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Post by lesley on Aug 22, 2022 14:29:21 GMT
My friend Jean opened her house to two Ukrainian refugees back in March, a woman, L, and her 15 year old son, B. There have been no real problems with the situation, but B has struggled dreadfully with being in school. He had been homeschooled for three years before arriving in Scotland, and couldn’t cope. He has terrible social anxiety amongst many other issues, and between Jean and one of the depute heads at the school, they came to the conclusion that the boy is almost certainly on the spectrum. His mother just shrugged when Jean gently suggested to her that his struggles might be partly due to autism. Jean told me that there is much less recognition of autism in Ukraine.
Now here’s the problem. A few weeks ago, L had a bit of a breakdown - not surprisingly given her situation. Her daughter is in medical school in Kyiv, her husband is fighting in the war, and her elderly mother wasn’t well enough to leave. She packed up all of their belongings and said they were going back for a "holiday". But then she asked Jean if her son could come back on his own to continue living with Jean and her husband. Jean is one of the kindest, most compassionate people I have ever come across. She and her husband are fairly wealthy, and she is incredibly generous. She is so torn about what to do. She has two sons of her own - they’re 19 and 24, and really doesn’t want to take on another child. The fact that B has so many issues concerns her greatly, and she feels incredibly guilty that if she doesn’t let him come back, he may well be killed. But she feels entirely unequipped to handle his situation, especially knowing there’s a chance he may never see his family again.
What would you do if you were Jean?
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lizacreates
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by lizacreates on Aug 22, 2022 14:49:24 GMT
What an awful situation for all concerned. But I don’t understand something. I thought the UK scheme for Ukrainian refugees is limited to only six months if there’s a sponsoring family. At some point, the refugees are aided in finding jobs or signing up for benefits and in seeking permanent shelter. Has Jean connected L & B to these services?
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Post by Bridget in MD on Aug 22, 2022 14:49:53 GMT
I would tell her to be firm and say that she cannot be this boy's legal guardian. Could he stay at a boarding school? I have a friend who lives in Kuwait and her son attends boarding school in London, I think. Could she be the POC in case of an emergency, but not a full time/full care of the boy.
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Post by workingclassdog on Aug 22, 2022 14:49:55 GMT
I feel if L leaves B with your friend, he will never see his mom again. She most likely will end up with him. I guess she will need to ask herself if she wants to deal with him for the long run.
I have friends who have huge open hearts. HUGE. They adopted two girls with some major issues. Lots of those issues are just now coming out after a few years. One girl they are really doing good with. Therapy and just lots of hands on with her. She can hold down a job and handle school (although she is on an IEP, is that what it is called?) and mom and dad are very supportive on her handling everything on her own but there for her when she is getting to anxious. Her sister went to live with grandma and grandpa because she had SO many issues mom/dad and grandparents are trying this to see if one on one will work better (and she is doing SO much better so far). On one evening I asked my friend if they regretted adopting them. She was truthful and and in some ways although they would never change anything now. It is a lot to handle and thank God for the grandparents helping out because the one child needs so much therapy and help. Some of their issues are a form of separation anxiety (there is some fancy name to this one but I can't remember it, is it rare), alcohol syndrome, learning disabilities. There are a few more issues but off hand I am not sure.
Anyways, this friend of yours really needs to know what she is getting into. And not feel guilty if she can't. This will be a lifetime and does she want to give that up?
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Post by lesley on Aug 22, 2022 14:56:37 GMT
What an awful situation for all concerned. But I don’t understand something. I thought the UK scheme for Ukrainian refugees is limited to only six months if there’s a sponsoring family. At some point, the refugees are aided in finding jobs or signing up for benefits and in seeking permanent shelter. Has Jean connected L & B to these services? L had found work, but not yet housing. She had been added to the waiting list for social housing, and I know they had looked at a couple of private rentals which were completely unsuitable. I’m not sure how the scheme would work if B came back on his own. I would imagine the situation might be different for unaccompanied minors? L has no intention of coming back in the foreseeable future. |
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kate
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Jun 26, 2014 3:30:05 GMT
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Post by kate on Aug 22, 2022 15:02:20 GMT
The legal issues here seem overwhelming to me. Would your friend have official guardianship? Would she have the boy evaluated/treated for his anxiety and/or autism? What if medication were involved?
Is the boy emotionally equipped to handle such a separation from his mom?
Is it possible they could house him for just the school year, with a "return ticket" (whatever that might look like) for summer, so that the time and responsibility is not open-ended?
I have even more questions...
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wellway
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Jun 25, 2014 20:50:09 GMT
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Post by wellway on Aug 22, 2022 15:03:47 GMT
lesley, given the amount of UK paperwork involved in hosting Ukrainian people in the first place, I can't imagine that it covers this situation. I can't see the new situation getting the ok from the British authorities. It is not a good idea, she will have no legal rights regarding him. Who would make decisions for medical needs, what if he is injured, would mum sue? Your friends have been generous to date, maybe she can send some supplies to Ukraine but no, she shouldn't accept him back if only because it may not be legal.
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Post by gar on Aug 22, 2022 15:04:00 GMT
I think that's a hugely unfair thing to ask of Jean. I think it's wisest she say no, despite the obvious guilt. There will SO much effort, risk, upheaval and time needing to be put into B's full time care and that's a huge deal.
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lizacreates
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Post by lizacreates on Aug 22, 2022 15:11:15 GMT
What an awful situation for all concerned. But I don’t understand something. I thought the UK scheme for Ukrainian refugees is limited to only six months if there’s a sponsoring family. At some point, the refugees are aided in finding jobs or signing up for benefits and in seeking permanent shelter. Has Jean connected L & B to these services? L had found work, but not yet housing. She had been added to the waiting list for social housing, and I know they had looked at a couple of private rentals which were completely unsuitable. I’m not sure how the scheme would work if B came back on his own. I would imagine the situation might be different for unaccompanied minors? L has no intention of coming back in the foreseeable future. What?! If L has no intention of coming back to the UK, why would she send her child back? Jean is only a sponsor, not a guardian. If she’s unable to take on the responsibility for a teenager on the spectrum, she’s not obliged to do so. Depending on the severity of the child’s disorder, it can be a years-long commitment. If I were Jean, I would just be honest with L and tell her I can’t take this on. |
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Post by Susie_Homemaker on Aug 22, 2022 15:42:48 GMT
she feels incredibly guilty that if she doesn’t let him come back, he may well be killed. That would not be on her. She shouldn't take on that responsibility. He needs to stay with his mother. It's a much too complicated situation to let him live with her with his mother not there. |
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joelise
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Post by joelise on Aug 22, 2022 17:30:00 GMT
What a sad situation. I don’t think Jean should have B live with her without his mother. Jean has done so much to help this family she should not feel guilty in any way, she has her own family to think of.
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Post by silverlining on Aug 22, 2022 17:35:31 GMT
Jean should probably avoid talking about the school issues, and just tell the mom that because her son is anxious, it's best for him to be with his mother.
The mom can decide if that means staying in the UK, or returning to their hometown in Ukraine, or going to another part of Ukraine if she feels that there is a safer place for them.
Making a change from homeschooling to a public high school is difficult for someone with anxiety, changing to school in a different language and different culture is even more difficult, and living separately from your family at 15 while your loved one are in a dangerous situation is just way too much to ask of a young person who is struggling.
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Post by iamkristinl16 on Aug 22, 2022 17:41:17 GMT
I would try to talk to L and make sure she has thought this through and this isn’t an emotional response. L is in a really difficult situation but it sounds like her son is the one that needs her most right now.
If I was Jean I am not sure what I would do. The legal aspects might make it an easier decision, but it would be difficult to turn away a teen who doesn’t have anyone. I would need to make sure I had access to get him medical and mental health care as needed at the very least.
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scrappington
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Post by scrappington on Aug 22, 2022 17:41:29 GMT
Why would the mother risk going back? And if she was going for a "Vaca" why risk your son.
Jean and the boy are in a no win situation.
I don't think Jean should take this on. If she did and it doesn't work out or worse something happens to the mom then what.
The mom is not in a good situation herself. I can't image what they are going thru having to up root and run leaving behind her family.
I dont blame the mom in asking. But she needs to make a decision. Her country or son.
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luvnlifelady
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Post by luvnlifelady on Aug 22, 2022 17:42:04 GMT
If I were her and she decided to take on the task of having the boy live with her, I would get full legal guardianship so she could make health/other decisions on his behalf.
However, at this juncture in my life, I would not take that on. Only she knows what she can handle, but it sounds like a lot. She has to be prepared for the situation to be permanent.
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Post by hopemax on Aug 22, 2022 17:43:53 GMT
If friend accepted a placement in the first place, then I would presume they have some connections to Ukrainian resettlement, charitable groups and I would work those connections and reach out to new ones to find a more appropriate place for the son. If he can stay in friend's community they could have regular contact with son (like texts, monthly lunch) to make sure his permanent placing is working out, he has someone to talk to, etc. Friend should not feel guilty about not being the primary responsible party for the son, but being a facilitator and a backstop, there seems like there could be some space to figure something out.
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Post by papersilly on Aug 22, 2022 17:48:25 GMT
i would say NO. what if the mom never comes back? what if the son cannot cope without having his family around and starts having problems? what if friend no long wants him there but can't find any of his family to send him back to? that's why it would be a hard no for me.
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Post by cmpeter on Aug 22, 2022 22:34:54 GMT
Assuming I could cover the legal and guardianship issues, I would not be able to say no. But, I have family who fled from the war in the Ukraine during WWII and work with several Ukraine individuals currently.
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