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Post by craftmepink on Sept 1, 2022 21:50:13 GMT
I guess the title says it all. My father died last week and I don't think I could be in so much pain. Did the grief ever stop for you? How did you cope if you lost someone?
I find myself sobbing a lot at the most random times. Working didn't help at all. In fact, my boss gave me another project to manage after I told him. I can barely get through the work day without crying.
Any recommendations on how to cope?
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Post by librarylady on Sept 1, 2022 22:03:32 GMT
You just have to get up every day and put one foot in front of the other and plod on. Eventually the pain DOES become less and less.
It is OK to cry at work. Just head to the restroom, hide in a stall and have your tears for that day.
When my sister died, I cried as I drove home for at least 2 weeks, but eventually the wound began to heal. Everyone is different, but it helped that I had some friends who would listen to my anguish.
I send a hug of comfort.
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Post by quinlove on Sept 1, 2022 22:08:28 GMT
((( craftmepink ))) My heart breaks for you in your pain and grief. I know that the peas are going to surround you with love and support, and I hope that will bring you some comfort. 💗
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Post by epeanymous on Sept 1, 2022 22:09:08 GMT
I have a therapist. It has helped a lot.
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Post by disneypal on Sept 1, 2022 22:12:36 GMT
I am so, so sorry to hear about your dad. I can honestly say that grief never goes away...once you lose someone that you love with all your heart, there is a part of you that dies too.
It will be hard for a long time...but over time, you will learn to live with it and start coping...time will not heal it, time will not make it go away or make you feel better but time will allow you the ability to deal with it.
My dad has been gone 10 years. I thought I would never stop crying, but most days now, I am ok - there are still some bad days but for the most part, I function normally. I can't tell you how long it took and even if I could, it is different for everyone. Even now, I will be fine one moment and a memory will pop in my head and either I will smile about it or I will burst out in tears.
Just be patient with yourself...cry as much as you need to, it is okay. After a few months, if you are still having a difficult time, consider talking to a grief counselor. In the meantime, talk to family and friends, it does help.
If you are able to take some time off work, let your boss know that you are having a hard time and need some time off.
((HUGS))
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Post by malibou on Sept 1, 2022 22:15:31 GMT
I am so sorry for your loss.
Grief is different for everyone, and what helps one person may not help another. I found being able to tell the stories of my dad helpful and so appreciated those that listened. I would love to hear a favorite story you have about your dad if you are ready.
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MDscrapaholic
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,365
Location: Down by the bay....
Jun 25, 2014 20:49:07 GMT
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Post by MDscrapaholic on Sept 1, 2022 22:18:06 GMT
I am so sorry for your loss. You cry all you want. Grieving means you loved. ((Hugs))
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Post by littlemama on Sept 1, 2022 22:27:43 GMT
When my FIL died, I cried on the way to work and on the way home every day for about a month, then only one way or the other. I still get teary when there is an event I know he would have loved to attend- baseball games, graduations, holidays, etc. The sharp pain of grief eased after a time. I still miss him terribly, but I can smile about his life rather than cry about its end more often than not.
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janeinbama
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,174
Location: Alabama
Jan 29, 2015 16:24:49 GMT
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Post by janeinbama on Sept 1, 2022 22:35:36 GMT
No lie, the first year is rough. My Dad died at 53 and my brother at 38, 9 years apart. Neither was expected. 32 years and 23 years later it still hits me some days. ((Hugs))
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Post by Delta Dawn on Sept 1, 2022 22:45:41 GMT
I lost my Mum and sister. The grief was horrendous. We fought as a family and it was terribly unpleasant. Then she had been gone a year and things got better. It wasn’t good but it got better. Things are great now. I have something of my sister’s on the mantle and Mum’s necklaces and jewellery is all mine. It does get better. I 100% promise you with all the hugs I could give you it gets better. Things will be different. That’s ok. When you need the Peas we will be there for you night and day.
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Post by hopemax on Sept 1, 2022 22:47:24 GMT
My Mom died 7 years ago and there are some days where the grief is still overwhelming. Not the holidays or events other people mention, just normal days when I really wish my Mom was around to talk to.
Grief is one of those things, IMO, where the only way out is through. So cry when you need to, step away from things when you need to, let other people carry the load when you need to. My brain was so totally fried from making sure my Dad had what he needed that I couldn’t make simple decisions in my own life about when I wanted to run errands or get dinner. A couple months later, Disney Pixar’s Inside Out came out and the character Sadness wasn’t moving so Joy would just drag her around by her leg. So that became DH and my code. If he would ask a question I couldn’t answer, I’d stick out my foot and that was his cue to come up with a plan on his own and I would object if I really didn’t like it, but otherwise things would get done.
I don’t think we as a society do well with vulnerability. The Brits have their stiff upper lip, and the US has their bootstraps and never let them see you sweat. I think it’s part of why we have the mental health crisis we do. We don’t allow people the space they need to work through stuff and heal. Your boss may even think he’s helping by “keeping you busy.” The more we embrace our vulnerabilities, imo, the better people we will be.
I’m also a list make and check off type person. So I would sometimes need to challenge myself get this one thing done, or these three things done. Not everything all the time.
And I am sorry for your loss.
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Post by katlady on Sept 1, 2022 23:17:14 GMT
I am sorry for your loss. As others have said, cry as much as want, whenever you need to. Let it all out. Sending you hugs!!
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,421
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Sept 2, 2022 0:01:57 GMT
I'm sorry for your loss.
My mom passed in March (dad died in 2000). I'm a wreck if I'm being honest. I fake it and go through the motions of life but it's difficult. I miss her like crazy.
I did just join a gym and am training to walk the Pittsburgh half marathon in May. This is her girlhood hometown (she lived in CA for years). I will do the marathon in her memory (God willing). I'm not in shape at all so this will be challenging.
I find myself crying at random times. I don't think life will ever be the same again.
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Post by imkat on Sept 2, 2022 0:04:15 GMT
I'm so sorry. Grief is different for everyone. My experience when my mom died was that I cried about every day for a year. It was so painful. It was worse when I was alone, in the car, taking a shower, or going on my daily walk. It got so bad that I didn't want to walk anymore. Things started subsiding at the 1-year mark, but there are still days that I cry. There will be a day when your memories bring you more smiles than tears. I wish you peace.
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Post by gizzy on Sept 2, 2022 0:19:10 GMT
I'm sorry for your father's death.
My mom died awhile ago now. At first, there were tears and anxiety attacks when I realized I'd never talk with her again. It's taken a lot of years to get to the point where I can smile at a memory instead of breaking down.
Everyone's healing is their own but what I found helpful was being able to talk about it with people who understood what I was going thru.
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Post by Aheartfeltcard on Sept 2, 2022 0:35:13 GMT
When my mom died I really had no control over the grief. I really think it’s very individual and it takes time. Just when I thought I’d not cry something would hit me and bam, I’d bawl. I think it slowly stops hurting as much and eventually you can feel happy from a thought that crosses your mind. I’m sorry.
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Post by lisae on Sept 2, 2022 1:06:30 GMT
I'm very sorry for your loss. Does your employer have an employee assistance program that provides access to a therapist?
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Post by librarylady on Sept 2, 2022 1:19:39 GMT
Many people find grief support groups to be beneficial. You may wish to explore that as a way to heal.
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moodyblue
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,175
Location: Western Illinois
Site Supporter
Jun 26, 2014 21:07:23 GMT
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Post by moodyblue on Sept 2, 2022 1:23:39 GMT
I’m sorry. It is sucky, and there is no way to deny that.
Lots of good posts above. I will say that the grief doesn’t go away and it doesn’t get better - but it gets different and you get better at coping with it.
For many people, the first year is hardest, and for others, the second year is more difficult, as reality sets in. You’ll always have things that can trigger tears and a renewal of the grief, and some of those can come out of the blue when you aren’t prepared. It’s okay. Whatever you need to do to cope is okay.
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Post by tentoes on Sept 2, 2022 1:26:47 GMT
I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you can find a support group that can help you through the tough times.
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frankiegirl
Full Member
Posts: 169
Dec 22, 2020 12:42:01 GMT
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Post by frankiegirl on Sept 2, 2022 1:31:11 GMT
I'm sorry about your dad. Grief isn't predictable. It sneaks up on you when you think you are ok. I remember bursting into tears at Wendys when I saw a mom, child and grandma eating. This was 3 years after my mom had died. I realized how much my dd was going to miss not knowing her grandmother. And how angry I was that she was not here. But there are more times that I smile than cry. My father died 3 years ago. I miss them both so much and envy those who still have their parents. The grief is always there. Sometimes tucked away in a corner, sometimes right out front. Everyone deals differently with grief. But everyone goes through it. You are not alone.
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Post by playingcinderella on Sept 2, 2022 1:35:11 GMT
I lost my dad 20 years ago in April and my DH lost his a year ago.
You have gotten a lot of good advice in this thread, but as I have told DH over and over again this year - everyone's grief is different. There is no timeline, no right way and no expiration date. Be patient with yourself, give yourself grace and look for the support you need - whatever that is for you.
I am so sorry for your loss. Losing our dads has been so hard - we had very different relationships with them, they died in very different ways and with/without warning but still it has been equally heartbreaking for each of us.
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ellen
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,501
Jun 30, 2014 12:52:45 GMT
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Post by ellen on Sept 2, 2022 1:36:30 GMT
A grief counselor told my sister that grief starts out like a hand in your face and eventually becomes a hand on your shoulder. I think that is accurate. When I lost my mom I could hardly believe just how sad I was. It consumed my thoughts all day long and somedays I could barely get off the couch, but I think I just had to feel those feelings. Eventually you get used to what happened, but it takes a while and sometimes you'll think you're doing ok and then something trips you up for a while. I remember very well the day first day that I had a few hours where I felt like myself. It was just a day where I hit a few garage sales and found a few fun things. I met up with a friend where we showed each other our finds and had lunch on the deck by the lake. It was about a month after I lost my mom. It made me feel very hopeful that I would find myself again. I remember having "role models in grief." I kept thinking about all of the people I knew who lost a parent and went on to be functioning human beings. I truly believed that I would get there too. It'll happen to you too. It's hard to see past the end of the day now, but you will get there. I'm sorry you lost your dad. It's just so hard to lose a parent. Left foot, right foot, breathe.
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Post by 950nancy on Sept 2, 2022 1:50:06 GMT
I lost my mom in 1989 and still have moments of in your face grief. Lost my dad in 2001. So hard with both of them. The only thing that helped was time and it was a lot of time. Allow yourself to feel what you need to feel. I was very good after the first few weeks of compartmentalizing my grief for when I was alone and not at work. For me, having kids to raise did help after the death of my dad.
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Post by craftmepink on Sept 2, 2022 1:52:53 GMT
Thanks everyone for your kind words and sharing your experiences.
I don't think I understood the meaning of heart break until recently. It's weird, my dad was sick for a long time and we knew it was coming. But now that it came, I'm in total shock and the crying comes at the worst times.
I feel like society doesn't even let people grieve in peace. I only took 2 days off work and when I came back, I just got thrown more work. I feel like everyone expects me to be a robot. I could barely make it through the day.
But it's been helpful hearing about everyone's experiences.
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finaledition
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,896
Jun 26, 2014 0:30:34 GMT
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Post by finaledition on Sept 2, 2022 1:55:32 GMT
I’m truly sorry about the loss of your dad. My mom passed away I unexpectantly last week so I’m probably going through very similar feeling to you. I’m just following along with the replies. I have never felt pain this deep before. 😢
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Post by bothmykidsrbrats on Sept 2, 2022 2:03:08 GMT
I am so very sorry for your loss. I lost my DH unexpectedly on Feb 1st, my mom on April 24, and my soul pup, that was holding me together, June 12. To say it has been rough year would be an understatement! I can tell you that 7 months into this hell, it does get better. I haven't come close to having a day I don't cry, but overwhelming crippling sadness doesn't consume me 24/7 anymore. Let your body tell you what it needs and be prepared to ride the waves. Cry, scream, hit a pillow, I f*cked up a cinderblock with a sledgehammer! You can also smile, laugh, sing and dance while you are grieving. There is no wrong or right way to grieve. Just remember you will never get over it, but you will get through it. Two books I found somewhat helpful early in were It's OK That You're Not OK and I Wasn't Ready To Say Goodbye. There are some good TED talks about grief. My neighbor became a widow a month after I did and has found comfort going to a GriefShare group. GriefShare is Christan based, but nondenominational and open to anyone grieving. {HUGS}
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Post by calgaryscrapper on Sept 2, 2022 2:27:51 GMT
Is it possible to get more bereavement time? {{{hugs}}} We have been to a few services in the past five years. Some suggest to share memories of your loved ones with family and friends.
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Post by quietgirl on Sept 2, 2022 2:30:41 GMT
Thanks everyone for your kind words and sharing your experiences. I don't think I understood the meaning of heart break until recently. It's weird, my dad was sick for a long time and we knew it was coming. But now that it came, I'm in total shock and the crying comes at the worst times. I feel like society doesn't even let people grieve in peace. I only took 2 days off work and when I came back, I just got thrown more work. I feel like everyone expects me to be a robot. I could barely make it through the day. But it's been helpful hearing about everyone's experiences. I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm sorry too that you've been thrown into work so hard after two short days off. I don't have any wisdom, but I just wanted to say how sorry I am.
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Post by quietgirl on Sept 2, 2022 2:31:38 GMT
I’m truly sorry about the loss of your dad. My mom passed away I unexpectantly last week so I’m probably going through very similar feeling to you. I’m just following along with the replies. I have never felt pain this deep before. 😢 I am so sorry for the loss of your mom. Thinking of you...
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