nice. Someone that isn't clingy, doesn't have to be with me 24/7 and isn't looking for me to be with him 24/7. At this point I'm set in my ways, I'm used to having my own space. Ultimately I'd look for someone who, as someone mentioned above, would treasure me. I like the sound of that but as I said I'm one and done, did it and will not be doing it again.
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Post by malibou on Jul 26, 2022 14:27:28 GMT
I wanted someone educated, funny/quirky, came from a similar hard-working background that valued saving for retirement, not an alcoholic, and handsome enough in case I decided I wanted kids.
I got all of that and more. He truly cherishes me and is a beyond fabulous dad.
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