Do you know anyone with agoraphobia?

I find that the grocery store makes me anxious after 2 years of home delivery. I dont know where anything is and... the people. So many people.
I have been going on Friday afternoons when I get off work early, but when the weather changes, I will go back to delivery.

I suspect you have severe social anxiety moreso than agoraphobia. You do go outside; it seems like you have more anxiety associated with people.

In any event, talk it through with your therapist and keep trying. I find that the more I do something, the less anxious I am about it (when doing that thing is successful, of course)

A dear close friend has it. I feel so sad for her. She is on 2 meds for her anxiety and has been in intense counseling. She has also had in patient stays.

Anyways She still has a very hard time. She was way before Covid and still does.

I try my best to always invite her even when I am 99.9% sure she won't come to whatever event.

I think for her she has just accepted that is an extreme introvert and is fine with that. She is at peace with being one and enjoys being home.

I would like for her to change and be active in our group BUT I am not her. And that isn't fair of me.

So I just keep inviting hoping she will have the strength to attend.

I know someone who had agoraphobia before I knew them. Treatment for anxiety, including medication, helped tremendously. Panic attacks became less frequent and then non-existent, but it took time.

You’ve had a sequence of events that have built up into the current situation. It may have been tough to hear what Jeremy had to say, but good for him for tackling that conversation. It isn’t easy, but it also isn’t healthy for you to continue this way. It’s all too easy to fall into staying home all the time, not seeing people, and people's needs do change. However, as a self-proclaimed extrovert, you know this is maybe going too far.

Certainly it is normal to withdraw and not want to be as social when you are in early grief. I remember going out alone to run an errand shortly after my husband died, and feeling like I needed to go home and take a nap - and all I did was go through the drive-through at the bank or pharmacy! It was too much people contact outside of the security of my home.

When I went back to work I didn’t spend much time outside of my classroom; I just didn’t have the energy to socialize with people and be around too much activity and sounds. There were a couple days I was so exhausted I wasn’t sure I could make myself get out of bed. But ultimately, it was a good thing to go back. I needed the structure, the distractions, the little bit of normal in a life upended.

When you are backing out of everything, and things you normally would have done, it’s time to think about what’s working for you, and whether you’re heading in the wrong direction. I know, for me, one of the most helpful things was to find and talk to others in my same situation. People who truly understand, whether it be grief or anxiety or anything else, are the best support.

I'm going to copy something you wrote in the Grief thread, because when I read what you said there and what you are saying here, as an outside observer some things jumped out at me. I hope you will take my post in the spirit in which is intended, which is to offer thoughts for you and your therapist to potentially explore, even if they aren't affirming thoughts. I am obviously not a therapist, just someone who thinks too much and I have stayed at a Holiday Express, bad joke.

"I have had so many people tell me that they don't even know how I'm functioning because they would be...blah blah blah. But not upright I guess. And that's the worst thing anyone can ever say to a person who lost a child. It makes me want to scream...no you absolutely don't know how you would react and I still have other obligations. I can't just quit on life because I lost my child and it makes me feel terrible for even trying to move forward when people tell me they wouldn't be able to."

So my blunt question is, are you quitting on parts of your life? Obviously, not the whole thing, but as others have mentioned the "people" parts in your life? So many threads here talk about "No being a complete sentence," and the necessity of excusing yourself from situations that would cause harm, especially for mental health. But maybe it's like eating... cutting back to lose weight, isn't a problem, but cutting back too far is a problem. So in the process of doing something that is often smart and healthy, your unconscious mind is recognizing that maybe you aren't functioning in specific areas very well and when you start getting too close to those danger zones, the "No!" exerts itself. Your closest family and friends don't want to push, and have confidence in your ability to work through stuff and are waiting for you to re-engage "when you're ready," and so it became a bad habit. Maybe it was always there, but the pandemic dialed it from a 3 to a 5, and Esther's death really ratcheted it up. That you aren't quite as far along on the grief path as you hope you are, which comes with its own set of paralysis?

On a secondary track, with what may not be the best analogy. At WDW there is a shoot-em style Buzz Lightyear ride. But it's old and unreliable. Some of the guns have strong lasers, that are aimed correctly. Some aim, but you can't see your red dot, some you see the dot, but the aim is horrible, and others you can't see or aim. With everyone else shooting their lasers, it's important to have a working gun to pick out *your* dot from everyone else's. Or if you imagine the things that people are mentally juggling manifesting as actual juggling. Some have fabulous control and are throwing flaming sticks sky high, fancy patterns or between a partner, and if you are mentally exhausted, and or having trouble focusing, it makes it had to catch and throw your 3 basic balls.

So from my outside looking in window, I wonder if this about asserting control when your mind thinks you can. 'Cause there is a list of times when you are self-aware to know you can't. You are a smart, introspective, capable woman, who knows how bad things can spiral for you and are always working to stay away from the bad. So in order to focus on your balls, or your red dots and keep on a stable path, your mind subconsciously says, "stay away from other people's balls and red dots. Then you can see and focus better on yours." Like others have said, people present a lot of opportunities to knock you right now. Saying the wrong thing, not saying anything, being too happy and then feeling guilty about other people being happy, people trying to give you the right amount of space, it's all eggshells. Even it's not about the close to home issues, the existential, society level state of things from people aren't great either. And some people or situations are just annoying and it doesn't have anything to do with what is said or not. Two steps back you can deal with, but what if you get a couple hard knocks and it's 5 steps back? Does the cliff, you know is there, get a little too close? Again, the efficient solution is just don't give other people's dots and balls the *opportunity* to get in the way of yours, avoid being hit by the blindside bodycheck by staying away from them. Whenever you go into a space with people you lose control about what things will happen. Staying away feels like regaining it?

Does Jeremy ever go to therapy with you? So that you might work together to find out when it's okay to push and how to do it while still being supportive so that he gets his needs met. It feels like he needs to have some people around for him to process his feelings and grief, and even though he wants what's best for you, it's reached a point where he really needs this. So when he notices things aren't right, it can be addressed sooner, so it doesn't escalate into what it has become? My DH and Dad have this problem with me. Sometimes I need a push or accountability for checking out too much but they want to give me space and let me work things out on my own. They are so used to me being an engaged decision maker, that when I can't... they don't know what to do, don't want to do the wrong thing, and it just festers to a bad end. But that's why you have a therapist to help work out what is grief processing, and what are older issues that have been inflamed by the grief processing. And like it's been said many times before... kindness, patience, compassion will get you and Jeremy through.

jeremysgirl please do go into work on Tuesday. Even if it’s just to drop off the printer. If you’re feeling like talking with a few people, do that too. If you’re not feeling it, drop and go. Baby steps. I’ve been in talk therapy for only a few weeks to help deal with my anxiety. One thing my therapist keeps stressing for me is that even though it feels like I might die, I will not. I need to focus on my senses and recentrer myself when I feel it creeping in. Some of my day to day things get my anxiety up sometimes. When that happens, I take 10 deep slow breaths and do a body check in. If needed I repeat again and again until I’m back where I need to be. I do this even while driving sometimes.

Tomorrow is going to be perfect. If you need to take a breather, do so. The people coming love you, they know the real you, not a single one would think less of you for needing to take a moment here or there. I’m very open with my friends/family when my anxiety is up. I don’t try to hide. It’s part of me. ❤️

I have social anxiety and also enjoy inviting friends over for an evening meal. I will set the date and immediately feel the urge to cancel which continues until the first guest arrives and then it’s great fun. I agonize over what to serve and what drinks to have and overdramatize people bringing things. I wouldn’t want my spouse to insist on a party because it has to be my idea. If he wants to have a party I need to have the option to not attend otherwise he’s pushing in a way I don’t like.

I had a moment of panic at the grocery store early in the pandemic when it was crowded there were shortages and a customer brushed my shoulder. It took a good 18 months for me to feel normal grocery shopping. All that to say I understand how you feel and with all you’ve been though maybe it’s a good idea to not put pressure on yourself so you can get the most important things like work related things done. Give yourself some grace and when you are ready you can do more.

I’m just watching something on the news about kids with school phobia. Being away from it for so long during Covid didn’t help, but some kids have it anyway. I think it’s a bit about control.

I retired last year and find I have to go out for a little while every day, even if it’s to just go for a ride. I love being home but also need to get out — but just for short periods of time.

Maybe exposure therapy would help you. Can you start with very short trips, even just 5-10 minutes, and then increase it a bit?